A bird with arms
cory
Posts: 736
I go to get breakfast this morning and sit down inside my truck and look out my window as I turned my key. I then realized that there are some species of birds that have to have arms as well as wings. Otherwise there would be no way to explain the record setting amount of bird shit that was left on my windshield.
What I imagine happening is that a condor ate an eagle and then landed on my hood. He then lifted his wings and used his arms to spread his butthole open to drop the 5 gallon bucket of egg nog across my freshly washed truck.
Be careful out there. Some animals have no respect for other's property.
If you see a condor with an abnormally large anal cavity, that's the one that got me.
What I imagine happening is that a condor ate an eagle and then landed on my hood. He then lifted his wings and used his arms to spread his butthole open to drop the 5 gallon bucket of egg nog across my freshly washed truck.
Be careful out there. Some animals have no respect for other's property.
If you see a condor with an abnormally large anal cavity, that's the one that got me.
Revive the heart of the heartless...
Why would you start was has no end?
Why would you start was has no end?
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I think it was Pterodactyl shaped.
I always heard the saying, "Funny thing about the dark spot in the middle of bird shit is that it's bird shit too"
In my case, that dark spot was a baby grand piano.
I'd like to say bravo to that bird's asshole. Well played.
Why would you start was has no end?
I don't know. I think bird has arms and is ranked 4th in the world in the light heavyweight division of MMA.
Items found while scraping off my windshield:
Entire set of silverware
1987 Ford Fiesta
A trampoline
And a pine tree
I don't think that could have happened without the aid of arms.
Why would you start was has no end?
So you must be really, really lucky cory!!!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
your chick still scheduled to pop out another rug rat??
6 more weeks. I have other problems at my house besides bird poop and future baby poop.
It seems a racoon the size of Zeus' balls has taken up residence in my attic. He outsmarts my traps. I can't shoot a gun in the city limits, so that's not an option. During the day, he'll stand on my roof and stare at me like I'm an asshole. The other night, I left my garage door up on purpose and left some food out to draw him in. He triggered the light sensor so I went out my front door to the side of my house where he was, armed with the heaviest object I could find....that's right, an 8" long Craftsman flathead screwdriver. When I saw him, he saw me. It was kind of funny. We stood there staring at each other for a minute. He broke to go up the lattice by my garbage cans. As a former quarterback, I felt pretty comfortable with the 12 yard throw I had at him. I felt like Sho Kosugi in Revenge of the Ninja (probably one of the best films ever made, but I digress) as I let the flathead fly. Unfortunately, I heard the molded plastic handle hit the brick on my home instead of the racoons face like I had hoped. Afterwards, when he was on the roof, I thought I heard him laugh and say "lick my balls bitch." I went inside and lifted the scuttle hole cover to my attic and gently said "I'm gonna kill you motherfucker." Then I realized I was talking to an animal. But in my defense, I could have sworn he spoke English.
To sum up, racoons can suck my nuts.
Why would you start was has no end?
I don't know dude. You would think I lived in fucking Africa.
Racoon is still alive and well. Son of a bitch:mad:
Why would you start was has no end?
shoot pellet gun
kill racoon
hang dead racoon in your front yard as a warning sign to other racoons...and your neighbors
There are people who come out and trap them for a fee. They charge $100 to set the traps up and then $30 more each time they come out to check the traps. I told them no thanks. I'm capable of using my creative thinking ability to outsmart the racoon so I can get a clean shot at it with my Demarini softball bat. So far, that has not been the case.
And if anybody is wondering, I'm not a hunter and I don't own a bow or I would do it that way. The way I'm doing it involves a little risk because if you know anything about raccons, then you know they will tear your face off if they get close enough to you. I hope he doesn't scratch this pretty face.....if he does, I predict there will be a firearm discharge violation. .40 cal Sig Sauer on that ass one time.
Why would you start was has no end?
Hahahaha.....this racoon weighs 30 pounds. He shoots pellets from his pee hole. He would laugh at me if I aimed one at him.
Why would you start was has no end?
you should name him bostonlou
When it's just me and him, I call him dead motherfucker.
Around my kids, I call him the masked bandit that daddy hates. And then I whisper dead motherfucker to myself.
Why would you start was has no end?
and then he and the kids giggle at you and tell you to go back in the kitchen and make some potpie while they watch chazz and biffy
That made me laugh.
I'll give an update tomorrow on my plot to murder the coon.
If I don't post, that means I got my face clawed off and I'm in the hospital getting rabies shots. I'm feeling all nervous with excitement.
I'll post pics if I catch him in the trap. I'll be the one posing like a rapper from 1985. Ohhh, and I'll be the human in the photo.
Why would you start was has no end?
hey only smile if you have all your teeth good luck with the bandit
Thanks bro. I'll be back in a bit......maybe.
Why would you start was has no end?
...and a condor I'd like to get to know....
*NYC 9/28/96 *NYC 9/29/96 *NJ 9/8/98 (front row "may i play drums with you")
*MSG 9/10/98 (backstage) *MSG 9/11/98 (backstage)
*Jones Beach 8/23/00 *Jones Beach 8/24/00 *Jones Beach 8/25/00
*Mansfield 8/29/00 *Mansfield 8/30/00 *Nassau 4/30/03 *Nissan VA 7/1/03
*Borgata 10/1/05 *Camden 5/27/06 *Camden 5/28/06 *DC 5/30/06
*VA Beach 6/17/08 *DC 6/22/08 *MSG 6/24/08 (backstage) *MSG 6/25/08
*EV DC 8/17/08 *EV Baltimore 6/15/09 *Philly 10/31/09
*Bristow VA 5/13/10 *MSG 5/20/10 *MSG 5/21/10
Feed him some lovely last supper laced with something deadly? Then just clean up the corpse?
Oh and about the birds, they don't have asses, they're called cloacas.:D
You can read all about it on the eggs thread!!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Jeanie, you can poison it with anti-freeze. You run the risk of not knowing he's dead until it starts decomposing in your attic. Besides, I want the satisfaction in contributing to its demise. The poison is definitely on stand by.
Pearler, I live in the central part of the city, but my lot is 1.6 acres and lined with all kinds of trees like pine, oak, magnolia, and not to mention the other shrubs, flowers, etc....I hate it.
The racoon has finally done it. He broke into my house last night through the light fixture in my kids' bathroom. We didn't hear it when it happened because we were alseep downstairs. This morning, we heard water running. This motherfucker had turned the faucet on to get a drink. He left paw prints all over my drywall. I think he also took my car keys because I can't find them anywhere (I probably can't prove that one though).
Why would you start was has no end?
Surely you are so used to seeing him everyday cory that if he doesn't appear, you'll know to look in the attic and finish him off if you have to?
Anti freeze doesn't sound like much fun though! :eek:
Nor does the stench of him decomposing in your attic!! I don't envy you this game at all cory.
Is it just me or is this starting to sound like Caddyshack????
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
True Story.
Why would you start was has no end?
Oh I believe you cory! And I can't wait to see the pics!!
Specially the one of you in the coon hat you're gonna make for yourself!!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Also I think that bird has migrated to Oregon so you have no worries anymore.
I may have to take a picture later, once he defacates on my vehicle.
Well not that that isn't an excellent suggestion spinnin.
And cory is a cutie, however I am otherwise spoken for. As is cory.
I'd never cut his good lady wife's lunch.
And I'd never cheat on my sweetie either.
So unless you're suggesting we go hunt coon together, guess I'm still bored here!
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift