What's interesting is what a society thinks a person feels internally versus what society thinks a person feels externally given what was just written.
For instance, it's been suggested to me by people on this board, that because I'm a single woman in my 40s I have very little to offer society, and I'm of little value. Also, it's been suggested to me by society at large, whatever, that men, no matter what age, are always of value.
Considering what was just written previously, it sounds like men in their 30s are experiencing a form of biological clock in their 30s - like they are on a sinking ship, and have to marry, whereas women in their 30s who may delay marriage, think of marriage as an option. Did I understand this correctly?
There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
What's interesting is what a society thinks a person feels internally versus what society thinks a person feels externally given what was just written.
For instance, it's been suggested to me by people on this board, that because I'm a single woman in my 40s I have very little to offer society, and I'm of little value. Also, it's been suggested to me by society at large, whatever, that men, no matter what age, are always of value.
Considering what was just written previously, it sounds like men in their 30s are experiencing a form of biological clock in their 30s - like they are on a sinking ship, and have to marry, whereas women in their 30s who may delay marriage, think of marriage as an option. Did I understand this correctly?
Kind of. I think men have more to gain from marriage than women nowadays and women have more to lose. It used to be the other way around because women couldn't work and they needed someone to support them. Now that that's not true, I think the tables have turned. Women share with their girl friends, they can lean on them in times of trouble and talk things out and get advice. Men don't relate to their friends the same way. Talking is not as comfortable and while it's done, men just don't seem to have the kind of support network a lot of women do. Our response to a friend's angst or heartbreak usually involved beer and bars and tv and just venting, less in the way of emotional support. So they kind of need marriage, because it grants them that support they struggle to get elsewhere but that women already have in place to an extent. It's no coincidence that married men live longer and I think that's part of it. So guys hit 30 and start seeing friends marry (and thus spend less time with them) and worry about getting left in the dirt. Not that this doesn't happen to women, I just think the reasons are different. You see it in the way guys spend far less time with their friends and far more with their gf's friends once they start getting serious.
but i think you're way off on meeting guys. a cute girl can go to a bar and have no problem meeting guys or being approached by them. maybe they're not exactly serious dating/marriage material, but you meet more people that way. it's still the social norm that guys are expected to ask girls out. a guy can go to a bar or social event and if he's lucky, get one phone number after chatting to one girl for an hour or two. a girl can, in the same situation, be approached by a couple guys and get all their numbers and decide who she wants. thus why i say young professional women don't need to marry... they can have a lot of fun just dating guys and seeing who works out. i think guys are more eager to lock a girl down by that age, knowing it's hard work even getting a date and the good ones will go quick.
oh if only it were that easy. if it were I wouldn't be in this online dating situation! I went to bars all through my 20s and rarely got "approached" and I think I'm pretty attractive. This is a misconception about women I've gotten on some other sites too. One guy on my online dating site said I must get approached by guys all the time, and I said no, I can count the amount of times I have on less than one hand. He then accused me of falsifying my photos on the dating site! He claimed that all girls get approached everywhere unless they are ugly or fat and called me a lying bitch! I think that whole situation might go with demographics too. I've never been into the townie-type pick-up type bars, I've always gone to more of the local hang out spots where people are just relaxing with their friends. There's not much interaction with others and/or "picking up" going on (it would be nice if there were, don't get me wrong). The few times I went to the...um...slightly cheesier bars (sorry) when I was in my early 20s, I definitely did notice that the point was sort of pick ups and my friends and I got more attention (although most of it was on the unwanted side). And I've noticed that my male friends and exes and whatnot are not the types of guys that would try to meet girls out like that. They've all met their girlfriends and wives through work or school or something along those lines (or online dating!). From the few times I've been approached, I've noticed there's a certain "type" of guy who tends to approach me. It could be just me, don't get me wrong. By "type" I mean they seem a little unsure of themselves and overcompensate by trying to impress (talking about their cars, houses, jobs, etc) and/or they seem like they're just hitting on every girl in the bar until one sticks. I can't really see most of the men I socialize with in that sort of situation. I would love to go out and meet more men on a regular basis (unfortunately, the older you get the more of your friends get married and become recluses, the less you go out yourself) but what I would like is to go out and just socialize with members of my community in general, and hopefully meet some nice guys in the process, rather than explicitly getting hit on by the guys who are only out to hit on girls. This happens in rare instances, but I think it's far too rare. American culture is weird like that. The few times I've been to various places in Europe I've noticed it much easier to just be sitting at the bar and chatting with those around you. If you talk to an attractive guy it's not this whole big deal/zero sum game that goes on around here. For a culture that places so much emphasis on couplehood, we are really weird about how we go about it. That's why online dating is so popular!
What's interesting is what a society thinks a person feels internally versus what society thinks a person feels externally given what was just written.
For instance, it's been suggested to me by people on this board, that because I'm a single woman in my 40s I have very little to offer society, and I'm of little value. Also, it's been suggested to me by society at large, whatever, that men, no matter what age, are always of value.
Considering what was just written previously, it sounds like men in their 30s are experiencing a form of biological clock in their 30s - like they are on a sinking ship, and have to marry, whereas women in their 30s who may delay marriage, think of marriage as an option. Did I understand this correctly?
Kind of. I think men have more to gain from marriage than women nowadays and women have more to lose. It used to be the other way around because women couldn't work and they needed someone to support them. Now that that's not true, I think the tables have turned. Women share with their girl friends, they can lean on them in times of trouble and talk things out and get advice. Men don't relate to their friends the same way. Talking is not as comfortable and while it's done, men just don't seem to have the kind of support network a lot of women do. Our response to a friend's angst or heartbreak usually involved beer and bars and tv and just venting, less in the way of emotional support. So they kind of need marriage, because it grants them that support they struggle to get elsewhere but that women already have in place to an extent. It's no coincidence that married men live longer and I think that's part of it. So guys hit 30 and start seeing friends marry (and thus spend less time with them) and worry about getting left in the dirt. Not that this doesn't happen to women, I just think the reasons are different. You see it in the way guys spend far less time with their friends and far more with their gf's friends once they start getting serious.
that is a really interesting take on the emotional needs of men. I never thought about it that way. It is true also, that most of the research and work that has been done on singles has focused on single women, and though it is still somewhat culturally unacceptable for women to be single over 30, there is more attention drawn to it and therefore there's been more of an individual acceptance at least.
