Feelings for a best friend.

JordyWordy

saveuplife wrote:

You got to go back to MT, you just want to argue. It has nothing to do with maturity.

Anyway, they didn't force us to take sides. We made the decision (to back our bestfriend) because, to be honest, that's what most friends do.

Would it have been better to have both of them go out with us? IMHO that would have been quite awkward for everyone, including her.

having played the role of Mike in your story myself before, I would have been fairly shocked if our friends had picked sides (even mine). we are all still friends, and yes there were nights where me & her fought and made scenes in front of the others, but "picking sides"?

if the relationship ended as naturally as you describe, there should have been no need to pick sides. id find awkwardness better than completely losing friends over it.

but hey, diff people deal with things differently.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

unifiedscene wrote:

That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.

I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on between men and women, that's all. Think of what it's like to be a woman for a sec where 80% of the guys you meet want sex from you (ok maybe not 80%, but it probably feels that way).

I think sometimes the girl is a creep, and she would just consider it an inconvenience to not have the guy around anymore....but I think many times, it's not that at all...probably not for most of the girls responding to this. It's not a matter of convenience, it's a matter of preserving something that doesn't happen all that often: becoming really close friends with a guy (who is also not gay).

And I'd hope women can also think of what it's like to be that guy with true, honorable feelings in that situation. If you wanna be a good friend to him, you shouldn't keep him as close as you have been because that definitely can mess with his head. People are extremely vulnerable and confused in that situation, and they usually need the other person's help to make things clearer for them.

angie76

gobrowns19 wrote:

She complains about her boyfriend to you when she knows how you feel? I'm sorry, but that's low in my book.

I agree, it's kind of mean.

saveuplife

JordyWordy wrote:

having played the role of Mike in your story myself before, I would have been fairly shocked if our friends had picked sides (even mine). we are all still friends, and yes there were nights where me & her fought and made scenes in front of the others, but "picking sides"?

if the relationship ended as naturally as you describe, there should have been no need to pick sides. id find awkwardness better than completely losing friends over it.

but hey, diff people deal with things differently.

Perhaps "picking sides" was not the best way to express what occurred.

Also, Nicki was an aquantance of mine, not a friend, so I really didn't lose a friend. She was a very nice person. We were friendly to one another. I enjoyed her company. That said, I never just went out with just her for drinks or whatnot. I never called her. I was friends of hers only through Mike.

Therefore, I was not worried about "losing" a friend over it. I may not have mentioned it, but I told her that I didn't think dating Mike was a good idea because of exactly what happened. She did it anyway.

He and her continued to communicate when we lived with one another, though it was mostly yelling. I continued to act the same around her completely as I always did. The only difference was, she didn't go out with us on weekends.

And she lost contact with all of us eventually.

unifiedscene

Saturnal wrote:

I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on between men and women, that's all. Think of what it's like to be a woman for a sec where 80% of the guys you meet want sex from you (ok maybe not 80%, but it probably feels that way).

I think sometimes the girl is a creep, and she would just consider it an inconvenience to not have the guy around anymore....but I think many times, it's not that at all...probably not for most of the girls responding to this. It's not a matter of convenience, it's a matter of preserving something that doesn't happen all that often: becoming really close friends with a guy (who is also not gay).

And I'd hope women can also think of what it's like to be that guy with true, honorable feelings in that situation. If you wanna be a good friend to him, you shouldn't keep him as close as you have been because that definitely can mess with his head. People are extremely vulnerable and confused in that situation, and they usually need the other person's help to make things clearer for them.

I can accept that. I'm sure it's not easy for the girl either. I've been in the position of rejecting a friend before, and yes it is awkward and uncomfortable. My problem was with the women here acting like he's a horrible friend if he needs some time and space... like it's clear he wasn't her friend, ever and just wanted to fuck her. If he should make sacrifices to maintain the friendship by letting his feelings go, she should also make some sacrifices to make that easier for him... it's not a sign of him being a terrible friend for wanting a bit of distance, and it is kind of inconsiderate of her to complain about how awful her bf is to a guy that has told her he wants nothing more than to a good bf to her. I think her being so indifferent to his feelings and hurting them so casually makes her a bad friend and is driving him away. It's not like she turned him down and then he came on here saying she's a soulless whore that used him and he's never going to speak to her again. He's trying. She should too.

polaris

saveuplife wrote:

You got to go back to MT, you just want to argue. It has nothing to do with maturity.

