Should this bother me, or am I overreacting?

Fighting Hellfish

eyedclaar wrote:

Ok, I guess I'll be serious for one second.

Here's my take.

Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people.quote]


can't say you're entirely wrong there

_

riffrandall wrote:

Because they can't. I think the one caveat to this is if they knew each other growing up, were buddies & then dated & then had an OK breakup that just came out of the two of them drifting apart.

Actually you know what? Scratch that. People you have a history with on this level can't come back and decide to be all buddy-buddy with you after you are married to someone else. It's totally disrespectful.
And for the ex girlfriend, or in this case, the spouse, to think that this is in any way tolerable? Give me a break.

I know Long Island boys, and they don't generally marry shrinking violets. My guess is if the tables were reversed, and there were emails from an ex-girlfriend? That girl would have her eyes scratched out by now.

Put an end to it.
If she gets flattered by the fact that you are bothered by it, run for your life. This is not a "cute" situation, it's not flattery. Some dude is moving in on your territory.
Turns out- he's still an asshole.

Wow. This kind of stuff just reminds me of how happy I am to be single (so not only do I not have to deal with jealous boyfriends but I also don't have to be thought of as anyone's "territory").

I've been in relationships where being friends with the ex was accepted as well as in some where it wasn't. In hind sight I've learned that being "forbidden" from having certain friends is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship. (Not to judge the OP's relationship specifically.) It's not the kind of relationship I would like to spend a lifetime in anyway.

I was once in a relationship where I trusted the guy to be friends with whomever he wanted, but he didn't trust any of my male friends at all. He was always jealous and made a point to call all my male friends Sancho. He said I may not have any romantic/sexual interest in them now, but they were like a "penis in a glass box: just break in case of emergency". I never understood why he didn't trust me, but it was really hurtful to me and damaging to the relationship. Turns out he didn't trust me because HE wasn't trustworthy so he just expected me to be like him. (Once again, no judgement about the OP.)

It's sad to hear all the men saying that men can't be "just friends" with women, including their ex-girlfriends. And yet many of the women (I don't know who all is what gender) say it's no problem. I try to be trusting of the men I'm with and not stereotype them based on the actions of other men. But if you guys are saying you're all alike in this regard, I think I'll just stay single. :(

The Champ

I don't get it..just tell her to cut the shit out or you'll fuck her sister ..

Fighting Hellfish

The Champ wrote:

I don't get it..just tell her to cut the shit out or you'll fuck her sister ..

that would be punishment for me, believe me.

Yellow Ledbelly

scb wrote:

It's sad to hear all the men saying that men can't be "just friends" with women, including their ex-girlfriends. And yet many of the women (I don't know who all is what gender) say it's no problem. I try to be trusting of the men I'm with and not stereotype them based on the actions of other men. But if you guys are saying you're all alike in this regard, I think I'll just stay single. :(

Well, I am one the guys who believes there is probably more than chit chat on the mind of the ex in most cases like this one, but the two best friends I have in the world are females. I have been friends with one since elementary school, was the "man of honor" for her at her wedding, have traveled and spent days on end with her and her husband and am the godfather of their first born. She made it clear to him -- and every other boyfriend she ever had -- that I wasn't going anywhere, so if it was a problem for them to have a nice life without her.
The other one, however, I have only known around five years, but we immediately became very tight. She met a dude, rushed into marriage and there have been a few issues in that case. But, it was one of those cases when her husband tried to control anyone she hung around with...even me eventually even though they used to be frequent visitors to my house before they got married. After they were hitched, he hasn't set foot back in my house.
But, he doesn't know me like she does so I can understand why he might question my motives. At the same time, he should trust her more than that.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

riffrandall wrote:

Some dude is moving in on your territory.

hahaha...oh lord

spouse = territory? What is this, 2008 BC?

eyedclaar

Saturnal wrote:

hahaha...oh lord

spouse = territory? What is this, 2008 BC?

I'd stab that motherfucker in the eye with a sabre-tooth tiger fang!

Fighting Hellfish

when we started dating, her best friend was a guy. They had been friends for years, and I was perfectly okay with it. Who was I to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. I didn't dislike the guy. But i never really trusted him. Mainly because he would never look me in the eye, especially when he would shake my hand. He would look at his shoes. Also, he would never, ever call our house (or apartment). he would always call her directly on her cell phone. Surely that's more convenient (albeit also more expensive). But I always saw it as disrespectful to me, or that he (not her, just he) was hiding something. then as time went by, he seemed to get weirder and weirder. Then one night, she talked to him. I think it was in person, but it may have been over the phone. I could see she was shaken up a bit, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. When I pressed her a bit, (because I was worried about her, not suspicious of her) she just told me that he was getting very strange, and she didn't know what to make of it. Since then, they haven't talked much. I've left it alone, but she recently decided to pass on going to his wedding. I told her it was entirely up to her. She decided to pass. not sure why i brought that up, or where it fits into this, if at all.

