Just caught my girlfriends 14 yr old son smoking...

Beck..

I dont have the greatest relationship with my girlfriends son and telling his mum is only going to make that relationship harder, although i know i cant keep it from her,how should i handle this...?? :?

magga1976

Kick his ass Seabass

Honestly the truth hurts but; tell your girlfriend. When her son makes it to adulthood he may thank you for it!

Cool Face Ryan

let him be.

Beck..

manutd3581 wrote:

let him be.

If she finds out i knew then my life would be over

TheGhost

Maybe try talking to him about it before you tell her. It might be a good way to show you care. Make sure he knows he's messing with something dangerous. Kids will be kids and will try all that stuff so anyone freaking out on him is pointless.... but talking to him shouldn't hurt.

Harvtron

I guess this may not matter, but smoking what? Whatever it is pot or tobacco, what if you talked to him? Maybe give him a chance before you go to your girl friend. I understand she would kill you if she found out you knew and said nothing to her but, giving the Kid a chance might help your relationship with him, which might then help your relationship as a potential family.
Another question I have is, does he know you know?

thesewordselope

TheGhost wrote:

Maybe try talking to him about it before you tell her. It might be a good way to show you care. Make sure he knows he's messing with something dangerous. Kids will be kids and will try all that stuff so anyone freaking out on him is pointless.... but talking to him shouldn't hurt.

I agree...but make sure you do tell your girlfriend. Maybe if you explain to her that you have spoken to him about it she will leave it at that? That way you can attempt to form some kind of relationship with him instead of making it appear as though you are out to get him (which is most likely what a 14 year old is going to think)

Prince Of Dorkness

Mind your own business.

Austicman

PENALTY CONE!!

WaveRyder

Don't tell her.

buy him a pack of smokes

and black mail the little bastard

Tenzing N.

Yes- the only adult thing to do here is to blackmail him but not too obviously or it may come back to bite you. You can get a ton of work out of a 14 year old.

StillHere

how about letting him know that you and his mom don't keep things from one another
especially not something as important as his smoking
and tell him you'll give him the chance to go to her with it first
because you think he's responsible enough and old enough to man up (or something to boost his ego a bit)

zarocat

Make him smoke & smoke, making it seem (to him) like it's the cool thing to do, till he turns green and pukes.

I also like the blackmail option too. Buy him the smokes and then toss them to him across the path of his mothers eyesight when she's near by. Just the scrambling this kid will begin to do will be enough for his mother to take action.

dimitrispearljam

Prince Of Dorkness wrote:

Mind your own business.

pandora

Tell her she needs to know.

Tell him first.

But if he wants to smoke ... whether its been an example in the house or not,
he will continue to smoke. Perhaps due to his peers.

We can not control our young adults but we can try to help them to see.

g under p

thesewordselope wrote:

TheGhost wrote:

Maybe try talking to him about it before you tell her. It might be a good way to show you care. Make sure he knows he's messing with something dangerous. Kids will be kids and will try all that stuff so anyone freaking out on him is pointless.... but talking to him shouldn't hurt.

I agree...but make sure you do tell your girlfriend. Maybe if you explain to her that you have spoken to him about it she will leave it at that? That way you can attempt to form some kind of relationship with him instead of making it appear as though you are out to get him (which is most likely what a 14 year old is going to think)

Two great points here....Someone asked does the 14 year old knows you know he has been smoking? I would definately speak to him first BEFORE telling your girlfriend if at all. It depends on how that conversation goes. I would speak to him in the sense of the DANGERS of smoking and how addictive it can be. Sort of like in an educational way instead of a scolding way. In this particular way you could possibly form a sort of relationship showing that you care about him and his FUTURE health. You show him videos, stars that have died early from the habit forming addiction of smoking, how it can shorten your life etc.

I have a stepson to be now 14 but at the time he was 10-11 and he was defiant about wearing a seatbelt. His Dad thought it was too kool to NOT wear a seatbelt so he did the same and also to be defiant to me. Upon the first incident he refused to wear his seatbelt sitting in the front seat, I stopped the car right in the middle of highway 441here in FL at a light. I refused to move the car after leaving the state Fair until he put on his seatbelt. He reluctantly put it on, even though he was mad as can be why because he didn't like anybody telling him what to do. Embarrassed I left him alone for awhile let things calm down some then casually showed him some Youtube videos of car crashes with people who were NOT wearing seatbelts. Two stood out...one with a someone's facial imprint in a windshield (that person happened to end up paralyzed) and the other showed someone being thrown from a SUV ended up in the opposite lanes the run over my a 18 wheeler.

Today he's the VERY first one in the car to wear his seat, I have never had to tell him to click it or I'll get a ticket. So do talk to him you could be saving or lenghtening his life.

Peace

pjfan31

yep tell her.

My cousin started smoking when he was 12 or so... so he has been going a pack a day since then. He is now 31.... You won't want it to turn into a big addiction for the poor kid.

Health first aye...

EmBleve

Harvtron wrote:

Another question I have is, does he know you know?

I was wondering that same thing.

Blockhead

Just talk to the boy...
Telling the mom is only going to make him hide smoking more.
I find it hard to believe a "involved" parent does not know when their kid is smoking...
If you live in a smoke free house you should be able to smell his clothes/car/ from a mile away.
I smoked in high school and though I was fooling my dad, If he asked I would say there was a bond fire, etc.
He knew the whole time.
Also there is a difference between 1 cig and smoking. Make sure you find out which one it is
I know when I first started the 1st couple of months or so I was not even inhaling

Beck..