Stoners are usually attracted to me. I don't know why that is . . .
There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
oh if only it were that easy. if it were I wouldn't be in this online dating situation! I went to bars all through my 20s and rarely got "approached" and I think I'm pretty attractive. This is a misconception about women I've gotten on some other sites too. One guy on my online dating site said I must get approached by guys all the time, and I said no, I can count the amount of times I have on less than one hand. He then accused me of falsifying my photos on the dating site! He claimed that all girls get approached everywhere unless they are ugly or fat and called me a lying bitch! I think that whole situation might go with demographics too. I've never been into the townie-type pick-up type bars, I've always gone to more of the local hang out spots where people are just relaxing with their friends. There's not much interaction with others and/or "picking up" going on (it would be nice if there were, don't get me wrong). The few times I went to the...um...slightly cheesier bars (sorry) when I was in my early 20s, I definitely did notice that the point was sort of pick ups and my friends and I got more attention (although most of it was on the unwanted side). And I've noticed that my male friends and exes and whatnot are not the types of guys that would try to meet girls out like that. They've all met their girlfriends and wives through work or school or something along those lines (or online dating!). From the few times I've been approached, I've noticed there's a certain "type" of guy who tends to approach me. It could be just me, don't get me wrong. By "type" I mean they seem a little unsure of themselves and overcompensate by trying to impress (talking about their cars, houses, jobs, etc) and/or they seem like they're just hitting on every girl in the bar until one sticks. I can't really see most of the men I socialize with in that sort of situation. I would love to go out and meet more men on a regular basis (unfortunately, the older you get the more of your friends get married and become recluses, the less you go out yourself) but what I would like is to go out and just socialize with members of my community in general, and hopefully meet some nice guys in the process, rather than explicitly getting hit on by the guys who are only out to hit on girls. This happens in rare instances, but I think it's far too rare. American culture is weird like that. The few times I've been to various places in Europe I've noticed it much easier to just be sitting at the bar and chatting with those around you. If you talk to an attractive guy it's not this whole big deal/zero sum game that goes on around here. For a culture that places so much emphasis on couplehood, we are really weird about how we go about it. That's why online dating is so popular!
i suppose that's true, it definitely matters what you're looking for. i don't know any serious couples that say they met in a bar. and it does kinda seem like everyone i know met their s.o through either a job or school. kinda tough to meet new people outside your workplace once you leave school. you don't see many new faces in situations where it's easy to talk to them anymore.
you make a good point about europe vs the us, which i've noticed before. i think it's cos our culture is kinda puritanical. we put marriage on this huge hallowed pedestal (see gay marriage debate) and simultaneously act like sex is bad (see janet jackson's boob freakout). so there's kind of a stigma that if you're just dating for fun, you're not a serious person... you're a player or a tease or a slut. that puts a lot of pressure on meeting or talking to someone, because we also have the social norm that you mind your own business and not talk to strangers. so if you do, like you said, it's so all-or-none... there's a vibe that you're either intensely interested in this person, trying to get laid, or a socially awkward weirdo
you make a good point about europe vs the us, which i've noticed before. i think it's cos our culture is kinda puritanical. we put marriage on this huge hallowed pedestal (see gay marriage debate) and simultaneously act like sex is bad (see janet jackson's boob freakout). so there's kind of a stigma that if you're just dating for fun, you're not a serious person... you're a player or a tease or a slut. that puts a lot of pressure on meeting or talking to someone, because we also have the social norm that you mind your own business and not talk to strangers. so if you do, like you said, it's so all-or-none... there's a vibe that you're either intensely interested in this person, trying to get laid, or a socially awkward weirdo
yes, and there's also the level of importance we place on the acceptance from these people we might talk to as well. we also have way too much social ranking when it comes to talking to members of the opposite sex. People are afraid to talk to each other because they think the other person is not on the same level. So people worry that they don't have the "right" to talk to certain people just because they feel like they are too good looking or have some other feature that is unapproachable. On top of that, we place sooo much emphasis on what will happen if we dare talk to someone, if we get rejected, rather than think the person who "rejected" us is just an unfriendly weirdo, we place all this value on it like it defines who we are and our place in the pecking order.
the american marriage paradox seem to be addressed in a lot of recent writings and studies. I read somewhere that no other country in the world puts as much weight on it in all areas of life: other western countries don't have all the legal benefits or marriage nor the cultural and religious implications we have; other non western cultures have the legal, cultural, and religious emphasis, but they don't expect all the lovey-dovey magical romance that we associate with it. And not only do we have the paradox you mention (marriage yay! sex boo!) we also have the paradox that we think marriage is an elite club that deserves privilages, but also that everyone should do it and there's something wrong with people who don't.
Stoners are usually attracted to me. I don't know why that is . . .
