Disowning Family

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  • haffajappa
    haffajappa British Columbia Posts: 5,955
    My boyfriend mentioned the other day how (when we get married) he wouldnt want to invite any of his family to our wedding.

    This made me kind of sad, since I'm pretty close to my family. I actually always find it sad how he resents his family so much... not just the fact that he can't let go of anger towards them but also the fact that his family seems to have caused so much hurt towards him.

    I'll never understand it fully because I come from a loving family...
    All depends on your situation.
    live pearl jam is best pearl jam
  • patrickredeyes
    patrickredeyes Posts: 8,834
    pandora wrote:
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    I was ready to reach out to my sister and end our standoff. But after the shit she pulled Saturday I don't know now. :?
    It was my dad's birthday Saturday and I made sure to wish him a happy birthday b4 I left for the airport and even called him b4 the Philly show a couple times. But during the day my good sister came down to my folks house with her kids and they had cards and gifts for my dad. Well as soon as they were there the phone rang and it was my other sister. She talks to my mom and heard my nephew and sister in the background. She asks my mom are you having a party for dad? My mother says no and tells her your sister came down with the kids just to wish him a happy birthday. Lynn hangs up the on my mother. A few mins later the phone rings again and my mother answers. It's lynn's son asking to speak to Grampa. My dad talks to him for a while and then asks him to put his mother on. He replies my mom doesn't wanna talk to you. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND SHE WON'T TALK TO HIM...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! And she makes her son call and say that. I am clueless on what to do now. I know my dad was upset and so was my mother. In the past year we have gone threw so much and she still acts like this. It's very sad and very upsetting. :cry: :evil: :roll: :?
    To be in a family and be the bad sister must be just awful. To have a good sister even worse. To be the son of the bad sister worst of all. No matter what the mistakes always for the children try to repair. They deserve to be in a family of love if at all possible.

    The ''bad'' sister caused all the issues and only has herself to blame.
    She didn't even send him a birthday card. Another awful thing on her long list of awful things she has done to her family.
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    pandora wrote:
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    I was ready to reach out to my sister and end our standoff. But after the shit she pulled Saturday I don't know now. :?
    It was my dad's birthday Saturday and I made sure to wish him a happy birthday b4 I left for the airport and even called him b4 the Philly show a couple times. But during the day my good sister came down to my folks house with her kids and they had cards and gifts for my dad. Well as soon as they were there the phone rang and it was my other sister. She talks to my mom and heard my nephew and sister in the background. She asks my mom are you having a party for dad? My mother says no and tells her your sister came down with the kids just to wish him a happy birthday. Lynn hangs up the on my mother. A few mins later the phone rings again and my mother answers. It's lynn's son asking to speak to Grampa. My dad talks to him for a while and then asks him to put his mother on. He replies my mom doesn't wanna talk to you. IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY AND SHE WON'T TALK TO HIM...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! And she makes her son call and say that. I am clueless on what to do now. I know my dad was upset and so was my mother. In the past year we have gone threw so much and she still acts like this. It's very sad and very upsetting. :cry: :evil: :roll: :?
    To be in a family and be the bad sister must be just awful. To have a good sister even worse. To be the son of the bad sister worst of all. No matter what the mistakes always for the children try to repair. They deserve to be in a family of love if at all possible.

    The ''bad'' sister caused all the issues and only has herself to blame.
    She didn't even send him a birthday card. Another awful thing on her long list of awful things she has done to her family.
    I know- I know your family is not to blame- I always said my twin sisters were each born with half a brain for the senseless things they have done to others mostly my father which always really pissed me off. But maybe once labeled people do that which is expected of them- even the bad stuff. We wouldn't think so but they do. I was hoping there was away to break the cycle- bring her in- forgive so she can forgive herself maybe. This for her childs sake- your nephew- cause I'm sure he can see she is a black sheep and also his example in life. And perhaps also he is her rock because a boy will defend his Mama, hopefully this is the case because I think she needs somebody.
  • Nothingman54
    Nothingman54 Posts: 2,251
    yeah iv disowned my wifes mom and sister. i dont feel bad about it at all. i dont want them around my kids.
    I'll be back
  • mickeyrat
    mickeyrat Posts: 44,408
    covered in bliss wrote:
    The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

    That's dangerous.
    Yes we are supposed to love our family unconditionally, however we still have to protect ourselves.
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  • Heatherj43
    Heatherj43 Posts: 1,254
    mickeyrat wrote:
    covered in bliss wrote:
    The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

