Disowning Family

comebackgirl · August 2009

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

South of Seattle · August 2009

patrickredeyes wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

I grew up normal and in the burbs

right

Yeah the Portland burbs aren't too normal

iamsam_pj · August 2009

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

i'm convinced my sister is a sociopath as well!! she has spent the past 4 years addicted to various drugs...mostly pain medication. she used to sneak into my parents house and steal my nana's pain meds...my nana was sick with lung cancer!! it got to the point where my parents had to ban her from entering the house unless one of them was there...and my nana was terrified to be in the house alone with her.
my mom keeps saying that she's going to cut her off...not give her any money, not pay her bills...but she keeps doing it anyway. she's been living off of my parents for quite awhile now...and hasn't had a job in forever. she just turned 28...and really has no plan to turn her life around. to top it all off...she just found out she's pregnant. my family is far from excited!

Fifthelement · August 2009

I haven't disowned my brother, but have definitely distanced myself emotionally from him since he went back to prison. I just don't have the interest or energy to deal with it anymore. My sister and dad feel the same way, but my mom . . . well, she's his mom. I don't think that she can ever really stop enabling him, but she too has had to focus on other, more immediate stuff lately. So there is hope.

It's funny that this topic came up tonight. My husband and I were just discussing this topic at dinner in regards to his sister and my brother.

comebackgirl · August 2009

iamsam_pj wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

i'm convinced my sister is a sociopath as well!! she has spent the past 4 years addicted to various drugs...mostly pain medication. she used to sneak into my parents house and steal my nana's pain meds...my nana was sick with lung cancer!! it got to the point where my parents had to ban her from entering the house unless one of them was there...and my nana was terrified to be in the house alone with her.
my mom keeps saying that she's going to cut her off...not give her any money, not pay her bills...but she keeps doing it anyway. she's been living off of my parents for quite awhile now...and hasn't had a job in forever. she just turned 28...and really has no plan to turn her life around. to top it all off...she just found out she's pregnant. my family is far from excited!

My brother and your sister sound like they would be 2 peas in a pod! Hopefully they'll never meet (I'm pretty sure he's living in Florida now). I think it's hard for parents to give up on their kids. My mom says she just wants to make sure he's ok (ummm...he'll never be ok) :P But she's gotten a lot better about it. She let him live at home way too long, totally enabling him, but I guess hoping he would change. It's gonna be even harder for your parents now that she's pregnant! So sorry you are dealing with something similar.

covered in bliss · August 2009

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

thank your for sharing and the one statement that sticks out is " You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't." That statement is a bullet between the eyes. (drama added, of course).

Some people can't. No matter how hard you try (and you shouldn't have to try!!!!!!!!!!!), people are going to do what they're going to do. Don't take it personally (it's hard when it's a parent!)... they really can't help it.

covered in bliss · August 2009

The thing that sucks the most is the guilt. I was raised catholic and I keep hearing in my head "THAT"S YOUR FAMILY!" We're supposed to love our family, unconditionally.

That's dangerous.

comebackgirl · August 2009

covered in bliss wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

My younger brother and I disowned our older brother 14 years ago or so. My parents pretty much disowned him too, although my mom still has occasional limited phone contact. He's just not a safe person to be around. I could go on and on about his misdeeds (drugs, sexual assault, cruelty to animals, stealing from friends, family, neighbors, multiple arrests. lying, vandalism of vehicles, etc). It was horrible when I was younger and friends and neighbors would tell me about horrible things he had done and thinking "yep - I'm sure he did it." I would not be shocked to see him on the news one day for being arrested for something horrible. He definitely meets criteria for antisocial personality disorder. You know someone is a sociopath when you can see them do something and they know you saw them do it and they will still look you in the eye and swear that they didn't (and they actually believe what they are saying!) He's sneaky, but he's dumb :P We all gave up any hope that he would change when he tried to swindle money (again) from my grandmother (who has alzheimer's) after my grandfather died 2 years ago. You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't. They're wired that way. My brother, stepfather and I have accepted this and moved on, but my mom is still hoping. I typically only mention that I have one brother (my younger brother - who rocks!)

thank your for sharing and the one statement that sticks out is " You can hope and pray that people will change, but some people just can't." That statement is a bullet between the eyes. (drama added, of course).