EmBleve wrote:

Harvtron wrote:

Another question I have is, does he know you know?

I was wondering that same thing.

yeah i walked in the front door and could smell smoke it was blowing through the house and there he was sucking on a Marlborough light,then the little shit tried to bribe me with something that his mum already knows.

EmBleve

oh my. :? I think she is going to find out anyway eventually, but you're in a bad spot because once she does find out (if you don't tell her), he will probably tell her that you saw him, inadvertently or otherwise. You should probably talk to him, and maybe tell him that you think she should know and you don't want to be caught in the middle of it, and that you feel obligated to tell her. Sticky situation indeed. He's probably going to smoke regardless of what either of you says.

StillHere

I just have to say ...after the advice I've given...and then I came back to it this morning, and it occurred to me that I should share the fact that my 3 grown kids have smoked since their teens, even my baby girl who always swore she would never ever smoke since her father's morning coughs and constant chain-smoking were repulsive to her. Now..she smokes....Go figure? But they KNOW I disapprove...I don't have to say a thing, and I don't..its just a given. And to this date, even in full adulthood....not one of them will ever smoke in my presence..which is worth at least something. While I think it's kind of cute...respect for Mom and all, I also think that at least it keeps them from smoking those few cigarettes that they would have smoked had they not been around me at the time. In the grand scheme I guess it really doesn't make a difference...but I like to think (hope) that it does. So what I'm saying is, make it known that you don't approve, and that his Mom would not approve...it might help, just a little..and every little bit counts.

I agree with the using videos and stuff as well. And I would suggest this: If anyone you know works in a long term care facility, perhaps you might want to take him with while you "drop by" for a visit. I can tell you from my nursing experience that there are plenty of old men (and women but mostly men as women didn't smoke so much back in the day) that can't breathe, really can NOT breathe, suffer from COPD etc., that rue the day they ever saw a cigarette, and in between gasps will be more than happy to have a chat with the youngster. Just as powerful, I think anyway, are the oldsters in the nursing homes and hospitals as well, who also cannot breathe, are on O2 etc...but who still are not able to stop smoking even though they know that their lives depend on it. Seeing that might have a powerful impact as well. If you don't know anyone who works in the venue, most LTC facilities do have a social coordinator who will arrange visits for the old folks in the home who don't have family or visitors that visit. Many of them are very lonely and absolutelyl love it when young people come and just sit and talk with them. He's bound to see a lot of what he needs to see if he gets involved with something like that. Just a thought.

As you can see from my 1st paragraph though, despite all this, as you know, nicotine is a powerfully addictive drug, and even with all my efforts, it did not deter my kids from smoking. So...you do what you can, and then you just hope for the best. At the very least, maybe he won't smoke in front of you and his mom..and at least that cuts down on the damage at least a little.

And I don't think anyone's asked...do you smoke? Or have you in the past? Maybe you have experiences to share as well.

I still stick by my first piece of advice though, let him know that while you hope it won't become necessary, that you and Mom don't like to keep things from each other, especially things that involve harm to her child...and urge him to speak to her before it becomes necessary for you to do so.

Good luck

BinauralJam

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

StillHere

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

keeponrockin

StillHere wrote:

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Eh, I smoked my first J at 14... But then again, I'm in Canada.

StillHere

keeponrockin wrote:

StillHere wrote:

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Eh, I smoked my first J at 14... But then again, I'm in Canada.

can't deny that i did too...but now, being all responsible and all that..i can't say i would want my kids to be smoking pot at 14.....oh.yeah. that's right. too late. :roll:

cowboypjfan

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

This. And mention to him that you only allow pot smoke in the house. You have to step outside for a cigarette.

Godfather.

back when I had a girlfriend with kid's the 18 years old boy was selling weed and X out of the house and when I cought him I talked to his mom about it and she blew up at me saying I was A liar then about a month later he got busted at a concert selling X and we had to bail his sorry ass out and his dumb ass mother still believed every bit of bullshit he spit out of his mouth.....he was framed

moral of the story is "don't mess with a mother and her cubs" you the outsider will lose.
and yes I dumped her sorry ass shortly after bailing the punk out.


Godfather.

BinauralJam

StillHere wrote:

BinauralJam wrote:

Roll him a J, tell'em if he's gona smoke, smoke the real stuff.

hahahaaa! vWere he not 14, i would tend to agree.. BTW..happy 420 BJ!!

Thank You, and you too,i cant wait to i get home.

Black73

StillHere wrote:

how about letting him know that you and his mom don't keep things from one another
especially not something as important as his smoking
and tell him you'll give him the chance to go to her with it first
because you think he's responsible enough and old enough to man up (or something to boost his ego a bit)

+1. Secrets between the man and woman are a recipe for disaster. Mom ain't gonna be happy - maybe not with you...but she'll be extra-pissed if she finds out you hid it from her.

EdsonNascimento

Tell the mother. First, how do you not smell it on him? Smokers don't realize how nasty they smell.

If you lose the mother b/c she's "protecting her cub," she's not worth it. Just a sign of poor judgment on her part that you want no part of.

She may know and not care. Then - none of your business. It's over.

If she divulges to him you told her and he hates you more - so what? If she breaks up with you because of it, again - it wasn't meant to be.

The child's well being should be your first concern. Not your relationship. If your relationship can't survive this, then it wasn't really a relationship.

He's going to hate you either way. That's what parenting is. You do the right thing by your kids and hope they turn out ok. You can't and shouldn't do that based on your description of your relationship. Let the mother make the call. And it will be the closest thing you've done to being his parent than you've probably ever done.