Me: Say there honey you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?
Ms Jolie: Why no!
Me: Have you ever had a parakeet on your right shoulder then?
Ms Jolie: Nope...
Me: Bet you've had a cockatoo in your mouth though.
result is that Ms Jolie slept with me but made me clean Brad's shoes before leaving.
this one has mixed results when overseas. after opening the conversation and somebody asks where i'm from....
me: australia. you sound like you have a bit of australian in you, do you?
her: ahh not actually
me: would you like a bit??
if you love somebody, set them free. if somebody loves you, don't fuck up
i thought this was a good joke for the moving train...
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out
of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
this was good. except for laura bush being included. george and cheney can go but let's keep laura. she's nice and helps kids learn how to read. and she's fuckin hot
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive & practicing law.
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
make sure the fortune that you seek...is the fortune that you need
Two blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Ooo, look! Deer tracks!"
"No way," said the second blonde. "Those are totally, like, rabbit tracks."
"Deer tracks!"
"Rabbit tracks!"
........They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. --Douglas Adams
I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.
the owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. the owner asks the clerk "what's with the guy over there by the wall?"
the clerk says "well he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. i couldn't find the cough syrup so i gave him an entire bottle of laxatives"
the owner says "you idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
the clerk says "oh, yeah, look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch...
the bartender says...what's that for?
the pirate says... it drives me nuts..
CONservative governMENt
Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis
Okay, so A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
---
Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all. --Douglas Adams
I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.
Retirement Bonus
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
>>> early
>>> >retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
>>> retirement
>>> >a
>>> >bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
>>> any two
>>> >points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
>>> would
>>> >be.
>>> >
>>> >The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
>>> top of
>>> >his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
>>> walked out
>>> >with a bonus of $72,000.
>>> >
>>> >The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
>>> >measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
>>> walked out
>>> >with $96,000.
>>> >
>>> >The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when a sked
>>> where he
>>> >would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
>>> >testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want
>>> to
>>> >reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
>>> officers
>>> >had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
>>> along with
>>> >him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The
>>> medical
>>> >officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em," which he
>>> did. The
>>> >medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
>>> weenie
>>> >and
>>> >began to work back.
>>> >
>>> >"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
>>> >
>>> >The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam."
this was good. except for laura bush being included. george and cheney can go but let's keep laura. she's nice and helps kids learn how to read. and she's fuckin hot
what does a man with a 10 inch cock (penis for the foreigners) have for breakfast?
this morning i had a bacon sarnie!!
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
i suppose the cockerel just had a few grains scattered around??
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
2 old grannies were sitting on a bench haver a natter and all of a sudden a streaker runs past them.....
1 of them had a stroke
the other 1 couldn't reach
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
two bags of puke were walking thorugh a park one day.... one stopped and started to cry and the other said "whats wrong old pal... why are you crying" and the teary bag of puke says "ohhh its nothing... just that i was brought up around here"
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
you could have said his stabilizers weren't fixed on properly but i think your answer is better and more desirable.
www.myspace.com/rockmastergeneral
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
A jew and a chinaman are talking about history. The jew says "it was horrible what you did to america at pearl harbour!" The chinaman says, "it was the japanese not the chinese." The jew says, "chinese, japanese, it is all the same to me." The chinaman replies, "it was horrible what the jews did to the titanic!" To this the jew says, "it hit an iceburg." "iceburg, goldburg, it is all the same to me."
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
ha ha ha ha...i like that one!
sometimes you're the boxer...sometimes you're the bag...
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable"
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
Comments
this one has mixed results when overseas. after opening the conversation and somebody asks where i'm from....
me: australia. you sound like you have a bit of australian in you, do you?
her: ahh not actually
me: would you like a bit??
this was good. except for laura bush being included. george and cheney can go but let's keep laura. she's nice and helps kids learn how to read. and she's fuckin hot
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive & practicing law.
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
The first blonde said, "Ooo, look! Deer tracks!"
"No way," said the second blonde. "Those are totally, like, rabbit tracks."
"Deer tracks!"
"Rabbit tracks!"
........They were still arguing when the train hit them.
I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.
YDWWMPJC?!!
the clerk says "well he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. i couldn't find the cough syrup so i gave him an entire bottle of laxatives"
the owner says "you idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
the clerk says "oh, yeah, look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
the bartender says...what's that for?
the pirate says... it drives me nuts..
Our government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example. Crime is contagious. If the government becomes a law-breaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy. - Louis Brandeis
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
---
I have flying monkeys, and I'm not afraid to use them.
YDWWMPJC?!!
A: The Germans prefer to march in the shade.
def lepard
(from sweet adeline)
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
>>> early
>>> >retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
>>> retirement
>>> >a
>>> >bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
>>> any two
>>> >points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
>>> would
>>> >be.
>>> >
>>> >The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
>>> top of
>>> >his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
>>> walked out
>>> >with a bonus of $72,000.
>>> >
>>> >The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
>>> >measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
>>> walked out
>>> >with $96,000.
>>> >
>>> >The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when a sked
>>> where he
>>> >would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
>>> >testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want
>>> to
>>> >reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
>>> officers
>>> >had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go
>>> along with
>>> >him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The
>>> medical
>>> >officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em," which he
>>> did. The
>>> >medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
>>> weenie
>>> >and
>>> >began to work back.
>>> >
>>> >"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
>>> >
>>> >The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam."
laura bush is hot?
this morning i had a bacon sarnie!!
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
1 of them had a stroke
the other 1 couldn't reach
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
"i thought they were rats." lol
A: I chucked a brick at his face
you could have said his stabilizers weren't fixed on properly but i think your answer is better and more desirable.
To break down borders and realise that we are one species and then the true patriotism comes from pride and love of the human race, not from the tribes of which we currently are divided, open your eyes your mind will see! - ME
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
ccfa.org
http://organicconsumers.com/
"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind of person owned buisnesses."
ccfa.org
http://organicconsumers.com/
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
ccfa.org
http://organicconsumers.com/
Happy New Year Everybody!!!!!!!
ha ha ha ha...i like that one!
he looked at me and said, "dustin, you have got to stop masturbating."
and i said, "why doc, is it ruining my eyesight? am i going blind?"
and he said, "no, its just really, really distracting me right now."
the baretender says, "Don't be starting anything in here."
hehehe i like it.
why wasn't jesus born in australia? they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
Take my hand, my child of love
Come step inside my tears
Swim the magic ocean,
I've been crying all these years
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."