Feelings for a best friend.

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  • muiren77muiren77 Posts: 3,511
    suns rival wrote:
    so, you're now a love doctor, huh...:D

    nah, haven't finished my Ph.D. units yet...:D
    what is essential is invisible to the eye

    apparently, 07162056 is THE date...
  • She is one of the greatest persons I have ever met. Nothing will change that.
    2008 - MSG 6/24-6/25
    2010 - Newark 5/18 MSG 5/21
    2011 - PJ20 9/3-9/4
    2012 - MIA Festival 9/2
    2013 - Wrigley Field 7/19 Brooklyn 10/18-10/19 Philly 10/22
    2015 - Colbert show - 9/23 Global Citizens Festival 9/26
    2016 - Philly 4/28-4/29 MSG 5/1-5/2



  • This isn't gonna end well...

    OP, I'm not sure how old you are but I'm guessing you're still pretty young (HS maybe)... I'm not saying that to rag on you or anything, but take it from a lot of guys in this thread that have been in the exact same position (and said the same exact shit) before: take a step back. When you say stuff like "she is one of the greatest persons [sic] I have ever met. Nothing will change that", I cringe. Don't put her on a pedestal... otherwise you're going to spend years pining over some chick that doesn't feel the same about you as you feel about her.

    You've already established yourself as the guy who she can go to when she needs to vent about the guy she's currently banging... it's very hard to undo that.
  • JordyWordyJordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    Motown322 wrote:
    You've already established yourself as the guy who she can go to when she needs to vent about the guy she's currently banging... it's very hard to undo that.

    Good point.

    Although that being said, a drunken revelations of true feelings AGAIN could be a good way to undo it. ;)

    Seriously OP - if you at least look for other girls instead of waiting around, then your girl will be forced to think about whether she likes you. I dont mean stop being a friend - just not a lingering, so easily accesible one.

    It could be like Sian & dave...she could realise exactly what she wants, or it could be opposite. Key thing here is you have made the important step of telling her. Its up to her now. In the mean time, at least if you go on dates with someone else it will make u notice things that you do and dont like about your girl.

    Trust me, go out and meet other people - dont necissarily have to do anything with em - chat, flirt, kiss, drink, eat, fuck, go out to pubs/cinemas/comedy shows - whatever - just get a fresh perspective.


    It could completely re-inforce your feelings for this girl, or you could meet someone else you like. Either way, its good for you.

    Even couples who have been together a long time even sometimes need time apart to realise & freshly appreciate what theyve got. Your head can get clouded without it. Not cos youre young, cos your human.
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    I can accept that. I'm sure it's not easy for the girl either. I've been in the position of rejecting a friend before, and yes it is awkward and uncomfortable. My problem was with the women here acting like he's a horrible friend if he needs some time and space... like it's clear he wasn't her friend, ever and just wanted to fuck her. If he should make sacrifices to maintain the friendship by letting his feelings go, she should also make some sacrifices to make that easier for him... it's not a sign of him being a terrible friend for wanting a bit of distance, and it is kind of inconsiderate of her to complain about how awful her bf is to a guy that has told her he wants nothing more than to a good bf to her. I think her being so indifferent to his feelings and hurting them so casually makes her a bad friend and is driving him away. It's not like she turned him down and then he came on here saying she's a soulless whore that used him and he's never going to speak to her again. He's trying. She should too.

    you know what? if i were the guy i would have walked before now. if id have told my best friend i had feelings for her and she continued to tell me all about her love life and all thats hit i couldnt handle it. and i shouldnt be expected to. i would tell her straight out i couldnt hear about others guys in her life because it aches. she might not be able to accept that and think im being a bad friend but fuck it. its about self preservation here not sucking on my own soul so my best friend can cry on my shoulder knwoing full well the feelings i have for her. it sux.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • JordyWordyJordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    you know what? if i were the guy i would have walked before now. if id have told my best friend i had feelings for her and she continued to tell me all about her love life and all thats hit i couldnt handle it. and i shouldnt be expected to. i would tell her straight out i couldnt hear about others guys in her life because it aches. she might not be able to accept that and think im being a bad friend but fuck it. its about self preservation here not sucking on my own soul so my best friend can cry on my shoulder knwoing full well the feelings i have for her. it sux.