you say that like it's a bad thing
"...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
oh if only it were that easy. if it were I wouldn't be in this online dating situation! I went to bars all through my 20s and rarely got "approached" and I think I'm pretty attractive. This is a misconception about women I've gotten on some other sites too. One guy on my online dating site said I must get approached by guys all the time, and I said no, I can count the amount of times I have on less than one hand. He then accused me of falsifying my photos on the dating site! He claimed that all girls get approached everywhere unless they are ugly or fat and called me a lying bitch! I think that whole situation might go with demographics too. I've never been into the townie-type pick-up type bars, I've always gone to more of the local hang out spots where people are just relaxing with their friends. There's not much interaction with others and/or "picking up" going on (it would be nice if there were, don't get me wrong). The few times I went to the...um...slightly cheesier bars (sorry) when I was in my early 20s, I definitely did notice that the point was sort of pick ups and my friends and I got more attention (although most of it was on the unwanted side). And I've noticed that my male friends and exes and whatnot are not the types of guys that would try to meet girls out like that. They've all met their girlfriends and wives through work or school or something along those lines (or online dating!). From the few times I've been approached, I've noticed there's a certain "type" of guy who tends to approach me. It could be just me, don't get me wrong. By "type" I mean they seem a little unsure of themselves and overcompensate by trying to impress (talking about their cars, houses, jobs, etc) and/or they seem like they're just hitting on every girl in the bar until one sticks. I can't really see most of the men I socialize with in that sort of situation. I would love to go out and meet more men on a regular basis (unfortunately, the older you get the more of your friends get married and become recluses, the less you go out yourself) but what I would like is to go out and just socialize with members of my community in general, and hopefully meet some nice guys in the process, rather than explicitly getting hit on by the guys who are only out to hit on girls. This happens in rare instances, but I think it's far too rare. American culture is weird like that. The few times I've been to various places in Europe I've noticed it much easier to just be sitting at the bar and chatting with those around you. If you talk to an attractive guy it's not this whole big deal/zero sum game that goes on around here. For a culture that places so much emphasis on couplehood, we are really weird about how we go about it. That's why online dating is so popular!
i suppose that's true, it definitely matters what you're looking for. i don't know any serious couples that say they met in a bar. and it does kinda seem like everyone i know met their s.o through either a job or school. kinda tough to meet new people outside your workplace once you leave school. you don't see many new faces in situations where it's easy to talk to them anymore.
you make a good point about europe vs the us, which i've noticed before. i think it's cos our culture is kinda puritanical. we put marriage on this huge hallowed pedestal (see gay marriage debate) and simultaneously act like sex is bad (see janet jackson's boob freakout). so there's kind of a stigma that if you're just dating for fun, you're not a serious person... you're a player or a tease or a slut. that puts a lot of pressure on meeting or talking to someone, because we also have the social norm that you mind your own business and not talk to strangers. so if you do, like you said, it's so all-or-none... there's a vibe that you're either intensely interested in this person, trying to get laid, or a socially awkward weirdo
add into that the absolute derth of single hetero males in the workplace. seriously, in my group alone of over 100.....there is one single hetero guy in his 30s. one. single. guy. and our workplace is pretty evenly split, male to female, or actually skewing more male....and there is a healthy mix of all age groups, but you bet......young are single....over 30, married...or if not married, single women who either never married or are divorced. one single male. and this is in NYC too mind you. so there is definitely a LOT of validity to lauri's theory. i see it both personally and professionally.
as to the 'women always get hit on'....i also have to agree with lauri, that is simply a falsehood. even for very attractive females. a lot of men are intimidated by extremely attractive females, thus don't approach...and even amongst the merely quite good-looking women, especially over say age 30 (yes, i am generalizing) it seems that even if a woman appears on her own, that many may mistakenly believe due to age that she 'must' be taken already. and also add in, generally, men skew towards younger women, so unless a lot of older single guys present, or the few adventurous younger males present.....it does indeed appear more difficult for women over 35 to even find suitable guys around. i know they do exist ...but it is not this bountiful cornicopia one might imagine...;)
add into that the absolute derth of single hetero males in the workplace. seriously, in my group alone of over 100.....there is one single hetero guy in his 30s. one. single. guy. and our workplace is pretty evenly split, male to female, or actually skewing more male....and there is a healthy mix of all age groups, but you bet......young are single....over 30, married...or if not married, single women who either never married or are divorced. one single male. and this is in NYC too mind you. so there is definitely a LOT of validity to lauri's theory. i see it both personally and professionally.
as to the 'women always get hit on'....i also have to agree with lauri, that is simply a falsehood. even for very attractive females. a lot of men are intimidated by extremely attractive females, thus don't approach...and even amongst the merely quite good-looking women, especially over say age 30 (yes, i am generalizing) it seems that even if a woman appears on her own, that many may mistakenly believe due to age that she 'must' be taken already. and also add in, generally, men skew towards younger women, so unless a lot of older single guys present, or the few adventurous younger males present.....it does indeed appear more difficult for women over 35 to even find suitable guys around. i know they do exist ...but it is not this bountiful cornicopia one might imagine...;)
To back SS up on that last paragraph, whether or not that is the case in reality with women, that is definitely how most men see it - which also lends support to what you're saying here - if a guy sees a woman and his viewpoint is (accurately, imo) as SS puts it, then most often they won't approach said woman.
And to your first argument, there's an episode of Futurama (death by snoo snoo!) that that paragraph reminded me of, and as the likelihood of being a single early 30-something grows, I say.."woo hoo!"
add into that the absolute derth of single hetero males in the workplace. seriously, in my group alone of over 100.....there is one single hetero guy in his 30s. one. single. guy. and our workplace is pretty evenly split, male to female, or actually skewing more male....and there is a healthy mix of all age groups, but you bet......young are single....over 30, married...or if not married, single women who either never married or are divorced. one single male. and this is in NYC too mind you. so there is definitely a LOT of validity to lauri's theory. i see it both personally and professionally.
as to the 'women always get hit on'....i also have to agree with lauri, that is simply a falsehood. even for very attractive females. a lot of men are intimidated by extremely attractive females, thus don't approach...and even amongst the merely quite good-looking women, especially over say age 30 (yes, i am generalizing) it seems that even if a woman appears on her own, that many may mistakenly believe due to age that she 'must' be taken already. and also add in, generally, men skew towards younger women, so unless a lot of older single guys present, or the few adventurous younger males present.....it does indeed appear more difficult for women over 35 to even find suitable guys around. i know they do exist ...but it is not this bountiful cornicopia one might imagine...;)
To back SS up on that last paragraph, whether or not that is the case in reality with women, that is definitely how most men see it - which also lends support to what you're saying here - if a guy sees a woman and his viewpoint is (accurately, imo) as SS puts it, then most often they won't approach said woman.
