Feelings for a best friend.

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  • petrocs
    petrocs Posts: 4,342
    saveuplife wrote:
    Would you, by chance, want to sleep with the "most beautiful women you have ever been around"? lol

    at one time I did want to but they are all like sisters to me now...and besides...I have the most beautiful fiance in all the world now so I dont have to :) now if I lived in Utah maybe we could talk..LOL
    Shows:
    9/24/96 MD. 9/28/96 Randalls. 8/28-29/98 Camden. 9/8/98 NJ. 9/18/98 MD. 9/1-2/00 Camden. 9/4/00 MD. 4/28/03 Philly. 7/5-6/03 Camden. 9/30/05 AC.
    10/3/05 Philly. 5/27-28/06 Camden. 6/23/06 Pitt. 6/19-20/08 Camden. 6/24/08 MSG. 8/7/08 EV Newark, NJ. 6/11-12/09 EV Philly, PA. 10/27-28-30-31/09 Philly, PA., 5/15/10 Hartford,5/17/10 Boston, 5/18/10 Newark, 5/20-21/10 MSG
  • Danimal
    Danimal Posts: 2,000
    Relationships do not work if they are one-sided.

    Move on, brother.
    "I don't believe in PJ fans but I believe there is something, not too sure what." - Thoughts_Arrive


  • wash_
    wash_ Posts: 1,073
    scb wrote:
    I disagree with those who are saying he should cut his losses and run, or not "put up with" her talking to him like she would talk to any other friend.

    If he's really her friend, he should be her friend. She should be able to talk to him about anything. He's not "putting up with" her. He shouldn't leave just because she doesn't want to get with him. What kind of friend would that make him? And why would she ever want to be with someone who turned out to not be as good a friend as she thought he was?

    All of the serious, long-term relationships I've ever been in have started kind of like this. We were friends first, usually best friends. Sometimes they hit on me and I said I just wanted to be friends and continued to talk to them like I did before. Eventually I fell in love with them, because they were such good friends. These are the kinds of relationships, for me anyway, that are lasting and real - not the "if you don't want to fuck me, I don't want to be your friend" kind.

    You give me hope!!!!!!!!!!!

    Im in this situation myself and i'm waiting for my best friend to realise how perfect we would be together. Our friendship is progressing, we're having a bit of fun and I think this way really makes a solid foundation for a relationship. I just hope he figures it out soon and if he doesn't, we're still friends. :)
    2006 ░▒▓ Astoria, Dublin, Leeds, Reading, Lisbon, Paris, Verona, Athens
    2007 ░▒▓ London, Dusseldorf, Copenhagen, Nijmegen
    2009 ░▒▓ Manchester, London
    2010 ░▒▓ Hyde Park

    *§* Music is all the juice i'll need *§*
  • Jeremys Spoken
    Jeremys Spoken Posts: 7,578
    scb wrote:
    I disagree with those who are saying he should cut his losses and run, or not "put up with" her talking to him like she would talk to any other friend.

    If he's really her friend, he should be her friend. She should be able to talk to him about anything. He's not "putting up with" her. He shouldn't leave just because she doesn't want to get with him. What kind of friend would that make him? And why would she ever want to be with someone who turned out to not be as good a friend as she thought he was?

    All of the serious, long-term relationships I've ever been in have started kind of like this. We were friends first, usually best friends. Sometimes they hit on me and I said I just wanted to be friends and continued to talk to them like I did before. Eventually I fell in love with them, because they were such good friends. These are the kinds of relationships, for me anyway, that are lasting and real - not the "if you don't want to fuck me, I don't want to be your friend" kind.


    Exactly.
    2008 - MSG 6/24-6/25
    2010 - Newark 5/18 MSG 5/21
    2011 - PJ20 9/3-9/4
    2012 - MIA Festival 9/2
    2013 - Wrigley Field 7/19 Brooklyn 10/18-10/19 Philly 10/22
    2015 - Colbert show - 9/23 Global Citizens Festival 9/26
    2016 - Philly 4/28-4/29 MSG 5/1-5/2



  • JordyWordy
    JordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    Move on.

    Pretty much every guy who's posted here who's been in your shoes before has advised you to do the same.

    Even if you get together it wont be what you wanted it to be. She'll see different things in you than what you want, etc. Its just messy. Go and take your mind off her, its easy to get urself bogged down in that stuff, it fucks with your head & ur mojo.

    who knows, u may just stumble across someone that likes you without giving you such grief?

    Again, harsh, but from personal experience, totally true. Its never nice to look back at time you spent liking someone when it wasnt reciprocated. Regardless of how good u 2 could be, you're probably still attracted because of the rejection.
  • Sian-of-the-dead
    Sian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    JordyWordy wrote:
    Move on.