    earlier in the thread U made the point about when this happens in reverse (ie girl fancies guy who isnt interested)....and ur totally right.

    a few girls ive been close friends with eventually asked me out, and i wasnt interested. i tried to be nice about it. its hard for me to understand any reason why this girl would continue talking about her relationships to him....i wouldnt have dreamed of doing that to them girls? i got along great with em, and no i didnt fancy them, but i sure as shit would not rabbit on about my sex/love life to them after it....it is rubbing salt in a wound. no matter what spin u put on it about being a good friend.

    i didnt want to insult them by turning them down, but i think it would have been even more offensive to rub it in their faces by discussing my gfs with em afterwards?

    now i think about it im getting even less sympathetic to this girl than i was before.
  • It's one thing for the girl to continue talking about it... it's quite another for the OP to welcome the discussion and sit around and take part in it.

    That's part of the reason why I'm getting the impression he's pretty young... I don't think he knows any better and he thinks that being the nice guy and being a doormat for this chick is going to make her one day wake up and realize what she's missing. She knows what she's missing because she chose to "stay friends" after he spilled his guts to her.
  • stickboystickboy Posts: 2,981
    Having feelings or being in love with a best friend is fucking tough. Having gone thur it and still go thru it with many of my female friends, the thing that I've realized and even a few of my friends have fessed up to this is this: Most girls will keep a guy best friend mostly because the current bf or whatever is not providing all the attention or affection and other lil things that a best friend will. Its kinda like that Chris Rock Platonic Friend joke...we're the "In case of emergency Break glass" friends

    It sucks cause you hate to see someone you love make bad decisions in regards to who they date... esp knowing that the person you love is the one for you

    good luck with it Jeremy and whoever has to go thru this
    Aah, fuck it, I’m just gonna go home, turn on the fuckin’ TV...
    Watch the nightly news and drink a beer...
    Like I could even change the world, yeah right...
    ************************************
  • lockedlocked Boston Posts: 4,039
    That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.

    absolutely brilliant !
    "This here's a REQUEST!"
    EV intro to Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns
    10/25/13 Hartford
  • stickboy wrote:
    Most girls will keep a guy best friend mostly because the current bf or whatever is not providing all the attention or affection and other lil things that a best friend will. Its kinda like that Chris Rock Platonic Friend joke...we're the "In case of emergency Break glass" friends

    100% true. I went through the same mess. I knew this girl was engaged and we ended up hooking up. We hooked up on and off until one night we ended up having sex. She then proceeds to tell me that she really wants to give it an effort with her fiance. From that point on we went from talking just about every day till now we barely even talk.

    It doesn't matter to me because I ended up seeing that all she needed me for was a crutch because her relationship was a shitty one. It's tough to see that when you're actually a part of it though.
    I'll ride the wave where it takes me.
  • stickboystickboy Posts: 2,981
    100% true. I went through the same mess. I knew this girl was engaged and we ended up hooking up. We hooked up on and off until one night we ended up having sex. She then proceeds to tell me that she really wants to give it an effort with her fiance. From that point on we went from talking just about every day till now we barely even talk.

    It doesn't matter to me because I ended up seeing that all she needed me for was a crutch because her relationship was a shitty one. It's tough to see that when you're actually a part of it though.
    Thank you. Thats the word I ws looking for. Crutch. And obviously if the relationship wasnt shitty there would be no need for a guy friend or a crutch but thats just how it is. Its like a backup plan just in case.
    Aah, fuck it, I’m just gonna go home, turn on the fuckin’ TV...
    Watch the nightly news and drink a beer...
    Like I could even change the world, yeah right...
    ************************************
  • muiren77muiren77 Posts: 3,511
    to the OP, how do you feel everytime the girl talks about who she is hooking up with?
    why don't ask her how she would feel if it's the other way around? let her put herself in your shoes and see how she feels...
    what is essential is invisible to the eye

    apparently, 07162056 is THE date...
  • arielariel Posts: 191
    Interesting.

