And it goes both ways....I wouldn't do this with an ex girlfriend, because I know how it would make her feel.
believe me, I'm no cheater. The closest I come to that is when i get my haircut, and the girls leg rubs up against my hand for 2 seconds.
I didn't say you did cheat, the point is if you trust your wife let her email her ex. He is somebody she once cared for so why cant they be friends.
Astoria 20/04/06, Leeds 25/08/06, Prague 22/09/06, Wembley 18/06/07,
Dusseldorf 21/06/07, Manchester 17/08/09, London 18/08/09, LA 06/10/09, LA 07/10/09.
Yeah, I'd be bothered by this for sure. I always like to think about how the other side would feel if the situation was reversed. And, based on your description of your wife, it sounds like she would have certainly been upset if you were the one exchanging e-mails with your ex.
You should have blocked the dude's e-mail address while you had access to her e-mail account. Then your wife would have thought he simply stopped being interested and the issue would have been squashed.
Everything has chains...Absolutely nothing's changed. - PJ
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus
Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people. So, I wouldn't say a thing to my wife about it unless it seemed to be getting out of hand. I trust my wife to make the right decision, always, or I wouldn't have married her. I make no efforts to control her thoughts, feelings, or actions.
She trusts me to be the front man of a band with girls trying to flirt with me on a regular basis, so trusting her is the least I can do.
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I still speak to my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend has no problem with it as we are in a mature adult relationship and he trusts me.
My ex is (now) one of my best friends. We were together for 6 years and have known each other 8. His girlfriend is awesome (he was seeing her before our relationship ended... that was the messy bit I mentioned ) and they're expecting their first baby together in a month's time. I couldn't be happier for them, he's now with someone he loves trusts and talks to... as am I.
Dave gets on really well with my ex and I think it's wonderful that he, and my ex's girlfriend, have so much trust in both of us... like you said, it comes with being in an adult, mature relationship.
I'm not saying that the OP isn't mature or adult, far from it. As I said earlier, i'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally open and we talk to each other a hell of a lot (it helps that Dave's now also friends with my ex). All of the advice I offered up still stands... talking is the key to any relationship.
I think that the OP doesn't so much have an issue with his wife being in touch with her ex so much as him feeling like he's being lied to. She seemed shocked so he assumed she had written off her ex's initial email and ignored it... finding out that she had responded so pleasantly was probably a bit of a shock for him. He's probably thinking that if she didn't act how he expected in the first place, how well does he really know her? I'm putting bets on it that he's become defensive because he feels vulnarable... His wife doesn't see this, she just sees him angry and sarcastic. Again, as I said before, we can't read each others minds.
I honestly think that his wife leaving the emails out like that (kudos to him for not snooping... i'd have been all over that laptop like a rash ) is probably a cry for attention. Like Jamie UK said, he should forget the sarcasm, take her out for dinner, make her feel special and remind her what attracted them both in the first place.
Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people. So, I wouldn't say a thing to my wife about it unless it seemed to be getting out of hand. I trust my wife to make the right decision, always, or I wouldn't have married her. I make no efforts to control her thoughts, feelings, or actions.
She trusts me to be the front man of a band with girls trying to flirt with me on a regular basis, so trusting her is the least I can do.
That's awesome, sounds like a great relationship
... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
I didn't say you did cheat, the point is if you trust your wife let her email her ex. He is somebody she once cared for so why cant they be friends.
Because they can't. I think the one caveat to this is if they knew each other growing up, were buddies & then dated & then had an OK breakup that just came out of the two of them drifting apart.
Actually you know what? Scratch that. People you have a history with on this level can't come back and decide to be all buddy-buddy with you after you are married to someone else. It's totally disrespectful.
And for the ex girlfriend, or in this case, the spouse, to think that this is in any way tolerable? Give me a break.
I know Long Island boys, and they don't generally marry shrinking violets. My guess is if the tables were reversed, and there were emails from an ex-girlfriend? That girl would have her eyes scratched out by now.
Put an end to it.
If she gets flattered by the fact that you are bothered by it, run for your life. This is not a "cute" situation, it's not flattery. Some dude is moving in on your territory.
Turns out- he's still an asshole.
"If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
I think that the OP doesn't so much have an issue with his wife being in touch with her ex so much as him feeling like he's being lied to. She seemed shocked so he assumed she had written off her ex's initial email and ignored it... finding out that she had responded so pleasantly was probably a bit of a shock for him. He's probably thinking that if she didn't act how he expected in the first place, how well does he really know her? I'm putting bets on it that he's become defensive because he feels vulnarable... His wife doesn't see this, she just sees him angry and sarcastic. Again, as I said before, we can't read each others minds.
quote]
that's pretty accurate. Pretty really accurate, as Milhouse Van Houten might say. i expected her to either not respond at all, or to give a quick, polite reply, but one that was to the point about that being the end of this exchange.
Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people.quote]
Because they can't. I think the one caveat to this is if they knew each other growing up, were buddies & then dated & then had an OK breakup that just came out of the two of them drifting apart.
Actually you know what? Scratch that. People you have a history with on this level can't come back and decide to be all buddy-buddy with you after you are married to someone else. It's totally disrespectful.
And for the ex girlfriend, or in this case, the spouse, to think that this is in any way tolerable? Give me a break.
I know Long Island boys, and they don't generally marry shrinking violets. My guess is if the tables were reversed, and there were emails from an ex-girlfriend? That girl would have her eyes scratched out by now.
Put an end to it.
If she gets flattered by the fact that you are bothered by it, run for your life. This is not a "cute" situation, it's not flattery. Some dude is moving in on your territory.
Turns out- he's still an asshole.
Wow. This kind of stuff just reminds me of how happy I am to be single (so not only do I not have to deal with jealous boyfriends but I also don't have to be thought of as anyone's "territory").
I've been in relationships where being friends with the ex was accepted as well as in some where it wasn't. In hind sight I've learned that being "forbidden" from having certain friends is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship. (Not to judge the OP's relationship specifically.) It's not the kind of relationship I would like to spend a lifetime in anyway.
I was once in a relationship where I trusted the guy to be friends with whomever he wanted, but he didn't trust any of my male friends at all. He was always jealous and made a point to call all my male friends Sancho. He said I may not have any romantic/sexual interest in them now, but they were like a "penis in a glass box: just break in case of emergency". I never understood why he didn't trust me, but it was really hurtful to me and damaging to the relationship. Turns out he didn't trust me because HE wasn't trustworthy so he just expected me to be like him. (Once again, no judgement about the OP.)
It's sad to hear all the men saying that men can't be "just friends" with women, including their ex-girlfriends. And yet many of the women (I don't know who all is what gender) say it's no problem. I try to be trusting of the men I'm with and not stereotype them based on the actions of other men. But if you guys are saying you're all alike in this regard, I think I'll just stay single. :(
I don't get it..just tell her to cut the shit out or you'll fuck her sister ..
'I want to hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
It's sad to hear all the men saying that men can't be "just friends" with women, including their ex-girlfriends. And yet many of the women (I don't know who all is what gender) say it's no problem. I try to be trusting of the men I'm with and not stereotype them based on the actions of other men. But if you guys are saying you're all alike in this regard, I think I'll just stay single. :(
Well, I am one the guys who believes there is probably more than chit chat on the mind of the ex in most cases like this one, but the two best friends I have in the world are females. I have been friends with one since elementary school, was the "man of honor" for her at her wedding, have traveled and spent days on end with her and her husband and am the godfather of their first born. She made it clear to him -- and every other boyfriend she ever had -- that I wasn't going anywhere, so if it was a problem for them to have a nice life without her.
The other one, however, I have only known around five years, but we immediately became very tight. She met a dude, rushed into marriage and there have been a few issues in that case. But, it was one of those cases when her husband tried to control anyone she hung around with...even me eventually even though they used to be frequent visitors to my house before they got married. After they were hitched, he hasn't set foot back in my house.
But, he doesn't know me like she does so I can understand why he might question my motives. At the same time, he should trust her more than that.
All I have to do is revel in the everyday....then do it again tomorrow
They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
when we started dating, her best friend was a guy. They had been friends for years, and I was perfectly okay with it. Who was I to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. I didn't dislike the guy. But i never really trusted him. Mainly because he would never look me in the eye, especially when he would shake my hand. He would look at his shoes. Also, he would never, ever call our house (or apartment). he would always call her directly on her cell phone. Surely that's more convenient (albeit also more expensive). But I always saw it as disrespectful to me, or that he (not her, just he) was hiding something. then as time went by, he seemed to get weirder and weirder. Then one night, she talked to him. I think it was in person, but it may have been over the phone. I could see she was shaken up a bit, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. When I pressed her a bit, (because I was worried about her, not suspicious of her) she just told me that he was getting very strange, and she didn't know what to make of it. Since then, they haven't talked much. I've left it alone, but she recently decided to pass on going to his wedding. I told her it was entirely up to her. She decided to pass. not sure why i brought that up, or where it fits into this, if at all.
But I have no problem whatsoever if she is friends with a guy. I do have a problem if the guy is not trustworthy, or has alterior motives. Which most guys do. Some don't. The gay ones.
