emotional vs physical cheating

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

you don't piss me off. for someone to piss me off, i have to care about them in my actual life and/or it have some affect on my life or people i care about. while i do 'know' and care about you as a person, your actualy opinion has no bearing for me...so never pissed off. sometimes amazed that someone such as yourself can hold some of the opinions you do, or that you present that you hld such opinions, whatever.......but i disagree. there isn't always 'truth' to your comments. and we've gone over it again and again. as i said, i did not want to get into it with you, yet again, b/c it's simply a circular comment. we see the world differently. occasionally for shits and giggles i like to call you, or anyone, out on what i deem ridiculous and/or stereotypical bs comments....but otherwise it doesn't much matter. as ever, i will say SOMEtimes such things are funny b/c SOMEtimes they are true. however here is not a stand-up act, and thus why at times when someone posts as a 'comedy routine' in the middle of a serious thread....you just don't know which way to go with it. anyhoo....we are FAR afield of the thread topic now, should've been PMs at this point b/c this has zero to do with the thread topic at this point. so for that....mea culpa.

not saying im injecting a comedy act into the proceedings. just saying that i suspect the reason my words here provoke such a response (which is inarguable given how many women are quoting me in this thread and every thread where i say such things) is that they are uncomfortably close to some truths people don't like to think about.

men lie becos it is easier for them than discussing and working things out. call it social conditioning or whatever, but the fact is, guys aren't as comfortable talking things out as women are. we'd rather just deal with it on our own and get on with our lives. talking about it is a last resort only to be used when our back is to the wall.

GraySaturday

tyra banks sure knows the hot topics!

I love everyone's strong conviction on this subject. Thank you for sharing and not letting my post sink into oblivion, which normally happens , without some hardcore discussion.

Carry on

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

if he had told you after this, you DEFINITELY should not have married him. becos he'd have to dumber than a ton of shit to believe that steaming pile of bullshit.

What bullshit???

Not that I have to justify myself or how I conduct my relationships to you.
But that's been a standard in my relationships. You fuck someone else then please don't compound the problem by lying about it and if you don't lie then I might have a miniscule amount of respect left for you to want to attempt to get the relationship back on track. But bottom line, you shit on me, I'm gonna shit on you right back from a great height.

Seems he didn't think it was bullshit because he tried unsuccessfully for a long time afterwards to "win" me back. :rolleyes: Until I was forced to take action that would FINALLY get him out of my life.

decides2dream

soulsinging wrote:

not saying im injecting a comedy act into the proceedings. just saying that i suspect the reason my words here provoke such a response (which is inarguable given how many women are quoting me in this thread and every thread where i say such things) is that they are uncomfortably close to some truths people don't like to think about.

men lie becos it is easier for them than discussing and working things out. call it social conditioning or whatever, but the fact is, guys aren't as comfortable talking things out as women are. we'd rather just deal with it on our own and get on with our lives. talking about it is a last resort only to be used when our back is to the wall.

and...i disagree.



btw, men AND women lie...for the same reasons on this topic.

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

becos you listen so nicely and cook so well

of course he was snivelling. you slept with another guy. that takes us back to the OP. guys take physical infidelity very hard. women take emotional infidelity very hard (lying about cheating worse than the cheating). that was my point.

Who was listening to him??? He was as boring as bat shit.
And I'd long given up cooking for the arsehole, he could never seem to get himself home in time for dinner. There's a limit to what I'm prepared to do.

Who says women don't take actual cheating hard? I'd never tolerate it again.
I think you've tried unsuccesfully to box this is up into tidy little ideals and stereotypes. This isn't gender specific. What you do this time in a relationship may not be what you do next time. What you're prepared to tolerate from one person you might not give the time of day to from another.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, WHAT I HAVE DONE, HOW I'VE BEHAVED is not necessarily how any other girl would behave. I know this because most guys I know that know what I'm capable of, think I'm more likely to play the way boys play. And believe me they don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot and someone is using their own tactics against them.

failedpersephone

soulsinging wrote:

so if he slips up once and never does it again, what do you gain by knowing about it? assuming you never find out, nothing changes and he is a better bf than he was before. what you don't know cannot hurt you. if he tells you, you get upset and it strains your relationship, and you can no longer trust him and have to start watching him. especially becos it is fear of losing you that keeps him from telling you. if he tells you and ends up going "that wasnt so bad" he's that much more likely to do it again.