But I have no problem whatsoever if she is friends with a guy. I do have a problem if the guy is not trustworthy, or has alterior motives. Which most guys do. Some don't. The gay ones.

I should also add that my wife is quite beautiful, not to brag. To her credit, she is the type that doesn't think she is beautiful, as opposed to the type that flaunts it, or is full of herself. Again, not sure if that has anything to do with this

I should also add that just about her entire family would have preferred that she marry either of these guys instead of me. Especially her mother. So that has added some friction to our marriage.

Fighting Hellfish

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

that would be punishment for me, believe me.

just to clarify, because I could see how this could be taken the wrong way: it would be punishment because her sister is a nasty, mean, ultra-controlling person. Not because of her appearance (which isn't that great either). her other sister is okay, but I like her husband far too much to even think about it

The Champ

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

just to clarify, because I could see how this could be taken the wrong way: it would be punishment because her sister is a nasty, mean, ultra-controlling person. Not because of her appearance (which isn't that great either). her other sister is okay, but I like her husband far too much to even think about it

To clarify, I was naturally referring to the 'other' sister..not sure why you assumed it was the nasty one ..and anyway, just tell her to cut the shit out..

Hawkshore

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

when we started dating, her best friend was a guy. They had been friends for years, and I was perfectly okay with it. Who was I to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. I didn't dislike the guy. But i never really trusted him. Mainly because he would never look me in the eye, especially when he would shake my hand. He would look at his shoes. Also, he would never, ever call our house (or apartment). he would always call her directly on her cell phone. Surely that's more convenient (albeit also more expensive). But I always saw it as disrespectful to me, or that he (not her, just he) was hiding something. then as time went by, he seemed to get weirder and weirder. Then one night, she talked to him. I think it was in person, but it may have been over the phone. I could see she was shaken up a bit, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. When I pressed her a bit, (because I was worried about her, not suspicious of her) she just told me that he was getting very strange, and she didn't know what to make of it. Since then, they haven't talked much. I've left it alone, but she recently decided to pass on going to his wedding. I told her it was entirely up to her. She decided to pass. not sure why i brought that up, or where it fits into this, if at all.

But I have no problem whatsoever if she is friends with a guy. I do have a problem if the guy is not trustworthy, or has alterior motives. Which most guys do. Some don't. The gay ones.

I should also add that my wife is quite beautiful, not to brag. To her credit, she is the type that doesn't think she is beautiful, as opposed to the type that flaunts it, or is full of herself. Again, not sure if that has anything to do with this

I should also add that just about her entire family would have preferred that she marry either of these guys instead of me. Especially her mother. So that has added some friction to our marriage.

I agree with you about these friendships ....once you have played hide the salami with someone the dynamic is never going to be the same and it is always going to be a lot more likely they are going to do it in the future!

Allie

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

it's not a "thing". It's the way we are programmed. Even when I try to talk about something, the thoughts in my head just can't translate into words.

You translated it pretty well in writing

So don't make generalizations

Now did you talk to her or what?! Geesh!

catch22

sigh eternally wrote:

you're not overreacting. i've been in your shoes before.
you definitely want to kill this now. i didn't, and i paid the price for it.

i second this. better to be seen as jealous and controlling for a few days before it blows over than to be sitting alone in your apartment plotting to kill her and her new lover like me.

eyedclaar

catch22 wrote:

i second this. better to be seen as jealous and controlling for a few days before it blows over than to be sitting alone in your apartment plotting to kill her and her new lover like me.

Or maybe the jealous controlling behavior is what pushes them into the arms of others...

Yellow Ledbelly

eyedclaar wrote:

Or maybe the jealous controlling behavior is what pushes them into the arms of others...

Yep, I've seen that up close....

eyedclaar

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

Yep, I've seen that up close....

Me too. Not personally, but I've seen it with others and frankly, I don't blame them.

The Champ

Thank God I have a big penis and don't have to worry about stuff like this ..

TrixieCat

The Champ wrote:

Thank God I have a big penis and don't have to worry about stuff like this ..

You ain't just whistling dixie. :eek:

nothingman44

she's probably sleeping with him now.

its how things go. women are like that.

***disclaimer***
my girlfriend was cheating on me so my view is a bit biased.

carry on!

SENROCK

eyedclaar wrote:

I'd stab that motherfucker in the eye with a sabre-tooth tiger fang!

thats hott.