I should also add that my wife is quite beautiful, not to brag. To her credit, she is the type that doesn't think she is beautiful, as opposed to the type that flaunts it, or is full of herself. Again, not sure if that has anything to do with this
I should also add that just about her entire family would have preferred that she marry either of these guys instead of me. Especially her mother. So that has added some friction to our marriage.
just to clarify, because I could see how this could be taken the wrong way: it would be punishment because her sister is a nasty, mean, ultra-controlling person. Not because of her appearance (which isn't that great either). her other sister is okay, but I like her husband far too much to even think about it
just to clarify, because I could see how this could be taken the wrong way: it would be punishment because her sister is a nasty, mean, ultra-controlling person. Not because of her appearance (which isn't that great either). her other sister is okay, but I like her husband far too much to even think about it
To clarify, I was naturally referring to the 'other' sister..not sure why you assumed it was the nasty one ..and anyway, just tell her to cut the shit out..
'I want to hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
when we started dating, her best friend was a guy. They had been friends for years, and I was perfectly okay with it. Who was I to tell her who she could and could not be friends with. I didn't dislike the guy. But i never really trusted him. Mainly because he would never look me in the eye, especially when he would shake my hand. He would look at his shoes. Also, he would never, ever call our house (or apartment). he would always call her directly on her cell phone. Surely that's more convenient (albeit also more expensive). But I always saw it as disrespectful to me, or that he (not her, just he) was hiding something. then as time went by, he seemed to get weirder and weirder. Then one night, she talked to him. I think it was in person, but it may have been over the phone. I could see she was shaken up a bit, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. When I pressed her a bit, (because I was worried about her, not suspicious of her) she just told me that he was getting very strange, and she didn't know what to make of it. Since then, they haven't talked much. I've left it alone, but she recently decided to pass on going to his wedding. I told her it was entirely up to her. She decided to pass. not sure why i brought that up, or where it fits into this, if at all.
But I have no problem whatsoever if she is friends with a guy. I do have a problem if the guy is not trustworthy, or has alterior motives. Which most guys do. Some don't. The gay ones.
I should also add that my wife is quite beautiful, not to brag. To her credit, she is the type that doesn't think she is beautiful, as opposed to the type that flaunts it, or is full of herself. Again, not sure if that has anything to do with this
I should also add that just about her entire family would have preferred that she marry either of these guys instead of me. Especially her mother. So that has added some friction to our marriage.
I agree with you about these friendships ....once you have played hide the salami with someone the dynamic is never going to be the same and it is always going to be a lot more likely they are going to do it in the future!
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you're not overreacting. i've been in your shoes before.
you definitely want to kill this now. i didn't, and i paid the price for it.
i second this. better to be seen as jealous and controlling for a few days before it blows over than to be sitting alone in your apartment plotting to kill her and her new lover like me.
i second this. better to be seen as jealous and controlling for a few days before it blows over than to be sitting alone in your apartment plotting to kill her and her new lover like me.
Or maybe the jealous controlling behavior is what pushes them into the arms of others...
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Thank God I have a big penis and don't have to worry about stuff like this ..
'I want to hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
Comments
I didn't say you did cheat, the point is if you trust your wife let her email her ex. He is somebody she once cared for so why cant they be friends.
Dusseldorf 21/06/07, Manchester 17/08/09, London 18/08/09, LA 06/10/09, LA 07/10/09.
Ain't gonna be any middle anymore.
You should have blocked the dude's e-mail address while you had access to her e-mail account. Then your wife would have thought he simply stopped being interested and the issue would have been squashed.
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus
Here's my take.
Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people. So, I wouldn't say a thing to my wife about it unless it seemed to be getting out of hand. I trust my wife to make the right decision, always, or I wouldn't have married her. I make no efforts to control her thoughts, feelings, or actions.
She trusts me to be the front man of a band with girls trying to flirt with me on a regular basis, so trusting her is the least I can do.
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you definitely want to kill this now. i didn't, and i paid the price for it.
I think I'll let someone else take over from here haha
My ex is (now) one of my best friends. We were together for 6 years and have known each other 8. His girlfriend is awesome (he was seeing her before our relationship ended... that was the messy bit I mentioned
Dave gets on really well with my ex and I think it's wonderful that he, and my ex's girlfriend, have so much trust in both of us... like you said, it comes with being in an adult, mature relationship.
I'm not saying that the OP isn't mature or adult, far from it. As I said earlier, i'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally open and we talk to each other a hell of a lot (it helps that Dave's now also friends with my ex). All of the advice I offered up still stands... talking is the key to any relationship.
