Official Announcement:
> The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
an Eagle to
> a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's
political stance.
> A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation,
> protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're
> actually being screwed.
> Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
sometimes you're the boxer...sometimes you're the bag...
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
sometimes you're the boxer...sometimes you're the bag...
An Eskimo is driving through the Welsh countryside and his car breaks down, so he calls out the AA, upon opening his bonnet and checking the engine over the Welsh AA man says "ahh you've blown a seal"
with this the Eskimo replies "so what? you fuck sheep!"
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
Got this text from a republican buddy of mine last night:
"I've decided to dress up as a democrat for a friend's Halloween party. I plan to show up with nothing, stick my hand out and have everyone else share their candy with me."
"Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool." -- Charles Barkley
this is a great thread...thanks for your ingenuity...
Well its been two years since it was last contributed to, so i thought i'd dust it off! Wait till Dunkman see's it, can't wait to see his next post on here!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
"A man and a woman are lying in bed talking to God. They are financially strapped due to the current economic climate. They turn to God and ask him, "God, is it true than a trillion dollars to us is like one dollar to you."
God responds, "Yes, my children."
The couple is very impressed and want to know more about the infinite power of God. "God, is it true that a billion years on Earth is just like one second to you in Heaven?"
God responds, "Yes, my children."
The man and woman are very impressed, and have an idea. "God," they ask, "could we borrow a dollar?"
God responds, "Of course, my children. Just hold on one second."
My friend came over from Japan and was showing an interest in UK politics,
I said
"do you have elections in Japan?"
"Oh every morning" he replied!
ddddmtshhh (my best attempt at spelling a drum noise)
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
"When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
0
g under p
Surfing The far side of THE Sombrero Galaxy Posts: 18,200
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
I must say laughter is a good thing on a Monday morning and it's amazing thatthis thread was started back in 2005.
Peace
*We CAN bomb the World to pieces, but we CAN'T bomb it into PEACE*...Michael Franti
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
A dog goes to the post office and says he needs to send a telegram,
"ok what is the content?" says the cashier,
"woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof" replies the dog!
The cashier remarks that for a few extra pence he can include a couple more 'woofs'
"Yeah but that'd sound fucking stupid" says the dog!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
“This credit crunch is worse than a divorce – I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!”
I think this has been around for a while, but has been updated
Ecownomics:
21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all our cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
A couple of hours with me and there wouldn't be any!!!!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
A horribly offensive joke that probably shouldn't be repeated:
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Sorry.
No worries. I wanted to post that joke, but was skeered of the backlash. :eek:
If I had known then what I know now...
Vegas 93, Vegas 98, Vegas 00 (10 year show), Vegas 03, Vegas 06
VIC 07
EV LA1 08
Seattle1 09, Seattle2 09, Salt Lake 09, LA4 09
Columbus 10
EV LA 11
Vancouver 11
Missoula 12
Portland 13, Spokane 13
St. Paul 14, Denver 14
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
Ingenius!!!! Thanks....
all insanity:
a derivitive of nature.
nature is god
god is love
love is light
Tomcat is on a plane, makes his way into the cockpit and sticks a gun in the pilots back and says......."Take me to the canaries"
whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
all insanity:
a derivitive of nature.
nature is god
god is love
love is light
Barack has just won the election and after doing the rounds he settles in for the night. Michelle walks in to the bedroom completely naked and with a full brazillian wax to boot. Barack looks stunned as she points down there and says "Read my lips NO MORE BUSH!!'
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
An Eskimo is driving through the Welsh countryside and his car breaks down, so he calls out the AA, upon opening his bonnet and checking the engine over the Welsh AA man says "ahh you've blown a seal"
with this the Eskimo replies "so what? you fuck sheep!"
Even as a Welshman I love that joke!
Cymru Am Byth
PJ albums, at the moment!! -
1,Vs 2,Vitalogy 3,No Code 4,Yield 5,Ten 6,Backspacer, 7Pearl Jam 8,Binaural 9,Riot Act.
Comments
> The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
an Eagle to
> a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's
political stance.
> A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation,
> protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're
> actually being screwed.
> Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this
job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
A: One is a big Nazi gasbag and the other is a derigible.
with this the Eskimo replies "so what? you fuck sheep!"
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
a derivitive of nature.
nature is god
god is love
love is light
"I've decided to dress up as a democrat for a friend's Halloween party. I plan to show up with nothing, stick my hand out and have everyone else share their candy with me."
Well its been two years since it was last contributed to, so i thought i'd dust it off! Wait till Dunkman see's it, can't wait to see his next post on here!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
"A man and a woman are lying in bed talking to God. They are financially strapped due to the current economic climate. They turn to God and ask him, "God, is it true than a trillion dollars to us is like one dollar to you."
God responds, "Yes, my children."
The couple is very impressed and want to know more about the infinite power of God. "God, is it true that a billion years on Earth is just like one second to you in Heaven?"
God responds, "Yes, my children."
The man and woman are very impressed, and have an idea. "God," they ask, "could we borrow a dollar?"
God responds, "Of course, my children. Just hold on one second."
(rimshot)
He came out of the cupboard.
I said
"do you have elections in Japan?"
"Oh every morning" he replied!
ddddmtshhh (my best attempt at spelling a drum noise)
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave. McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife, Cindy, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?' Obama replied, "Go ahead". Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
"ok what is the content?" says the cashier,
"woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof" replies the dog!
The cashier remarks that for a few extra pence he can include a couple more 'woofs'
"Yeah but that'd sound fucking stupid" says the dog!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
“This credit crunch is worse than a divorce – I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife!”
I think this has been around for a while, but has been updated
Ecownomics:
21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all our cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Sorry.
A couple of hours with me and there wouldn't be any!!!!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
Zing.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son::
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
want to be enlightened"
No worries. I wanted to post that joke, but was skeered of the backlash. :eek:
Vegas 93, Vegas 98, Vegas 00 (10 year show), Vegas 03, Vegas 06
VIC 07
EV LA1 08
Seattle1 09, Seattle2 09, Salt Lake 09, LA4 09
Columbus 10
EV LA 11
Vancouver 11
Missoula 12
Portland 13, Spokane 13
St. Paul 14, Denver 14
a derivitive of nature.
nature is god
god is love
love is light
whadya expect it's 1:35 AM!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
that poor cat is gonna be sooo disappointed.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
a derivitive of nature.
nature is god
god is love
love is light
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Even as a Welshman I love that joke!
PJ albums, at the moment!! -
1,Vs 2,Vitalogy 3,No Code 4,Yield 5,Ten 6,Backspacer, 7Pearl Jam 8,Binaural 9,Riot Act.
It was a shitzu!
PJ albums, at the moment!! -
1,Vs 2,Vitalogy 3,No Code 4,Yield 5,Ten 6,Backspacer, 7Pearl Jam 8,Binaural 9,Riot Act.