Donald Rumsfeld is giving the George Bush his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as
the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up
and
asks..........
"How many is a Brazillion ??"
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance,
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
>>>talking.....and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think
>>>is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
>>> >
>>>The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
>>>Florida.......?????
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> CAR TROUBLE
>>> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
>>>mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
>>>idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies,
>>>Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to
>>>do that?"
>>> >
>>> >
>>>SPEEDING TICKET
>>> > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>>>nicely if he could see her license. As she replied in a huff,
>>>"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
>>>yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
>>>show it to you!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> RIVER WALK
>>> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
>>>sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
>>>shouts,"How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde
>>>looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE
>>>on the other side."
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> KNITTING
>>> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>>>freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
>>>blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
>>>oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
>>>down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL
>>>OVER!"...."NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
>>>The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
>>>said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
>>>what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
>>>the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
>>>can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
>>>Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
>>>know. We're going at night!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>> > A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
>>>new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
>>>responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
>>>Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
>>>like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch
>>>dogs!"
Another carefully considered executive management decision!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Beth or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Beth came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: " Beth , I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Beth replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
~peace~
Never allow someone to be your Priority,
While allowing yourself to be their Option.
Another carefully considered executive management decision!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Beth or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Beth came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: " Beth , I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Beth replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
~peace~
Ok, that was dumb ... so why do I have the giggles?
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." ~ MLK, 1963
Another carefully considered executive management decision!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Beth or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Beth came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: " Beth , I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Beth replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
~peace~
LMAO hahahaha this is helarious because it took me wayyyy to long to figure it out ahhahahhhaha
good one
dream like your living forever
live like your dying today
Just play around with him... click on Bush to drag him around.
Have Fun with it! hehehe
sweet cheers,
Stephanie
Ok, that made me really really dizzy...
Here's mine...
The Walking Eagle
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Underneath this smile lies everything
all my hopes, anger, pride and shame...
The Walking Eagle
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
ver funny man
Ron: I just don't feel like going out tonight
Sammi: Wanna just break up?
Subject: A Love Story
>
>
>
>A Love Story
>
>I will seek and find you . . .
>
>I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
>
>I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
>
>I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
>
>I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
>finished with you.
>
>And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
>
>All my love,
>
>The Flu
>
>Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot !
>
haha... nice.
I have faced it, A life wasted...
Take my hand, my child of love
Come step inside my tears
Swim the magic ocean,
I've been crying all these years
A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn't swear.
After both of his parents have died, when he's in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home.
Excitedly, he says, "hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you". The parrot doesn't reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder. The parrot replies with "I heard you the first time, A**hole".
Appalled, the man solemnly says "we don't use that kind of language in this house". Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he's ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and chases the parrot into a closet. Twenty minutes later, he's still swearing like a sailor.
So, he puts the parrot into a kitchen cabinet, and it does no good. Finally, he decides that a few minutes in the freezer will scare the parrot into stopping. He puts the parrot into the freezer, and after about a minute, the swearing comes to a stop.
Scared that he must've killed the parrot, he throws the freezer door open. The parrot hops out, and immediately cuddles up against the man, and says "I've learned my lesson, I'm sorry".
The man says "what caused you to stop using such horrible language?". The parrot shakes a little bit, and says "I saw what you did to the chicken".
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Being an avid fisherman, I couldn't resist sharing this one...
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
Trading magic for fact, no tradebacks... So this is what it's like to be an adult...
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the George Bush his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as
the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up
and
asks..........
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
Four nuns die in a car accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them. He asks the first nun, "Sister, I know you've led a holy life, but I must ask you one question, and please be honest, since I'll know if you're lying. Have you ever had contact with a man's penis?"
She blushes, "Oh, no, St. Peter, never!"
"Sister, remember, I'll know if you're lying. Just be truthful."
"Well," she demures, "Yes, with this one hand, I touched a man's penis."
"It's okay, sister, go wash your hand in that fountain of holy water and you shall be forgiven."
"Oh, thank you, St. Peter!" And she does, then enters Heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun the same question, and at first she denies it, also. He assures her that he can tell if she's lying, that she must be honest, and she finally admits, "I touched a man's penis with both of my hands..."
"Sister, you need only wash your hands in the holy water and you, too, will be absolved of your sin." And so she does, and enters Heaven.
Meanwhile, the other two are fistfighting, scratching, & pulling each other's hair, and St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, sisters! What's going on here? Why are you fighting?!?"
The fourth nun seethes, "If you think I'm washing my MOUTH in that fountain after she washes her ASS in it, you've got another thing coming!"
Life is the riddle
Of which we're caught in the middle.
A couple of lucky ones
Tangled up in too much love
~cowboy junkies
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating one candy bar after another.
An elderly man sitting on the other end of the bench watched him, then felt compelled to say something.
"Son, do you have any idea how bad those candy bars are for you? You keep eating them like that, and you'll end up with cavities, diabetes, you'll get fat... they're just bad for you."
Little Johnny stared at the man for a long moment, then said, "My great-grandfather lived to be 100 years old."
"Did he live to that age by eating candy bars all day?" asked the man.
Johhny replied, "No, he did it by minding his own fucking business."
Life is the riddle
Of which we're caught in the middle.
A couple of lucky ones
Tangled up in too much love
~cowboy junkies
liberace, freddy mercury and princess diana are at the gates of heaven and st peter stops them on there way in saying "sorry people i can only let one of you in today we're a bit short on spaces so you must each tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of this final space"
so liberace steps up and says "well i supplied the world with happines transfered through my magnificent musical skills"
freddie mercury walks up and says "as well as creating beautiful music, i have had charities set up in my name therefore savin thousands of lives"
princess di doesn't say a word she just strips off lies on her back and pours a jug of water between her legs she then closes her legs forcing the water into the air in a lovely fountain motion.
with that st peter says "sorry lads shes in"
freddie and liberace are up in arms sayin "how can she warrant a space in heaven with such a lame trick"
st peter goes on to explain that a royal flush beats a pair of queens in anyones book!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
Me: Say there honey you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?
Ms Jolie: Why no!
Me: Have you ever had a parakeet on your right shoulder then?
Ms Jolie: Nope...
Me: Bet you've had a cockatoo in your mouth though.
result is that Ms Jolie slept with me but made me clean Brad's shoes before leaving.
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'
The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'
Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'
George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'
make sure the fortune that you seek...is the fortune that you need
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
this is such a good joke
This isn't the land of opportunity, it's the land of competition.
Comments
concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as
the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up
and
asks..........
"How many is a Brazillion ??"
but the illusion of knowledge.
~Daniel Boorstin
Only a life lived for others is worth living.
~Albert Einstein
>>>talking.....and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think
>>>is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
>>> >
>>>The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
>>>Florida.......?????
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> CAR TROUBLE
>>> > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
>>>mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
>>>idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies,
>>>Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to
>>>do that?"
>>> >
>>> >
>>>SPEEDING TICKET
>>> > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
>>>nicely if he could see her license. As she replied in a huff,
>>>"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
>>>yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
>>>show it to you!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> RIVER WALK
>>> > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
>>>sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
>>>shouts,"How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde
>>>looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE
>>>on the other side."
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> KNITTING
>>> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>>>freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
>>>blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
>>>oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
>>>down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL
>>>OVER!"...."NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>>> BLONDE ON THE SUN
>>> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
>>>The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
>>>said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
>>>what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
>>>the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
>>>can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
>>>Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
>>>know. We're going at night!"
>>> >
>>>>
>>> > A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
>>>new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
>>>responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
>>>Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
>>>like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch
>>>dogs!"
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Beth or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Beth came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: " Beth , I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Beth replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
~peace~
While allowing yourself to be their Option.
‹^›_‹(ô¿ô)›_‹^›
Please visit daily: www.theanimalrescuesite.com
Ok, that was dumb ... so why do I have the giggles?
I know; it's lame.
~peace~
While allowing yourself to be their Option.
‹^›_‹(ô¿ô)›_‹^›
Please visit daily: www.theanimalrescuesite.com
A: A terrible way to spend Easter.
thats good...
chappele has to come back...he is way too funny
Q: how do you know when another blonde has been on your computer
A: when theres writing over the white out
live like your dying today
LMAO hahahaha this is helarious because it took me wayyyy to long to figure it out ahhahahhhaha
good one
live like your dying today
Ok, that made me really really dizzy...
Here's mine...
The Walking Eagle
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
all my hopes, anger, pride and shame...
Sammi: Wanna just break up?
haha... nice.
Take my hand, my child of love
Come step inside my tears
Swim the magic ocean,
I've been crying all these years
a few more seconds and there'd be a sarchasm.
Take my hand, my child of love
Come step inside my tears
Swim the magic ocean,
I've been crying all these years
a midget walks into a bar.