Anyway, they didn't force us to take sides. We made the decision (to back our bestfriend) because, to be honest, that's what most friends do.

Would it have been better to have both of them go out with us? IMHO that would have been quite awkward for everyone, including her.

sorry ... my post wasn't meant that way really ...

my only point is if two people respect each other then if the relationship ends - they should still have respect for each other ... if they are too immature - then that's when you get the pettiness ...

when i broke up with a long term gf - all my friends stayed friends with her because i never forced them to not ... this has happened to friends of mine ... one of my best friends now is a girl who was dating a friend of mine ...

respect and maturity

yosi1

scb wrote:

I disagree with those who are saying he should cut his losses and run, or not "put up with" her talking to him like she would talk to any other friend.

If he's really her friend, he should be her friend. She should be able to talk to him about anything. He's not "putting up with" her. He shouldn't leave just because she doesn't want to get with him. What kind of friend would that make him? And why would she ever want to be with someone who turned out to not be as good a friend as she thought he was?

All of the serious, long-term relationships I've ever been in have started kind of like this. We were friends first, usually best friends. Sometimes they hit on me and I said I just wanted to be friends and continued to talk to them like I did before. Eventually I fell in love with them, because they were such good friends. These are the kinds of relationships, for me anyway, that are lasting and real - not the "if you don't want to fuck me, I don't want to be your friend" kind.

Well said.

It may hurt to hear about her relationships and not be with her. But, if she is really important to you as a friend, and not just in a romantic way, than you need to stick it out. That's what real friends do.

She should be sensitive to your feelings, but at the same time don't dump her as a friend because she doesn't want to be with you. She can't control that. You just have to do your best to try and get over her and she can definitely help you in that department - maybe hooking you up with one of her friends that you like.

The Juggler

are you and her on the same period cycle, alice?

muiren77

gobrowns19 wrote:

She complains about her boyfriend to you when she knows how you feel? I'm sorry, but that's low in my book.

angie76 wrote:

I agree, it's kind of mean.

+1

how uncharitable the girl is? if she is really a friend at least she should consider how the guy feels everytime she talks or complains about her bf...

suns rival

muiren77 wrote:

+1

how uncharitable the girl is? if she is really a friend at least she should consider how the guy feels everytime she talks or complains about her bf...

so, you're now a love doctor, huh...:D

muiren77

suns rival wrote:

so, you're now a love doctor, huh...:D

nah, haven't finished my Ph.D. units yet...:D

Jeremys Spoken

She is one of the greatest persons I have ever met. Nothing will change that.

Motown322

This isn't gonna end well...

OP, I'm not sure how old you are but I'm guessing you're still pretty young (HS maybe)... I'm not saying that to rag on you or anything, but take it from a lot of guys in this thread that have been in the exact same position (and said the same exact shit) before: take a step back. When you say stuff like "she is one of the greatest persons [sic] I have ever met. Nothing will change that", I cringe. Don't put her on a pedestal... otherwise you're going to spend years pining over some chick that doesn't feel the same about you as you feel about her.

You've already established yourself as the guy who she can go to when she needs to vent about the guy she's currently banging... it's very hard to undo that.

JordyWordy

Motown322 wrote:

You've already established yourself as the guy who she can go to when she needs to vent about the guy she's currently banging... it's very hard to undo that.

Good point.

Although that being said, a drunken revelations of true feelings AGAIN could be a good way to undo it.

Seriously OP - if you at least look for other girls instead of waiting around, then your girl will be forced to think about whether she likes you. I dont mean stop being a friend - just not a lingering, so easily accesible one.

It could be like Sian & dave...she could realise exactly what she wants, or it could be opposite. Key thing here is you have made the important step of telling her. Its up to her now. In the mean time, at least if you go on dates with someone else it will make u notice things that you do and dont like about your girl.

Trust me, go out and meet other people - dont necissarily have to do anything with em - chat, flirt, kiss, drink, eat, fuck, go out to pubs/cinemas/comedy shows - whatever - just get a fresh perspective.


It could completely re-inforce your feelings for this girl, or you could meet someone else you like. Either way, its good for you.