    Some very sage words and nice ways of putting them from the guys in here.
    You guys can be very thoughtful when you want - I hope you're all in much better situations now :)


    women are always spot on so I don't need to commend them ;) lol
    Creating walls to call your own
    So no one catches you?
  • stickboystickboy Posts: 2,981
    ariel wrote:
    Interesting.

    Some very sage words and nice ways of putting them from the guys in here.
    You guys can be very thoughtful when you want - I hope you're all in much better situations now :)


    women are always spot on so I don't to commend them ;) lol
    hey...you know? if its one thing I never lacked in was being thoughtful and considerate to my female friends...and they are still like friends to me. Theres maybe one or 2 that I would actually consider making my lady but I know my thoughtfullness and being considerate and everything that the bf is not isnt gonna get me anywhere or anything but trouble, lol
    Aah, fuck it, I’m just gonna go home, turn on the fuckin’ TV...
    Watch the nightly news and drink a beer...
    Like I could even change the world, yeah right...
    ************************************
  • lockedlocked Boston Posts: 4,039
    its like the scene in the movie "when harry met sally":

    Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally Albright: Why not?
    Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: You only think you do.
    Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
    Sally Albright: They do not.
    Harry Burns: Do too.
    Sally Albright: They do not.
    Harry Burns: Do too.
    Sally Albright: How do you know?
    Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
    Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
    Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    "This here's a REQUEST!"
    EV intro to Chloe Dancer / Crown of Thorns
    10/25/13 Hartford
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    JordyWordy wrote:
    ...i didnt want to insult them by turning them down, but i think it would have been even more offensive to rub it in their faces by discussing my gfs with em afterwards? ...

    why would you think you were insulting them by turning them down?

    you know guys there are a lot of girls who appreciate honesty. dont beat around the bush, just tell it to us straight cause we can handle it. sure you might get some psycho bitch who wants to boil your bunny but dont judge the many by the few. were more insulted when you lie to us, even under the guise of 'letting us down gently'.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    That's my point. He told her how he feels, she rejected him. But the men are all supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she's just confused, while all the women here say that if he keeps some distance from her to protect his feelings from being hurt more, it's a sure sign he's a terrible friend that only wanted to use her or fuck her or he's pathetically grasping after any emotional support? The men here are speaking from experience based on the pain they've suffered of falling for a girl that didn't want them like that. The women here are speaking only to what an inconvenience it is for them to lose a friend, and how much pain it causes him to maintain that is irrelevant.
    +10
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • JordyWordyJordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    why would you think you were insulting them by turning them down?

    you know guys there are a lot of girls who appreciate honesty. dont beat around the bush, just tell it to us straight cause we can handle it. sure you might get some psycho bitch who wants to boil your bunny but dont judge the many by the few. were more insulted when you lie to us, even under the guise of 'letting us down gently'.

    well, i wasnt generalising about girls, it was specifically about the girls i had this with.
    so yeah, you are completely right, most people (not just girls) appreciate honesty.

    its not that i think id offended them, they quite clearly told me that i had.2 very close friends, they thought id led them on, (i hadnt meant to), etc. they dont talk to me anymore. They didnt appreciate the honesty, but fuckit, it was how it was.

    yep, some girls appreciate honesty. and some get offended/hurt. i wasnt lying...like has already been said its just an awkward thing to go through and ultimately tests whether you really are just good mates or not. these girls didnt see me as a mate & now they dont talk to me anymore.

    it was weird, but its happened before & itll happen again. life goes on i suppose..
  • I've got some good advice in this thread. Thanks guys.