"OUCH, my fucking head!"
whats better than a rose on a piano?
tulips on an organ. (say out loud)
but nice people sw****w
Identification
>
...a lover and a fighter.
"I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa
http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians
Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
A man lives with his parents his whole life. He doesn't drink, smoke, or do anything of that nature. Most importantly, though, he doesn't swear.
After both of his parents have died, when he's in his late fifties, he becomes lonely. He decides to go to the pet store, and buy a friend to talk to. He asks for the most talkative parrot that they have. They bring him a small, fluffy blue parrot, and he takes it home.
Excitedly, he says, "hello, new friend, what would you like me to call you". The parrot doesn't reply. The man, thinking that the parrot must be unable to hear him, repeats the sentence a bit louder. The parrot replies with "I heard you the first time, A**hole".
Appalled, the man solemnly says "we don't use that kind of language in this house". Upon hearing this, the parrot starts screaming every profanity he's ever heard, even in other languages. The man gets terribly upset, and chases the parrot into a closet. Twenty minutes later, he's still swearing like a sailor.
So, he puts the parrot into a kitchen cabinet, and it does no good. Finally, he decides that a few minutes in the freezer will scare the parrot into stopping. He puts the parrot into the freezer, and after about a minute, the swearing comes to a stop.
Scared that he must've killed the parrot, he throws the freezer door open. The parrot hops out, and immediately cuddles up against the man, and says "I've learned my lesson, I'm sorry".
The man says "what caused you to stop using such horrible language?". The parrot shakes a little bit, and says "I saw what you did to the chicken".
Betty says, "Pretty. My teacher is very pretty." The teacher then calls on Frank.
Frank says, "Tall. You are tall." The teacher congratulates him and then calls on little Tommy Trouble.
Tommy Trouble says, " Urinate." The teacher stops him and tells him that is a bad word to use but to go ahead and make a sentence with it.
Tommy says, "Urinate, but if your tits were bigger then you would be a ten...."
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushfishingvacation.htm
http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
Take my hand, my child of love
Come step inside my tears
Swim the magic ocean,
I've been crying all these years
hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha brilliant
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
She blushes, "Oh, no, St. Peter, never!"
"Sister, remember, I'll know if you're lying. Just be truthful."
"Well," she demures, "Yes, with this one hand, I touched a man's penis."
"It's okay, sister, go wash your hand in that fountain of holy water and you shall be forgiven."
"Oh, thank you, St. Peter!" And she does, then enters Heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun the same question, and at first she denies it, also. He assures her that he can tell if she's lying, that she must be honest, and she finally admits, "I touched a man's penis with both of my hands..."
"Sister, you need only wash your hands in the holy water and you, too, will be absolved of your sin." And so she does, and enters Heaven.
Meanwhile, the other two are fistfighting, scratching, & pulling each other's hair, and St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, sisters! What's going on here? Why are you fighting?!?"
The fourth nun seethes, "If you think I'm washing my MOUTH in that fountain after she washes her ASS in it, you've got another thing coming!"
Of which we're caught in the middle.
A couple of lucky ones
Tangled up in too much love
~cowboy junkies
An elderly man sitting on the other end of the bench watched him, then felt compelled to say something.
"Son, do you have any idea how bad those candy bars are for you? You keep eating them like that, and you'll end up with cavities, diabetes, you'll get fat... they're just bad for you."
Little Johnny stared at the man for a long moment, then said, "My great-grandfather lived to be 100 years old."
"Did he live to that age by eating candy bars all day?" asked the man.
Johhny replied, "No, he did it by minding his own fucking business."
Of which we're caught in the middle.
A couple of lucky ones
Tangled up in too much love
~cowboy junkies
so liberace steps up and says "well i supplied the world with happines transfered through my magnificent musical skills"
freddie mercury walks up and says "as well as creating beautiful music, i have had charities set up in my name therefore savin thousands of lives"
princess di doesn't say a word she just strips off lies on her back and pours a jug of water between her legs she then closes her legs forcing the water into the air in a lovely fountain motion.
with that st peter says "sorry lads shes in"
freddie and liberace are up in arms sayin "how can she warrant a space in heaven with such a lame trick"
st peter goes on to explain that a royal flush beats a pair of queens in anyones book!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
Ms Jolie: Why no!
Me: Have you ever had a parakeet on your right shoulder then?
Ms Jolie: Nope...
Me: Bet you've had a cockatoo in your mouth though.
result is that Ms Jolie slept with me but made me clean Brad's shoes before leaving.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'
The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'
Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'
George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'