In the spirit of V-day, humor me

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

ok... lol, I haven't met too many people I've seen as a potential boyfriend!

well for a while between THAT period... and asking that guy out (yep, I asked him out... kinda surprised myself more than him), there WAS a time when I really had no interest in flirting, chatting up, being chatted up, relationships whatever! Often men would be flirting with me and I genuinely had no clue... til my friends would point it out and I'm like 'duhhhhh'

I really wouldn't worry about your situation GTD... it probably won't last too long... but it might be part of a natural progression for you like it was for me. Have you ever been treated badly by men in the past or anything?

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

Have you ever been treated badly by men in the past or anything?

well it depends what you mean by "treated badly." I've never been abused or hit or anything like that. but until about age 24-25, every boy/man I met, whether I knew them or not, decided it was their responsibility to tell me I was hideous and they did not approve of me (I did have 4 very close guy friends in high school and one or two in college who weren't really like this though). And then when I finally stated dating, I ran into the common things of guy just not respecting you- you know, not calling you back, etc. and boyfriends I did not get along with, But I've never been like "treated badly-badly."

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well it depends what you mean by "treated badly." I've never been abused or hit or anything like that. but until about age 24-25, every boy/man I met, whether I knew them or not, decided it was their responsibility to tell me I was hideous and they did not approve of me (I did have 4 very close guy friends in high school and one or two in college who weren't really like this though). And then when I finally stated dating, I ran into the common things of guy just not respecting you- you know, not calling you back, etc. and boyfriends I did not get along with, But I've never been like "treated badly-badly."

That IS treated badly and that can seriously damage your self esteem... if you're told that enough times you would start to believe it.

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

That IS treated badly and that can seriously damage your self esteem... if you're told that enough times you would start to believe it.

well I just grew up to believe that men are very mean and scary .
I don't really feel that way anymore, obviously. But it's funny like there was this guy in my grad program who was like really "traditionally good-looking." Like he could have been the captain of the high school football team kind of guy. I immediately was almost afraid of him, I wouldn't talk to him class, I tried not to make eye contact with him -just out of pure instinct. I realized I was doing it at one point...anyway, one day I had to work with him on a project and he was the nicest, sweetest guy and I got along with him great after that...but it was weird how my instincts told me to be afraid of him, even as an adjusted adult.

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well I just grew up to believe that men are very mean and scary .
I don't really feel that way anymore, obviously. But it's funny like there was this guy in my grad program who was like really "traditionally good-looking." Like he could have been the captain of the high school football team kind of guy. I immediately was almost afraid of him, I wouldn't talk to him class, I tried not to make eye contact with him -just out of pure instinct. I realized I was doing it at one point...anyway, one day I had to work with him on a project and he was the nicest, sweetest guy and I got along with him great after that...but it was weird how my instincts told me to be afraid of him, even as an adjusted adult.

but why was it cos he was 'traditionally good looking'? Perhaps cos you've been put down and put yourself down so much that you now view yourself as somehow not worthy to speak to anybody in what you consider a higher social category to yourself? And I think the story suggests otherwise as to the 'adjusted adult' bit :( you need to talk to somebody and you know that. Your efforts to convince everyone that you're happily single don't hide the fact that you're confused about WHY you're single and, since every thread you start seems to be relationship orientated, that suggests you're not TRULY happy about being single. There seems to be a lof of things that you just need to figure out.

Also, not having a go here or anything... but do you ever have 'feelings' towards other women? It would really be helpful if you did

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

but why was it cos he was 'traditionally good looking'? Perhaps cos you've been put down and put yourself down so much that you now view yourself as somehow not worthy to speak to anybody in what you consider a higher social category to yourself?

no it was just usually "traditionally good-looking" men who were always the meanest. I don't consider them a higher social status (I actually would probably consider them lower as a result).

Heineken Helen wrote:

Your efforts to convince everyone that you're happily single don't hide the fact that you're confused about WHY you're single and, since every thread you start seems to be relationship orientated, that suggests you're not TRULY happy about being single. There seems to be a lof of things that you just need to figure out.

I am happily single, I think everyone should be single really . But I still think about how these things work in the world. I'm not confused as to *why* I'm single. there just seems to be this phenomenon going on that I don't understand, so I'm trying to figure that out. And some day I would probably like to date, but if I don't know how to do it...that's going to be a problem. I mean I have dated before and I've even had a boyfriend, but I've never been able to do it without the "crutch" and I've never been able to get anyone to be interested in me, so it's like a challenge I guess.

and I post about it because everyone seems to respond, it's interesting, it's something to talk about. And I get curious about it when I'm bored in the tiny office all day...

Heineken Helen wrote:

Also, not having a go here or anything... but do you ever have 'feelings' towards other women? It would really be helpful if you did

no I don't like girls, why would it be helpful if I did?

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I am happily single, I think everyone should be single really .

who ya trying to convince?

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

no I don't like girls, why would it be helpful if I did?

cos then we'd be able to understand why relationships and dating don't come easy to you...

GreenTeaDisease

Heineken Helen wrote:

who ya trying to convince?

cos then we'd be able to understand why relationships and dating don't come easy to you...

I'm not trying to convince anyone, I'm very proud of it because it makes me different. and I would never, ever, ever want to be un-single just for the sake of being un-single. I only want to be un-single under perfect circumstances (which is why I want to know how to get rid of match.com!)

GreenTeaDisease

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I'm not trying to convince anyone, I'm very proud of it because it makes me different. and I would never, ever, ever want to be un-single just for the sake of being un-single. I only want to be un-single under perfect circumstances (which is why I want to know how to get rid of match.com!)

wow, sorry to quote myself, but on my walk to get lunch, I figure out what it is going on in terms of liking being single:

1) I like being SINGLE and I don't really care to be in a relationship however
2) I would love to be able to get someone to like me just to see if I can do it

WildChildRose

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

wow, sorry to quote myself, but on my walk to get lunch, I figure out what it is going on in terms of liking being single:

1) I like being SINGLE and I don't really care to be in a relationship however
2) I would love to be able to get someone to like me just to see if I can do it

Just to see if you can do it? I don't think most people would appreciate their hearts being used in that way. If you like being single then just stay that way.

GreenTeaDisease

WildChildRose wrote:

Just to see if you can do it? I don't think most people would appreciate their hearts being used in that way. If you like being single then just stay that way.

well no I mean might stay with them and stuff, I wouldn't like use them, and I want to get someone to like me who I also like. I'm saying I don't want a relationship because it's better than being single- I don't care for one life style over the other- but I want to know that I can get this stuff to happen...

daystar143

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

my curiosity about these things is never satisfied... this is something I just can't figure our how many people I ask and how many times it comes up on this board. So as specifically as possible, please answer these 2 questions for me:

1) How did you MEET your significant other (or your last one)? Work? School? Bar? Match.com? Did one of you drop your papers on the street and look up and see the other one and fall in love at first sight?

2) How did you then TRANSITION from just knowing this person or liking them to actually being in a romantic relationship? Did you ask them out on a date and then it was just implied? Did you suddenly like kiss or something? Did you just like, tell them you liked them?

thanks for the help with my research!!!

I don't know how I met my significant other, now husband of a year and a half. Ty and I have been friends for nearly 25 years and we don't actually remember when how and when we met. I was dating the older brother of his best friend. We hit it off and stayed friends, trivial pursuit partners, hide in the corner at parties and argue politics and world history pals, and in general, were dear, dear friends.

As to the transition, it's a somewhat sad story, but one that may offer hope to others. I married that older brother of Ty's friend. Married for 23 years with a beautiful 15 year old daughter, Amy. Then my husband died of complications of a heart attack at the age of 43.

I thought about laying down and dying, too, but there was Amy to think about. So I kept moving. I don't remember a lot of those days and it's prolly just as well.

I also got tired of walking into events as a solo and having everyone look at me with pity in their eyes. So....in early December one year when I got an invitaiton to a New Year's Eve party, I screwed up my courage and called an old, dear friend, Ty, to see if he would go with me as a friend. He said yes. (We now jokingly refer to it as the mercy date). I figured I'd hear from him again on December 31 to gracefully bow out. We kept talking on the phone off and on all that week of early December and one night, I mentioned a movie I wanted to see. He offered to take me. I said sure. Hung up the phone wondering if I'd just said yes to a date. Took me hours to get ready...which is really a scream because he'd seen me in barngirl mode with no makeup, hair in a ponytail, overalls and horseshit encrusted boots on more than one occasion.

I think I knew I was in love by the time the evening was over. He had me at the first kiss. I am still as madly, truly, deeply in love, even more so now.

WildChildRose

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well no I mean might stay with them and stuff, I wouldn't like use them, and I want to get someone to like me who I also like. I'm saying I don't want a relationship because it's better than being single- I don't care for one life style over the other- but I want to know that I can get this stuff to happen...

Hmm. I dunno, if its that much of a problem maybe you need to expand where you have looked. I lived in VA most of my life. Hated it. Crappy people.... crappy area... sooooo glad to be thousands of miles away. I moved to Seattle, lived here about a year and met the guy for me. Maybe you should get out of that area and find a new place to explore.

GreenTeaDisease

WildChildRose wrote:

Hmm. I dunno, if its that much of a problem maybe you need to expand where you have looked. I lived in VA most of my life. Hated it. Crappy people.... crappy area... sooooo glad to be thousands of miles away. I moved to Seattle, lived here about a year and met the guy for me. Maybe you should get out of that area and find a new place to explore.

I lived in north carolina for the past 2 years, I just moved here, I'm not moving for a while!

meme

daystar143 wrote:

I don't know how I met my significant other, now husband of a year and a half. Ty and I have been friends for nearly 25 years and we don't actually remember when how and when we met. I was dating the older brother of his best friend. We hit it off and stayed friends, trivial pursuit partners, hide in the corner at parties and argue politics and world history pals, and in general, were dear, dear friends.

As to the transition, it's a somewhat sad story, but one that may offer hope to others. I married that older brother of Ty's friend. Married for 23 years with a beautiful 15 year old daughter, Amy. Then my husband died of complications of a heart attack at the age of 43.

