Disowning Family

Fifthelement

florence151 wrote:

If a family member is hurting you I believe you have the right to disown them.
"But they are family" can be an excuse for illogical, masochistic behavior.
I recently had an old friend go nuts on me during a phone call after leaving vile messages.
No amount of calm, non-accusitive response could bring them down from their rage.
I hung up and decided that they were not a frined of mine any more.
I hope they win the lottery and find love. Just don't bother me.

We have a right to be in peace.
Know that all things cannot be fixed.

You are absolutely right! People wouldn't expect you to stay in non-familial relationships that are toxic to your soul. Sometimes one of the hardest and bravest things a person can do is to walk away.

Surrounding yourself with friends and family who accept your decisions and don't try to force you to accept the unacceptable is the way to go.

patrickredeyes

pretext wrote:

patrickredeyes wrote:

My oldest sister and I have pretty much written off our other sister. My folks haven't cause it's their daughter and I understand that. But she has done things and said things that have hurt many like myself, my older sister and her family and my folks. And in the past couple yrs as my folk's health has taken some scary and stressful turns. She continues to act the same way and treat us like shit. Well this past April as I decided to go back to Denver I called her and asked if she could help out while I'm gone. Help out with coming over to my folks house and take my dad out for a ride or take him to the store. I told her I know she is busy with her kids and stuff but I was only asking for a hr extra from her. Right away she goes into asking if our older sister is helping out also. I replied yes of course and she goes off on one of her rants about her. Anyway she is going on and on and saying things that are not nice and totally wrong. Well in my mind I just snapped and said enough of this. I told her what I thought of the way she was acting and has in the past. I didn't call her to fight but called her to ask about helping out. She turned the entire chat onto our older sister. See if you can tell by now they have never got along. Lynn who is my middle sister and not talking too has always thought that my mom liked Cindy my older sister better. Lynn still blames my mom for shit that happened to her in high school. So anyway her and I are yelling back and forth on the phone. And then she starts on me and about me going back to Denver. The last thing she says to me b4 hanging up the phone is that I'm a fucking bum and will always be. Now I would rather have a complete stranger tell me this then my own flesh and blood. That comment still hurts and hurts to type that out now. Since then I refused to talk to her and will continue to do so. In my eyes I only have one sister now and that's good enough for me. This may sound very cruel but my middle sister is dead to me. I don't care about her at all anymore. It's sad but its the truth and how I feel. :(

Patrick, from a complete stranger who only knows form what you write here: You are not a fucking bum.

Thank you

covered in bliss

South of Seattle wrote:

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

My gosh, noooo! I'm the 'bad' one because I stopped taking their crap and pointing out when they were being assholes.

I didn't realize there was still such a negative stigma about therapy and anti-depressants. I 'obviously' have a problem with alcohol? Kinda freaky that improving ones life can lead others to think something like that.

Patrick--you're not a bum! sometimes sick parents bring out the worst in siblings. I remember you writing about your guilt in moving... you did the right thing for yourself and there's nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes.

South of Seattle

covered in bliss wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

My gosh, noooo! I'm the 'bad' one because I stopped taking their crap and pointing out when they were being assholes.

I didn't realize there was still such a negative stigma about therapy and anti-depressants. I 'obviously' have a problem with alcohol? Kinda freaky that improving ones life can lead others to think something like that.

Patrick--you're not a bum! sometimes sick parents bring out the worst in siblings. I remember you writing about your guilt in moving... you did the right thing for yourself and there's nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes.

"Obviously" was a little harsh, I was typing fast.

I wasn't describing therapy as negative either. Most of the people I know on Anti's tend to abuse them, so I'm just talking about personal experience here.

pjtradeking

I havent spoken to my sisters father since 1998 and prob never will again.

pjfan31

My grandfather came from a very wealthy family. He fell in love with my grandmother who came from a poor family. My great grand parents did not aprove of Pa's relationship with Nan, so Pa and Nan moved and came to Sydney. In doing so, My great grandparents disowned my grandparents, writing Pa out of their will. So when Pa's sister's and brothers both inherited multiple houses each and a shit load of money, Nana and Pa only received a couple of Religious statues.

For the rest of their lives they were poor with money, rich with love.

stuckinline

covered in bliss, do not feel guilty. do what YOU need to do. i too, put up with years of drama from a family member, one day i said enough is enough, i *disowned* them. haven't spoken to the person in years and it's is very liberating. i am finally free of all the drama, bs, emotional issues, etc. if you are concerned about holidays, let your friends know what you are doing and you may even get *adopted* by one of them. i have done some really cool things on holidays. take care of yourself and keep us updated. good luck!

pretext

stuckinline wrote:

if you are concerned about holidays, let your friends know what you are doing and you may even get *adopted* by one of them. i have done some really cool things on holidays. take care of yourself and keep us updated. good luck!

I second this idea. Fortunately, I never got to a disowning point, though we've had our issues. In the most intense times, I often spent holidays amongst friends. It's a beautiful thing to actually enjoy those days, to be with folks who take you in unconditionally.

Heineken Helen

covered in bliss wrote:

Were drugs involved. ?

How do you steal 10 grand from a cousin's wife? Renovations?

strangely enough, since I've cut off my mom and sis, I've been talking with a cousin that I haven't talked to in years. We caught up at my bro's wedding a year ago.. it's amazing how a door has closed and another has opened.

I still have pangs of guilt, though, and that's why I'm asking for viewpoints.