Some people can't. No matter how hard you try (and you shouldn't have to try!!!!!!!!!!!), people are going to do what they're going to do. Don't take it personally (it's hard when it's a parent!)... they really can't help it.

yeah i think sometimes you don't have to cut the person off completely, but you just have to learn to care from a distance. It depends on the person, the situation, their motivation for change, etc. Some people can and do change...but others don't. Most people who have addiction problems are not sociopaths (my brother is an extreme example and most of his behavior pre-dates any of his drug use), but enabling them won't help them change. It's so hard though cause you don't want to see the person you care about fall any farther.

washedinblack91 · August 2009

i keep forgetting my brother's father is mine also.

i haven't talked to him (except for awkward conversations at family functions) in 5 years. he was (and still is) a verbally abusive little fuckwad who actually caused me to have a mental breakdown at age 5. a nun even told my mother to get a divorce (then left the habit, i wonder why...

) sooooooo, after they got divorced i would go over his house every 2 weeks which went on until i was 15 when i couldn't stand going over there anymore. he would yell at everyone regardless of age, sex, and relationship to him, make people cry, he gambles, and is incredibly racist. he once threw candy up a tree and told some black children to go get it, calling them "little monkeys". he once saw my cousin's black dog run into the middle of the street and he said "i thought it was a little n****r boy i was gonna run it over". he took my other cousin (who's father is jewish) by his foot and shook him when he was a baby and laughed while he cried because of who his father was. he called up my mother when she was in the hospital with asthma and pneumonia to yell at her. he would yell at her because the salt shaker wasn't at the right place and other insignificant things like that. he once yelled at me because he thought i drank more soda than my brother from the cup we were sharing. when my parents were together he would bring home 37 cents because he would gamble the rest away. and the worst part of it (for me at least) is that some days he would be charming, fun, would have a great sense of humor and would make you smile. then the next day he would become this screaming, condescending monster, breaking things with eyes bulging, face red, veins popping, all because you spilled a glass of water (really. no hyperbole needed for this man!)

i'm not the type to just sit back and let it happen and apparently i never was. my mother tells the story of how they were arguing feverishly one night and i stood in front of her, age two, pointed at him and said "leave mommy 'lone!" which caused him to put a fist through our glass door and yell at my mom for "having his own kid against him". me and my dad, especially when i got older, would really butt heads. i can't stand it when people are mean to other people especially for literally no reason. after years of his bullshit i couldn't stand him anymore. all of his broken promises, all the years of putting guilt on me for getting upset over his bullshit, all the years of arguing and hearing him argue with other people just made me realize i needed to stop talking to him.

it's been one of the best and hardest decisions of my life. lots of things remind me of him and all the fun we used to have, despite all the bullshit. plus, the people in his family used to make me feel really bad with the whole "But he's your father you only have one!" and to that i say, you're right. i do only have one. my step father is my father. it would bother me whenever they said i was doing the wrong thing and i shouldn't cut him out of my life but after i did i finally became happy. so fuck it. i'm glad i don't talk to him anymore. i've never been so close to truly hating anyone in my life (except maybe his wife but that's an entirely different story :P)

South of Seattle · August 2009

covered in bliss wrote:

patrickredeyes wrote:

My middle sister hasn't talked to any of my family members since April. But its a good thing IMO cause were so sick of her bullshit. I feel bad for my folks cause they haven't seen their grand daughter. My sister has always been a black cloud in our family. There is no point in us trying to reach out to her cause she is cold as ice. I could write a book about her. lol

why is she the black cloud????

please answer because in my family, I'm the black cloud!!!

Mom has been an alcoholic for most of my life. I'm the one that has been thru therapy, ACOA meetings, alanon meetings... every book I can find along with anti-depressants... they haven't done anything but love mom... aka: been co-dependant and enabling.

I'm the black sheep and I'm done.

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

Who Princess · August 2009

South of Seattle wrote:

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

I don't know why the OP has been to therapy but if it's to deal with an alcoholic mother then I don't see that as having a problem with alcohol. And being prescribed anti-depressants, which are taken for depression, which is an illness, is not the same thing as abusing drugs or alcohol, so I don't think it's appropriate to talk about pill issues. CIB was asking for other people's experiences breaking off with family members, especially handling guilt feelings. I don't think piling on more guilt is necessary.

South of Seattle · August 2009

whoprincess wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

I don't know why the OP has been to therapy but if it's to deal with an alcoholic mother then I don't see that as having a problem with alcohol. And being prescribed anti-depressants, which are taken for depression, which is an illness, is not the same thing as abusing drugs or alcohol, so I don't think it's appropriate to talk about pill issues. CIB was asking for other people's experiences breaking off with family members, especially handling guilt feelings. I don't think piling on more guilt is necessary.