    That's dangerous.
    Yes we are supposed to love our family unconditionally, however we still have to protect ourselves.
    Who says we are suppose to? Also, if we are suppose to and don't, do we just lie about it?
    I hate that expression, "I love so and so because they are family and I have to", or "I love so and so because they are family but I don't like them". What a guilt trip!
    Save room for dessert!
  • dcfaithful
    dcfaithful Posts: 13,076
    Heatherj43 wrote:
    mickeyrat wrote:
    covered in bliss wrote:
    The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

    That's dangerous.
    Yes we are supposed to love our family unconditionally, however we still have to protect ourselves.
    Who says we are suppose to? Also, if we are suppose to and don't, do we just lie about it?
    I hate that expression, "I love so and so because they are family and I have to", or "I love so and so because they are family but I don't like them". What a guilt trip!

    I agree...jsut because your family doesn't mean you have to love someone if they are a complete, and utter asshole...I've never had anyone in my family be disowned, or have I disowned anyone...so this is hard for me to comment on. The closest I can come is my dad and sister not talkingfor some time for reasons between them. However, before my sister died her life was full of drug abuse and rehab stays. She was clean for years until she relapsed and died...but I think what it boiled down to is that she was ultimately upset with my dad who chose not to show up to his first wife's (my sister's mother) funeral after she was murdered. I can honestly say that the intensity of that aspect of my sister's life haunted her forever...and she was forever hurt by it. They had a shoe-in suspect nearly 15 years after the murder of her mother...but my sister never lived to see any closure....

    Sorry, I kind of derailed...OP, I'm sure you'll make the decision that is right for you're well-being.
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  • patrickredeyes
    patrickredeyes Posts: 8,834
    pandora wrote:

    The ''bad'' sister caused all the issues and only has herself to blame.
    She didn't even send him a birthday card. Another awful thing on her long list of awful things she has done to her family.
    I know- I know your family is not to blame- I always said my twin sisters were each born with half a brain for the senseless things they have done to others mostly my father which always really pissed me off. But maybe once labeled people do that which is expected of them- even the bad stuff. We wouldn't think so but they do. I was hoping there was away to break the cycle- bring her in- forgive so she can forgive herself maybe. This for her childs sake- your nephew- cause I'm sure he can see she is a black sheep and also his example in life. And perhaps also he is her rock because a boy will defend his Mama, hopefully this is the case because I think she needs somebody.[/quote]


    She uses her kids all the time as shields against the rest of us which is sad. What's also sad is she has in the past exploded at my other sisters kids. It's a huge mess and I have no idea where to or how to fix it or if it can be even fixed. Myself being the youngest I feel it will take myself to be the one to try and fix it. With my folks getting up there in age and both dealing with health issues. It's not gonna get any eaiser. With the holidays coming up its gonna be real fun......not really of course. It sucks I have a niece and nephew that I never get to see. :( I feel bad for my folks cause they never get to see their grandaughter and grandson. They have my other sisters kids but it shouldn't be like this. I wanna just say to her to knock this shit off cause one days its gonna be too late. Just a fucking mess. :cry:
  • pink1969
    pink1969 Posts: 245
    Wow, didn't know a thread like this existed. I haven't seen or spoken to my father for over 20 years. It's not like we ever had a relationship anyway. He never sent presents for christmas or even called for my birthday. He would show up every once in a while when I was younger and I used to think it was great, like "wow my father does love me". But then after a month or so he'd be gone again. It wasn't until I got older that I started to cut him out of my life, I just didn't want to deal with the disappointment anymore. Last time I saw him was January 1989. He's never seen my kids and he never will if I have anything to do with it. I've also found out some disturbing things about him since I've been an adult, so it's for the better I think that he wasn't a part of my life when I was younger.

    It's funny, I used to think it didn't bother me that I didn't have a "dad" but when I first heard Release back in the 90's the tears just overcame me. Just wishing for that loving relationship I see so many girls have with their fathers was something I never realized that I wanted. But for me, the thing that really sucks is that I have an entire family that I don't even know. His entire family lives in the Chicago area and I only met them once or twice back in the late 70's early 80's.

    All I can say to any of you who are on the fence about whether or not you should disown your family is to think it over carefully; weigh the good and the bad. If you really love them, try and work it out. If you let to much time go by, it just gets harder.
    Shine on all you crazy diamonds!!!!
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  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    patrickredeyes wrote:
    pandora wrote:

    The ''bad'' sister caused all the issues and only has herself to blame.
    She didn't even send him a birthday card. Another awful thing on her long list of awful things she has done to her family.
    I know- I know your family is not to blame- I always said my twin sisters were each born with half a brain for the senseless things they have done to others mostly my father which always really pissed me off. But maybe once labeled people do that which is expected of them- even the bad stuff. We wouldn't think so but they do. I was hoping there was away to break the cycle- bring her in- forgive so she can forgive herself maybe. This for her childs sake- your nephew- cause I'm sure he can see she is a black sheep and also his example in life. And perhaps also he is her rock because a boy will defend his Mama, hopefully this is the case because I think she needs somebody.