And to your first argument, there's an episode of Futurama (death by snoo snoo!) that that paragraph reminded me of, and as the likelihood of being a single early 30-something grows, I say.."woo hoo!"
i know that's how most men SEE it....and i am speaking to reality.
and yes, there is a silver lining in there...for some, anyway.
also, it is NOT to diminish the opportunities for ALL, just again, some 'reality' in it...or at least of what i have personally observed, and yes, not as a single female...but a student of interest in all human interactions :P...and just observations of friends, family....and said humanity on the whole...what i can see in the human fishbowl of which is NYC and it's environs.
and hey, i am a woman of a 'certain age'...so i can definitely identify with the perceptions out there. as to all those singles looking for love, lust, a bit of fun, whatever....i say.....ENJOY and good luck!
oh and i realize, i lied. there are 2 single males over 30. there is the one guy in his 30s, never married...and then there is a 45-50 year old guy, divorced. that's it tho.
as to the 'women always get hit on'....i also have to agree with lauri, that is simply a falsehood. even for very attractive females. a lot of men are intimidated by extremely attractive females, thus don't approach...and even amongst the merely quite good-looking women, especially over say age 30 (yes, i am generalizing) it seems that even if a woman appears on her own, that many may mistakenly believe due to age that she 'must' be taken already. and also add in, generally, men skew towards younger women, so unless a lot of older single guys present, or the few adventurous younger males present.....it does indeed appear more difficult for women over 35 to even find suitable guys around. i know they do exist ...but it is not this bountiful cornicopia one might imagine...;)
ha, the "must be taken already" thing. I have experienced this first hand, but I was much younger...about 25 or 26...this one quite persistent guy who claimed to be 34, but I think he was closer to 44, that I met in an airport kept pestering me to go out with him so I finally agreed. When we went out, he told me that I looked like a girl who "already had a boyfriend" so he wasn't sure whether to talk to me or not (unfortunately, I guess he went against his gut). Now first of all, that's basically saying that the only reason you would want to talk to a stranger is to pick them up, and secondly, how does one "look like" they have a boyfriend??? I asked him what he meant by that (of course) and he said I looked confident and independent. Well that's insulting, only women with boyfriends look confident? And if I seemed independent...wouldn't that suggest the opposite?
Oh and in terms of workplace opportunities...There's about 25-30 people in my company...the only single people are me and a 22 year-old woman (two other women aren't married but are in "serious" relationships, and all the men are married).
So i recieve this leaflet with my film rentals for this eHarmony dating site thing about taking a free personality test thing. I've never bothered with anything remotley like this but i thought i might learn something about myself.
So i log on and take the personality test thing, takes about 30 mins going through all different aspects of your personality traits, characteristics & like / dislikes and after half an hour when i finish the test this is what came up
'eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match '
Story of my life
Shit these people would rather turn away business then give it a go - good sign that.
Shit these people would rather turn away business then give it a go - good sign that.
I don't know if that's a good sign...they seem to be trying to cleanse the population of "undesirables"...I wonder what it is about people that makes them get rejected from eHarmony.
Shit these people would rather turn away business then give it a go - good sign that.
I don't know if that's a good sign...they seem to be trying to cleanse the population of "undesirables"...I wonder what it is about people that makes them get rejected from eHarmony.
Dunno, it did say tho it happens to 1 in 5 people who take the test. I guess maybe the answers were to conflicting maybe? Which is funny because i always thought of myself as a walking contradiction
right on sister. I've seen all of these as well. Though the Sir Lancelot/Queen schitck is fairly hilarious. I keep getting guys who want to know if I want to "live the good life" with them. What does that mean????
id be extremely weary of any man who used lancelot as a model for anything.
believe me....his email was deleted without a response.
and I don't know what they mean by the good life. I think SOME believe if they spend money on you, showing you they can take care of you (a good life!), you will in turn, take care of them by being the new version of their ex-wife who used to cook and clean for him before she got sick of it.
believe it or not, we don't "need" anything. that is only the spoiled brat in us trying to fill some temporary solution to an emptyness that does not exist.
I have eaten so much gold I crapped excellence - drtyfrnk29
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all!
I just remembered this list I wrote on Facebook a little over a year ago when I was trying out match.com for the first time in about 3 years. I thought it would be funny for this thread:
Top 10 Match.com profile deal breakers
10. Shirtless photos
9. Uses the word "lady"
8. Screen name contains any variation on "Red Sox Fan."
7. Wants a girl that "takes care of herself." You don't want a girl who takes care of herself, you want someone skinny, there's a difference, so why don't you just say so?
6. Is 30 years old but is seeking women age 18-25.
5. Every photo contains a polo shirt and khakis- you can't be playing golf or working at Best Buy ALL the time.
4. First line of intro is something like "I never thought I'd try something like match.com."
3. Talks about "snuggling."
2. Loves life, is living the good life, or lives life to the fullest.
1. Enjoys both going out on the town or, shocker, spending a quiet night at home.
right on sister. I've seen all of these as well. Though the Sir Lancelot/Queen schitck is fairly hilarious. I keep getting guys who want to know if I want to "live the good life" with them. What does that mean????
id be extremely weary of any man who used lancelot as a model for anything.
believe me....his email was deleted without a response.
and I don't know what they mean by the good life. I think SOME believe if they spend money on you, showing you they can take care of you (a good life!), you will in turn, take care of them by being the new version of their ex-wife who used to cook and clean for him before she got sick of it.
a lot can be said with a well timed squishee imo.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I just remembered this list I wrote on Facebook a little over a year ago when I was trying out match.com for the first time in about 3 years. I thought it would be funny for this thread:
Top 10 Match.com profile deal breakers
10. Shirtless photos
9. Uses the word "lady"
8. Screen name contains any variation on "Red Sox Fan."
7. Wants a girl that "takes care of herself." You don't want a girl who takes care of herself, you want someone skinny, there's a difference, so why don't you just say so?
