On-line dating? I give up!

Ms. Haiku · October 2009

decides2dream wrote:

and i hate to say it, but i do believe it gets harder as you get older.

It's time to channel my inner-cougar. Demi Moore won't have anything on me

Lauri · October 2009

soulsinging wrote:

Lauri wrote:

I also don't think that women have such a skewed vision of their attractiveness level, or that they only want men who look like models. I think if anything, it's the other way around. Most women I know truly believe that they are not beautiful, and we don't look at looks in men the same way they look at our looks (no I'm not saying that women don't care about looks, I'm just saying, the way we care about them is different than men, and what you are describing is sort of the way men look at it).

guys go for looks, girls go for status.

I disagree. "status" is actually a big turn off to me.

Lauri · October 2009

BinFrog wrote:

I'll throw out a nod to eharmony. I'm not saying it will work for everybody, and they certainly would never claim to always work, but after a few mediocre dates after I broke up with my ex back in '06, I met my now wife through the site. Maybe it was a case of a needle in a haystack, but she is perfect for me.

Here's me taking a lead during one of the 4 songs me and my buddy played while the band (my guitar instructor's 3-piece band...who ROCKED!) took a break:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=3 ... 1148441001

All I can say is just be patient. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. I broke up with my girlfriend in '06 and took several months off from the dating scene, intentionally, before diving back in. I had some frustrating dates and dead end short-term relationships before I found my now wife. Yeah, it can suck going through the motions in the dating scene, but I think as long as you have a sense of humor about it you'll be fine. Just don't have an unrealistic notion of what your "perfect" match is, because that person doesn't exist. They may exist in time, but when you first meet them there is not a chance that is the case.

eHarmony is horrible! It costs a LOT of money, first of all, and secondly, it's only for Christians who want to get married. If you are not religious (and Christian) and aren't desperate to get married immediately, it's not for you. Also, they do not offer services for gay people, which I think is horrible, so personally, I wouldn't give them my money.

Lauri · October 2009

soulsinging wrote:

do all these sites cost money to join?

the only one I know of that is free is okcupid, which is sort of the "alternative" site I'm using now. It was started by guys at MIT, and it's a lot of more...interesting people- nerds, geeks, indie rockers, bike hipsters, etc. I like it much better than the traditional sites. Also, they don't discriminate against ANYONE. You openly put down that you are married or polygamist or whatever. Not that I would go for any of that, but I like that the site doesn't draw such black and white lines around issues such as love and sex and doesn't get involved in moral supremacy races.

decides2dream · October 2009

Ms. Haiku wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

and i hate to say it, but i do believe it gets harder as you get older.

It's time to channel my inner-cougar. Demi Moore won't have anything on me

i didn't want to get you, locked, or anyone down. it's only my perspective anyway, and wtf do i know? i've been married...forever.

seriously, just my observations. and as i said, i know LOTs of success stories...whether meeting someone online, or simply meeting in real life....people remarrying, people marrying for the first time later in life, etc, etc.

hey, my sisters are great examples.

oldest sister married at 23, divorced by 30 - 1 son. met 2nd hubby thru personal ads, remarried at 33 - 2 more sons. sadly, another divorce around 42 i think. met her current BFonline around age 45 , think he's about 7-8 years younger, they are crazy about each other and have been together since. my other sister, lots of different BFs/long-term relationships.....eventually married at 39. still married and happy.

you're AWESOME ms. haiku.

soulsinging · October 2009

Lauri wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

do all these sites cost money to join?

the only one I know of that is free is okcupid, which is sort of the "alternative" site I'm using now. It was started by guys at MIT, and it's a lot of more...interesting people- nerds, geeks, indie rockers, bike hipsters, etc. I like it much better than the traditional sites. Also, they don't discriminate against ANYONE. You openly put down that you are married or polygamist or whatever. Not that I would go for any of that, but I like that the site doesn't draw such black and white lines around issues such as love and sex and doesn't get involved in moral supremacy races.

sounds right up my alley.

soulsinging · October 2009

Lauri wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

Lauri wrote:

I also don't think that women have such a skewed vision of their attractiveness level, or that they only want men who look like models. I think if anything, it's the other way around. Most women I know truly believe that they are not beautiful, and we don't look at looks in men the same way they look at our looks (no I'm not saying that women don't care about looks, I'm just saying, the way we care about them is different than men, and what you are describing is sort of the way men look at it).

guys go for looks, girls go for status.