I thought about laying down and dying, too, but there was Amy to think about. So I kept moving. I don't remember a lot of those days and it's prolly just as well.

I also got tired of walking into events as a solo and having everyone look at me with pity in their eyes. So....in early December one year when I got an invitaiton to a New Year's Eve party, I screwed up my courage and called an old, dear friend, Ty, to see if he would go with me as a friend. He said yes. (We now jokingly refer to it as the mercy date). I figured I'd hear from him again on December 31 to gracefully bow out. We kept talking on the phone off and on all that week of early December and one night, I mentioned a movie I wanted to see. He offered to take me. I said sure. Hung up the phone wondering if I'd just said yes to a date. Took me hours to get ready...which is really a scream because he'd seen me in barngirl mode with no makeup, hair in a ponytail, overalls and horseshit encrusted boots on more than one occasion.

I think I knew I was in love by the time the evening was over. He had me at the first kiss. I am still as madly, truly, deeply in love, even more so now.

That's a beautiful story, thanks for sharing it

decides2dream

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I only want to be un-single under perfect circumstances (which is why I want to know how to get rid of match.com!)

i have not read this thread...just this last page and the first post.


just have to say, you will NEVER want to be 'un-single' then...b/c there are NO *perfect circumstances*....in life really, but most definitely not relationships. to me, relationships are ALL about accepting the imperfections, and being madly in love anyway.


as to my husband, we grew up in the same neighborhood. i didn't 'know' him tho, just saw him here or there. i went to private school, he public. in HS my first love worked with my husband's best friend, so we saw each other from time to time. ends up he had a mad crush on me all that time, but i had my BF, he had a GF...and we were both happy in our other couplings. i always thought he was unbearably cute...and painfully shy. i actually thought he didn't like me at all b/c he never spoke to me.....found out later it was b/c he was so crazy about me, and did i mention shy? shoot ahead a couple years later: i break up with my first love, date some others...had another serious realtionship, then split...got together with old friends for a party, and there is my husband. i am single, he is single. HE approaches ME to say hello, to chat....and it is *electric*...we talk ALL night. it started right there, and the following weekend, another party....we meet again....we leave and go to the beach, we talk...and we kiss....and the rest is..my life. sure, lots of time apart - we were VERY young - i lived abroad, we split for a while, other difficulties, etc......but we always managed back together. got married, lots of other *life*....more difficulties...more happiness..........and close to 21 years since our first kiss, here we are.


there's no *formula*............just to be you, be honest.....go for what you want. it doesn't sound like you want a relationship so i don't really know why bother? i mean, if you want sex...sure.....easy enough to get that with no strings, but if you don't want more i don't know why someone would want to 'date.' dating in and of itself can be fun, what i remember anyway ...but most eventually want *more* from it, thus why they date. those who don't want it, just usually don't bother. not a bad choice either. it's just good to know what you want and persue that, can't go wrong there.

Heineken Helen

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

well no I mean might stay with them and stuff, I wouldn't like use them, and I want to get someone to like me who I also like. I'm saying I don't want a relationship because it's better than being single- I don't care for one life style over the other- but I want to know that I can get this stuff to happen...

I actually know what ya mean... I felt like that too. And it seems maybe you're ready to try now? I think you get used to being one way or the other... I think everyone has known people who jump from relationship to relationship cos maybe they just can't be single... and then there are those who don't know how to be in a relationship. It's nothing to be ashamed of

Sian-of-the-dead

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

my curiosity about these things is never satisfied... this is something I just can't figure our how many people I ask and how many times it comes up on this board. So as specifically as possible, please answer these 2 questions for me:

1) How did you MEET your significant other (or your last one)? Work? School? Bar? Match.com? Did one of you drop your papers on the street and look up and see the other one and fall in love at first sight?

2) How did you then TRANSITION from just knowing this person or liking them to actually being in a romantic relationship? Did you ask them out on a date and then it was just implied? Did you suddenly like kiss or something? Did you just like, tell them you liked them?

thanks for the help with my research!!!

1) Through mutual love of PJ

2) Our transition in mathematical terms:

Me + Him = friends

Friends + Birmingham = Hidden emotion

Hidden emotion - Ireland + his understanding and general greatness = Expression of feelings

Expression of feelings + London - Heineken Helen and Evolutionary = Confirmation

Confirmation + discussion x understanding x time spent together = Us


nicely done :cool:

Heineken Helen

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

1) Through mutual love of PJ

2) Our transition in mathematical terms:

Me + Him = friends

Friends + Birmingham = Hidden emotion

Hidden emotion - Ireland + his understanding and general greatness = Expression of feelings

Expression of feelings + London - Heineken Helen and Evolutionary = Confirmation

Confirmation + discussion x understanding x time spent together = Us


nicely done :cool:

Good luck trying to figure THAT out for anyone not familiar with the story

chime

Heineken Helen wrote:

Good luck trying to figure THAT out for anyone not familiar with the story

You and Evolutionary count as a minus