6. Is 30 years old but is seeking women age 18-25.
5. Every photo contains a polo shirt and khakis- you can't be playing golf or working at Best Buy ALL the time.
4. First line of intro is something like "I never thought I'd try something like match.com."
3. Talks about "snuggling."
2. Loves life, is living the good life, or lives life to the fullest.
1. Enjoys both going out on the town or, shocker, spending a quiet night at home.
LMAO..
on the female side I had these turn-offs:
1) she is equally comfortable in a black dress or a pair of jeans (what is this.. a perfume commercial?)
2) Woman who profess to be RED SOX GIRL.... Yah... No, me thinks not..
3) Has a list of things her ideal man IS and ISNT.. (This is a passive aggressive form of nagging online IMO)
4) Goes on and on about how she is inudated with all the winks that she can't possibly respond to... Geez.."HOUSTON The EGO HAS LANDED!"
5) Has pics with her surronded by other women (mostly hot)... Is this a "Where's Waldo" test.. who exactly is the girl in this profile?
6) Women who look kinda like men in their photos.. There I said it...I could show you some that have adam's apples the size of manhattan...
"This here's a REQUEST!"
EV intro to Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns
10/25/13 Hartford
I just remembered this list I wrote on Facebook a little over a year ago when I was trying out match.com for the first time in about 3 years. I thought it would be funny for this thread:
Top 10 Match.com profile deal breakers
10. Shirtless photos
9. Uses the word "lady"
8. Screen name contains any variation on "Red Sox Fan."
7. Wants a girl that "takes care of herself." You don't want a girl who takes care of herself, you want someone skinny, there's a difference, so why don't you just say so?
6. Is 30 years old but is seeking women age 18-25.
5. Every photo contains a polo shirt and khakis- you can't be playing golf or working at Best Buy ALL the time.
4. First line of intro is something like "I never thought I'd try something like match.com."
3. Talks about "snuggling."
2. Loves life, is living the good life, or lives life to the fullest.
1. Enjoys both going out on the town or, shocker, spending a quiet night at home.
LMAO..
on the female side I had these turn-offs:
1) she is equally comfortable in a black dress or a pair of jeans (what is this.. a perfume commercial?)
2) Woman who profess to be RED SOX GIRL.... Yah... No, me thinks not..
3) Has a list of things her ideal man IS and ISNT.. (This is a passive aggressive form of nagging online IMO)
4) Goes on and on about how she is inudated with all the winks that she can't possibly respond to... Geez.."HOUSTON The EGO HAS LANDED!"
5) Has pics with her surronded by other women (mostly hot)... Is this a "Where's Waldo" test.. who exactly is the girl in this profile?
6) Women who look kinda like men in their photos.. There I said it...I could show you some that have adam's apples the size of manhattan...
For me, #2 would be any variation of screen name that incorporates the word 'princess'. You are not a contestant on The Bachelor. Deal with it.
Also, anyone who lists shopping as an interest gets red flagged instantly....
And...I'm wary of anyone that goes on and on about 'if you're a player, liar or cheat, don't bother - I'm not looking for one night stands, so if that's you blah blah blah.....'.....do these women really think a guy that is willing to lie and cheat for sex is going to read that and go 'DAMNIT, I thought she'd be down...oh, and she's not looking for players, this just isn't gonna work out'....?? Those statements have 'issues' written all over them...if she's already bitching and THAT suspicious, can you imagine a relationship with her!?
For me, #2 would be any variation of screen name that incorporates the word 'princess'. You are not a contestant on The Bachelor. Deal with it.
Also, anyone who lists shopping as an interest gets red flagged instantly....
And...I'm wary of anyone that goes on and on about 'if you're a player, liar or cheat, don't bother - I'm not looking for one night stands, so if that's you blah blah blah.....'.....do these women really think a guy that is willing to lie and cheat for sex is going to read that and go 'DAMNIT, I thought she'd be down...oh, and she's not looking for players, this just isn't gonna work out'....?? Those statements have 'issues' written all over them...if she's already bitching and THAT suspicious, can you imagine a relationship with her!?
I think in general anyone who makes demands about who you should or shouldn't be to contact them is out. If a guy who possesses characteristics I am not looking for emails me, I just don't write back. It's not up to me preemptively rule out certain people. That to me is just really negative. Write what you ARE looking for, but don't write what you're NOT looking for. We all have things are turn on and turn offs but making demands in your profile is just...ugh. A lot of people make physical demands which is ridiculous. Like "sorry but if you are overweight don't write to me." I'm sorry but putting that in your profile just makes you come off as a shallow jerk, and it does no good. Is it really THAT much skin off your back if someone who doesn't meet your physical standards dares to write to you? Like you are so turned off by everyone who does not meet what your personal standard happens to be that you can't even stand to have them turn up in your inbox. Everyone has the right to write to whomever they want to and then it's up to the recipient to determine if they want to write back.
and also with these people who make these demands about height and weight or whatever...it's like they expect everyone else to have the same standard of what they consider "short" or "overweight." It's like some person of the opposite sex might have wanted to write to them, but then this statement puts doubt in their head like, "well I don't think I'm really overweight, but this guy might be judging from Ralph Lauren standards..." but more likely they won't write because now they know what kind of an idiot you are.
Although that being said I add at the end of my profile to please not contact me if you are racist or sexist. I think these people know who they are.
I have met 3 guys via online dating...all of them not anything what I'd want. The first one was a state cop...that says enough. The next wanted to cook me dinner, yeah right, it was a way to get to go home with him...and third was just weird
I think in general anyone who makes demands about who you should or shouldn't be to contact them is out. If a guy who possesses characteristics I am not looking for emails me, I just don't write back. It's not up to me preemptively rule out certain people. That to me is just really negative. Write what you ARE looking for, but don't write what you're NOT looking for. We all have things are turn on and turn offs but making demands in your profile is just...ugh. A lot of people make physical demands which is ridiculous. Like "sorry but if you are overweight don't write to me." I'm sorry but putting that in your profile just makes you come off as a shallow jerk, and it does no good. Is it really THAT much skin off your back if someone who doesn't meet your physical standards dares to write to you? Like you are so turned off by everyone who does not meet what your personal standard happens to be that you can't even stand to have them turn up in your inbox. Everyone has the right to write to whomever they want to and then it's up to the recipient to determine if they want to write back.
and also with these people who make these demands about height and weight or whatever...it's like they expect everyone else to have the same standard of what they consider "short" or "overweight." It's like some person of the opposite sex might have wanted to write to them, but then this statement puts doubt in their head like, "well I don't think I'm really overweight, but this guy might be judging from Ralph Lauren standards..." but more likely they won't write because now they know what kind of an idiot you are.
