Just caught my girlfriends 14 yr old son smoking...

StillHere · April 2011

I just have to say ...after the advice I've given...and then I came back to it this morning, and it occurred to me that I should share the fact that my 3 grown kids have smoked since their teens, even my baby girl who always swore she would never ever smoke since her father's morning coughs and constant chain-smoking were repulsive to her. Now..she smokes....Go figure? But they KNOW I disapprove...I don't have to say a thing, and I don't..its just a given. And to this date, even in full adulthood....not one of them will ever smoke in my presence..which is worth at least something. While I think it's kind of cute...respect for Mom and all, I also think that at least it keeps them from smoking those few cigarettes that they would have smoked had they not been around me at the time. In the grand scheme I guess it really doesn't make a difference...but I like to think (hope) that it does. So what I'm saying is, make it known that you don't approve, and that his Mom would not approve...it might help, just a little..and every little bit counts.

I agree with the using videos and stuff as well. And I would suggest this: If anyone you know works in a long term care facility, perhaps you might want to take him with while you "drop by" for a visit. I can tell you from my nursing experience that there are plenty of old men (and women but mostly men as women didn't smoke so much back in the day) that can't breathe, really can NOT breathe, suffer from COPD etc., that rue the day they ever saw a cigarette, and in between gasps will be more than happy to have a chat with the youngster. Just as powerful, I think anyway, are the oldsters in the nursing homes and hospitals as well, who also cannot breathe, are on O2 etc...but who still are not able to stop smoking even though they know that their lives depend on it. Seeing that might have a powerful impact as well. If you don't know anyone who works in the venue, most LTC facilities do have a social coordinator who will arrange visits for the old folks in the home who don't have family or visitors that visit. Many of them are very lonely and absolutelyl love it when young people come and just sit and talk with them. He's bound to see a lot of what he needs to see if he gets involved with something like that. Just a thought.

As you can see from my 1st paragraph though, despite all this, as you know, nicotine is a powerfully addictive drug, and even with all my efforts, it did not deter my kids from smoking. So...you do what you can, and then you just hope for the best. At the very least, maybe he won't smoke in front of you and his mom..and at least that cuts down on the damage at least a little.

And I don't think anyone's asked...do you smoke? Or have you in the past? Maybe you have experiences to share as well.

I still stick by my first piece of advice though, let him know that while you hope it won't become necessary, that you and Mom don't like to keep things from each other, especially things that involve harm to her child...and urge him to speak to her before it becomes necessary for you to do so.

Good luck

BinauralJam · April 2011

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

StillHere · April 2011

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa!

vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

keeponrockin · April 2011

StillHere wrote:

show previous quotes

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Eh, I smoked my first J at 14... But then again, I'm in Canada.

StillHere · April 2011

keeponrockin wrote:

show previous quotes

StillHere wrote:

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Eh, I smoked my first J at 14... But then again, I'm in Canada.

can't deny that i did too...but now, being all responsible and all that..i can't say i would want my kids to be smoking pot at 14.....oh.yeah. that's right. too late. :roll:

cowboypjfan · April 2011

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

This. And mention to him that you only allow pot smoke in the house. You have to step outside for a cigarette.

Godfather. · April 2011

back when I had a girlfriend with kid's the 18 years old boy was selling weed and X out of the house and when I cought him I talked to his mom about it and she blew up at me saying I was A liar then about a month later he got busted at a concert selling X and we had to bail his sorry ass out and his dumb ass mother still believed every bit of bullshit he spit out of his mouth.....he was framed

moral of the story is "don't mess with a mother and her cubs" you the outsider will lose.
and yes I dumped her sorry ass shortly after bailing the punk out.

Godfather.

BinauralJam · April 2011

StillHere wrote:

show previous quotes

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Thank You, and you too,i cant wait to i get home.

Black73 · April 2011

StillHere wrote:

how about letting him know that you and his mom don't keep things from one another
especially not something as important as his smoking
and tell him you'll give him the chance to go to her with it first
because you think he's responsible enough and old enough to man up (or something to boost his ego a bit)

+1. Secrets between the man and woman are a recipe for disaster. Mom ain't gonna be happy - maybe not with you...but she'll be extra-pissed if she finds out you hid it from her.