I disagree. "status" is actually a big turn off to me.

i dunno, i've found that all girls want a guy that they can sorta show off/brag about to their friends to make them jealous. guys want a girl their friends will go 'damn she's hot.' and girls want a guy that they can talk about him having a solid job or whatever else might make their friends a bit green with envy. i'm not saying they all want movie stars or millionaire ceo's... but he's got to be a success in some sense. if you live at home with mom and are on the career track to being the manager at taco bell... you're going to be working uphill with the women. just like girls are going to be working uphill if they're the bride of frankenstein.

there's nothing wrong with it. we may have moved past the days of women wanting a man that can provide for them, but most don't want a guy that's just looking for a new mom either. that's what i'm saying.

BinFrog · October 2009

Lauri wrote:

eHarmony is horrible! It costs a LOT of money, first of all, and secondly, it's only for Christians who want to get married. If you are not religious (and Christian) and aren't desperate to get married immediately, it's not for you. Also, they do not offer services for gay people, which I think is horrible, so personally, I wouldn't give them my money.

It cost me around $100 for 3 months.

I am not Christian

I did not go on the site just to "get married"

I am not religious (grew up Jewish, and now do not practice anything)

I was not desperate. I just wanted to get back on the dating scene.

Got any other insight...i.e. are we really going down this path again where you have to refute ANYTHING I say about relaionships?

decides2dream · October 2009

soulsinging wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

guys go for looks, girls go for status.

i dunno, i've found that all girls want a guy that they can sorta show off/brag about to their friends to make them jealous. guys want a girl their friends will go 'damn she's hot.' and girls want a guy that they can talk about him having a solid job or whatever else might make their friends a bit green with envy. i'm not saying they all want movie stars or millionaire ceo's... but he's got to be a success in some sense. if you live at home with mom and are on the career track to being the manager at taco bell... you're going to be working uphill with the women. just like girls are going to be working uphill if they're the bride of frankenstein.

there's nothing wrong with it. we may have moved past the days of women wanting a man that can provide for them, but most don't want a guy that's just looking for a new mom either. that's what i'm saying.

that's a LOT different than saying a woman wants status and a man wants looks. just sayin'.
you BEt i want a man who is a 'success', but that really has nada to do with status. and holy shit, no, mama's boys are never desired. and, yes....looks ARe important. perhaps not the most important, but they are important. i think HS/college-age boys and girls may want to brag about status or hotness, i really don't know, was never into it then....but most definitely as people get older, say mid-20s onwards, unless they are insecure, immature little assholes, idk anyone who needs/wants things like that, so simple. however, this is where you and i always 'get into it'...basically, i think you oversimplify the desires of both men and women.

Lauri · October 2009

soulsinging wrote:

i dunno, i've found that all girls want a guy that they can sorta show off/brag about to their friends to make them jealous. guys want a girl their friends will go 'damn she's hot.' and girls want a guy that they can talk about him having a solid job or whatever else might make their friends a bit green with envy. i'm not saying they all want movie stars or millionaire ceo's... but he's got to be a success in some sense. if you live at home with mom and are on the career track to being the manager at taco bell... you're going to be working uphill with the women. just like girls are going to be working uphill if they're the bride of frankenstein.

there's nothing wrong with it. we may have moved past the days of women wanting a man that can provide for them, but most don't want a guy that's just looking for a new mom either. that's what i'm saying.

well I agree that no one wants to be a mom and that no one wants someone who lives at home (past a certain age) or can't support themselves. but I don't see why that's a girl thing- I can't see a guy wanting a girl in that situation either.

I disagree about the bragging to your friends about the guy's job thing. Maybe in the 1950s when a husband's job spoke for the woman too. I have my own career, why would I care what my friends thought about my boyfriend's? I don't even think my friends could get jealous over what my boyfriend did for a living. Well maybe they would be jealous ofhim if he had a great job, but not of me. I'd just be dating the guy with the awesome job, not the person actually doing it.

Maybe I just live in a bubble, but I think that any girl (again not woman) who thinks this way would have to be severely insecure and/or dependent on other people.

Lauri · October 2009

BinFrog wrote:

Lauri wrote:

eHarmony is horrible! It costs a LOT of money, first of all, and secondly, it's only for Christians who want to get married. If you are not religious (and Christian) and aren't desperate to get married immediately, it's not for you. Also, they do not offer services for gay people, which I think is horrible, so personally, I wouldn't give them my money.

It cost me around $100 for 3 months.