Although that being said I add at the end of my profile to please not contact me if you are racist or sexist. I think these people know who they are.
totally agree with all of that. Negativity is a huge turn off. I met one woman who had a height provision in her profile...she then proceeded to complain that she got a ton of hate mail over it....I asked her why she left it on the profile...she couldn't give me an answer, aside from "I'm just telling the truth"....well....so are the people sending the hate mail
For me, #2 would be any variation of screen name that incorporates the word 'princess'. You are not a contestant on The Bachelor. Deal with it.
Also, anyone who lists shopping as an interest gets red flagged instantly....
And...I'm wary of anyone that goes on and on about 'if you're a player, liar or cheat, don't bother - I'm not looking for one night stands, so if that's you blah blah blah.....'.....do these women really think a guy that is willing to lie and cheat for sex is going to read that and go 'DAMNIT, I thought she'd be down...oh, and she's not looking for players, this just isn't gonna work out'....?? Those statements have 'issues' written all over them...if she's already bitching and THAT suspicious, can you imagine a relationship with her!?
I think in general anyone who makes demands about who you should or shouldn't be to contact them is out. If a guy who possesses characteristics I am not looking for emails me, I just don't write back. It's not up to me preemptively rule out certain people. That to me is just really negative. Write what you ARE looking for, but don't write what you're NOT looking for. We all have things are turn on and turn offs but making demands in your profile is just...ugh. A lot of people make physical demands which is ridiculous. Like "sorry but if you are overweight don't write to me." I'm sorry but putting that in your profile just makes you come off as a shallow jerk, and it does no good. Is it really THAT much skin off your back if someone who doesn't meet your physical standards dares to write to you? Like you are so turned off by everyone who does not meet what your personal standard happens to be that you can't even stand to have them turn up in your inbox. Everyone has the right to write to whomever they want to and then it's up to the recipient to determine if they want to write back.
and also with these people who make these demands about height and weight or whatever...it's like they expect everyone else to have the same standard of what they consider "short" or "overweight." It's like some person of the opposite sex might have wanted to write to them, but then this statement puts doubt in their head like, "well I don't think I'm really overweight, but this guy might be judging from Ralph Lauren standards..." but more likely they won't write because now they know what kind of an idiot you are.
Although that being said I add at the end of my profile to please not contact me if you are racist or sexist. I think these people know who they are.
Why did you put that in the end? Using your logic of a paragraph before, can't you just not respond?
As to the height/weight thing... i think people do that to basically say "looks matter to me so it's a wsate of your time trying to contact me." I don't think they give a shit who responds, they just don't want to end up on a date with some girl they know through a myspace angle photo and have it be awkward and hurtful for them.
I tried to be as true to myself on my online dating profile, and I may have come off as a little goofy or quirky, or odd. I did mention Pearl Jam, and I may have mentioned my tenclub #
It's been a while since I was online dating, but I tried to add a little humor. That I remember.
There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
I agree, if you want it to work, you have to weed through a lot of BS...including men who love to hear themselves talk and constantly interrupt you to change the subject to where they worked or how much they hate their mother, claim to be Sir Lancelot looking for his Queen (asking if I was willing to be said Queen), men who ask if a girlfriend in one of my photos was available if I wasn't interested, men who claim to want an independent woman but are indignant when you offer to pay your own way for dinner (quite possibly the same men who then complain women only want men to pay for everything). Even better is the man who is suddenly insulted that, if it gets to the point of a physical relationship, you are actually responsible enough to have condoms. I find that though some men claim to be attracted to a woman who is quite capable of living on her own without "needing" a man are threatened by that and seek to change it.
i know you're not making this up but i wish you did sad part is there must be girls that fall for that shit :roll:
Comments
For instance, it's been suggested to me by people on this board, that because I'm a single woman in my 40s I have very little to offer society, and I'm of little value. Also, it's been suggested to me by society at large, whatever, that men, no matter what age, are always of value.
Considering what was just written previously, it sounds like men in their 30s are experiencing a form of biological clock in their 30s - like they are on a sinking ship, and have to marry, whereas women in their 30s who may delay marriage, think of marriage as an option. Did I understand this correctly?
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
Kind of. I think men have more to gain from marriage than women nowadays and women have more to lose. It used to be the other way around because women couldn't work and they needed someone to support them. Now that that's not true, I think the tables have turned. Women share with their girl friends, they can lean on them in times of trouble and talk things out and get advice. Men don't relate to their friends the same way. Talking is not as comfortable and while it's done, men just don't seem to have the kind of support network a lot of women do. Our response to a friend's angst or heartbreak usually involved beer and bars and tv and just venting, less in the way of emotional support. So they kind of need marriage, because it grants them that support they struggle to get elsewhere but that women already have in place to an extent. It's no coincidence that married men live longer and I think that's part of it. So guys hit 30 and start seeing friends marry (and thus spend less time with them) and worry about getting left in the dirt. Not that this doesn't happen to women, I just think the reasons are different. You see it in the way guys spend far less time with their friends and far more with their gf's friends once they start getting serious.
