Situations differ, but an ex usually doesn't connect an old flame out of the blue just for the sake of chit chat...especially not a dude
I agree.
Personally I wouldn't be too happy about it, especially if you've made it clear that she has little time for you but finds enough time to chit chat to him.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, I would say your acting according to your emotions. However, you do need to stop arguing and discuss this in a mature way... Sleeping on the couch won't help anyone. Explain to her how you're feeling and ask her if she's happy in your relationship... If you don't know about problems, how can you begin to fix them?
Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
I don't know about that. My cousin's wife was contacted out of the blue by an old boyfriend with the same kind of chit chat the OP described. My cuz protested...the wifey said theres nothing to it and ol' Johnny just wanted someone to talk to.....cuz told her just to wait and see. So, cuz gets home one day and wifey said "You were right about ol' Johnny."
Situations differ, but an ex usually doesn't connect an old flame out of the blue just for the sake of chit chat...especially not a dude
that's what I told her to expect. It will start off all friendly, catching up. And then one day, it will be----hey, i'm gonna be in town next month for business (or family), we should get together for a cup of coffee.......
Personally I wouldn't be too happy about it, especially if you've made it clear that she has little time for you but finds enough time to chit chat to him.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, I would say your acting according to your emotions. However, you do need to stop arguing and discuss this in a mature way... Sleeping on the couch won't help anyone. Explain to her how you're feeling and ask her if she's happy in your relationship... If you don't know about problems, how can you begin to fix them?
that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
that's what I told her to expect. It will start off all friendly, catching up. And then one day, it will be----hey, i'm gonna be in town next month for business (or family), we should get together for a cup of coffee.......
That's exactly what happened in my cousin's situation. The question you have to ask yourself, in my opinion, is how well you trust your wife. If you trust that she would never cheat on you, like my cousin did, then give it time and she will see, but if you think there is a chance she might be lured into something then sit her down and talk about it as rationally as possible as another poster suggested.......what the hell do I know though. I'm not married!
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that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
Well ya gotta start somwhere and it appears you've become very comfortable speaking here about sports. So talk about it with the one that's closest to you.
Peace
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*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
So my wife is on this website, LinkedIn, She gets an e-mail from an ex boyfriend from her college days, 11 years ago. She shows me the first e-mail, saying she couldn't believe it. So I figure she'll put a quick kibosh on this, especially considering this guy cheated on her. Well last night I grab the laptop to check some baseball scores, and her e-mail is open to an e-mail from this guy. Friendly chit chat, she tells him "it really was great to hear from you". Even tells him that it's not weird that he emails her out of the blue, which he admitted, especially since he's married and he knows that sh'es married. It happens again tonight. Another e-mail exchange. I'm really mad about this.
First off, I would never consider chatting up an ex-girlfriend. It would be disrespectful to my wife. especially an ex who cheated on me. Lt alone leave it open ona computer I use all the time.
Second, with her work schedule, and 2 kids under 2 1/2, we don't have much time for each other. Yet she finds time catch up with some asshole who cheated on her
This has me really up in arms. I slept on the couch last night, and will do so again tonight. It's something I would never even think about doing to her. i have an ex GF named Pam. When we were first dating, and then married, she didn't like it when I would ask her to hand me the cooking spray Pam. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I think she should have some self respect, and tell this ass to fuck off, and that he blew it by cheating on her.
It doesn't really matter whether or not this should bother you - it does bother you - and that's what matters. Different people may or may not be bothered by this based on their past experiences and a number of other factors. You've done a good job about explaining why it bothers you in this thread - so now share what you've said on here with your wife. She's the one you have to work this out with. And try telling her in a way that will make it possible for her to actually hear what you're saying, rather than getting defensive or arguing about something else (i.e. snide comments may just make her tune you out). Talking about this stuff is probably not very comfortable for most people - but a little discomfort probably means you're growing. Good luck.
that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
Hahaha you sound like me except I'm a yeller. My gf is a yeller too so it's all fair. I'm Irish too.
Just say that the situation is making you uncomfortable and you wouldn't do this to her. Also, throw in the fact that you trust her...just not him.
"I don't believe in PJ fans but I believe there is something, not too sure what." - Thoughts_Arrive
that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
i'm a big snide commenter. it doesn't usually work for me. just pisses her off and makes her defensive, which makes her less willing to give up because she knows it bothers you and it's a way to get back for you hurting her by the snide comments. i try to avoid doing it now.
one day i'm going to contact my ex and i truly hope to be able to break up her marriage and sleep with her again. but i'm pretty sure she's got too much character for that. i'm sure your wife is the same.
somebody made the good point that handling it this way could backfire. there's something in high fidelity about turning 'a pair of people in a mess into a unit' because you act like a jerk and it brings them together. if you keep with the snide comments and sleeping on the couch, she could start complaining to him about how you're acting, he returns the favor about his wife, they start venting frustrations about how they deserve better, start to feel they understand each other and can share more than she can share with you... and voila, affair. i know, i've used wedges like this to break people up. don't give him that chance.
It's a big deal. Not from your wife's perspective, but it is totally true that guys do not get in touch with their ex-whatevers- girlfriends/ wives.. unless they have an agenda of some kind.
My first love lives in South Dakota. We had a ridiculously bad & painful breakup. I live on both coasts & am in the Midwest almost never, so this guy has no earthly reason to contact me. He's been married since the year after we broke up, when he knocked up some skank at a keg party.
Now I'll get emails from him when "things aren't going so well." Or when he wants to remind me that "marriage is a long haul" and that "life with me would've been sweet."
You've got to tell her how you feel, and I'd put a stop to it now. Emailing the dude in the next cube at work is one thing. A long lost love coming out of the blue after many years? That's trouble.
End it.
PS I would sleep on the couch, too & I'm not even Irish. I might even go to a friend's house.
"If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
Hahaha you sound like me except I'm a yeller. My gf is a yeller too so it's all fair. I'm Irish too.
Just say that the situation is making you uncomfortable and you wouldn't do this to her. Also, throw in the fact that you trust her...just not him.
Irish and Cherokee here. That's right, I was born with a bottle of whiskey in my hands... and a black eye. Pretty sure I killed my twin while still in the womb, but that's another story. I will say that I have never found any excuse to get in touch with the ex girls although some of them have got in touch with me. Out of respect for my wife and the fact I have no desire to see or talk to them, I respond in a somewhat terse manner indicating I'm not interested in ongoing communications. More like, glad to know you're still breathing now leave me alone.
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that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
Well it's good that you've started
You really do need to open up to your wife, if she sees that you're prepared to do that she might realise how much this is hurting you.
Luckily I'm in an honest and emotionally open relationship now but my ex used to bottle his feelings terribly. He wasn't happy for years and I was completely oblivious... it ended badly is all I need to say but it proves my point, a relationship is based on the closeness of two individuals... mentally and physically. You can be close physically as much as you want but it's what's in your heart that keeps that bond.
Sarcasm also doesn't help matters. Try to bite your tongue dude! Remember, you don't know what's going on in her head and she doesn't know what's going on in yours... you only see whats on the outside of someone, no matter how well you know them. Sarcastic comments are really negative and can sometimes be seen as hostile. The last thing you want your wife to assume that you want to be hostile towards her but if she doesn't see any other side you to... well... what else is she supposed to think?
I'm not saying any of this is your fault, this could all be applied to your wife too. From what you've said, it seems that she too bottles her emotions. Get the ball rolling and talk to each other.
Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
I agree with everyone else, you need to talk to your wife She may not take kindly to you reading her email, but in time she will cool down with that. If it were me, I wouldn't be thrilled about my BF sharing my personal life on a message board either, BUT I know your intentions were good.
I have to say, I am still friends (or atleast occasionally chat with) with some of my Ex's...in fact, my high school boyfriend is a very close friend, and his fiance is probably my "best" friend. They also introduced me to my Boyfriend, they know me pretty damn well cause they did a great job!
Its always a slippery slope if your arguement begins with "all guys....." for every rule there are exceptions.
Irish and Cherokee here. That's right, I was born with a bottle of whiskey in my hands... and a black eye. Pretty sure I killed my twin while still in the womb, but that's another story. I will say that I have never found any excuse to get in touch with the ex girls although some of them have got in touch with me. Out of respect for my wife and the fact I have no desire to see or talk to them, I respond in a somewhat terse manner indicating I'm not interested in ongoing communications. More like, glad to know you're still breathing now leave me alone.
Irish AND Cherokee...dude I don't wanna ever see that kind of anger.
"I don't believe in PJ fans but I believe there is something, not too sure what." - Thoughts_Arrive
I did not read all the pages just the OP. I would not like tis situation either. She should just cut the communication off and thats it. If she knows how you feel then it should end.
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Sweep the Leg Johnny.
Your feelings are your feelings and that makes them valid.
That said, I vote that you're overreacting.
If your wife had any bad intentions, I doubt that she would be so open about her communication with him. Also, given that he cheated, I'd say the fact that she is ready to communicate with him is a sign that she no longer has any feelings for him.
You really don't know what his intentions are, but what difference does it make? Women have to deal with men who have ulterior motives all the time. It's only her intentions that are important. Sounds to me like you have a trust issue and that's a problem that must be resolved at some point. I'd see this as a perfect opportunity to learn to express your feelings and resolve your trust issues. But that's just my opinion.
I appreciate evryone's input, and advice. To make one thing clear, these e-mails have been left out in the open. I'm not snooping, or hacking into her hotmail to look for them. Twice I've grabbed the computer to find these e-mails. I'm not going looking for them, but if they're sitting there out in the open on the kitchen table, I'm going to see them, it's impossible for me not to read them. Last night, she left a response she was writing to him open, and never sent it. I left the computer on, plugged in, with just that e-mail open, where she couldn't miss it, to make a point, in an odd kind of way. Of course, Windows had to go and download an update and restart, which blew that out of the water
Maybe a few people would just close it, and ignore it. But I'd say 98% of people would read it. It bothers me that she's talking to this guy in the first place, it bothers me tenfold that she knows I don't like it, she knows I would NEVER do that to her, and that she has no problem carrying this on despite knowing how I feel about it. It also doesn't help that this guy is being snide and making fun of her. Only I get to be snide to my wife, and make fun of her, damnit.
It bothers me that she's talking to this guy in the first place, it bothers me tenfold that she knows I don't like it, she knows I would NEVER do that to her, and that she has no problem carrying this on despite knowing how I feel about it. It also doesn't help that this guy is being snide and making fun of her. Only I get to be snide to my wife, and make fun of her, damnit.
I think this is what the professional shrinky dinks call "control issues"
Maybe a few people would just close it, and ignore it. But I'd say 98% of people would read it. It bothers me that she's talking to this guy in the first place, it bothers me tenfold that she knows I don't like it, she knows I would NEVER do that to her, and that she has no problem carrying this on despite knowing how I feel about it. It also doesn't help that this guy is being snide and making fun of her. Only I get to be snide to my wife, and make fun of her, damnit.
if all you've done is make snide remarks, she may not know how much it bothers you. she may think you're teasing or just doing some macho male blustering. if you always keep your feelings close, she probably has no idea this is truly bothering you.
and leaving the email thing open like that? come on dude, that's such a female mindgame ploy
i feel sorry for you mate,i would be very jealous if i was in your place,
how can you not be,they used to have sex! your wife should of told this prick to eff off from the start,i would of replied to his email myself telling the dick where to go,hopefully your missus will do the right thing soon and put your mind at rest.
dunno if its been mentioned but i'd probably hunt him down and glue his cock to a departing submarine...
bet someone's already suggested that..
ok i'd place hundreds of worms and some lacerated rodents on his eyes and then take him to the local Evil Mad Fucking Crow & Eagle Sanctuary.
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
I think this is what the professional shrinky dinks call "control issues"
I have to agree with this. Sorry. Even if you think you are joking...you are trying to control her.
That is no way to be in a marriage.
Talk to her and be honest about why you don't want her talking to him.
Come off like a controlling jackass and she will pull away from you.
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
if all you've done is make snide remarks, she may not know how much it bothers you. she may think you're teasing or just doing some macho male blustering. if you always keep your feelings close, she probably has no idea this is truly bothering you.
and leaving the email thing open like that? come on dude, that's such a female mindgame ploy
she knows. she knows me well enough to know how I would feel about something like this. She also knows how much it would bother her if the situations were reversed.
are you offering your services? Name your price.....
your wife's email address?
ok that was low
sorry,
nah, i'd do it for fucking free.. the inly reason he's back in touch is cos he still has feelings... no guy gets in touch with an ex... unless he's turned gay and is asking for wallpaper advice?
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
I appreciate evryone's input, and advice. To make one thing clear, these e-mails have been left out in the open. I'm not snooping, or hacking into her hotmail to look for them. Twice I've grabbed the computer to find these e-mails. I'm not going looking for them, but if they're sitting there out in the open on the kitchen table, I'm going to see them, it's impossible for me not to read them. Last night, she left a response she was writing to him open, and never sent it. I left the computer on, plugged in, with just that e-mail open, where she couldn't miss it, to make a point, in an odd kind of way. Of course, Windows had to go and download an update and restart, which blew that out of the water
Maybe a few people would just close it, and ignore it. But I'd say 98% of people would read it. It bothers me that she's talking to this guy in the first place, it bothers me tenfold that she knows I don't like it, she knows I would NEVER do that to her, and that she has no problem carrying this on despite knowing how I feel about it. It also doesn't help that this guy is being snide and making fun of her. Only I get to be snide to my wife, and make fun of her, damnit.
Ok, now I am the 20th or more person who made this remark: "talk to your wife!!!" ....so now stop being an Irish hardhead and just do that :rolleyes:
...some men....
Talk to her and explain in a calm manner what you are thinking and that you never would do this to her and that you find it disrespectful even though she sees nothing wrong with it. If she does not want to end the e-mails, ask her why this is so important to her....
It shouldnt be important to her, not even close to how important you are to her...so she should be able to stop contacting the guy.
I sense more issues than this between the two of you, or maybe you are just both hardheads. Put down your defenses and talk....come on, you can do it!
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I agree.
Personally I wouldn't be too happy about it, especially if you've made it clear that she has little time for you but finds enough time to chit chat to him.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, I would say your acting according to your emotions. However, you do need to stop arguing and discuss this in a mature way... Sleeping on the couch won't help anyone. Explain to her how you're feeling and ask her if she's happy in your relationship... If you don't know about problems, how can you begin to fix them?
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
that's what I told her to expect. It will start off all friendly, catching up. And then one day, it will be----hey, i'm gonna be in town next month for business (or family), we should get together for a cup of coffee.......
that would be a new thing for me. usually, I just hold it in, and make snide sarcastic comments. Starting this thread is about the closest I've ever come to talkting about "my feelings"
They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
Well ya gotta start somwhere and it appears you've become very comfortable speaking here about sports. So talk about it with the one that's closest to you.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
Hahaha you sound like me except I'm a yeller. My gf is a yeller too so it's all fair. I'm Irish too.
Just say that the situation is making you uncomfortable and you wouldn't do this to her. Also, throw in the fact that you trust her...just not him.
i'm a big snide commenter. it doesn't usually work for me. just pisses her off and makes her defensive, which makes her less willing to give up because she knows it bothers you and it's a way to get back for you hurting her by the snide comments. i try to avoid doing it now.
one day i'm going to contact my ex and i truly hope to be able to break up her marriage and sleep with her again. but i'm pretty sure she's got too much character for that. i'm sure your wife is the same.
somebody made the good point that handling it this way could backfire. there's something in high fidelity about turning 'a pair of people in a mess into a unit' because you act like a jerk and it brings them together. if you keep with the snide comments and sleeping on the couch, she could start complaining to him about how you're acting, he returns the favor about his wife, they start venting frustrations about how they deserve better, start to feel they understand each other and can share more than she can share with you... and voila, affair. i know, i've used wedges like this to break people up. don't give him that chance.
My first love lives in South Dakota. We had a ridiculously bad & painful breakup. I live on both coasts & am in the Midwest almost never, so this guy has no earthly reason to contact me. He's been married since the year after we broke up, when he knocked up some skank at a keg party.
Now I'll get emails from him when "things aren't going so well." Or when he wants to remind me that "marriage is a long haul" and that "life with me would've been sweet."
You've got to tell her how you feel, and I'd put a stop to it now. Emailing the dude in the next cube at work is one thing. A long lost love coming out of the blue after many years? That's trouble.
End it.
PS I would sleep on the couch, too & I'm not even Irish. I might even go to a friend's house.
Irish and Cherokee here. That's right, I was born with a bottle of whiskey in my hands... and a black eye. Pretty sure I killed my twin while still in the womb, but that's another story. I will say that I have never found any excuse to get in touch with the ex girls although some of them have got in touch with me. Out of respect for my wife and the fact I have no desire to see or talk to them, I respond in a somewhat terse manner indicating I'm not interested in ongoing communications. More like, glad to know you're still breathing now leave me alone.