Even couples who have been together a long time even sometimes need time apart to realise & freshly appreciate what theyve got. Your head can get clouded without it. Not cos youre young, cos your human.

catefrances

unifiedscene wrote:

I can accept that. I'm sure it's not easy for the girl either. I've been in the position of rejecting a friend before, and yes it is awkward and uncomfortable. My problem was with the women here acting like he's a horrible friend if he needs some time and space... like it's clear he wasn't her friend, ever and just wanted to fuck her. If he should make sacrifices to maintain the friendship by letting his feelings go, she should also make some sacrifices to make that easier for him... it's not a sign of him being a terrible friend for wanting a bit of distance, and it is kind of inconsiderate of her to complain about how awful her bf is to a guy that has told her he wants nothing more than to a good bf to her. I think her being so indifferent to his feelings and hurting them so casually makes her a bad friend and is driving him away. It's not like she turned him down and then he came on here saying she's a soulless whore that used him and he's never going to speak to her again. He's trying. She should too.

you know what? if i were the guy i would have walked before now. if id have told my best friend i had feelings for her and she continued to tell me all about her love life and all thats hit i couldnt handle it. and i shouldnt be expected to. i would tell her straight out i couldnt hear about others guys in her life because it aches. she might not be able to accept that and think im being a bad friend but fuck it. its about self preservation here not sucking on my own soul so my best friend can cry on my shoulder knwoing full well the feelings i have for her. it sux.

JordyWordy

catefrances wrote:

you know what? if i were the guy i would have walked before now. if id have told my best friend i had feelings for her and she continued to tell me all about her love life and all thats hit i couldnt handle it. and i shouldnt be expected to. i would tell her straight out i couldnt hear about others guys in her life because it aches. she might not be able to accept that and think im being a bad friend but fuck it. its about self preservation here not sucking on my own soul so my best friend can cry on my shoulder knwoing full well the feelings i have for her. it sux.

earlier in the thread U made the point about when this happens in reverse (ie girl fancies guy who isnt interested)....and ur totally right.

a few girls ive been close friends with eventually asked me out, and i wasnt interested. i tried to be nice about it. its hard for me to understand any reason why this girl would continue talking about her relationships to him....i wouldnt have dreamed of doing that to them girls? i got along great with em, and no i didnt fancy them, but i sure as shit would not rabbit on about my sex/love life to them after it....it is rubbing salt in a wound. no matter what spin u put on it about being a good friend.

i didnt want to insult them by turning them down, but i think it would have been even more offensive to rub it in their faces by discussing my gfs with em afterwards?

now i think about it im getting even less sympathetic to this girl than i was before.

Motown322

It's one thing for the girl to continue talking about it... it's quite another for the OP to welcome the discussion and sit around and take part in it.

That's part of the reason why I'm getting the impression he's pretty young... I don't think he knows any better and he thinks that being the nice guy and being a doormat for this chick is going to make her one day wake up and realize what she's missing. She knows what she's missing because she chose to "stay friends" after he spilled his guts to her.

stickboy

Having feelings or being in love with a best friend is fucking tough. Having gone thur it and still go thru it with many of my female friends, the thing that I've realized and even a few of my friends have fessed up to this is this: Most girls will keep a guy best friend mostly because the current bf or whatever is not providing all the attention or affection and other lil things that a best friend will. Its kinda like that Chris Rock Platonic Friend joke...we're the "In case of emergency Break glass" friends

It sucks cause you hate to see someone you love make bad decisions in regards to who they date... esp knowing that the person you love is the one for you

good luck with it Jeremy and whoever has to go thru this

locked

unifiedscene wrote:

That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.

absolutely brilliant !

Stone Is God

stickboy wrote:

Most girls will keep a guy best friend mostly because the current bf or whatever is not providing all the attention or affection and other lil things that a best friend will. Its kinda like that Chris Rock Platonic Friend joke...we're the "In case of emergency Break glass" friends

100% true. I went through the same mess. I knew this girl was engaged and we ended up hooking up. We hooked up on and off until one night we ended up having sex. She then proceeds to tell me that she really wants to give it an effort with her fiance. From that point on we went from talking just about every day till now we barely even talk.

It doesn't matter to me because I ended up seeing that all she needed me for was a crutch because her relationship was a shitty one. It's tough to see that when you're actually a part of it though.