oh if only it were that easy. if it were I wouldn't be in this online dating situation! I went to bars all through my 20s and rarely got "approached" and I think I'm pretty attractive. This is a misconception about women I've gotten on some other sites too. One guy on my online dating site said I must get approached by guys all the time, and I said no, I can count the amount of times I have on less than one hand. He then accused me of falsifying my photos on the dating site! He claimed that all girls get approached everywhere unless they are ugly or fat and called me a lying bitch! I think that whole situation might go with demographics too. I've never been into the townie-type pick-up type bars, I've always gone to more of the local hang out spots where people are just relaxing with their friends. There's not much interaction with others and/or "picking up" going on (it would be nice if there were, don't get me wrong). The few times I went to the...um...slightly cheesier bars (sorry) when I was in my early 20s, I definitely did notice that the point was sort of pick ups and my friends and I got more attention (although most of it was on the unwanted side). And I've noticed that my male friends and exes and whatnot are not the types of guys that would try to meet girls out like that. They've all met their girlfriends and wives through work or school or something along those lines (or online dating!). From the few times I've been approached, I've noticed there's a certain "type" of guy who tends to approach me. It could be just me, don't get me wrong. By "type" I mean they seem a little unsure of themselves and overcompensate by trying to impress (talking about their cars, houses, jobs, etc) and/or they seem like they're just hitting on every girl in the bar until one sticks. I can't really see most of the men I socialize with in that sort of situation. I would love to go out and meet more men on a regular basis (unfortunately, the older you get the more of your friends get married and become recluses, the less you go out yourself) but what I would like is to go out and just socialize with members of my community in general, and hopefully meet some nice guys in the process, rather than explicitly getting hit on by the guys who are only out to hit on girls. This happens in rare instances, but I think it's far too rare. American culture is weird like that. The few times I've been to various places in Europe I've noticed it much easier to just be sitting at the bar and chatting with those around you. If you talk to an attractive guy it's not this whole big deal/zero sum game that goes on around here. For a culture that places so much emphasis on couplehood, we are really weird about how we go about it. That's why online dating is so popular!
that is a really interesting take on the emotional needs of men. I never thought about it that way. It is true also, that most of the research and work that has been done on singles has focused on single women, and though it is still somewhat culturally unacceptable for women to be single over 30, there is more attention drawn to it and therefore there's been more of an individual acceptance at least.
Stoners are usually attracted to me. I don't know why that is . . .
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
you say that like it's a bad thing
i suppose that's true, it definitely matters what you're looking for. i don't know any serious couples that say they met in a bar. and it does kinda seem like everyone i know met their s.o through either a job or school. kinda tough to meet new people outside your workplace once you leave school. you don't see many new faces in situations where it's easy to talk to them anymore.
you make a good point about europe vs the us, which i've noticed before. i think it's cos our culture is kinda puritanical. we put marriage on this huge hallowed pedestal (see gay marriage debate) and simultaneously act like sex is bad (see janet jackson's boob freakout). so there's kind of a stigma that if you're just dating for fun, you're not a serious person... you're a player or a tease or a slut. that puts a lot of pressure on meeting or talking to someone, because we also have the social norm that you mind your own business and not talk to strangers. so if you do, like you said, it's so all-or-none... there's a vibe that you're either intensely interested in this person, trying to get laid, or a socially awkward weirdo
yes, and there's also the level of importance we place on the acceptance from these people we might talk to as well. we also have way too much social ranking when it comes to talking to members of the opposite sex. People are afraid to talk to each other because they think the other person is not on the same level. So people worry that they don't have the "right" to talk to certain people just because they feel like they are too good looking or have some other feature that is unapproachable. On top of that, we place sooo much emphasis on what will happen if we dare talk to someone, if we get rejected, rather than think the person who "rejected" us is just an unfriendly weirdo, we place all this value on it like it defines who we are and our place in the pecking order.
the american marriage paradox seem to be addressed in a lot of recent writings and studies. I read somewhere that no other country in the world puts as much weight on it in all areas of life: other western countries don't have all the legal benefits or marriage nor the cultural and religious implications we have; other non western cultures have the legal, cultural, and religious emphasis, but they don't expect all the lovey-dovey magical romance that we associate with it. And not only do we have the paradox you mention (marriage yay! sex boo!) we also have the paradox that we think marriage is an elite club that deserves privilages, but also that everyone should do it and there's something wrong with people who don't.
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
add into that the absolute derth of single hetero males in the workplace. seriously, in my group alone of over 100.....there is one single hetero guy in his 30s. one. single. guy. and our workplace is pretty evenly split, male to female, or actually skewing more male....and there is a healthy mix of all age groups, but you bet......young are single....over 30, married...or if not married, single women who either never married or are divorced. one single male. and this is in NYC too mind you. so there is definitely a LOT of validity to lauri's theory. i see it both personally and professionally.
as to the 'women always get hit on'....i also have to agree with lauri, that is simply a falsehood. even for very attractive females. a lot of men are intimidated by extremely attractive females, thus don't approach...and even amongst the merely quite good-looking women, especially over say age 30 (yes, i am generalizing) it seems that even if a woman appears on her own, that many may mistakenly believe due to age that she 'must' be taken already. and also add in, generally, men skew towards younger women, so unless a lot of older single guys present, or the few adventurous younger males present.....it does indeed appear more difficult for women over 35 to even find suitable guys around. i know they do exist
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
And to your first argument, there's an episode of Futurama (death by snoo snoo!) that that paragraph reminded me of, and as the likelihood of being a single early 30-something grows, I say.."woo hoo!"
i know that's how most men SEE it....and i am speaking to reality.
and yes, there is a silver lining in there...for some, anyway.
also, it is NOT to diminish the opportunities for ALL, just again, some 'reality' in it...or at least of what i have personally observed, and yes, not as a single female...but a student of interest in all human interactions :P...and just observations of friends, family....and said humanity on the whole...what i can see in the human fishbowl of which is NYC and it's environs.
and hey, i am a woman of a 'certain age'...so i can definitely identify with the perceptions out there. as to all those singles looking for love, lust, a bit of fun, whatever....i say.....ENJOY and good luck!
oh and i realize, i lied. there are 2 single males over 30. there is the one guy in his 30s, never married...and then there is a 45-50 year old guy, divorced. that's it tho.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
ha, the "must be taken already" thing. I have experienced this first hand, but I was much younger...about 25 or 26...this one quite persistent guy who claimed to be 34, but I think he was closer to 44, that I met in an airport kept pestering me to go out with him so I finally agreed. When we went out, he told me that I looked like a girl who "already had a boyfriend" so he wasn't sure whether to talk to me or not (unfortunately, I guess he went against his gut). Now first of all, that's basically saying that the only reason you would want to talk to a stranger is to pick them up, and secondly, how does one "look like" they have a boyfriend??? I asked him what he meant by that (of course) and he said I looked confident and independent. Well that's insulting, only women with boyfriends look confident? And if I seemed independent...wouldn't that suggest the opposite?