EdsonNascimento · April 2011

Tell the mother. First, how do you not smell it on him? Smokers don't realize how nasty they smell.

If you lose the mother b/c she's "protecting her cub," she's not worth it. Just a sign of poor judgment on her part that you want no part of.

She may know and not care. Then - none of your business. It's over.

If she divulges to him you told her and he hates you more - so what? If she breaks up with you because of it, again - it wasn't meant to be.

The child's well being should be your first concern. Not your relationship. If your relationship can't survive this, then it wasn't really a relationship.

He's going to hate you either way. That's what parenting is. You do the right thing by your kids and hope they turn out ok. You can't and shouldn't do that based on your description of your relationship. Let the mother make the call. And it will be the closest thing you've done to being his parent than you've probably ever done.

_ · April 2011

pjfan31 wrote:

yep tell her.

My cousin started smoking when he was 12 or so... so he has been going a pack a day since then. He is now 31.... You won't want it to turn into a big addiction for the poor kid.

Health first aye...

I remember the first time I saw my sister smoking, at 13. I gave her a hard time about it, but didn't want to rock the boat too much - she was trying to be cool with her new friends & I probably thought it was just a phase & didn't want to lose her trust by telling on her. Now that she's been completely addicted for 21 years and been unsuccessful in her attempts to quit, I think we both wish I had been more forceful about getting her to stop back then, even if it meant telling our parents.

I did, however, tell my mom when my little brother was selling drugs out of her house. She didn't believe me, believing instead whatever explanations he gave her, no matter how outrageous. She still doesn't believe me and he lost his trust in me and our relationship hasn't been the same since. But he stopped selling drugs.

Claireack · April 2011

As a mother of a 14 year old - I would want to know if he'd been smoking.

I'm a smoker. I probably would try not to create a big scene about it, I'd sit down with both him and my hubby (who is a non-smoker) and try and give him fact based information about the dangers.

I had my first cigarette at 13 and despite trying a few times to give up I'm still a complete addict. I'd want to help my son avoid this and realise that he needs to kick the habit, but I'm aware if he's anything like I was at that age if I go in there with all guns blazing and say 'no you can't do that! I forbid it!' that he'll just say screw you and carry on.

EdsonNascimento · April 2011

Claireack wrote:

As a mother of a 14 year old - I would want to know if he'd been smoking.

I'm a smoker. I probably would try not to create a big scene about it, I'd sit down with both him and my hubby (who is a non-smoker) and try and give him fact based information about the dangers.

I had my first cigarette at 13 and despite trying a few times to give up I'm still a complete addict. I'd want to help my son avoid this and realise that he needs to kick the habit, but I'm aware if he's anything like I was at that age if I go in there with all guns blazing and say 'no you can't do that! I forbid it!' that he'll just say screw you and carry on.

That's why you and your son are killing yourselves one puff at a time. You're a parent - yes you can "forbid" him. But, you must provide reprecussions if he doesn't listen.

Educate him. Then forbid him. He may carry on, but maybe he gets the message. And if he does carry on, provide REAL consequence - you know that laptop you love so much - no more. You know how you like money on a Friday night - get real. You know how you like cable tv in your room - my tv and it goes into storage. I love this new version of parenting where everyone tries to be their kids' friend.

Obviously, you have the tougher task of do a I say not as I do. But, maybe this is just the incentive you need to quit yourself. Son, we'll work this one day at a time. Every ciggy I have, you get 2. I want to be alive to see that you are alive to raise a healthy and happy family. You are right - there's no chance he stops if you don't. And you're already making excuses for him, so you have an excuse yourself. And at least this way, you're killing him twice as fast as yourself, so he can catch up to you.

WaveRyder · April 2011

EdsonNascimento wrote:

show previous quotes

Claireack wrote:

As a mother of a 14 year old - I would want to know if he'd been smoking.

I'm a smoker. I probably would try not to create a big scene about it, I'd sit down with both him and my hubby (who is a non-smoker) and try and give him fact based information about the dangers.

I had my first cigarette at 13 and despite trying a few times to give up I'm still a complete addict. I'd want to help my son avoid this and realise that he needs to kick the habit, but I'm aware if he's anything like I was at that age if I go in there with all guns blazing and say 'no you can't do that! I forbid it!' that he'll just say screw you and carry on.

