Should this bother me, or am I overreacting?

catch22 · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

Nah, I've been hurt for 8 years, been in and out of physical therapy, and the more painful massage therapy. I went to PT today steamed. and yes, it did go over very well......But since the 2 year old was in the room, I just took my simmering frustration to the basement, and did some laundry, then split, to go get some groceries. Coming home to find her asleep on the couch, and the 2 year old sitting in the bay window, very much awake, that didn't help.

there goes my attempt at psychotherapy

Fighting Hellfish · September 2008

catch22 wrote:

there goes my attempt at psychotherapy

it was a good try. Thanks for playing.

Sprunkn7 · September 2008

Easiest solution, tell her your uncomfortable with it. If her response isn't what you want to hear, find a reasonable medium. Maybe she can keep in touch but in a "hows the weather where you are" kinda way. Seems like she isn't hiding it. If my bf told me who I could and couldn't talk to, regardless if it was a past relationship I would be none to pleased, so be gentle!

lalalalaaaaaaaa · September 2008

I'd say you're overreacting, yea. A few friendly emails isn't something to get upset about. You can't expect her to do the same thing you'd do if an ex-girlfriend messaged you. You mentioned having respect...maybe you need to have some respect for her and trust her to be able to talk to an ex-boyfriend without it leading to anything that would betray your marriage.

petrocs · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

So my wife is on this website, LinkedIn, She gets an e-mail from an ex boyfriend from her college days, 11 years ago. She shows me the first e-mail, saying she couldn't believe it. So I figure she'll put a quick kibosh on this, especially considering this guy cheated on her. Well last night I grab the laptop to check some baseball scores, and her e-mail is open to an e-mail from this guy. Friendly chit chat, she tells him "it really was great to hear from you". Even tells him that it's not weird that he emails her out of the blue, which he admitted, especially since he's married and he knows that sh'es married. It happens again tonight. Another e-mail exchange. I'm really mad about this.

First off, I would never consider chatting up an ex-girlfriend. It would be disrespectful to my wife. especially an ex who cheated on me. Lt alone leave it open ona computer I use all the time.

Second, with her work schedule, and 2 kids under 2 1/2, we don't have much time for each other. Yet she finds time catch up with some asshole who cheated on her

This has me really up in arms. I slept on the couch last night, and will do so again tonight. It's something I would never even think about doing to her. i have an ex GF named Pam. When we were first dating, and then married, she didn't like it when I would ask her to hand me the cooking spray Pam. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I think she should have some self respect, and tell this ass to fuck off, and that he blew it by cheating on her.

It is totally disrespectful of her and she should stop it immediately. I totally understand your frustration. As a matter of fact I just went through a similar situation with my fiance and I told her I didnt like it and she stopped immediately. No fight just friendly conversation and it ended. Now you might catch some flack for reading her email but thats no big deal..she should understand a tad.

justam · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

So my wife is on this website, LinkedIn, She gets an e-mail from an ex boyfriend from her college days, 11 years ago. She shows me the first e-mail, saying she couldn't believe it. So I figure she'll put a quick kibosh on this, especially considering this guy cheated on her. Well last night I grab the laptop to check some baseball scores, and her e-mail is open to an e-mail from this guy. Friendly chit chat, she tells him "it really was great to hear from you". Even tells him that it's not weird that he emails her out of the blue, which he admitted, especially since he's married and he knows that sh'es married. It happens again tonight. Another e-mail exchange. I'm really mad about this.

First off, I would never consider chatting up an ex-girlfriend. It would be disrespectful to my wife. especially an ex who cheated on me. Lt alone leave it open ona computer I use all the time.

Second, with her work schedule, and 2 kids under 2 1/2, we don't have much time for each other. Yet she finds time catch up with some asshole who cheated on her

This has me really up in arms. I slept on the couch last night, and will do so again tonight. It's something I would never even think about doing to her. i have an ex GF named Pam. When we were first dating, and then married, she didn't like it when I would ask her to hand me the cooking spray Pam. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I think she should have some self respect, and tell this ass to fuck off, and that he blew it by cheating on her.

Keep an eye on it.

I think it could be nothing, but it could turn into something. I think you're right that it would have been appropriate for her to be a bit less friendly and set a boundary right away.