Oh and in terms of workplace opportunities...There's about 25-30 people in my company...the only single people are me and a 22 year-old woman (two other women aren't married but are in "serious" relationships, and all the men are married).
So i log on and take the personality test thing, takes about 30 mins going through all different aspects of your personality traits, characteristics & like / dislikes and after half an hour when i finish the test this is what came up
'eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match '
Story of my life
Shit these people would rather turn away business then give it a go - good sign that.
I don't know if that's a good sign...they seem to be trying to cleanse the population of "undesirables"...I wonder what it is about people that makes them get rejected from eHarmony.
Dunno, it did say tho it happens to 1 in 5 people who take the test. I guess maybe the answers were to conflicting maybe? Which is funny because i always thought of myself as a walking contradiction
believe me....his email was deleted without a response.
and I don't know what they mean by the good life. I think SOME believe if they spend money on you, showing you they can take care of you (a good life!), you will in turn, take care of them by being the new version of their ex-wife who used to cook and clean for him before she got sick of it.
I have eaten so much gold I crapped excellence - drtyfrnk29
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all!
Top 10 Match.com profile deal breakers
10. Shirtless photos
9. Uses the word "lady"
8. Screen name contains any variation on "Red Sox Fan."
7. Wants a girl that "takes care of herself." You don't want a girl who takes care of herself, you want someone skinny, there's a difference, so why don't you just say so?
6. Is 30 years old but is seeking women age 18-25.
5. Every photo contains a polo shirt and khakis- you can't be playing golf or working at Best Buy ALL the time.
4. First line of intro is something like "I never thought I'd try something like match.com."
3. Talks about "snuggling."
2. Loves life, is living the good life, or lives life to the fullest.
1. Enjoys both going out on the town or, shocker, spending a quiet night at home.
a lot can be said with a well timed squishee imo.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
LMAO..
on the female side I had these turn-offs:
1) she is equally comfortable in a black dress or a pair of jeans (what is this.. a perfume commercial?)
2) Woman who profess to be RED SOX GIRL.... Yah... No, me thinks not..
3) Has a list of things her ideal man IS and ISNT.. (This is a passive aggressive form of nagging online IMO)
4) Goes on and on about how she is inudated with all the winks that she can't possibly respond to... Geez.."HOUSTON The EGO HAS LANDED!"
5) Has pics with her surronded by other women (mostly hot)... Is this a "Where's Waldo" test.. who exactly is the girl in this profile?
6) Women who look kinda like men in their photos.. There I said it...I could show you some that have adam's apples the size of manhattan...
EV intro to Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns
10/25/13 Hartford
so youre not looking to plant your seed in the garden of eden, then??
oh god that was so bad. :roll:
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
i got highly rated by a woman with a very noticeable adam's apple the other day. no thanks
Also, anyone who lists shopping as an interest gets red flagged instantly....
And...I'm wary of anyone that goes on and on about 'if you're a player, liar or cheat, don't bother - I'm not looking for one night stands, so if that's you blah blah blah.....'.....do these women really think a guy that is willing to lie and cheat for sex is going to read that and go 'DAMNIT, I thought she'd be down...oh, and she's not looking for players, this just isn't gonna work out'....?? Those statements have 'issues' written all over them...if she's already bitching and THAT suspicious, can you imagine a relationship with her!?
I think in general anyone who makes demands about who you should or shouldn't be to contact them is out. If a guy who possesses characteristics I am not looking for emails me, I just don't write back. It's not up to me preemptively rule out certain people. That to me is just really negative. Write what you ARE looking for, but don't write what you're NOT looking for. We all have things are turn on and turn offs but making demands in your profile is just...ugh. A lot of people make physical demands which is ridiculous. Like "sorry but if you are overweight don't write to me." I'm sorry but putting that in your profile just makes you come off as a shallow jerk, and it does no good. Is it really THAT much skin off your back if someone who doesn't meet your physical standards dares to write to you? Like you are so turned off by everyone who does not meet what your personal standard happens to be that you can't even stand to have them turn up in your inbox. Everyone has the right to write to whomever they want to and then it's up to the recipient to determine if they want to write back.
and also with these people who make these demands about height and weight or whatever...it's like they expect everyone else to have the same standard of what they consider "short" or "overweight." It's like some person of the opposite sex might have wanted to write to them, but then this statement puts doubt in their head like, "well I don't think I'm really overweight, but this guy might be judging from Ralph Lauren standards..." but more likely they won't write because now they know what kind of an idiot you are.
Although that being said I add at the end of my profile to please not contact me if you are racist or sexist. I think these people know who they are.
totally agree with all of that. Negativity is a huge turn off. I met one woman who had a height provision in her profile...she then proceeded to complain that she got a ton of hate mail over it....I asked her why she left it on the profile...she couldn't give me an answer, aside from "I'm just telling the truth"....well....so are the people sending the hate mail
actually :? in my Yahoo profile, i mention NYC, Amsterdam and Pearl Jam.
other than a bit of crazy prose, that's about it.
oh and some pictures of when i was 25. :ugeek:
Why did you put that in the end? Using your logic of a paragraph before, can't you just not respond?
As to the height/weight thing... i think people do that to basically say "looks matter to me so it's a wsate of your time trying to contact me." I don't think they give a shit who responds, they just don't want to end up on a date with some girl they know through a myspace angle photo and have it be awkward and hurtful for them.
It's been a while since I was online dating, but I tried to add a little humor. That I remember.
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
i know you're not making this up but i wish you did
:thumbup: :thumbup: