moving train jokes

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  • U-R
    U-R Posts: 223
    dunkman1974 wrote:
    Me: Say there honey you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?

    Ms Jolie: Why no!

    Me: Have you ever had a parakeet on your right shoulder then?

    Ms Jolie: Nope...

    Me: Bet you've had a cockatoo in your mouth though. :)










    result is that Ms Jolie slept with me but made me clean Brad's shoes before leaving.


    this one has mixed results when overseas. after opening the conversation and somebody asks where i'm from....
    me: australia. you sound like you have a bit of australian in you, do you?
    her: ahh not actually
    me: would you like a bit??
    if you love somebody, set them free. if somebody loves you, don't fuck up
  • pearl jam rules
    pearl jam rules Posts: 129
    Porch wrote:
    i thought this was a good joke for the moving train...

    The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
    George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
    $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
    Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
    out of the window and make ten people very happy."

    Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
    out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
    co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out
    of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

    this was good. except for laura bush being included. george and cheney can go but let's keep laura. she's nice and helps kids learn how to read. and she's fuckin hot
  • chopitdown
    chopitdown Posts: 2,222
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive & practicing law.


    ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    make sure the fortune that you seek...is the fortune that you need
  • HeadlongRush
    HeadlongRush Posts: 290
    Two blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.

    The first blonde said, "Ooo, look! Deer tracks!"

    "No way," said the second blonde. "Those are totally, like, rabbit tracks."

    "Deer tracks!"

    "Rabbit tracks!"



    ........They were still arguing when the train hit them.
    Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. --Douglas Adams

    I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.

    YDWWMPJC?!!
  • stuckinline
    stuckinline Posts: 3,407
    the owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. the owner asks the clerk "what's with the guy over there by the wall?"

    the clerk says "well he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. i couldn't find the cough syrup so i gave him an entire bottle of laxatives"

    the owner says "you idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

    the clerk says "oh, yeah, look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
  • FiveB247x
    FiveB247x Posts: 2,330
    a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch...

    the bartender says...what's that for?

    the pirate says... it drives me nuts..
    CONservative governMENt

    Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis
  • HeadlongRush
    HeadlongRush Posts: 290
    Okay, so A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says...


    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


    ---
    Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. --Douglas Adams

    I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.

    YDWWMPJC?!!
  • sourdough
    sourdough Posts: 579
    Q: Why are French streets lined with trees?

    A: The Germans prefer to march in the shade.
  • Commy
    Commy Posts: 4,984
    a good thread...
  • Commy
    Commy Posts: 4,984
    what has 9 arms and sucks?














    def lepard


    (from sweet adeline)
  • my2hands
    my2hands Posts: 17,117
    Retirement Bonus
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> >The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
    >>> early
    >>> >retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
    >>> retirement
    >>> >a
    >>> >bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
    >>> any two
    >>> >points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
    >>> would
    >>> >be.
    >>> >
    >>> >The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
    >>> top of
    >>> >his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
    >>> walked out
    >>> >with a bonus of $72,000.
    >>> >
    >>> >The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
    >>> >measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
    >>> walked out
    >>> >with $96,000.
    >>> >
    >>> >The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when a sked
    >>> where he
    >>> >would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
    >>> >testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want
    >>> to
    >>> >reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
    >>> officers
    >>> >had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
    >>> along with
    >>> >him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The
    >>> medical
    >>> >officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em," which he
    >>> did. The
    >>> >medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
    >>> weenie
    >>> >and
    >>> >began to work back.
    >>> >
    >>> >"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
    >>> >
    >>> >The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam."
  • my2hands
    my2hands Posts: 17,117
    pearl jam rules wrote:
    this was good. except for laura bush being included. george and cheney can go but let's keep laura. she's nice and helps kids learn how to read. and she's fuckin hot

    laura bush is hot?
  • oil alternative
    oil alternative Posts: 192
    what does a man with a 10 inch cock (penis for the foreigners) have for breakfast?







































    this morning i had a bacon sarnie!!
    www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral

    To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
  • dunkman
    dunkman Posts: 19,646
    i suppose the cockerel just had a few grains scattered around??




    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

    After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come."

    The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"

    Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • oil alternative
    oil alternative Posts: 192
    2 old grannies were sitting on a bench haver a natter and all of a sudden a streaker runs past them.....

    1 of them had a stroke

    the other 1 couldn't reach
    www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral

    To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
  • not4u
    not4u Posts: 512
    What do you say to the police after you have trapped, poisoned and gassed the entire Canadian Conservative convention?
    "i thought they were rats." lol
    we don't want war, but we still want more?
  • dunkman
    dunkman Posts: 19,646
    two bags of puke were walking thorugh a park one day.... one stopped and started to cry and the other said "whats wrong old pal... why are you crying" and the teary bag of puke says "ohhh its nothing... just that i was brought up around here"
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • dunkman
    dunkman Posts: 19,646
    Q: Why did George Bush fall off his bike?

    A: I chucked a brick at his face
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • oil alternative
    oil alternative Posts: 192
    dunkman1974 wrote:
    Q: Why did George Bush fall off his bike?

    A: I chucked a brick at his face

    you could have said his stabilizers weren't fixed on properly but i think your answer is better and more desirable.
    www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral

    To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
  • PJfanFORlife
    PJfanFORlife Posts: 138
    One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
    The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

    Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
    Guess I'll trn on music instead...

    ccfa.org

    http://organicconsumers.com/

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