That's why you and your son are killing yourselves one puff at a time. You're a parent - yes you can "forbid" him. But, you must provide reprecussions if he doesn't listen.

Educate him. Then forbid him. He may carry on, but maybe he gets the message. And if he does carry on, provide REAL consequence - you know that laptop you love so much - no more. You know how you like money on a Friday night - get real. You know how you like cable tv in your room - my tv and it goes into storage. I love this new version of parenting where everyone tries to be their kids' friend.

Obviously, you have the tougher task of do a I say not as I do. But, maybe this is just the incentive you need to quit yourself. Son, we'll work this one day at a time. Every ciggy I have, you get 2. I want to be alive to see that you are alive to raise a healthy and happy family. You are right - there's no chance he stops if you don't. And you're already making excuses for him, so you have an excuse yourself. And at least this way, you're killing him twice as fast as yourself, so he can catch up to you.

you're both right. Kids will smoke whether their parents 'forbid' them to or not. The harder the fist clenches, the more sand slips through the fingers.

Parents need to be parents, but she is right in saying, the harder you come down, the more chance the kid will just say fuck off. Take away all the entertaining stuff at home...the kid will sneak out and get in more trouble.

But, i encourage cigarette smoking. Every pack of cigarettes in this country saves american taxpayers, collectively, one dollar.

it's true but not a good reason to smoke

EmBleve · April 2011

EdsonNascimento wrote:

show previous quotes

Claireack wrote:

As a mother of a 14 year old - I would want to know if he'd been smoking.

I'm a smoker. I probably would try not to create a big scene about it, I'd sit down with both him and my hubby (who is a non-smoker) and try and give him fact based information about the dangers.

I had my first cigarette at 13 and despite trying a few times to give up I'm still a complete addict. I'd want to help my son avoid this and realise that he needs to kick the habit, but I'm aware if he's anything like I was at that age if I go in there with all guns blazing and say 'no you can't do that! I forbid it!' that he'll just say screw you and carry on.

That's why you and your son are killing yourselves one puff at a time. You're a parent - yes you can "forbid" him. But, you must provide reprecussions if he doesn't listen.

Educate him. Then forbid him. He may carry on, but maybe he gets the message. And if he does carry on, provide REAL consequence - you know that laptop you love so much - no more. You know how you like money on a Friday night - get real. You know how you like cable tv in your room - my tv and it goes into storage. I love this new version of parenting where everyone tries to be their kids' friend.

Obviously, you have the tougher task of do a I say not as I do. But, maybe this is just the incentive you need to quit yourself. Son, we'll work this one day at a time. Every ciggy I have, you get 2. I want to be alive to see that you are alive to raise a healthy and happy family. You are right - there's no chance he stops if you don't. And you're already making excuses for him, so you have an excuse yourself. And at least this way, you're killing him twice as fast as yourself, so he can catch up to you.

okay, I don't have kids (yet...it's a problematic issue)...but, I have a friend who has a 9 year old...'diagnosed' with adhd....she's just too smart (IMO) and is bored in her class structure........ANYTHING they try to take away from her is "okay"....'you can't get on the computer'...."okay"...'you can't watch your favorite TV program for 2 weeks'..."Okay".....'you can't jump on your trampoline for two weeks'...."Okay"....NOTHING they say to her matters..
p.s. do you have kids?? and, it should be...for every 5 cigs I have, you get ONE. Your argument doesn't hold up, especially if it graduates to drug use...but it's hard to say 'you can't do this', if your parents are doing it.

WaveRyder · April 2011

EmBleve wrote:

okay, I don't have kids (yet...it's a problematic issue)...but, I have a friend who has a 9 year old...'diagnosed' with adhd....she's just too smart (IMO) and is bored in her class structure........ANYTHING they try to take away from her is "okay"....'you can't get on the computer'...."okay"...'you can't watch your favorite TV program for 2 weeks'..."Okay".....'you can't jump on your trampoline for two weeks'...."Okay"....NOTHING they say to her matters..
p.s. do you have kids??

just by reading your post, id assume she is on ADHD drugs....that's what is supposed to happen. because parents and teacher can't deal with an underachieving kid, they drug em up so they become zombies. ADHD is overdiagnosed in this country and its disgusting.

