moving train jokes

oil alternative

My friend came over from Japan and was showing an interest in UK politics,
I said

"do you have elections in Japan?"

"Oh every morning" he replied!




ddddmtshhh (my best attempt at spelling a drum noise)

mammasan

A friend of mine emailed me this one.

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

g under p

mammasan wrote:

A friend of mine emailed me this one.

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

I must say laughter is a good thing on a Monday morning and it's amazing thatthis thread was started back in 2005.

Peace

oil alternative

A dog goes to the post office and says he needs to send a telegram,

"ok what is the content?" says the cashier,

"woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof" replies the dog!

The cashier remarks that for a few extra pence he can include a couple more 'woofs'

"Yeah but that'd sound fucking stupid" says the dog!

Drowned Out

Overheard in a bank:

“This credit crunch is worse than a divorce – I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!”

---

I think this has been around for a while, but has been updated


Ecownomics:

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all our cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Songburst

A horribly offensive joke that probably shouldn't be repeated:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

Sorry.

oil alternative

Songburst wrote:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

A couple of hours with me and there wouldn't be any!!!!

Songburst

oil alternative wrote:

A couple of hours with me and there wouldn't be any!!!!

Zing.

Austicman

Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'

supersonicyears

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

Wobbie

Songburst wrote:

A horribly offensive joke that probably shouldn't be repeated:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

Sorry.

No worries. I wanted to post that joke, but was skeered of the backlash. :eek:

melodious

TheBeach wrote:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

Ingenius!!!! Thanks....

oil alternative

Tomcat is on a plane, makes his way into the cockpit and sticks a gun in the pilots back and says......."Take me to the canaries"

whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!

Austicman

A three legged dog walks into a bar. "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw!!!"

catefrances

oil alternative wrote:

Tomcat is on a plane, makes his way into the cockpit and sticks a gun in the pilots back and says......."Take me to the canaries"

whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!

that poor cat is gonna be sooo disappointed.

melodious

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Austicman

Now it's really funny!!

Austicman wrote:

Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as she points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'

dunkman

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

pirlo21

oil alternative wrote:

An Eskimo is driving through the Welsh countryside and his car breaks down, so he calls out the AA, upon opening his bonnet and checking the engine over the Welsh AA man says "ahh you've blown a seal"
with this the Eskimo replies "so what? you fuck sheep!"

Even as a Welshman I love that joke!

pirlo21

A man goes to a zoo. But the only animal there is one lonely dog.
It was a shitzu!