*** Jokes of the Day!! ***

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  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Nothingman54 wrote:
    Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
    Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!


    88a82f38.jpg
    8-) added pic :lol: :thumbup: :lol:
  • dimitrispearljam
    dimitrispearljam Posts: 139,725
    guy woke up ,lives in a village ,and see from his window a funeral pass
    go outside and see his friend,Billy alone behind the car with 2 coffins,and behind him around 300 people all men and one behind the other ,in a line
    wtf.he dress quickly go to billy and says,
    -hey bro what happen?
    -my wife man.died last night...
    -really?how?
    -our dog attack her..
    -fuck,and the other coffin?
    -my mother in law,died yesterday too..our dog kill her too..
    r-eally man?ok,can you please give me your dog for a couple of days?
    -sorry man,there is a line for that,u must go in the end
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    dimitrispearljam wrote:
    guy woke up ,lives in a village ,and see from his window a funeral pass
    go outside and see his friend,Billy alone behind the car with 2 coffins,and behind him around 300 people all men and one behind the other ,in a line
    wtf.he dress quickly go to billy and says,
    -hey bro what happen?
    -my wife man.died last night...
    -really?how?
    -our dog attack her..
    -fuck,and the other coffin?
    -my mother in law,died yesterday too..our dog kill her too..
    r-eally man?ok,can you please give me your dog for a couple of days?
    -sorry man,there is a line for that,u must go in the end

    :D
  • Jukee
    Jukee Posts: 4,500
    Nothingman54 wrote:
    Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
    Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!


    88a82f38.jpg


    BAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that :D
    If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to worry about.
  • davidtrios
    davidtrios Posts: 9,732
    Jukee wrote:
    Nothingman54 wrote:
    Husband and wife shopping at Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks what he is doing. He says that the beer is on sale. 24 cans for $10. She says that they cannot afford that so he puts it back. A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks what's that for. The wife says it makes her face pretty. The husband says "so does 24 cans of beer and its half the price."
    Clean up in isle 26. Husband down!


    88a82f38.jpg


    BAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for that :D

    classic
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    :D
    Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
    It comes with all of Ken's stuff

    What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
    "This place rocks!"

    What is Iraq's national bird?
    Duck

    Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
    It changes your blood type

    Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
    A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

    A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
    :lol:
  • FrankieG
    FrankieG Abingdon MD Posts: 9,100
    pandora wrote:

    A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
    :lol:

    :lol::lol:
    Never get tired of blonde jokes :D
    2003: 7/14 NJ ... 2006: 6/1 NJ, 6/3 NJ ... 2007: 8/5 IL ... 2008: 6/24 NY, 6/25 NY, 8/7 EV NJ ... 2009: 10/27 PA, 10/28 PA, 10/30 PA, 10/31 PA
    2010: 5/20 NY, 5/21 NY ... 2011: 6/21 EV NY, 9/3 WI, 9/4 WI ... 2012: 9/2 PA, 9/22 GA ... 2013: 10/18 NY, 10/19 NY, 10/21 PA, 10/22 PA, 10/27 MD
    2015: 9/23 NY, 9/26 NY ... 2016: 4/28 PA, 4/29 PA, 5/1 NY, 5/2 NY, 6/11 TN, 8/7 MA, 11/4 TOTD PA, 11/5 TOTD PA ... 2018: 8/10 WA
    2022: 9/14 NJ ... 2024: 5/28 WA, 9/7 PA, 9/9 PA ---- http://imgur.com/a/nk0s7
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Happy B-day D!! :D

    Blonde Logic


    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

    March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

    What a year!! :lol:

    Have a good one!
  • Nothingman54
    Nothingman54 Posts: 2,251
    A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

    The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

    The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare. 
    I'll be back
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Nothingman54 wrote:
    A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

    The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

    The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare. 
    :D who thinks this stuff up :lol:
  • Anon
    Anon Posts: 11,175
    How do small children travel??











    Mini Vans!
  • Anon
    Anon Posts: 11,175
    What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?









    Buck Teeth!
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqHPqTDHxJs :lol:
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC0yfREB ... re=related :lol:
  • JOEJOEJOE
    JOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,825
    Ideas for t-shirts at a Dubai souvenier shop:

    "My girlfriend went to Dubai, and all she brought back was camel toe"

    or

    "I saw Camel Toe in Dubai" (shirt has a picture of a sexy looking camel)
  • Lizard
    Lizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    Not really "jokes" but they made me laugh. Supposed to be true 911 calls but who knows....
    *********************
    Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
    Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
    Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
    Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
    Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
    Dispatcher : Excuse me?
    Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it..
    Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
    Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
    Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
    Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
    Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
    Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
    Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
    Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
    Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
    Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!



    Dispatcher: 9-1-1
    Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.....I think I'm going to pass out.
    Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
    Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
    Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
    Caller: No, I'm a Methodist
    Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
    Caller: Running from the Police.
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • Newch91
    Newch91 Posts: 17,560
    There's a joke I know called My Dog Named Sex but I don't think I should post here incase the thread gets locked.
    Shows: 6.27.08 Hartford, CT/5.15.10 Hartford, CT/6.18.2011 Hartford, CT (EV Solo)/10.19.13 Brooklyn/10.25.13 Hartford
    "Becoming a Bruce fan is like hitting puberty as a musical fan. It's inevitable." - dcfaithful
  • RKCNDY
    RKCNDY Posts: 31,013
    Newch91 wrote:
    There's a joke I know called My Dog Named Sex but I don't think I should post here incase the thread gets locked.

    Here Newch....you reminded me of this...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6MTTkGsz3E
    (don't listen to at work w/o headphones!)
    The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

    - Christopher McCandless
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    Newch91 wrote:
    There's a joke I know called My Dog Named Sex but I don't think I should post here incase the thread gets locked.
    thank you... you are good to me and my thread!
    got a clean one? :D
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    BUMPER STICKERS! :D

    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

    If you are psychic - think "HONK"

    Grow your own dope, plant a man.

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

    You! Off my planet!

    Keep honking, I'm reloading.

    A penny saved is ridiculous.

    Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

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