*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

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  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJCfUm21BsI :P
  • Newch91
    Newch91 Posts: 17,560
    Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:

    I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
    Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
    "Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Newch91 wrote:
    Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:

    I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
    oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
    Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time ;) try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
    works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises! :lol:
  • Newch91
    Newch91 Posts: 17,560
    pandora wrote:
    Newch91 wrote:
    Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:

    I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
    oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
    Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time ;) try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
    works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises! :lol:
    It's funny a little bit because it's the second time that it's happened to me! I just said to myself, "Not again".
    Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
    "Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Newch91 wrote:
    pandora wrote:
    Newch91 wrote:
    Apparantely some of my friends think me going to Dunkin Donuts yesterday was a joke:

    I walk into Dunkin Donuts to get some food for dinner because I have a night class. I order a chocolate donut, bacon, egg, and cheese on plain bagel, and a strawberry coolata. I get the total, pull out my wallet, and noticed I didn't have any money in my wallet. So I just walked out.
    oh my, that's not funny... you were all ready for a great meal!
    Hide a spare $10 in your wallet for next time ;) try to forget about it then you'll be surprised when you find it
    works for me but I'm getting forgetful, that's the nice thing about that, lots of surprises! :lol:
    It's funny a little bit because it's the second time that it's happened to me! I just said to myself, "Not again".
    :lol: well then no pity on you! :lol:
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    This one is for all the Blonde joke lovers! including me!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIA1VS2b ... re=related
  • Nothingman54
    Nothingman54 Posts: 2,251
    I'm stoned like a woman in Iran.
    I'll be back
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    Old Python Joke:

    One guys says, "My dog lost it's nose."
    The other guy asks, "How does it smell?"
    "Just awful."
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
    The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
    The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" :D:lol:
  • theoceansmademe
    theoceansmademe Posts: 1,132
    pandora wrote:
    A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
    The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
    The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" :D:lol:

    great one will share this with my 7 year old.
  • theoceansmademe
    theoceansmademe Posts: 1,132
    A group of psychologist want to study the effect dog owner career choice has on the dog's behavior.

    They get 3 puppies from the same litter place one with an architect, an accountant, and a waiter.

    The dog's go off for one year.

    One year later all 3 dogs are brought back and placed in a room with 20 dog treats.

    The architect's dog is lead into the room, he looks at the treats and builds a house. He eats a few treats and then goes off and lays down in the corner.

    The accountant's dog is next. He looks at the bones, counts them, breaks them up into 4 groups of 5, eats a few and then joins the other dog.

    The waiters dog is then placed in the room. He looks at the bones, smashes them into a powder, snorts the dust, goes over to the other two dogs and fucks them up the ass, gets on the phone calls in sick and then takes a nap.
  • nuffingman
    nuffingman Posts: 3,014
    theoceansmademe wrote:
    A group of psychologist want to study the effect dog owner career choice has on the dog's behavior.

    They get 3 puppies from the same litter place one with an architect, an accountant, and a waiter.

    The dog's go off for one year.

    One year later all 3 dogs are brought back and placed in a room with 20 dog treats.

    The architect's dog is lead into the room, he looks at the treats and builds a house. He eats a few treats and then goes off and lays down in the corner.

    The accountant's dog is next. He looks at the bones, counts them, breaks them up into 4 groups of 5, eats a few and then joins the other dog.

    The waiters dog is then placed in the room. He looks at the bones, smashes them into a powder, snorts the dust, goes over to the other two dogs and fucks them up the ass, gets on the phone calls in sick and then takes a nap.
    :lol::lol:

    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice screamed from inside the box, “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

    The vicar shouted back, “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!”
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
    An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth... :D
  • Eraserhead
    Eraserhead Stoke-on-Trent Posts: 2,981
    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrott.

    How do you kill a circus?
    Go for the juggler.

    A penguin walks into a pub and asks the landlord "have you seen my dad"? And the landlord replies "what does he look like?"
    Manchester 04.06.00, Leeds 25.08.06, Wembley 18.06.07, Dusseldorf 21.06.07, Shepherds Bush 11.08.09, Manchester 17.08.09, Adelaide 17.11.09, Melbourne 20.11.09, Sydney 22.11.09, Brisbane 25.11.09, MSG1 20.05.10, MSG2 21.05.10, Dublin 22.06.10, Belfast 23.06.10, London 25.06.10, Long Beach 06.07.11 (EV), Los Angeles 08.07.11 (EV), Toronto 11.09.11, Toronto 12.09.11, Ottawa 14.09.11, Hamilton 14.09.11, Manchester 20.06.12, Manchester 21.06.12, Amsterdam 26.06.2012, Amsterdam 27.06.2012, Berlin 04.07.12, Berlin 05.07.12, Stockholm 07.07.12, Oslo 09.07.12, Copenhagen 10.07.12, Manchester 28.07.12 (EV), Brooklyn 18.10.13, Brooklyn 19.10.13, Philly 21.10.13, Philly 22.10.13, San Diego 21.11.13, LA 23.11.13, LA 24.11.13, Oakland 26.11.13, Portland 29.11.13, Spokane 30.11.13, Calgary 02.12.13, Vancouver 04.12.13, Seattle 06.12.13, Trieste 22.06.14, Vienna 25.06.14, Berlin 26.06.14, Stockholm 28.06.14, Leeds 08.07.14, Philly 28.04.16, Philly 28.04.16, MSG1 01.05.16, MSG2 02.05.16
  • Jukee
    Jukee Posts: 4,500
    This one made me laugh this morning...

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into. :lol:
    If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to worry about.
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    edited September 2010
    A man pulls his wife into the bedroom and rips off her clothes.
    "Now honey, do a handstand against the full-length mirror on the wall"
    "Hmmm", she thinks, "Kinky...I like it!"
    She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart puts his chin down on her privates.
    "The boys down the pub were right", he exclaims, "a goatie WOULD suit me!"
    Post edited by Franny on
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream." Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!" :D
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    three men go on holiday and find that thier accomodation has been incorrectly booked. There is only one room left at the motel and it had only one bed. So they share, after all it's only one night.
    Morning comes and the guy sleeping on right says " Last night I dreamt I had the best wank ever". The guy on the left says "Me too!" The guy in the middle says " I dreamt I was skiing!"
  • DangDang
    DangDang Posts: 1,551
    Did you hear about the broken-hearted tractor salesman?



    He got a John Deere letter.
  • nuffingman
    nuffingman Posts: 3,014
    Sagittarius Crux wrote:
    three men go on holiday and find that thier accomodation has been incorrectly booked. There is only one room left at the motel and it had only one bed. So they share, after all it's only one night.
    Morning comes and the guy sleeping on right says " Last night I dreamt I had the best wank ever". The guy on the left says "Me too!" The guy in the middle says " I dreamt I was skiing!"
    :lol::lol::lol::lol:

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