    She uses her kids all the time as shields against the rest of us which is sad. What's also sad is she has in the past exploded at my other sisters kids. It's a huge mess and I have no idea where to or how to fix it or if it can be even fixed. Myself being the youngest I feel it will take myself to be the one to try and fix it. With my folks getting up there in age and both dealing with health issues. It's not gonna get any eaiser. With the holidays coming up its gonna be real fun......not really of course. It sucks I have a niece and nephew that I never get to see. :( I feel bad for my folks cause they never get to see their grandaughter and grandson. They have my other sisters kids but it shouldn't be like this. I wanna just say to her to knock this shit off cause one days its gonna be too late. Just a fucking mess. :cry:[/quote]


    Patrick,
    With all the crap in the world you know you just want the family to be the place of shelter and peace. I'm the youngest too and it sounds like you may have to be the voice of reason. Its really hard for you to stand objectively in your sisters shoes to see how she feels and how you can help her to fix all this that she has done but thats probably what its gonna take. Its gonna take understanding and forgiveness on your part and the rest of the family and maybe that will bring the insight your sister needs to see what shes done and try to correct if not move on from past mistakes.
    My family didn't do this before my Mama passed- my sister did not see or speak to my Mom for years.I left it as is, I was too angry and regret that now. You know who suffered- my mother- leaving this world like that without uniting with her daughter. She didn't deserve that she was a good Mom- made mistakes but who doesn't.
    Your parents I'm sure would want to see their children happy, at least civil, before they leave. We will never know why there are black sheep- what causes some children to take that role in a family or if they feel forced or type casted or just never fit in and then lash out.
    I hope you can help Patrick I think the rewards can be great but she will need to come half way and embrace your efforts. She probably has alot of regrets and thats produced shame and anger.Try to feel what its like to be her even if shes done some really dumb hurtful things.
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    pink1969 wrote:
    Wow, didn't know a thread like this existed. I haven't seen or spoken to my father for over 20 years. It's not like we ever had a relationship anyway. He never sent presents for christmas or even called for my birthday. He would show up every once in a while when I was younger and I used to think it was great, like "wow my father does love me". But then after a month or so he'd be gone again. It wasn't until I got older that I started to cut him out of my life, I just didn't want to deal with the disappointment anymore. Last time I saw him was January 1989. He's never seen my kids and he never will if I have anything to do with it. I've also found out some disturbing things about him since I've been an adult, so it's for the better I think that he wasn't a part of my life when I was younger.

    It's funny, I used to think it didn't bother me that I didn't have a "dad" but when I first heard Release back in the 90's the tears just overcame me. Just wishing for that loving relationship I see so many girls have with their fathers was something I never realized that I wanted. But for me, the thing that really sucks is that I have an entire family that I don't even know. His entire family lives in the Chicago area and I only met them once or twice back in the late 70's early 80's.

    All I can say to any of you who are on the fence about whether or not you should disown your family is to think it over carefully; weigh the good and the bad. If you really love them, try and work it out. If you let to much time go by, it just gets harder.


    Thats very good advice. When I read your post I thought maybe he knew you were better off without him. Maybe he thought he'd hurt you more by being in your life.
    Perhaps its not to late to reach out to family members - maybe by mail-then email- start slow- chat-see if you have anything in common besides blood. It might be nice.
  • covered in bliss
    covered in bliss chi-caw-go Posts: 1,332
    I broke down and called my parents last week... we talked for 100+ minutes. I felt like the silly child that finally came to her senses. They welcomed me with opened arms and begged me to call my sister. I'm the one that tore the family apart and I'm the one that can bring everyone together again.

    That's a lot of power, eh?
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    covered in bliss wrote:
    I broke down and called my parents last week... we talked for 100+ minutes. I felt like the silly child that finally came to her senses. They welcomed me with opened arms and begged me to call my sister. I'm the one that tore the family apart and I'm the one that can bring everyone together again.

    That's a lot of power, eh?
    You think so? You are the blessed one ...with sense ....don't tear anything apart
  • Hammerdonkey
    Hammerdonkey Posts: 550
    Try the best you can to love your family. They'll be the ones making arrangements for you when you die and taking care of you while you die.

    Fucking jaded ass society, I know it's easy to get caught up in that shit, especially whan you have your own life and family but you need to at least try to be part of the people who care the most about you when the chips are down.

    Family should mean a lot but many people are a little to lazy to try to understand that everybody has their own problems to deal with. Eliminating certain family members should always be a last resort. If a person bothers you so much, instead of being a pussy, have a civilized talk and explain yourself so they can try to see themselves the way you see them. Do what you can to help them correct that. Family is all you have when it really comes down to it. Don't be part of the new wave thinking that you're an individual and can handle life alone. What a sad life that must be to be the guy that turned his back on his family because he didn't want to be a part of cleaning up the mess.

    Here's a little hint...all families suck. The good ones survive. The bad ones quit on each other. Be a positive influence on your loved ones. Be a leader. Live by my own personal creed which is....

    Avoid being a cunt at all costs. Nobody likes a cunt. If your family needs direction, try to give it to them. Never give money but DO give your time. It'll come back around on you as blessings in your life in a lot of ways. Plus, you'll feel like a better person.

    Food for thought by 'Donkey.
  • _Crazy_Mary_
    _Crazy_Mary_ Posts: 1,299
    I have an update on my 13 year old daughter who told me three months ago she never wants to see me again and would rather live with her dad who is a religious extremist.
    6 weeks ago I went to a parent teacher conference at her new Christian school. She was failing all her classes and had never once turned in any homework. It was the first time I'd seen her in almost two months. She was very weird. She didn't speak to me and wouldn't look at me. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. I was hopeful that maybe her failing grades would raise red flags for her teachers or dad or somebody. She still wanted nothing to do with me and in fact she and her dad started claiming I'd been sexually abusing her her entire life because I walk around the house naked. So, regretably, I kept my distance in fear that her dad might actually call the cops on me and I'd have my other children taken away.
    Well, she was taken Friday at noon into Child Protective Services because her dad, the religious extremist "dry-humped" her, holding her down for an hour. Her school called to make the report and my daughter is the one that called the police from school. Neither CPS nor her school called me to tell me what was happening. I had to hear about it Saturday afternoon from her lunatic father! And it wasn't until Monday that I heard what the report said about what he did to her.
    The whole situation is awful. But I do feel hope that my daughter may finally come back to me. And I'm so proud of her for calling the police.
    I really screwed that up. I really Schruted it.
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    Crazy Mary, maybe just to help her feel like you care about her feelings on the matter you could also refrain from walking around naked in front of her too?

    It might help her feel like you are listening to her. :geek:
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • _Crazy_Mary_
    _Crazy_Mary_ Posts: 1,299
    justam wrote:
    Crazy Mary, maybe just to help her feel like you care about her feelings on the matter you could also refrain from walking around naked in front of her too?

    It might help her feel like you are listening to her. :geek:


    oh my god, of course! And it wasn't like I was naked all the time, but sometimes from the bathroom to the closet for a towel. or from my bedroom to the bathroom to shower. And I never thought it bothered her. for god's sake, she told me about trying to insert a tampon and she wanted to show me! I didn't let her, I just said, "no, that's ok.... I don't need to see...." But now, knowing that she's been brainwashed into believing nudity is sexual abuse, I will never let her see me naked again... that is if she ever comes back home :(
    I really screwed that up. I really Schruted it.
  • covered in bliss
    covered in bliss chi-caw-go Posts: 1,332
    justam wrote:
    Crazy Mary, maybe just to help her feel like you care about her feelings on the matter you could also refrain from walking around naked in front of her too?

    It might help her feel like you are listening to her. :geek:

    You're commenting about mom walking to the linen closet naked when dad is DRY HUMPING the child for an hour?
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    I wasn't trying to be tactless although I'm sure it came out that way. :|

    I was thinking this-->

    How traumatic it must have been to have that happen and yet what if the child (at thirteen) feels like she's between a father that dry humps her and a mother that walks around oblivious to the fact that she's uncomfortable.

    It doesn't sound like Mary is like that, but I was just thinking about a kid feeling like she had NO PARENT to go to. Does that make sense?
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • _Crazy_Mary_
    _Crazy_Mary_ Posts: 1,299
    oh my god, this nightmare just keeps getting worse. today was the detention hearing where they decide placement for my daughter. She is still in foster care, though I don't believe she's been placed with a family yet. Her dad came in wearing an orange jumpsuit & shackles! It was shocking to see this. That fucker actually MOLESTED his own daughter!!! She is only 13 years old and he ruined her life. WTF kind of person does this?
    I really screwed that up. I really Schruted it.

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