    Pretty much every guy who's posted here who's been in your shoes before has advised you to do the same.

    Even if you get together it wont be what you wanted it to be. She'll see different things in you than what you want, etc. Its just messy. Go and take your mind off her, its easy to get urself bogged down in that stuff, it fucks with your head & ur mojo.

    who knows, u may just stumble across someone that likes you without giving you such grief?

    Again, harsh, but from personal experience, totally true. Its never nice to look back at time you spent liking someone when it wasnt reciprocated. Regardless of how good u 2 could be, you're probably still attracted because of the rejection.
    Why should he hurt her as well as himself? I would think it was pretty selfish if a guy did that to me...
    They are friends and that shouldn't end because he has feelings for her. If a relationship blossoms from the situation then ok but he shouldn't remove himself from it and lose out entirely.
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
  • BinGnarly
    BinGnarly Posts: 508
    The friend zone sucks. I don't see why most girls don't realize it or act like they don't realize it. I have a friend and I'm almost 100% sure the only reason she isnt into me is because i'm not into the Hardcore scene. Well Screamo shit music scene and I don't dye my hair 900 different colors and wear super tight pants. Other then that we are amazing friends and she is gorgeous and talented and funny. But nothing will ever come of it. But i'm fine with it now. I've found a girl who I have truly fallen in love with and we are doing great.
    Shows:
    San Diego 2003
    Grand Rapids 2004
    Grand Rapids 2006
    Detroit 2006
    Columbus 2010

    "With my own two hands I can change the world."
  • Sian-of-the-dead
    Sian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    BinGnarly wrote:
    The friend zone sucks. I don't see why most girls don't realize it or act like they don't realize it. I have a friend and I'm almost 100% sure the only reason she isnt into me is because i'm not into the Hardcore scene. Well Screamo shit music scene and I don't dye my hair 900 different colors and wear super tight pants. Other then that we are amazing friends and she is gorgeous and talented and funny. But nothing will ever come of it. But i'm fine with it now. I've found a girl who I have truly fallen in love with and we are doing great.

    Reads like you still harbour feelings for your friend... :confused:
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
  • JordyWordy
    JordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    Sian-of-the-dead wrote:
    Why should he hurt her as well as himself? I would think it was pretty selfish if a guy did that to me...
    They are friends and that shouldn't end because he has feelings for her. If a relationship blossoms from the situation then ok but he shouldn't remove himself from it and lose out entirely.


    Whoa whoa. Im not suggesting that he stop being friends with her.

    Im suggesting that in circumstances where he clearly wants more than to be her friend then its good for him to make a concentrated effort to try find someone else to like. Either way its good for him cos he could find a girl who does know his worth, or else it will make him (and hopefully her) think about what they actually feel for each other.


    (for example, if eventually her talking about BFs didnt bother him, then he'd probably know he didnt like her anymore)
  • Sian-of-the-dead
    Sian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    JordyWordy wrote:
    Whoa whoa. Im not suggesting that he stop being friends with her.

    Im suggesting that in circumstances where he clearly wants more than to be her friend then its good for him to make a concentrated effort to try find someone else to like. Either way its good for him cos he could find a girl who does know his worth, or else it will make him (and hopefully her) think about what they actually feel for each other.


    (for example, if eventually her talking about BFs didnt bother him, then he'd probably know he didnt like her anymore)

    Ah ok :) Thanks.

    I agree! :D
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
  • JordyWordy
    JordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    Sian-of-the-dead wrote:
    Ah ok :) Thanks.

    I agree! :D

    hehe, i re-read my post and i see where u got that from!

    I just think that sometimes this stuff can consume someone, and standing back from the situation helps. distance is good.

    Sometimes its not actually what they want after all.

    Sometimes of course, it is what they actually want.
  • unifiedscene
    unifiedscene Posts: 462
    BinGnarly wrote:
    The friend zone sucks. I don't see why most girls don't realize it or act like they don't realize it. I have a friend and I'm almost 100% sure the only reason she isnt into me is because i'm not into the Hardcore scene. Well Screamo shit music scene and I don't dye my hair 900 different colors and wear super tight pants. Other then that we are amazing friends and she is gorgeous and talented and funny. But nothing will ever come of it. But i'm fine with it now. I've found a girl who I have truly fallen in love with and we are doing great.

    I find it incredibly interesting that every guy here sympathizes with the OP and has been through it and advises him to protect himself and his feelings, and every woman on here is telling him to wait it out. Guaranteed most of these women have broken the heart of a good male friend of theirs without ever really realizing it.