I am not Christian

I did not go on the site just to "get married"

I am not religious (grew up Jewish, and now do not practice anything)

I was not desperate. I just wanted to get back on the dating scene.

Got any other insight...i.e. are we really going down this path again where you have to refute ANYTHING I say about relaionships?

haha I didn't even realize you were the one who posted that!

I'm actually quite surprised that you used eHarmony! I took the questionnaire a few years ago when some of my friends started using it, and was really offended by the whole thing. It was also like $50/month at the time!

Oh and in terms of using it just to "get married" - maybe you didn't feel that way, for sure. But doesn't the company itself advertise itself as filling that role now? They always stress how it's the site for people who are looking for "serious" relationships and stuff like that.

BinFrog · October 2009

Lauri wrote:

BinFrog wrote:

Lauri wrote:

eHarmony is horrible! It costs a LOT of money, first of all, and secondly, it's only for Christians who want to get married. If you are not religious (and Christian) and aren't desperate to get married immediately, it's not for you. Also, they do not offer services for gay people, which I think is horrible, so personally, I wouldn't give them my money.

It cost me around $100 for 3 months.

I am not Christian

I did not go on the site just to "get married"

I am not religious (grew up Jewish, and now do not practice anything)

I was not desperate. I just wanted to get back on the dating scene.

Got any other insight...i.e. are we really going down this path again where you have to refute ANYTHING I say about relaionships?

haha I didn't even realize you were the one who posted that!

I'm actually quite surprised that you used eHarmony! I took the questionnaire a few years ago when some of my friends started using it, and was really offended by the whole thing. It was also like $50/month at the time!

Oh and in terms of using it just to "get married" - maybe you didn't feel that way, for sure. But doesn't the company itself advertise itself as filling that role now? They always stress how it's the site for people who are looking for "serious" relationships and stuff like that.

Well, I certainly didn't join with the end goal of getting married as the prime motivation. I went on it to date, and potentially lead to something more. If you go into ANY dating scenario with a wedding in mind, you will come across as desperate and you are doomed. They advertise themselves as trying to help you find the right one. Of course they will try and flaunt their success stories...who wouldn't?

The questionnaire actually put me more at ease. They didn't just ask my favorite sports team & color then and send me to the wolves.

Steve Dunne · October 2009

Kenny Olav wrote:

dude, don't give up.

I met one long-term girlfriend here on the pit actually. and i just met another girl online chatting about music and we had one date and it went great. you can meet girls at bars or wherever and they'll be just as shallow or whatever. just keep at it. i know it sucks looking, believe me.

...as long as you don't hurl on them kenny...

Lauri · October 2009

BinFrog wrote:

Lauri wrote:

BinFrog wrote:

The questionnaire actually put me more at ease. They didn't just ask my favorite sports team & color then and send me to the wolves.

I actually kinda like being sent to the wolves- it's fun. You get the best stories. Recently a 19 year old wrote me asked me to be his "cougar" (well he spelled it "couger"). His email was so unbelievably hilarious. The story kills at every party.

soulsinging · October 2009

decides2dream wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

guys go for looks, girls go for status.

i dunno, i've found that all girls want a guy that they can sorta show off/brag about to their friends to make them jealous. guys want a girl their friends will go 'damn she's hot.' and girls want a guy that they can talk about him having a solid job or whatever else might make their friends a bit green with envy. i'm not saying they all want movie stars or millionaire ceo's... but he's got to be a success in some sense. if you live at home with mom and are on the career track to being the manager at taco bell... you're going to be working uphill with the women. just like girls are going to be working uphill if they're the bride of frankenstein.

there's nothing wrong with it. we may have moved past the days of women wanting a man that can provide for them, but most don't want a guy that's just looking for a new mom either. that's what i'm saying.

that's a LOT different than saying a woman wants status and a man wants looks. just sayin'.
you BEt i want a man who is a 'success', but that really has nada to do with status. and holy shit, no, mama's boys are never desired. and, yes....looks ARe important. perhaps not the most important, but they are important. i think HS/college-age boys and girls may want to brag about status or hotness, i really don't know, was never into it then....but most definitely as people get older, say mid-20s onwards, unless they are insecure, immature little assholes, idk anyone who needs/wants things like that, so simple. however, this is where you and i always 'get into it'...basically, i think you oversimplify the desires of both men and women.