If you don't want to fuel any negative feelings between the two of you I'd be careful about running to sleep on the couch. Distance between you will give a third person room to put a wedge in between you and your wife. Don't be stupid enough to give the guy room to squeeze in.

Rygar · September 2008

I think you're overreacting a little. She's not trying to hide it from you and she's not planning a meet up or anything like that, just politely answering his emails.

meme · September 2008

Wow... I positively think it's not a big deal. I think it's you being disrespectful for assuming things about her. You really need to talk calmly like grownups

Best of luck to you. Sounds like it's time to get to feelings talk

OffHeGoes29 · September 2008

I had the same problem with my last GF, but it was with more than one guy. All you can do is tell her how you feel WITH OUT LOOSING YOUR COOL. Anything after that is out of your hands. You can't control this. I know you built a life together and have kids, but shit, you can only do so much. Let her talk to that ass hole all she wants, and if the worst case happens to you, well shes fucking stupid for making that mistake.

Just come out and lay it on the table.....and thats it. If she doesn't change, well go on with your life but just be aware of your situation. ALL MEN don't contact ex's unless they are looking for a second chance or a quicky. I can't speak for women, but I've never known a guy to be different in this aspect. I just find it funny that women don't seem to pick up on this? Or if they do, why they have to pretend like its different?

Yellow Ledbelly · September 2008

catch22 wrote:

there's no reason to think he's trying to rekindle things, so the fact that he cheated on her is irrelevant.

I don't know about that. My cousin's wife was contacted out of the blue by an old boyfriend with the same kind of chit chat the OP described. My cuz protested...the wifey said theres nothing to it and ol' Johnny just wanted someone to talk to.....cuz told her just to wait and see. So, cuz gets home one day and wifey said "You were right about ol' Johnny."

Situations differ, but an ex usually doesn't connect an old flame out of the blue just for the sake of chit chat...especially not a dude

Sian-of-the-dead · September 2008

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Situations differ, but an ex usually doesn't connect an old flame out of the blue just for the sake of chit chat...especially not a dude

I agree.

Personally I wouldn't be too happy about it, especially if you've made it clear that she has little time for you but finds enough time to chit chat to him.

I wouldn't say you're overreacting, I would say your acting according to your emotions. However, you do need to stop arguing and discuss this in a mature way... Sleeping on the couch won't help anyone. Explain to her how you're feeling and ask her if she's happy in your relationship... If you don't know about problems, how can you begin to fix them?

Fighting Hellfish · September 2008

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

I don't know about that. My cousin's wife was contacted out of the blue by an old boyfriend with the same kind of chit chat the OP described. My cuz protested...the wifey said theres nothing to it and ol' Johnny just wanted someone to talk to.....cuz told her just to wait and see. So, cuz gets home one day and wifey said "You were right about ol' Johnny."

Situations differ, but an ex usually doesn't connect an old flame out of the blue just for the sake of chit chat...especially not a dude

that's what I told her to expect. It will start off all friendly, catching up. And then one day, it will be----hey, i'm gonna be in town next month for business (or family), we should get together for a cup of coffee.......

Fighting Hellfish · September 2008

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

I agree.

Personally I wouldn't be too happy about it, especially if you've made it clear that she has little time for you but finds enough time to chit chat to him.

I wouldn't say you're overreacting, I would say your acting according to your emotions. However, you do need to stop arguing and discuss this in a mature way... Sleeping on the couch won't help anyone. Explain to her how you're feeling and ask her if she's happy in your relationship... If you don't know about problems, how can you begin to fix them?

that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"

Yellow Ledbelly · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

that's what I told her to expect. It will start off all friendly, catching up. And then one day, it will be----hey, i'm gonna be in town next month for business (or family), we should get together for a cup of coffee.......

That's exactly what happened in my cousin's situation. The question you have to ask yourself, in my opinion, is how well you trust your wife. If you trust that she would never cheat on you, like my cousin did, then give it time and she will see, but if you think there is a chance she might be lured into something then sit her down and talk about it as rationally as possible as another poster suggested.......what the hell do I know though. I'm not married!

g under p · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"

Well ya gotta start somwhere and it appears you've become very comfortable speaking here about sports. So talk about it with the one that's closest to you.

Peace

comebackwoman · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

So my wife is on this website, LinkedIn, She gets an e-mail from an ex boyfriend from her college days, 11 years ago. She shows me the first e-mail, saying she couldn't believe it. So I figure she'll put a quick kibosh on this, especially considering this guy cheated on her. Well last night I grab the laptop to check some baseball scores, and her e-mail is open to an e-mail from this guy. Friendly chit chat, she tells him "it really was great to hear from you". Even tells him that it's not weird that he emails her out of the blue, which he admitted, especially since he's married and he knows that sh'es married. It happens again tonight. Another e-mail exchange. I'm really mad about this.

First off, I would never consider chatting up an ex-girlfriend. It would be disrespectful to my wife. especially an ex who cheated on me. Lt alone leave it open ona computer I use all the time.

Second, with her work schedule, and 2 kids under 2 1/2, we don't have much time for each other. Yet she finds time catch up with some asshole who cheated on her

This has me really up in arms. I slept on the couch last night, and will do so again tonight. It's something I would never even think about doing to her. i have an ex GF named Pam. When we were first dating, and then married, she didn't like it when I would ask her to hand me the cooking spray Pam. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I think she should have some self respect, and tell this ass to fuck off, and that he blew it by cheating on her.

It doesn't really matter whether or not this should bother you - it does bother you - and that's what matters. Different people may or may not be bothered by this based on their past experiences and a number of other factors. You've done a good job about explaining why it bothers you in this thread - so now share what you've said on here with your wife. She's the one you have to work this out with. And try telling her in a way that will make it possible for her to actually hear what you're saying, rather than getting defensive or arguing about something else (i.e. snide comments may just make her tune you out). Talking about this stuff is probably not very comfortable for most people - but a little discomfort probably means you're growing. Good luck.

Danimal · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"

Hahaha you sound like me except I'm a yeller. My gf is a yeller too so it's all fair. I'm Irish too.

Just say that the situation is making you uncomfortable and you wouldn't do this to her. Also, throw in the fact that you trust her...just not him.

catch22 · September 2008

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"

i'm a big snide commenter. it doesn't usually work for me. just pisses her off and makes her defensive, which makes her less willing to give up because she knows it bothers you and it's a way to get back for you hurting her by the snide comments. i try to avoid doing it now.

one day i'm going to contact my ex and i truly hope to be able to break up her marriage and sleep with her again. but i'm pretty sure she's got too much character for that. i'm sure your wife is the same.

somebody made the good point that handling it this way could backfire. there's something in high fidelity about turning 'a pair of people in a mess into a unit' because you act like a jerk and it brings them together. if you keep with the snide comments and sleeping on the couch, she could start complaining to him about how you're acting, he returns the favor about his wife, they start venting frustrations about how they deserve better, start to feel they understand each other and can share more than she can share with you... and voila, affair. i know, i've used wedges like this to break people up. don't give him that chance.

riffrandall · September 2008

It's a big deal. Not from your wife's perspective, but it is totally true that guys do not get in touch with their ex-whatevers- girlfriends/ wives.. unless they have an agenda of some kind.

My first love lives in South Dakota. We had a ridiculously bad & painful breakup. I live on both coasts & am in the Midwest almost never, so this guy has no earthly reason to contact me. He's been married since the year after we broke up, when he knocked up some skank at a keg party.

Now I'll get emails from him when "things aren't going so well." Or when he wants to remind me that "marriage is a long haul" and that "life with me would've been sweet."

You've got to tell her how you feel, and I'd put a stop to it now. Emailing the dude in the next cube at work is one thing. A long lost love coming out of the blue after many years? That's trouble.
End it.
PS I would sleep on the couch, too & I'm not even Irish. I might even go to a friend's house.

eyedclaar · September 2008

Danimal wrote:

Hahaha you sound like me except I'm a yeller. My gf is a yeller too so it's all fair. I'm Irish too.

Just say that the situation is making you uncomfortable and you wouldn't do this to her. Also, throw in the fact that you trust her...just not him.

Irish and Cherokee here. That's right, I was born with a bottle of whiskey in my hands... and a black eye. Pretty sure I killed my twin while still in the womb, but that's another story. I will say that I have never found any excuse to get in touch with the ex girls although some of them have got in touch with me. Out of respect for my wife and the fact I have no desire to see or talk to them, I respond in a somewhat terse manner indicating I'm not interested in ongoing communications. More like, glad to know you're still breathing now leave me alone.

Should this bother me, or am I overreacting?

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