I don't speak to my mother... it's been over 10 years now... except for times when I have made efforts and thought 'well maybe things have changed', which of course they hadn't. Everything I did was for purely selfish reasons... if/when something happens to her, I want to be able to live guilt free. You need to think about if something happens, could you live with yourself? If no, then swallow some pride and try again.

Heineken Helen

beautifullife wrote:

I haven't really talked to my sister in over 10 years. I sometimes wonder if it is too late to get things back to how they once were. You're right though, holidays can be the toughest times when dealing with this shit

It will probably not get back to how it was... but, if you're wondering, it's not too late. Why don't you just give her a call and arrange to meet for a coffee or something?

Heineken Helen

covered in bliss wrote:

The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

That's dangerous.

I'm catholic... guilt can be a good thing. I'm pretty sure I won't have any but nobody can tell until the time comes.

What do you feel guilty about? Disowning her? Or something else?

Ms. Haiku

in 2003 I told my oldest sister to never call me again. She only talked to me to tell me how I wasn't living up to her standards in regards to my choices. I was turning 35 that year. I mean, if I"m going to fall or soar, let it be my responsibility, eh?

Anyhoo, she lives in Holland, and a couple times a year she comes over on a business trip. It's a little tense at first, but once the food is out it's better. I still have a wall up when it comes to her advice.

I have to say that when I was with my four siblings this past July 4th (including her) I felt like I belonged. I haven't felt that good in years. We are all different, but it just felt good to be with the four of them. They had their families, or in my sister's case her husband was back in Holland, but it was very cool for the 5 of us to be together.

einatshaul

I haven't spoken or remotely heard about my Father for 14 years. My mother... well... one phone call a year doesn't really count as a relationship...

Sometimes you go through life meeting/making new and improved role-models for yourself as you go along.

covered in bliss

HH-I don't really feel any guilt w/mom. She's had a foot in the grave numerous times (all alcohol related) and each time, I've hoped for her death. I realize how horrible that sounds but death would mean freedom from whatever demons possess her.

I felt guilty w/sis because she emailed me - she was fired from her job and really needed to talk. That used to be my place in the family-- I was the fixer.

I've since gotten over it, though, after sis sent a text saying something about mom's drinking being the reason for my not talking to her. The level of enmeshment is sickening with those 2. Her thinking what she does is sad... she's so clueless! Clueless enough that I'm thinking about emailing her to tell her exactly what's on my mind and to not contact me anymore. Things might change down the road but for now, I just can't/don't want to be involved with them. I would be nice but firm. Her contacting me every few days is making me nervous... I'm sure her husband will call mine soon and I'm sure she will drive over someday. That's way too dramatic and I'm getting uncomfortable when the doorbell rings. Also, I have kids and I'm not thrilled about the way things are playing out in front of them.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone!

patrickredeyes

We seem to all have pretty fucked up family members. Glad we can all share our stories on here.

JaneNY

Simply because you shared the same DNA or home, doesn't necessarily mean you're going to want to interact with them for the rest of your life. Do what you need to to keep yourself whole (original poster) - if being around the family members makes you feel worse, and you feel better when you're not around them, I think its pretty obvious what to do.

katellis

i would love to never talk to my brother. i avoid it as much as possible as it is. unfortunately, my mother would prolly disown me if i cut my brother out of my life completely, as he is the favorite child. ah families ..

katellis

comebackgirl wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

whoprincess wrote:

I don't know why the OP has been to therapy but if it's to deal with an alcoholic mother then I don't see that as having a problem with alcohol. And being prescribed anti-depressants, which are taken for depression, which is an illness, is not the same thing as abusing drugs or alcohol, so I don't think it's appropriate to talk about pill issues. CIB was asking for other people's experiences breaking off with family members, especially handling guilt feelings. I don't think piling on more guilt is necessary.

I'm just going on what was been posted here. That's why I asked the question about the therapy and such, I've not heard of anyone going to therapy alone for a family problem, that's all.

I see people in therapy all the time who are there because of a family problem - very often growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic and/or abusive. So much of the work is about what's been posted on here - recognizing you can't make the other person change and re-determining boundaries, etc. recognizing the changes you can make for yourself.

not to mention that a lot of (non-family) problems that people do go to therapy for have deep roots in family issues -- whether we recognize it or not right away.
going to therapy alone for a family problem shows that you are proactive and want to put a stop to whatever issues there are before it starts to seep into other areas of your life, as it inevitably will.

Heineken Helen

covered in bliss wrote:

Her contacting me every few days is making me nervous... I'm sure her husband will call mine soon and I'm sure she will drive over someday. That's way too dramatic and I'm getting uncomfortable when the doorbell rings. Also, I have kids and I'm not thrilled about the way things are playing out in front of them.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone!

That scenario sounds familiar and something I've dealt with a few times. If/when it happens, just firmly ask/demand them to leave if that's what you want. Don't bring emotion into it as that will never end well. When you have kids you have to lay the law down and keep them away from the situation. Doesn't matter who is to blame, it's nothing to do with the kids. Again, this is something I'm very very familiar with.

Heatherj43

I did it. I felt a lot of guilt for a long time. Now I do see some relatives, but only on my terms. I feel a lot of freedom and no guilt. My relatives learned, over time, that guilt pushes me further away so they stopped trying to throw it at me. They also know if they start any crap that is disrespectful, rude, or just anything that they only do to relatives, cuz only relatives would put up with that stuff, they will not see me for years again.
They now treat me how they'd like to be treated.