moving train jokes
Porch
Posts: 539
i thought this was a good joke for the moving train...
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out
of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out
of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
sometimes you're the boxer...sometimes you're the bag...
Post edited by Unknown User on
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That was superb! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
While you are busy making other plans.
Sammi: Wanna just break up?
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
Member # 0004
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
he had a voice that was strong and loud and
i swallowed his facade cos i'm so
eager to identify with
someone above the crowd
someone who seemed to feel the same
someone prepared to lead the way
Women says NO!
Man lives happily ever after!
'If my fuckin' ex-wife told me to take care of her dog while her and her new boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself." -The Dude
Whisky Drinker, Non-Hunter from Denver.
hah a hahah ahahahahahahahahah a a ha aha ha a ha ha
'Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."'
the hilarity of some of the posts is too much, mostly.
*giggles* Floyd you are such a gentleman.
That was funny.
Negrodamas: He has the receipt.
lmao hehehe
that was originally a Bill Hick's joke....if you like political comedy, Bill's the man.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
>
>
>
>A Love Story
>
>I will seek and find you . . .
>
>I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
>
>I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
>
>I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
>
>I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
>finished with you.
>
>And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
>
>All my love,
>
>The Flu
>
>Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot
>
However, for some reason this one: made me laugh the hardest. Seriously.
funny stuff and i want to read more.
not political but here goes:
Q: how can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: there's white-out on the screen.
sorry all blondes, i love ya
1. can you get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance
2. do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front
3. do we buy hot dogs in packs of 10 and buns in packs of 8
4. do we have a drive up ATM with braille lettering.
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting l*id.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *sshole.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Just play around with him... click on Bush to drag him around.
Have Fun with it! hehehe
sweet cheers,
Stephanie
* Air Canada Centre - Sept 19, 2005
* Eddie Vedder- Massey Hall - Aug 12, 2008
* Molson Amphitheatre - Aug 21, 2009
* HSBC Arena Buffalo - May 10, 2010
* Air Canada Centre - Sept 11 2011
more like:
Man asks man to marry
conservatives everywhere start crying