I'm just going on what was been posted here. That's why I asked the question about the therapy and such, I've not heard of anyone going to therapy alone for a family problem, that's all.

Thoughts_Arrive · August 2009

I've disowned my mum numerous times, and lately my sister to.

vduboise · August 2009

I've disowned my father and my sister.
With the sisters: when we were kids, we were close- especially my 2nd oldest (I'm the 3rd of 4). When she reached high school, things changed and we became distant, and she became one of the most selfish person I have ever met (to this day). One day she threw a hissy-fit and started yelling and screaming at my mom- and I had about enough of it. Words were spoken, not kind ones and soon (not soon enough), she was out the door. She continues her mean spirited bullshit- with nasty letters- and then one year she just stopped. I don't know what happened, but she "changed". She had a kid and tried to make amends with my mom. I don't believe that she has changed, but my mom is willing- more power to her. I've decided that its not worth my sanity and I don't speak to her. My mom tries to ambush me with coincidental get-togethers. I'm cordial, for my mom's sake. But I don't want to be- and its such a hard fight sometimes.

Now my dad- wow- just an abusive(too much to get into), controlling individual. I too was forced to go visit him when I was a kid- and he tried to brainwash us against my mom (worked with the one sister above). I stopped going when I was about 14. Off and on I would see him over the years until I just stopped trying to have a relationship with him. When I was getting married, my mom (bless her kindness) thought I should invite him to the wedding- not to be part of the ceremony or anything like that(I did not think that it was appropriate- not having been in my life for some time) - more that, maybe, he should be there. That was the worst thing I could have ever done- I got so much nastiness and anger. Lets just say, words could not express the disgust I felt with his replies.

I've given up on my dad- don't know where he is and don't want to know. My sister- maybe with a bit more time I could be more friendly towards her.

Family is hard and a lot of work- on both sides- if they are willing to make a change to make the relationship work. Sometimes its best just to cut the cord and move on with your life. It saddens me sometimes when I see close knit families -where the siblings get along and you have that deep connection. I realize i will not have that with my family (except with my mom- which has to be good enough)

comebackgirl · August 2009

South of Seattle wrote:

whoprincess wrote:

South of Seattle wrote:

I guess you would need to start with the question "Why are you the black cloud?" From what you said here your mother is an Alcoholic but you've been through the therapy. That obviously means that you have some sort of problem with alcohol as well and maybe pill issues since you also said that you're taking anti-depressants.

Alcoholism does get passed down through the family. Maybe they see you as the black cloud since you seem to be going down the same road as your mother?

I don't know why the OP has been to therapy but if it's to deal with an alcoholic mother then I don't see that as having a problem with alcohol. And being prescribed anti-depressants, which are taken for depression, which is an illness, is not the same thing as abusing drugs or alcohol, so I don't think it's appropriate to talk about pill issues. CIB was asking for other people's experiences breaking off with family members, especially handling guilt feelings. I don't think piling on more guilt is necessary.

I'm just going on what was been posted here. That's why I asked the question about the therapy and such, I've not heard of anyone going to therapy alone for a family problem, that's all.

I see people in therapy all the time who are there because of a family problem - very often growing up with a parent who is an alcoholic and/or abusive. So much of the work is about what's been posted on here - recognizing you can't make the other person change and re-determining boundaries, etc. recognizing the changes you can make for yourself.

florence151 · August 2009

If a family member is hurting you I believe you have the right to disown them.
"But they are family" can be an excuse for illogical, masochistic behavior.
I recently had an old friend go nuts on me during a phone call after leaving vile messages.
No amount of calm, non-accusitive response could bring them down from their rage.
I hung up and decided that they were not a frined of mine any more.
I hope they win the lottery and find love. Just don't bother me.

We have a right to be in peace.
Know that all things cannot be fixed.

washedinblack91 · August 2009

florence151 wrote:

If a family member is hurting you I believe you have the right to disown them.
"But they are family" can be an excuse for illogical, masochistic behavior.
I recently had an old friend go nuts on me during a phone call after leaving vile messages.
No amount of calm, non-accusitive response could bring them down from their rage.
I hung up and decided that they were not a frined of mine any more.
I hope they win the lottery and find love. Just don't bother me.

We have a right to be in peace.
Know that all things cannot be fixed.

THANK YOU!! my dad's family and my mom's parents (who are big born again christians) are like "but he's your father you have to forgive him blah blah blah" but it's like, if he's tearing me apart and making me and everyone around him feel like shit then why not disown him? it's the same with having an abusive boyfriend. if my boyfriend is making me feel like shit you better believe everyone will say "oh get rid of him he's no good he'll always abuse you and make your life hell". he won't change. he's not even thinking about changing. when i had to go to therapy when i was 5 for my mental breakdown because of his abuse, he wouldn't go because "it wasn't his fault". so if he's not willing to do something for his daughter, why should i do something for him?

family members can be so retarded sometimes.

patrickredeyes · August 2009

My oldest sister and I have pretty much written off our other sister. My folks haven't cause it's their daughter and I understand that. But she has done things and said things that have hurt many like myself, my older sister and her family and my folks. And in the past couple yrs as my folk's health has taken some scary and stressful turns. She continues to act the same way and treat us like shit. Well this past April as I decided to go back to Denver I called her and asked if she could help out while I'm gone. Help out with coming over to my folks house and take my dad out for a ride or take him to the store. I told her I know she is busy with her kids and stuff but I was only asking for a hr extra from her. Right away she goes into asking if our older sister is helping out also. I replied yes of course and she goes off on one of her rants about her. Anyway she is going on and on and saying things that are not nice and totally wrong. Well in my mind I just snapped and said enough of this. I told her what I thought of the way she was acting and has in the past. I didn't call her to fight but called her to ask about helping out. She turned the entire chat onto our older sister. See if you can tell by now they have never got along. Lynn who is my middle sister and not talking too has always thought that my mom liked Cindy my older sister better. Lynn still blames my mom for shit that happened to her in high school. So anyway her and I are yelling back and forth on the phone. And then she starts on me and about me going back to Denver. The last thing she says to me b4 hanging up the phone is that I'm a fucking bum and will always be. Now I would rather have a complete stranger tell me this then my own flesh and blood. That comment still hurts and hurts to type that out now. Since then I refused to talk to her and will continue to do so. In my eyes I only have one sister now and that's good enough for me. This may sound very cruel but my middle sister is dead to me. I don't care about her at all anymore. It's sad but its the truth and how I feel. :(

pretext · August 2009

patrickredeyes wrote:

My oldest sister and I have pretty much written off our other sister. My folks haven't cause it's their daughter and I understand that. But she has done things and said things that have hurt many like myself, my older sister and her family and my folks. And in the past couple yrs as my folk's health has taken some scary and stressful turns. She continues to act the same way and treat us like shit. Well this past April as I decided to go back to Denver I called her and asked if she could help out while I'm gone. Help out with coming over to my folks house and take my dad out for a ride or take him to the store. I told her I know she is busy with her kids and stuff but I was only asking for a hr extra from her. Right away she goes into asking if our older sister is helping out also. I replied yes of course and she goes off on one of her rants about her. Anyway she is going on and on and saying things that are not nice and totally wrong. Well in my mind I just snapped and said enough of this. I told her what I thought of the way she was acting and has in the past. I didn't call her to fight but called her to ask about helping out. She turned the entire chat onto our older sister. See if you can tell by now they have never got along. Lynn who is my middle sister and not talking too has always thought that my mom liked Cindy my older sister better. Lynn still blames my mom for shit that happened to her in high school. So anyway her and I are yelling back and forth on the phone. And then she starts on me and about me going back to Denver. The last thing she says to me b4 hanging up the phone is that I'm a fucking bum and will always be. Now I would rather have a complete stranger tell me this then my own flesh and blood. That comment still hurts and hurts to type that out now. Since then I refused to talk to her and will continue to do so. In my eyes I only have one sister now and that's good enough for me. This may sound very cruel but my middle sister is dead to me. I don't care about her at all anymore. It's sad but its the truth and how I feel. :(

Patrick, from a complete stranger who only knows form what you write here: You are not a fucking bum.

justam · August 2009

covered in bliss wrote:

Have you done it? How did it work out? Details?

I haven't spoken to my mom in 6 weeks and my sister in 5. I've never felt better in my life. I imagine the Holiday's will be hard but I might escape with a cruise or Hawaii for Christmas.

I'd really love to hear stories! I'm sure a bunch of people think "that's your FAMILY!" etc. When your family makes you physically sick, isn't it time to tell them to f-off?

I haven't spoken to the step-father that considers himself my father in 15 years. He occasionally sends letters or asks me to call (through my uncle) when he's sick and needs emotional support (!!) but by the time I cut him off I'd had enough of his nonsense.

I don't regret the lack of contact in the least. In fact, the thought of speaking to him makes me feel so angry I could break something or get ill. :?

I think avoiding him has worked out quite well.

Disowning Family

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