it's from a song

http://www.lyricstime.com/the-hold-stea ... yrics.html

soulsinging · October 2009

Lauri wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

i dunno, i've found that all girls want a guy that they can sorta show off/brag about to their friends to make them jealous. guys want a girl their friends will go 'damn she's hot.' and girls want a guy that they can talk about him having a solid job or whatever else might make their friends a bit green with envy. i'm not saying they all want movie stars or millionaire ceo's... but he's got to be a success in some sense. if you live at home with mom and are on the career track to being the manager at taco bell... you're going to be working uphill with the women. just like girls are going to be working uphill if they're the bride of frankenstein.

there's nothing wrong with it. we may have moved past the days of women wanting a man that can provide for them, but most don't want a guy that's just looking for a new mom either. that's what i'm saying.

well I agree that no one wants to be a mom and that no one wants someone who lives at home (past a certain age) or can't support themselves. but I don't see why that's a girl thing- I can't see a guy wanting a girl in that situation either.

I disagree about the bragging to your friends about the guy's job thing. Maybe in the 1950s when a husband's job spoke for the woman too. I have my own career, why would I care what my friends thought about my boyfriend's? I don't even think my friends could get jealous over what my boyfriend did for a living. Well maybe they would be jealous ofhim if he had a great job, but not of me. I'd just be dating the guy with the awesome job, not the person actually doing it.

Maybe I just live in a bubble, but I think that any girl (again not woman) who thinks this way would have to be severely insecure and/or dependent on other people.

i think of it as a hollywood thing. it's drilled into us from when we're young. guys want the pin up. girls want the whirlwind romance that has their friends going 'ooooh... that sounds SO perfect.' sure, it's not 100%, nothing is. but we're all shaped by the culture we grow up in and as a rule of thumb, i think it has an impact in terms of what we think we want. and i think a lot of people have a tough time shaking those influences so it's not terribly uncommon to run into people like this, even if they're not even conscious of it. it's why girls that would never let a trekkie get away with cheating will give a guy in a band multiple chances, and why nice guys will stick with girls that treat them like shit if they're hot enough. we all know probably more than a few people like this. doesn't make them bad people, just interesting social dynamics.

what is it around here these days? i'm part of the problem, but this is like thread number 50 about love and lust this week... fall must have the perhomones flying, hehe.

decides2dream · October 2009

the holidays are coming.....gets everyone thinking about love/lust..... :twisted:

Ms. Haiku · October 2009

I definitely feel rejuvenated in the autumn. Not enough for another try at online dating . . . but it definitely increases the ability for fun/joy/humor even when my coffee is too bitter. Damn you cheapo coffee machines, damn you!

Thorns2010 · October 2009

My problem in dating is that I'm too honest. I know that sounds strange to say, but its true. And maybe its not that I'm too honest, but that I think out loud, and I put my thoughts and feelings out there, and you can take it or leave it. Most people end up leaving it!

I tried eHarmony once, and it denied me!

Lauri · October 2009

soulsinging wrote:

i think of it as a hollywood thing. it's drilled into us from when we're young. guys want the pin up. girls want the whirlwind romance that has their friends going 'ooooh... that sounds SO perfect.' sure, it's not 100%, nothing is. but we're all shaped by the culture we grow up in and as a rule of thumb, i think it has an impact in terms of what we think we want. and i think a lot of people have a tough time shaking those influences so it's not terribly uncommon to run into people like this, even if they're not even conscious of it. it's why girls that would never let a trekkie get away with cheating will give a guy in a band multiple chances, and why nice guys will stick with girls that treat them like shit if they're hot enough. we all know probably more than a few people like this. doesn't make them bad people, just interesting social dynamics.

what is it around here these days? i'm part of the problem, but this is like thread number 50 about love and lust this week... fall must have the perhomones flying, hehe.

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here. "'it's why girls that would never let a trekkie get away with cheating will give a guy in a band multiple chances, and why nice guys will stick with girls that treat them like shit if they're hot enough" etc. In my experience, dating doesn't play itself out as stereotypes. Rarely is anything so black-and-white. I actually have never even heard of the stereotype that a girl would let one "type" of guy get away with cheating while not another.

"but we're all shaped by the culture we grow up in and as a rule of thumb, i think it has an impact in terms of what we think we want." This is true, however, mature people will tend grow out of this and realize it is not accurate. This is why I said that locked should look for "women" rather than "girls" in his dating endeavors. This is not a question of age, but rather of personality, and dare I say, even intelligence.

On-line dating? I give up!

Comments

Categories