I think that the OP doesn't so much have an issue with his wife being in touch with her ex so much as him feeling like he's being lied to. She seemed shocked so he assumed she had written off her ex's initial email and ignored it... finding out that she had responded so pleasantly was probably a bit of a shock for him. He's probably thinking that if she didn't act how he expected in the first place, how well does he really know her? I'm putting bets on it that he's become defensive because he feels vulnarable... His wife doesn't see this, she just sees him angry and sarcastic. Again, as I said before, we can't read each others minds.
I honestly think that his wife leaving the emails out like that (kudos to him for not snooping... i'd have been all over that laptop like a rash
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
That's awesome, sounds like a great relationship
Best I've ever known. I do my best to not fuck it up.
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Because they can't. I think the one caveat to this is if they knew each other growing up, were buddies & then dated & then had an OK breakup that just came out of the two of them drifting apart.
Actually you know what? Scratch that. People you have a history with on this level can't come back and decide to be all buddy-buddy with you after you are married to someone else. It's totally disrespectful.
And for the ex girlfriend, or in this case, the spouse, to think that this is in any way tolerable? Give me a break.
I know Long Island boys, and they don't generally marry shrinking violets. My guess is if the tables were reversed, and there were emails from an ex-girlfriend? That girl would have her eyes scratched out by now.
Put an end to it.
If she gets flattered by the fact that you are bothered by it, run for your life. This is not a "cute" situation, it's not flattery. Some dude is moving in on your territory.
Turns out- he's still an asshole.
Wow. This kind of stuff just reminds me of how happy I am to be single (so not only do I not have to deal with jealous boyfriends but I also don't have to be thought of as anyone's "territory").
I've been in relationships where being friends with the ex was accepted as well as in some where it wasn't. In hind sight I've learned that being "forbidden" from having certain friends is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship. (Not to judge the OP's relationship specifically.) It's not the kind of relationship I would like to spend a lifetime in anyway.
I was once in a relationship where I trusted the guy to be friends with whomever he wanted, but he didn't trust any of my male friends at all. He was always jealous and made a point to call all my male friends Sancho. He said I may not have any romantic/sexual interest in them now, but they were like a "penis in a glass box: just break in case of emergency". I never understood why he didn't trust me, but it was really hurtful to me and damaging to the relationship. Turns out he didn't trust me because HE wasn't trustworthy so he just expected me to be like him. (Once again, no judgement about the OP.)
It's sad to hear all the men saying that men can't be "just friends" with women, including their ex-girlfriends. And yet many of the women (I don't know who all is what gender) say it's no problem. I try to be trusting of the men I'm with and not stereotype them based on the actions of other men. But if you guys are saying you're all alike in this regard, I think I'll just stay single. :(
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
that would be punishment for me, believe me.
The other one, however, I have only known around five years, but we immediately became very tight. She met a dude, rushed into marriage and there have been a few issues in that case. But, it was one of those cases when her husband tried to control anyone she hung around with...even me eventually even though they used to be frequent visitors to my house before they got married. After they were hitched, he hasn't set foot back in my house.
But, he doesn't know me like she does so I can understand why he might question my motives. At the same time, he should trust her more than that.
They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
hahaha...oh lord
spouse = territory? What is this, 2008 BC?
I'd stab that motherfucker in the eye with a sabre-tooth tiger fang!
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But I have no problem whatsoever if she is friends with a guy. I do have a problem if the guy is not trustworthy, or has alterior motives. Which most guys do. Some don't. The gay ones.
I should also add that my wife is quite beautiful, not to brag. To her credit, she is the type that doesn't think she is beautiful, as opposed to the type that flaunts it, or is full of herself. Again, not sure if that has anything to do with this
I should also add that just about her entire family would have preferred that she marry either of these guys instead of me. Especially her mother. So that has added some friction to our marriage.
just to clarify, because I could see how this could be taken the wrong way: it would be punishment because her sister is a nasty, mean, ultra-controlling person. Not because of her appearance (which isn't that great either). her other sister is okay, but I like her husband far too much to even think about it
To clarify, I was naturally referring to the 'other' sister..not sure why you assumed it was the nasty one
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
I agree with you about these friendships ....once you have played hide the salami with someone the dynamic is never going to be the same and it is always going to be a lot more likely they are going to do it in the future!
You translated it pretty well in writing
So don't make generalizations
Now did you talk to her or what?! Geesh!
"Sometimes life should be consumed in measured doses"
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and Metsy!
i second this. better to be seen as jealous and controlling for a few days before it blows over than to be sitting alone in your apartment plotting to kill her and her new lover like me.
Or maybe the jealous controlling behavior is what pushes them into the arms of others...
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They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
Me too. Not personally, but I've seen it with others and frankly, I don't blame them.
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put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
its how things go. women are like that.
***disclaimer***
my girlfriend was cheating on me so my view is a bit biased.
carry on!
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