    Who's being selfish here? A guy who admits he wants more and feels he should step away because he can't be the friend she deserves, or the girl who demands that the guy just get over his feelings so that she doesn't have to make a decision and can just wait until nothing better comes along? It's a telling message: just hang in there guy, she'll come around! Meanwhile, you should be waiting patiently while she goes through guys like underwear in the hopes that she'll settle for you. Guess these ladies don't want to lose their parachute guy...
    she was underwhelmed, if that's a word
  • Sian-of-the-dead
    Sian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    unifiedscene wrote:
    I find it incredibly interesting that every guy here sympathizes with the OP and has been through it and advises him to protect himself and his feelings, and every woman on here is telling him to wait it out. Guaranteed most of these women have broken the heart of a good male friend of theirs without ever really realizing it.

    Who's being selfish here? A guy who admits he wants more and feels he should step away because he can't be the friend she deserves, or the girl who demands that the guy just get over his feelings so that she doesn't have to make a decision and can just wait until nothing better comes along? It's a telling message: just hang in there guy, she'll come around! Meanwhile, you should be waiting patiently while she goes through guys like underwear in the hopes that she'll settle for you. Guess these ladies don't want to lose their parachute guy...

    That's very sweeping.

    I could quite easily say that the guys in here are posting because most of them are bitter about the fact that, at some point, they've had their feelings hurt/hearts broken by a female friend. It's not women's fault that most men (in my experience) are so scared to show their emotions that they'd rather have them hurt than spit out how they really feel.

    Besides, the OP said that the girl knows how he feels about her. I know a lot of girls who would run a mile if a male friend said anything like that to them. They wouldn't even stick around to stay friends. We don't know what's going on in his head or hers but I think they need to talk for the sake of their friendship.

    I don't think it's fair to label her as someone who has a 'parachute guy' just because he likes her, she's with someone else and may or may not feel the same. Have you even stopped to think how confusing this might be for her? Trust me, it's not a nice situation to be in... Why aren't you saying that he's just reaching out for someone who's showed him emotional attachment? I know plenty of people who've done that... Men especially.

    Men and women are very different and unfortunately, we will never know what's going on in another person's mind.... but it would be so much easier if we did.
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
  • unifiedscene
    unifiedscene Posts: 462
    Sian-of-the-dead wrote:
    I could quite easily say that the guys in here are posting because most of them are bitter about the fact that, at some point, they've had their feelings hurt/hearts broken by a female friend. It's not women's fault that most men (in my experience) are so scared to show their emotions that they'd rather have them hurt than spit out how they really feel.

    Besides, the OP said that the girl knows how he feels about her. I know a lot of girls who would run a mile if a male friend said anything like that to them. They wouldn't even stick around to stay friends. We don't know what's going on in his head or hers but I think they need to talk for the sake of their friendship.

    I don't think it's fair to label her as someone who has a 'parachute guy' just because he likes her, she's with someone else and may or may not feel the same. Have you even stopped to think how confusing this might be for her? Trust me, it's not a nice situation to be in... Why aren't you saying that he's just reaching out for someone who's showed him emotional attachment? I know plenty of people who've done that... Men especially.

    Men and women are very different and unfortunately, we will never know what's going on in another person's mind.... but it would be so much easier if we did.

    That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.
    she was underwhelmed, if that's a word
  • Sian-of-the-dead
    Sian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    unifiedscene wrote:
    That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.

    I'm speaking from experience and trying to give a woman's point of view. My now boyfriend was a friend who admired me for a long time. I was kinda with someone else when I met said friend and he still told me how he felt. It screwed my head around big time. I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong, i'm just trying to point out that she isn't all to blame.
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
  • unifiedscene
    unifiedscene Posts: 462
    Sian-of-the-dead wrote:
    I'm speaking from experience and trying to give a woman's point of view. My now boyfriend was a friend who admired me for a long time. I was kinda with someone else when I met said friend and he still told me how he felt. It screwed my head around big time. I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong, i'm just trying to point out that she isn't all to blame.

    I don't think anyone here said she is to blame. I don't recall anyone calling her a heartless bitch or anything. The men here have simply been saying that they've been in that position and that it caused them a great deal of pain, and that he really needs to think hard about whether or not he truly can be ok just being a good friend. Because many hung on and DIDN'T get the outcome your bf got and it hurt like hell. There's nothing wrong with advising him to take care of himself, because in many of these cases, the friendship fades anyway once the girl does get married or whatever.

    I only took offense at the women who act like any guy who distances himself in a situation like this is some callous, selfish asshole that just wanted to get laid. Like the pain this guy might feel in his situation doesn't matter, he should just suck it up and hope that one day she decides to settle for him, regardless of the toll it takes on him.

