moving train jokes

My friend came over from Japan and was showing an interest in UK politics,
I said

"do you have elections in Japan?"

"Oh every morning" he replied!




ddddmtshhh (my best attempt at spelling a drum noise)

mammasan wrote:

A friend of mine emailed me this one.

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

I must say laughter is a good thing on a Monday morning and it's amazing thatthis thread was started back in 2005.

Peace

Overheard in a bank:

“This credit crunch is worse than a divorce – I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!”

---

I think this has been around for a while, but has been updated


Ecownomics:

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all our cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Songburst wrote:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

A couple of hours with me and there wouldn't be any!!!!

Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'

Songburst wrote:

A horribly offensive joke that probably shouldn't be repeated:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

Sorry.

No worries. I wanted to post that joke, but was skeered of the backlash. :eek:

Tomcat is on a plane, makes his way into the cockpit and sticks a gun in the pilots back and says......."Take me to the canaries"

whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!

oil alternative wrote:

Tomcat is on a plane, makes his way into the cockpit and sticks a gun in the pilots back and says......."Take me to the canaries"

whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!

that poor cat is gonna be sooo disappointed.

Now it's really funny!!

Austicman wrote:

Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as she points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'

oil alternative wrote:

An Eskimo is driving through the Welsh countryside and his car breaks down, so he calls out the AA, upon opening his bonnet and checking the engine over the Welsh AA man says "ahh you've blown a seal"
with this the Eskimo replies "so what? you fuck sheep!"

Even as a Welshman I love that joke!