Should this bother me, or am I overreacting?

Fighting Hellfish

So my wife is on this website, LinkedIn, She gets an e-mail from an ex boyfriend from her college days, 11 years ago. She shows me the first e-mail, saying she couldn't believe it. So I figure she'll put a quick kibosh on this, especially considering this guy cheated on her. Well last night I grab the laptop to check some baseball scores, and her e-mail is open to an e-mail from this guy. Friendly chit chat, she tells him "it really was great to hear from you". Even tells him that it's not weird that he emails her out of the blue, which he admitted, especially since he's married and he knows that sh'es married. It happens again tonight. Another e-mail exchange. I'm really mad about this.

First off, I would never consider chatting up an ex-girlfriend. It would be disrespectful to my wife. especially an ex who cheated on me. Lt alone leave it open ona computer I use all the time.

Second, with her work schedule, and 2 kids under 2 1/2, we don't have much time for each other. Yet she finds time catch up with some asshole who cheated on her

This has me really up in arms. I slept on the couch last night, and will do so again tonight. It's something I would never even think about doing to her. i have an ex GF named Pam. When we were first dating, and then married, she didn't like it when I would ask her to hand me the cooking spray Pam. She thinks I'm being ridiculous, and I think she should have some self respect, and tell this ass to fuck off, and that he blew it by cheating on her.

catch22

there's no reason to think he's trying to rekindle things, so the fact that he cheated on her is irrelevant. it's not like her talking to him means she's forgiven the cheating and wants to get back together with him.

that said, it'd bother the shit out of me. BUT, i'm very irrational about this sort of thing, so you're probably overreacting.

restlesssoul

give her hell, hellfish! attaboy!

chiquimonkey

yeah i'm not sure where the thing about him cheating on her makes any difference in this situation....it was a long time ago and both of them have moved on, having spouses now and everything.

the fact she left it open on the laptop means she wasn't trying to hide it from you, so i'm guessing it's not a big deal to her. maybe talk to her about how you feel, since it's clearly upsetting you. it sounds like the fact that you both don't have as much time to spend with each other might be a sticking point, getting you even more riled up about it.

i'm sure everything is okay, but no harm in communicating how you feel with her. maybe try to arrange a 'date' so you guys have some quality time together too

Fighting Hellfish

catch22 wrote:

there's no reason to think he's trying to rekindle things, so the fact that he cheated on her is irrelevant. it's not like her talking to him means she's forgiven the cheating and wants to get back together with him.

that said, it'd bother the shit out of me. BUT, i'm very irrational about this sort of thing, so you're probably overreacting.

my thinking goes like this----he's a guy and she's a girl. So of course he's trying to get it on. Guys don't "catch up" just to hear about your ex girlfriends job, and if her dog is still alive.

g under p

It matters none that the guy cheated on her what does matter is that she's now married to you now. Forget about the past and deal with her inappropriate communication with an ex.

Just let her know how you feel and what's it dong to you, get off the couch man.

Peace

Fighting Hellfish

here's why the cheating on her thing bothers me. Two reasons actually. If he cheated on her, there's no reason to think he won't cheat on his wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I trust my wife, but the fact that she would even reply to this guys e-mail bothers me. Also, I think she's disrespecting herself. have some self respect, and some dignity for yourself. I don't believe in forgive and forget.

Fighting Hellfish

g under p wrote:

It matters none that the guy cheated on her what does matter is that she's now married to you now. Forget about the past and deal with her inappropriate communication with an ex.

Just let her know how you feel and what's it dong to you, get off the couch man.

Peace

she's in bed. and I'm not very good with the "let's talk about our feelings." I'm Irish. We're not that built that way. Letting it simmer until you explode, that's our way.

catch22

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

here's why the cheating on her thing bothers me. Two reasons actually. If he cheated on her, there's no reason to think he won't cheat on his wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I trust my wife, but the fact that she would even reply to this guys e-mail bothers me. Also, I think she's disrespecting herself. have some self respect, and some dignity for yourself. I don't believe in forgive and forget.

i dont think forgiving someone for fucking up a number of years ago means she has no self-respect or dignity. that's absurd. women are totally different from guys about this, they have very little problem remaining friends if they want or just being friends with guys.

if i wrote an ex, it would be either to rub it in how successful i've become, or because i still love her. but i hear there are guys out there that just want to be decent and see how someone who used to be important to them is doing. and your wife responding certainly doesn't mean she's disrespecting herself.

g under p

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

here's why the cheating on her thing bothers me. Two reasons actually. If he cheated on her, there's no reason to think he won't cheat on his wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I trust my wife, but the fact that she would even reply to this guys e-mail bothers me. Also, I think she's disrespecting herself. have some self respect, and some dignity for yourself. I don't believe in forgive and forget.

OK does that once cheater always a cheater still applies to the Patriots.

All kidding aside have you spoken to your wife? Tell all of your feelings about this all from your point of view. She might think this is all innocent and cute, you'll never know until you talk to her.

Peace

chiquimonkey

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

here's why the cheating on her thing bothers me. Two reasons actually. If he cheated on her, there's no reason to think he won't cheat on his wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I trust my wife, but the fact that she would even reply to this guys e-mail bothers me. Also, I think she's disrespecting herself. have some self respect, and some dignity for yourself. I don't believe in forgive and forget.

how does her responding to his email make her undignified? it sounds like you need to give your wife a little more credit. is it unsettling to have someone come out of nowhere and contact your mate like that? sure. not sure it's worth getting all excitable and freaked out about it thought.

Fighting Hellfish

g under p wrote:

OK does that once cheater always a cheater still applies to the Patriots.

All kidding aside have you spoken to your wife? Tell all of your feelings about this all from your point of view. She might think this is all innocent and cute, you'll never know until you talk to her.

Peace

Yeah, I've talked to her. When I got home from physical therapy (it was my first day, and it hurt) I grabbed the laptop to see how my baseball team is doing, as it's the first week of playoffs. It was open to another e-mail, one she was sending. So I asked her how her boyfriend is.....

g under p

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

she's in bed. and I'm not very good with the "let's talk about our feelings." I'm Irish. We're not that built that way. Letting it simmer until you explode, that's our way.

Oh man oh man now I see your point. I have a girlfriend who is Irish and man is she ever fiery. She gets nervous when I have to talk to my ex-wife about our daughter who lives with me. Not that I want to talk to her but at times it can't be avoided. I haven't had that blow up talk yet but I'm sure one will come as the years go by.

Well like you said let things simmer down then find a way to delicately bring this matter up with her.

Peace

Fighting Hellfish

chiquimonkey wrote:

how does her responding to his email make her undignified? it sounds like you need to give your wife a little more credit. is it unsettling to have someone come out of nowhere and contact your mate like that? sure. not sure it's worth getting all excitable and freaked out about it thought.

you may have a point. I just know I would have handled something like that a lot different, and with her in mind. She doesn't give a shit what I think, just thinks I'm being "absurd". And believe me, if the situation were reversed, she'd beway more irrational than I'm being. Over the summer, I found some makeup stuff under the passenger seat when I was cleaning my car. Seeing as how I haven't been with another woman in 10 years, I assumed it was hers. So I showed it to her. She said it wasn't hers, and thought for a good month that I was cheating on her. Even though I gave it to her. I could see if she found it. But I found it and gave it to her......

dontloseyourheat

not a big deal

chiquimonkey

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

you may have a point. I just know I would have handled something like that a lot different, and with her in mind. She doesn't give a shit what I think, just thinks I'm being "absurd". And believe me, if the situation were reversed, she'd beway more irrational than I'm being. Over the summer, I found some makeup stuff under the passenger seat when I was cleaning my car. Seeing as how I haven't been with another woman in 10 years, I assumed it was hers. So I showed it to her. She said it wasn't hers, and thought for a good month that I was cheating on her. Even though I gave it to her. I could see if she found it. But I found it and gave it to her......

well here is this situation, where she received this message from her ex, and did the same thing....she showed it to you. it would have been worse had she gotten it and didn't show it to you, and you stumbled across it. just as you showed her the makeup in the car, since you had nothing to hide....she was probably doing the same in showing you his message. and not hiding her reply.

my 2cents, sounds like trust might be an issue. and while you may be irish, you should still sit and have a calm discussion with her. if she knows this bothers you so much, and you present your concerns calmly, she'd probably stop writing him altogether.

not dissing your irish hot blood by the way...i'm latina, i know all about hot blood lol

Rhinocerous Surprise

chiquimonkey wrote:

not dissing your irish hot blood by the way...i'm latina, i know all about hot blood lol

*makes obligatory joke about Irish blood-alcohol levels*

catch22

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

Yeah, I've talked to her. When I got home from physical therapy (it was my first day, and it hurt) I grabbed the laptop to see how my baseball team is doing, as it's the first week of playoffs. It was open to another e-mail, one she was sending. So I asked her how her boyfriend is.....

i bet that went over well

any chance you're taking out your frustration over the physical therapy (recent injury?) on her and this is just a convenient vehicle? it sounds pretty harmless to me. i mean, when i've cheated, i usually made at least some effort to hide it.

Fighting Hellfish

catch22 wrote:

i bet that went over well

any chance you're taking out your frustration over the physical therapy (recent injury?) on her and this is just a convenient vehicle? it sounds pretty harmless to me. i mean, when i've cheated, i usually made at least some effort to hide it.

Nah, I've been hurt for 8 years, been in and out of physical therapy, and the more painful massage therapy. I went to PT today steamed. and yes, it did go over very well......But since the 2 year old was in the room, I just took my simmering frustration to the basement, and did some laundry, then split, to go get some groceries. Coming home to find her asleep on the couch, and the 2 year old sitting in the bay window, very much awake, that didn't help.

Fighting Hellfish

Rhinocerous Surprise wrote:

*makes obligatory joke about Irish blood-alcohol levels*

it would be sky high, loaded up on sam Adams Octoberfest, but the 2 year old will probably wake up at 4 AM, as has been the custom of late, and the 5 month old will be up at 8 or 9. And I don't have any bounceback anymore.

sponger

I think you are perfectly justified in feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation, and you have a right as her husband to express those feelings to her.

On the other hand, such activity is more or less becoming the norm nowadays, and you risk looking like a schmuck by reacting the way you are reacting.

There are actually a number of ex-g/f's of mine in my myspace who are now married, and with whom I carry on occasional messaging.

Unfortunately for me, I can't say that any of them would ever consider leaving their current situation to become a part of my dismal life. On the same token, I couldn't be happier for them.

Of course there is the possibility that your wife might risk all just to embrace a love long forgotten, but the fact that she is open and honest about it with you might be a sign that she's just being your typical myspacer and not fishing the net for new and/or rekindled romance.

My opinion is that the best step to take is really one that you just kind of have to feel out with instinct. If she's the type of woman who reacts well to jealousy, then all power to you. I think there are women out there enjoy that sort of thing and find it rather comforting.

However, I do believe many women are quite the opposite, and she might feel as though her status of being married can at times be constricting. And that's why I say that only you know what steps best to take.

Just be cool like Bodie in Point Break and everything will work out just fine. Even if she leaves you for Keanu Reeves, you're still a fuggen badash.