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Well it's good that you've started
You really do need to open up to your wife, if she sees that you're prepared to do that she might realise how much this is hurting you.
Luckily I'm in an honest and emotionally open relationship now but my ex used to bottle his feelings terribly. He wasn't happy for years and I was completely oblivious... it ended badly is all I need to say but it proves my point, a relationship is based on the closeness of two individuals... mentally and physically. You can be close physically as much as you want but it's what's in your heart that keeps that bond.
Sarcasm also doesn't help matters. Try to bite your tongue dude! Remember, you don't know what's going on in her head and she doesn't know what's going on in yours... you only see whats on the outside of someone, no matter how well you know them. Sarcastic comments are really negative and can sometimes be seen as hostile. The last thing you want your wife to assume that you want to be hostile towards her but if she doesn't see any other side you to... well... what else is she supposed to think?
I'm not saying any of this is your fault, this could all be applied to your wife too. From what you've said, it seems that she too bottles her emotions. Get the ball rolling and talk to each other.
... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
I have to say, I am still friends (or atleast occasionally chat with) with some of my Ex's...in fact, my high school boyfriend is a very close friend, and his fiance is probably my "best" friend. They also introduced me to my Boyfriend, they know me pretty damn well cause they did a great job!
Its always a slippery slope if your arguement begins with "all guys....." for every rule there are exceptions.
Good luck
but communicate your feelings with your wife and talk about it
its really that simple
of course Id ask for an oral reassurance that she still loves you
Irish AND Cherokee...dude I don't wanna ever see that kind of anger.
Leave the computer on and open to this thread. Make sure she sees and reads it. But don't force her.
haha. It usually involves breaking a bottle over someone's head and then scalping them.
However, I'm much better now than I used to be.
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Sweep the Leg Johnny.
That said, I vote that you're overreacting.
If your wife had any bad intentions, I doubt that she would be so open about her communication with him. Also, given that he cheated, I'd say the fact that she is ready to communicate with him is a sign that she no longer has any feelings for him.
You really don't know what his intentions are, but what difference does it make? Women have to deal with men who have ulterior motives all the time. It's only her intentions that are important. Sounds to me like you have a trust issue and that's a problem that must be resolved at some point. I'd see this as a perfect opportunity to learn to express your feelings and resolve your trust issues. But that's just my opinion.
Good luck!
Maybe a few people would just close it, and ignore it. But I'd say 98% of people would read it. It bothers me that she's talking to this guy in the first place, it bothers me tenfold that she knows I don't like it, she knows I would NEVER do that to her, and that she has no problem carrying this on despite knowing how I feel about it. It also doesn't help that this guy is being snide and making fun of her. Only I get to be snide to my wife, and make fun of her, damnit.
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if all you've done is make snide remarks, she may not know how much it bothers you. she may think you're teasing or just doing some macho male blustering. if you always keep your feelings close, she probably has no idea this is truly bothering you.
and leaving the email thing open like that? come on dude, that's such a female mindgame ploy
how can you not be,they used to have sex! your wife should of told this prick to eff off from the start,i would of replied to his email myself telling the dick where to go,hopefully your missus will do the right thing soon and put your mind at rest.
bet someone's already suggested that..
ok i'd place hundreds of worms and some lacerated rodents on his eyes and then take him to the local Evil Mad Fucking Crow & Eagle Sanctuary.
That is no way to be in a marriage.
Talk to her and be honest about why you don't want her talking to him.
Come off like a controlling jackass and she will pull away from you.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
she knows. she knows me well enough to know how I would feel about something like this. She also knows how much it would bother her if the situations were reversed.
your wife's email address?
ok that was low
sorry,
nah, i'd do it for fucking free.. the inly reason he's back in touch is cos he still has feelings... no guy gets in touch with an ex... unless he's turned gay and is asking for wallpaper advice?
Ok, now I am the 20th or more person who made this remark: "talk to your wife!!!" ....so now stop being an Irish hardhead and just do that :rolleyes:
...some men....
Talk to her and explain in a calm manner what you are thinking and that you never would do this to her and that you find it disrespectful even though she sees nothing wrong with it. If she does not want to end the e-mails, ask her why this is so important to her....
It shouldnt be important to her, not even close to how important you are to her...so she should be able to stop contacting the guy.
I sense more issues than this between the two of you, or maybe you are just both hardheads. Put down your defenses and talk....come on, you can do it!