    I will remain great friends with her. I really don't mind it. Im currently kinda sorta with someone at the moment anyway. Just those feelings are still there. It's like a movie two people once so close, go separate ways, one day they pass by with their new mates, and they turn around when they walk a little bit past each other. Then turn back around.
    2008 - MSG 6/24-6/25
    2010 - Newark 5/18 MSG 5/21
    2011 - PJ20 9/3-9/4
    2012 - MIA Festival 9/2
    2013 - Wrigley Field 7/19 Brooklyn 10/18-10/19 Philly 10/22
    2015 - Colbert show - 9/23 Global Citizens Festival 9/26
    2016 - Philly 4/28-4/29 MSG 5/1-5/2



  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    JordyWordy wrote:
    well, i wasnt generalising about girls, it was specifically about the girls i had this with.
    so yeah, you are completely right, most people (not just girls) appreciate honesty.

    its not that i think id offended them, they quite clearly told me that i had.2 very close friends, they thought id led them on, (i hadnt meant to), etc. they dont talk to me anymore. They didnt appreciate the honesty, but fuckit, it was how it was.

    yep, some girls appreciate honesty. and some get offended/hurt. i wasnt lying...like has already been said its just an awkward thing to go through and ultimately tests whether you really are just good mates or not. these girls didnt see me as a mate & now they dont talk to me anymore.

    it was weird, but its happened before & itll happen again. life goes on i suppose..

    i think perhaps some girls think that cause a guy is friends with them that in their minds the guy is always thinking there just might be a chance for soemthing more. and when the girl acts on that and the guy rejects them(cause he seriously just wnats to be friends), their ego cant take it and they project their wrong assumptions back onto the guy in the form of hostility.

    just a thought. :)
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Well I was "that girl" for about 3 years. My best friend was in love with me but I was completely clueless. I never knew how he felt. In hindsight he did an amazing job of hiding it! He told me later he was scared if he said something he'd scare me away or that things would never be the same between us. He sat by as I dated a guy for about 2 1/2 years until I finally ended things with that guy. It was a rough break-up but after a few months I told him I thought I was ready to start dating again & it was at that moment he told me how he felt. He told me he couldn't sit back & watch me get into another serious relationship. He told me that he hoped I could see him as more than just a friend b/c he had feelings for me. I was STUNNED. It weirded me out for a while & I was even a little angry at first (I was, exactly as he suspected, worried that he'd ruined our friendship by telling me this) However things eventually became less weird between us & I finally had a what the hell type moment where I decided to just throw caution to the wind (That moment came when he caught me off-guard & kissed me. Instead of getting angry my knees started to buckle & I took that as a sign that maybe there was something there after all! LOL!) So I agreed to go out with him. He waited a while to tell me he was in love with me & by then I realized I was in love with him too. That was two years ago. We've been together ever since & I've never been happier. In fact I can't believe I wasted all that time NOT being with him.

    In short sometimes these things do work out even if the girl is too blind to realize it at the time ;)

    Oh...and FYI...We got engaged this summer :)
  • JordyWordyJordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    i think perhaps some girls think that cause a guy is friends with them that in their minds the guy is always thinking there just might be a chance for soemthing more. and when the girl acts on that and the guy rejects them(cause he seriously just wnats to be friends), their ego cant take it and they project their wrong assumptions back onto the guy in the form of hostility.

    just a thought. :)

    well put. and like i said, thats why i didnt want to hurt their feelings / ego. you worded it a LOT better though :)
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    JordyWordy wrote:
    well put. and like i said, thats why i didnt want to hurt their feelings / ego. you worded it a LOT better though :)

    tis what i do. ;):D
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • JordyWordyJordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    I've got some good advice in this thread. Thanks guys.

    I will remain great friends with her. I really don't mind it. Im currently kinda sorta with someone at the moment anyway. Just those feelings are still there. It's like a movie two people once so close, go separate ways, one day they pass by with their new mates, and they turn around when they walk a little bit past each other. Then turn back around.


    Ahhh, you are kinda with someone else and still have it regardless...well fair play to you anyways, good luck with the whole thing & dont let it get you down.
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