Cosmo · April 2011

My take...
Tell him that he as to come clean with his mom... it'll be better for him is she hears it from him... instead of you.

EmBleve · April 2011

WaveRyder wrote:

show previous quotes

EmBleve wrote:

okay, I don't have kids (yet...it's a problematic issue)...but, I have a friend who has a 9 year old...'diagnosed' with adhd....she's just too smart (IMO) and is bored in her class structure........ANYTHING they try to take away from her is "okay"....'you can't get on the computer'...."okay"...'you can't watch your favorite TV program for 2 weeks'..."Okay".....'you can't jump on your trampoline for two weeks'...."Okay"....NOTHING they say to her matters..
p.s. do you have kids??

just by reading your post, id assume she is on ADHD drugs....that's what is supposed to happen. because parents and teacher can't deal with an underachieving kid, they drug em up so they become zombies. ADHD is overdiagnosed in this country and its disgusting.

I tee-totally agree...I grew up with her mother, and, instead of trying to get this girl in advanced classes, or dealing with 'hyperactivity' (again, what 9 year old is not hyperactive).....they take her to a flocking psychologist and have had her on TWO separate drugs in the past 2 months, because one 'doesn't work' within a 3 day span, so let's schedule another appointment.......it's crazy...if it were me..(again, easy to say because I don't have kids)...get her into an advanced class and GERMINATE those seeds!!!.....she's not an 'underachiever'....she's above what is expected..and hyperactive as a result (this is just what I think)....but my boyfriend, coincidentally, was an 'underachiever', and I have personally diagnosed him as dyslexic (and he's 24)...but his parents never saw that....there are so many sides to this coin. And DRUGS to Subdue are NOT the answer!!!!!!!

EmBleve · April 2011

...and I have a master's in forensic psychology...I am not practicing, for personal reasons, but this may be one of those reasons.....people are just so disconnected nowadays, and looking for the 'quick fix'..it's not about encouragment and support and looking for what could be possible...it's about 'give my kid some drugs and put em out cuz i can't deal'....

Claireack · April 2011

EdsonNascimento wrote:

show previous quotes

Claireack wrote:

As a mother of a 14 year old - I would want to know if he'd been smoking.

I'm a smoker. I probably would try not to create a big scene about it, I'd sit down with both him and my hubby (who is a non-smoker) and try and give him fact based information about the dangers.

I had my first cigarette at 13 and despite trying a few times to give up I'm still a complete addict. I'd want to help my son avoid this and realise that he needs to kick the habit, but I'm aware if he's anything like I was at that age if I go in there with all guns blazing and say 'no you can't do that! I forbid it!' that he'll just say screw you and carry on.

That's why you and your son are killing yourselves one puff at a time. You're a parent - yes you can "forbid" him. But, you must provide reprecussions if he doesn't listen.

Educate him. Then forbid him. He may carry on, but maybe he gets the message. And if he does carry on, provide REAL consequence - you know that laptop you love so much - no more. You know how you like money on a Friday night - get real. You know how you like cable tv in your room - my tv and it goes into storage. I love this new version of parenting where everyone tries to be their kids' friend.

Obviously, you have the tougher task of do a I say not as I do. But, maybe this is just the incentive you need to quit yourself. Son, we'll work this one day at a time. Every ciggy I have, you get 2. I want to be alive to see that you are alive to raise a healthy and happy family. You are right - there's no chance he stops if you don't. And you're already making excuses for him, so you have an excuse yourself. And at least this way, you're killing him twice as fast as yourself, so he can catch up to you.

I was speaking in they hypothetical. My son does not smoke and is as yet completely against the idea. Yes I agree education, I said it myself that fact based information was the way to go.

From your reply I felt that you were quite agressive towards me, that is your prerogative, but I'd rather talk and discuss things with my son and explain things to him in a rational reasoned manner than yell at him. Yes I remove privileges where appropriate and so does my non-smoking husband.

You say 'I love this new version of parenting where everyone tries to be their kids' friend.' Showing a little respect to my son isn't trying to be his friend. Surely using effective communication is important in every aspect of your life, why should it be any different with your children.

Just caught my girlfriends 14 yr old son smoking...

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