    I personally destroyed a friendship by trying to fake it. I was madly in love with the girl, but she didn't want a relationship. I tried to be friends, but it was impossible to just ignore my feelings. It got to be so tense, we don't even speak anymore. Perhaps if I had stepped away she would have either realized she missed me and changed her mind, or I'd have had time to heal and accept and then be a truly good friend to her rather than trying to force it.
    she was underwhelmed, if that's a word
  • saveuplife
    saveuplife Posts: 1,173
    Here's a story for the OP:

    I lived with two roomates who were the best of friends. One male (let's call him Mike), one female (let's call her Nicki). Mike (one of by best friends) liked the Nicki from the outset. Nicki didn't reciprocate. They became "friends" before I lived with them as soon as Nicki moved into town as they worked together at a resteraunt. They lived with each other an additional roommate or two for three years. Anyway, I moved in eventually, after one of their roommates left because I had no where else to turn. As soon as I move in, they hook-up once. It was awkward for me, but I really didn't care because I was in a serious relationship.

    At any rate, Nicki approached me and my friend James and his wife (Sammy) one night telling us that she loved Mike, but Mike didn't want to ruin their friendship and considered the one hookup a mistake. (Ironically, this was right after she broke up with a longterm guy). I'll never forget what Sammy said to Nicki when Nicki told us this. She said, "you know, if it falls apart, you will lose all of us. We won't be aquintances or even friends because James and Saveup are best friends with Mike. Also, you may lose Mike as a friend. You are risking a lot for a guy you've become friends with for five to six years." Nicki didn't listen and she pressed Mike. Mike did like Nicki afterall, and they became serious. But, after a while, their relationship became constant bickering. They were so close beforehand, and now it was falling apart.

    After the final breakup, they had to live with one another and it was awful. I have never seen two friends become enimies like they did. Me and the rest of my friends, who had been friends with Mike since we were kids, unfortunately, had to take sides on the issue. Nicki lost atleast 75% of her friends in the area because she was introduced to all of them through Mike. She was always hanging in by herself on weekends because we were all out with Mike. She soon left to California and Mike and her still do not speak.

    *****That's just one example of this. Don't do it. Grow up and go out and find a girl that will date you from the outset.... parachute you are not and never need to be.
  • polaris
    polaris Posts: 3,527
    saveuplife wrote:
    Here's a story for the OP:

    I lived with two roomates who were the best of friends. One male (let's call him Mike), one female (let's call her Nicki). Mike (one of by best friends) liked the Nicki from the outset. Nicki didn't reciprocate. They became "friends" before I lived with them as soon as Nicki moved into town as they worked together at a resteraunt. They lived with each other an additional roommate or two for three years. Anyway, I moved in eventually, after one of their roommates left because I had no where else to turn. As soon as I move in, they hook-up once. It was awkward for me, but I really didn't care because I was in a serious relationship.

    At any rate, Nicki approached me and my friend James and his wife (Sammy) one night telling us that she loved Mike, but Mike didn't want to ruin their friendship and considered the one hookup a mistake. (Ironically, this was right after she broke up with a longterm guy). I'll never forget what Sammy said to Nicki when Nicki told us this. She said, "you know, if it falls apart, you will lose all of us. We won't be aquintances or even friends because James and Saveup are best friends with Mike. Also, you may lose Mike as a friend. You are risking a lot for a guy you've become friends with for five to six years." Nicki didn't listen and she pressed Mike. Mike did like Nicki afterall, and they became serious. But, after a while, their relationship became constant bickering. They were so close beforehand, and now it was falling apart.

    After the final breakup, they had to live with one another and it was awful. I have never seen two friends become enimies like they did. Me and the rest of my friends, who had been friends with Mike since we were kids, unfortunately, had to take sides on the issue. Nicki lost atleast 75% of her friends in the area because she was introduced to all of them through Mike. She was always hanging in by herself on weekends because we were all out with Mike. She soon left to California and Mike and her still do not speak.

    *****That's just one example of this. Don't do it. Grow up and go out and find a girl that will date you from the outset.... parachute you are not and never need to be.

    this is just the case of immature people trying to do mature things like enter into a relationship ... mature people wouldn't force people to take sides nor would they ...
  • mca47
    mca47 Posts: 13,337
    I had that with a girl while in college. It was rough.

    I think that if you've told her how you feel, she knows it and talks about her boyfriend like that...I may try to take a step back from that.
  • saveuplife
    saveuplife Posts: 1,173
    polaris wrote:
    this is just the case of immature people trying to do mature things like enter into a relationship ... mature people wouldn't force people to take sides nor would they ...

    You got to go back to MT, you just want to argue. It has nothing to do with maturity.

    Anyway, they didn't force us to take sides. We made the decision (to back our bestfriend) because, to be honest, that's what most friends do.

    Would it have been better to have both of them go out with us? IMHO that would have been quite awkward for everyone, including her.

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