Should this bother me, or am I overreacting?

riffrandall

surfanddestroy wrote:

Wow, all this over an email, you may be married but she is still alowed to have a social life.

Not with an ex boyfriend, she isn't. Some dude at work who comes over to watch the game with his wife is one thing, but someone who you have history with and had/have feelings for? No effing way.

It is a big deal.

surfanddestroy

riffrandall wrote:

Not with an ex boyfriend, she isn't. Some dude at work who comes over to watch the game with his wife is one thing, but someone who you have history with and had/have feelings for? No effing way.

It is a big deal.

I still speak to my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend has no problem with it as we are in a mature adult relationship and he trusts me.

Fighting Hellfish

riffrandall wrote:

Not with an ex boyfriend, she isn't. Some dude at work who comes over to watch the game with his wife is one thing, but someone who you have history with and had/have feelings for? No effing way.

It is a big deal.

That's pretty much my point. And it goes both ways....I wouldn't do this with an ex girlfriend, because I know how it would make her feel.

eyedclaar

Kushikushun wrote:

p.s. Eyedclaar has made about ten beautiful comments to use for my sig again...you should write poetry my man!

I do write poetry, or something like poetry. Poetry for the non-wuss...

Fighting Hellfish

Allie wrote:

Don't give me that 'Long Island Irish guy thing!'

What we have here, my fellow Yankee fan, is a failure to communicate. You are assuming that she knows how you feel about this particular situation, you haven't discussed it.

Keep us posted on how it goes. Good luck.

it's not a "thing". It's the way we are programmed. Even when I try to talk about something, the thoughts in my head just can't translate into words.

TrixieCat

surfanddestroy wrote:

I still speak to my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend has no problem with it as we are in a mature adult relationship and he trusts me.

You didn't realize that we are all supposed to be put in little glass boxes and up on a shelf for people to admire but not talk to or touch????
Really, c'mon...we are not allowed to talk to other men but the men can bed anyone they want. I can bet you that some people hollering in this thread have cheated on their wives or girlfriends. But that doesn't stop them from crucifying this guy's wife. :rolleyes:
Like banging your head against a wall surfanddestroy.

surfanddestroy

TrixieCat wrote:

You didn't realize that we are all supposed to be put in little glass boxes and up on a shelf for people to admire but not talk to or touch????
Really, c'mon...we are not allowed to talk to other men but the men can bed anyone they want. I can bet you that some people hollering in this thread have cheated on their wives or girlfriends. But that doesn't stop them from crucifying this guy's wife. :rolleyes:
Like banging your head against a wall surfanddestroy.

Yeah but a guy cheating is nowhere near as bad as a woman emailing her ex.

Poncier

Saturnal wrote:

She isn't helping what exactly? .

Not helping harmony at home where she now has an irritated husband sleeping on the couch.
I'm not saying he should be worried she's gonna run off and perform a rusty trombone on the ex, I think she should realize it bothers him and not continue chatting with the ex.

catch22

TrixieCat wrote:

You didn't realize that we are all supposed to be put in little glass boxes and up on a shelf for people to admire but not talk to or touch????
Really, c'mon...we are not allowed to talk to other men but the men can bed anyone they want. I can bet you that some people hollering in this thread have cheated on their wives or girlfriends. But that doesn't stop them from crucifying this guy's wife. :rolleyes:
Like banging your head against a wall surfanddestroy.

you're a chattel woman. don't try to go above your station!

for the record, i don't see anyone crucifying his wife. people are just saying it's normal for him to be bothered by this and the guy no doubt has intentions. most people are saying his wife can probably handle it and not to worry.

but to the OP, if he talks her into meeting him, 1) shut it down and 2) tell me because i'm going to get in touch with my ex and see if i can land one more shag.

Fighting Hellfish

surfanddestroy wrote:

Yeah but a guy cheating is nowhere near as bad as a woman emailing her ex.

did you miss where I said this:

And it goes both ways....I wouldn't do this with an ex girlfriend, because I know how it would make her feel.


believe me, I'm no cheater. The closest I come to that is when i get my haircut, and the girls leg rubs up against my hand for 2 seconds.

surfanddestroy

Fighting Hellfish wrote:

did you miss where I said this:

And it goes both ways....I wouldn't do this with an ex girlfriend, because I know how it would make her feel.


believe me, I'm no cheater. The closest I come to that is when i get my haircut, and the girls leg rubs up against my hand for 2 seconds.

I didn't say you did cheat, the point is if you trust your wife let her email her ex. He is somebody she once cared for so why cant they be friends.

walkunafraid

Yeah, I'd be bothered by this for sure. I always like to think about how the other side would feel if the situation was reversed. And, based on your description of your wife, it sounds like she would have certainly been upset if you were the one exchanging e-mails with your ex.


You should have blocked the dude's e-mail address while you had access to her e-mail account. Then your wife would have thought he simply stopped being interested and the issue would have been squashed.

eyedclaar

Ok, I guess I'll be serious for one second.

Here's my take.

Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people. So, I wouldn't say a thing to my wife about it unless it seemed to be getting out of hand. I trust my wife to make the right decision, always, or I wouldn't have married her. I make no efforts to control her thoughts, feelings, or actions.

She trusts me to be the front man of a band with girls trying to flirt with me on a regular basis, so trusting her is the least I can do.

sigh eternally

you're not overreacting. i've been in your shoes before.
you definitely want to kill this now. i didn't, and i paid the price for it.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Poncier wrote:

I think she should realize it bothers him and not continue chatting with the ex.

LOL wow...

I think I'll let someone else take over from here haha

Sian-of-the-dead

surfanddestroy wrote:

I still speak to my ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend has no problem with it as we are in a mature adult relationship and he trusts me.

My ex is (now) one of my best friends. We were together for 6 years and have known each other 8. His girlfriend is awesome (he was seeing her before our relationship ended... that was the messy bit I mentioned ) and they're expecting their first baby together in a month's time. I couldn't be happier for them, he's now with someone he loves trusts and talks to... as am I.
Dave gets on really well with my ex and I think it's wonderful that he, and my ex's girlfriend, have so much trust in both of us... like you said, it comes with being in an adult, mature relationship.

I'm not saying that the OP isn't mature or adult, far from it. As I said earlier, i'm lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally open and we talk to each other a hell of a lot (it helps that Dave's now also friends with my ex). All of the advice I offered up still stands... talking is the key to any relationship.

I think that the OP doesn't so much have an issue with his wife being in touch with her ex so much as him feeling like he's being lied to. She seemed shocked so he assumed she had written off her ex's initial email and ignored it... finding out that she had responded so pleasantly was probably a bit of a shock for him. He's probably thinking that if she didn't act how he expected in the first place, how well does he really know her? I'm putting bets on it that he's become defensive because he feels vulnarable... His wife doesn't see this, she just sees him angry and sarcastic. Again, as I said before, we can't read each others minds.

I honestly think that his wife leaving the emails out like that (kudos to him for not snooping... i'd have been all over that laptop like a rash ) is probably a cry for attention. Like Jamie UK said, he should forget the sarcasm, take her out for dinner, make her feel special and remind her what attracted them both in the first place.

meme

eyedclaar wrote:

Ok, I guess I'll be serious for one second.

Here's my take.

Would I be bothered? Yes, but only a little. Mostly, I would recognize that as me being weak and insecure and that isn't a side of myself that I show people. So, I wouldn't say a thing to my wife about it unless it seemed to be getting out of hand. I trust my wife to make the right decision, always, or I wouldn't have married her. I make no efforts to control her thoughts, feelings, or actions.

She trusts me to be the front man of a band with girls trying to flirt with me on a regular basis, so trusting her is the least I can do.

That's awesome, sounds like a great relationship

eyedclaar

meme wrote:

That's awesome, sounds like a great relationship

Best I've ever known. I do my best to not fuck it up.

riffrandall

surfanddestroy wrote:

I didn't say you did cheat, the point is if you trust your wife let her email her ex. He is somebody she once cared for so why cant they be friends.

Because they can't. I think the one caveat to this is if they knew each other growing up, were buddies & then dated & then had an OK breakup that just came out of the two of them drifting apart.

Actually you know what? Scratch that. People you have a history with on this level can't come back and decide to be all buddy-buddy with you after you are married to someone else. It's totally disrespectful.
And for the ex girlfriend, or in this case, the spouse, to think that this is in any way tolerable? Give me a break.

I know Long Island boys, and they don't generally marry shrinking violets. My guess is if the tables were reversed, and there were emails from an ex-girlfriend? That girl would have her eyes scratched out by now.

Put an end to it.
If she gets flattered by the fact that you are bothered by it, run for your life. This is not a "cute" situation, it's not flattery. Some dude is moving in on your territory.
Turns out- he's still an asshole.

Fighting Hellfish

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

I think that the OP doesn't so much have an issue with his wife being in touch with her ex so much as him feeling like he's being lied to. She seemed shocked so he assumed she had written off her ex's initial email and ignored it... finding out that she had responded so pleasantly was probably a bit of a shock for him. He's probably thinking that if she didn't act how he expected in the first place, how well does he really know her? I'm putting bets on it that he's become defensive because he feels vulnarable... His wife doesn't see this, she just sees him angry and sarcastic. Again, as I said before, we can't read each others minds.

quote]

that's pretty accurate. Pretty really accurate, as Milhouse Van Houten might say. i expected her to either not respond at all, or to give a quick, polite reply, but one that was to the point about that being the end of this exchange.