A bird with arms

cory

I go to get breakfast this morning and sit down inside my truck and look out my window as I turned my key. I then realized that there are some species of birds that have to have arms as well as wings. Otherwise there would be no way to explain the record setting amount of bird shit that was left on my windshield.

What I imagine happening is that a condor ate an eagle and then landed on my hood. He then lifted his wings and used his arms to spread his butthole open to drop the 5 gallon bucket of egg nog across my freshly washed truck.

Be careful out there. Some animals have no respect for other's property.

If you see a condor with an abnormally large anal cavity, that's the one that got me.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Might have been a bit of wind backsplash. Was it a runny one? Or eagle shaped?

tybird

cory wrote:

I go to get breakfast this morning and sit down inside my truck and look out my window as I turned my key. I then realized that there are some species of birds that have to have arms as well as wings. Otherwise there would be no way to explain the record setting amount of bird shit that was left on my windshield.

What I imagine happening is that a condor ate an eagle and then landed on my hood. He then lifted his wings and used his arms to spread his butthole open to drop the 5 gallon bucket of egg nog across my freshly washed truck.

Be careful out there. Some animals have no respect for other's property.

If you see a condor with an abnormally large anal cavity, that's the one that got me.

If there's a condor flying around your neck of the woods....that's big news. Sorry, no birds with arms exist today. Many do have the ability to projectile poop.

cory

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

Might have been a bit of wind backsplash. Was it a runny one? Or eagle shaped?

I think it was Pterodactyl shaped.

I always heard the saying, "Funny thing about the dark spot in the middle of bird shit is that it's bird shit too"

In my case, that dark spot was a baby grand piano.

I'd like to say bravo to that bird's asshole. Well played.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Well played to the people who built your windscreen, too.

cory

tybird wrote:

If there's a condor flying around your neck of the woods....that's big news. Sorry, no birds with arms exist today. Many do have the ability to projectile poop.

I don't know. I think bird has arms and is ranked 4th in the world in the light heavyweight division of MMA.

Items found while scraping off my windshield:

Entire set of silverware

1987 Ford Fiesta

A trampoline

And a pine tree

I don't think that could have happened without the aid of arms.

Jeanie

You realize of course that bird shit falling on you is lucky?

So you must be really, really lucky cory!!!

bostonlou

how's that luck working out for you??

your chick still scheduled to pop out another rug rat??

cory

bostonlou wrote:

how's that luck working out for you??

your chick still scheduled to pop out another rug rat??

6 more weeks. I have other problems at my house besides bird poop and future baby poop.

It seems a racoon the size of Zeus' balls has taken up residence in my attic. He outsmarts my traps. I can't shoot a gun in the city limits, so that's not an option. During the day, he'll stand on my roof and stare at me like I'm an asshole. The other night, I left my garage door up on purpose and left some food out to draw him in. He triggered the light sensor so I went out my front door to the side of my house where he was, armed with the heaviest object I could find....that's right, an 8" long Craftsman flathead screwdriver. When I saw him, he saw me. It was kind of funny. We stood there staring at each other for a minute. He broke to go up the lattice by my garbage cans. As a former quarterback, I felt pretty comfortable with the 12 yard throw I had at him. I felt like Sho Kosugi in Revenge of the Ninja (probably one of the best films ever made, but I digress) as I let the flathead fly. Unfortunately, I heard the molded plastic handle hit the brick on my home instead of the racoons face like I had hoped. Afterwards, when he was on the roof, I thought I heard him laugh and say "lick my balls bitch." I went inside and lifted the scuttle hole cover to my attic and gently said "I'm gonna kill you motherfucker." Then I realized I was talking to an animal. But in my defense, I could have sworn he spoke English.

To sum up, racoons can suck my nuts.

josevolution

what is it with you and animals did you get rid of the racoon yet and now you are onto condor's i thought they only exist down where i was born in the ANDES .......they must be running out of food down there ......

cory

josevolution wrote:

what is it with you and animals did you get rid of the racoon yet and now you are onto condor's i thought they only exist down where i was born in the ANDES .......they must be running out of food down there ......

I don't know dude. You would think I lived in fucking Africa.

Racoon is still alive and well. Son of a bitch:mad:

josevolution

there has to be a way to catch that damm racoon i hope you trap it soon and remember you can sell it to someone who will eat it.

dontloseyourheat

get a pellet gun.
shoot pellet gun
kill racoon
hang dead racoon in your front yard as a warning sign to other racoons...and your neighbors

cory

josevolution wrote:

there has to be a way to catch that damm racoon i hope you trap it soon and remember you can sell it to someone who will eat it.

There are people who come out and trap them for a fee. They charge $100 to set the traps up and then $30 more each time they come out to check the traps. I told them no thanks. I'm capable of using my creative thinking ability to outsmart the racoon so I can get a clean shot at it with my Demarini softball bat. So far, that has not been the case.

And if anybody is wondering, I'm not a hunter and I don't own a bow or I would do it that way. The way I'm doing it involves a little risk because if you know anything about raccons, then you know they will tear your face off if they get close enough to you. I hope he doesn't scratch this pretty face.....if he does, I predict there will be a firearm discharge violation. .40 cal Sig Sauer on that ass one time.

cory

dontloseyourheat wrote:

get a pellet gun.
shoot pellet gun
kill racoon
hang dead racoon in your front yard as a warning sign to other racoons...and your neighbors

Hahahaha.....this racoon weighs 30 pounds. He shoots pellets from his pee hole. He would laugh at me if I aimed one at him.

bostonlou

cory wrote:

6 more weeks. I have other problems at my house besides bird poop and future baby poop.

It seems a racoon the size of Zeus' balls has taken up residence in my attic. He outsmarts my traps. I can't shoot a gun in the city limits, so that's not an option. During the day, he'll stand on my roof and stare at me like I'm an asshole. The other night, I left my garage door up on purpose and left some food out to draw him in. He triggered the light sensor so I went out my front door to the side of my house where he was, armed with the heaviest object I could find....that's right, an 8" long Craftsman flathead screwdriver. When I saw him, he saw me. It was kind of funny. We stood there staring at each other for a minute. He broke to go up the lattice by my garbage cans. As a former quarterback, I felt pretty comfortable with the 12 yard throw I had at him. I felt like Sho Kosugi in Revenge of the Ninja (probably one of the best films ever made, but I digress) as I let the flathead fly. Unfortunately, I heard the molded plastic handle hit the brick on my home instead of the racoons face like I had hoped. Afterwards, when he was on the roof, I thought I heard him laugh and say "lick my balls bitch." I went inside and lifted the scuttle hole cover to my attic and gently said "I'm gonna kill you motherfucker." Then I realized I was talking to an animal. But in my defense, I could have sworn he spoke English.

To sum up, racoons can suck my nuts.

you should name him bostonlou

cory

bostonlou wrote:

you should name him bostonlou

When it's just me and him, I call him dead motherfucker.

Around my kids, I call him the masked bandit that daddy hates. And then I whisper dead motherfucker to myself.

bostonlou

cory wrote:

When it's just me and him, I call him dead motherfucker.

Around my kids, I call him the masked bandit that daddy hates. And then I whisper dead motherfucker to myself.

and then he and the kids giggle at you and tell you to go back in the kitchen and make some potpie while they watch chazz and biffy

cory

bostonlou wrote:

and then he and the kids giggle at you and tell you to go back in the kitchen and make some potpie while they watch chazz and biffy

That made me laugh.

I'll give an update tomorrow on my plot to murder the coon.

If I don't post, that means I got my face clawed off and I'm in the hospital getting rabies shots. I'm feeling all nervous with excitement.

I'll post pics if I catch him in the trap. I'll be the one posing like a rapper from 1985. Ohhh, and I'll be the human in the photo.

josevolution

cory wrote:

That made me laugh.

I'll give an update tomorrow on my plot to murder the coon.

If I don't post, that means I got my face clawed off and I'm in the hospital getting rabies shots. I'm feeling all nervous with excitement.

I'll post pics if I catch him in the trap. I'll be the one posing like a rapper from 1985. Ohhh, and I'll be the human in the photo.

hey only smile if you have all your teeth good luck with the bandit

cory

josevolution wrote:

hey only smile if you have all your teeth good luck with the bandit

Thanks bro. I'll be back in a bit......maybe.