aye! okay first, assuming i never find out? well then I wouldnt know how I would react - it's like telling me to try to fly assuming I know what it's like to be born with feathers.

what i dont know cannot hurt me?? nope that isnt true. if he tells me. I get upset it does put a strain but the fact that he told me can act as some sort of balm on the strain. and the fact that he told me, and we weathered the "storm" so to speak would mean that he now understands that there is nothing so terrible that he couldnt tell me...and that would mean that I would be able to trust and I wouldnt watch him.

a fear of losing me should not be a deciding factor in any of his decisions. (OH NO!!! MOMMY WILL BE ANGWRY!!) so if that prevents his honesty - then I suppose I was "lost" long ago...since a man that couldnt look me in the eye and say "three nights ago, I slept with so and so...We need to talk about this." and would rather just think "oh well if she doesn't know I wont tell her and NEVER do it again" is not the type of man that I would want to invest much more emotional and physical love with...by the way - my ability to work through a single-night style affair should NOT be some bizarre license to do it again since it was "no big deal"

I don't know if you are aware of this - but most of your "men are like this" style suppositions tend to seem like a rabid desperate fox that is caught in a medical experiment cage ...and the woman is the clinician. Or maybe like you would like me to think that you are really THAT one dimensional as to have a yearning for a caveman "ugh woman body good" relationship...I don't buy it dude... I mean really is your ideal woman someone you can tell that you want her to shut up and roll over - with maybe like a space in the small of her backs for chips and salsa...and at other times, you will talk to her...challenging discussions...devoid of actual emotions??

because if that is the case, woah I am pretty freakin' close! ...I dont have the chips&salsa container, but I can have discussions on just about anything - unfortunately I need honesty...

oh, that wasn't an offer...it was like a weird recognition...hmmn...

this is an interesting discussion...thanks!

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

And believe me they don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot and someone is using their own tactics against them.

exaxctly, becos guys cant stand physical cheating.

GraySaturday

failedpersephone wrote:

- with maybe like a space in the small of her backs for chips and salsa...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

exaxctly, becos guys cant stand physical cheating.

Yeah, :rolleyes: didums. Poor baby. You know coz girls love it so much they're just asking for it to happen to them right? :rolleyes:

"C'mon abuse me more I like it. Come on keep talking coz it's true." :rolleyes:

Here's a novel idea. IF you don't like it happening to you then DON'T DO IT.

soulsinging

failedpersephone wrote:

aye! okay first, assuming i never find out? well then I wouldnt know how I would react - it's like telling me to try to fly assuming I know what it's like to be born with feathers.

what i dont know cannot hurt me?? nope that isnt true. if he tells me. I get upset it does put a strain but the fact that he told me can act as some sort of balm on the strain. and the fact that he told me, and we weathered the "storm" so to speak would mean that he now understands that there is nothing so terrible that he couldnt tell me...and that would mean that I would be able to trust and I wouldnt watch him.

a fear of losing me should not be a deciding factor in any of his decisions. (OH NO!!! MOMMY WILL BE ANGWRY!!) so if that prevents his honesty - then I suppose I was "lost" long ago...since a man that couldnt look me in the eye and say "three nights ago, I slept with so and so...We need to talk about this." and would rather just think "oh well if she doesn't know I wont tell her and NEVER do it again" is not the type of man that I would want to invest much more emotional and physical love with...by the way - my ability to work through a single-night style affair should NOT be some bizarre license to do it again since it was "no big deal"

I don't know if you are aware of this - but most of your "men are like this" style suppositions tend to seem like a rabid desperate fox that is caught in a medical experiment cage ...and the woman is the clinician. Or maybe like you would like me to think that you are really THAT one dimensional as to have a yearning for a caveman "ugh woman body good" relationship...I don't buy it dude... I mean really is your ideal woman someone you can tell that you want her to shut up and roll over - with maybe like a space in the small of her backs for chips and salsa...and at other times, you will talk to her...challenging discussions...devoid of actual emotions??

because if that is the case, woah I am pretty freakin' close! ...I dont have the chips&salsa container, but I can have discussions on just about anything - unfortunately I need honesty...

oh, that wasn't an offer...it was like a weird recognition...hmmn...

this is an interesting discussion...thanks!

no, what i am saying is that human beings are animals. that men are women are prone to certain behaviors and sometimes these behaviors are different. women are better communicators, men are more simple doers. they complement each other well. but they are also instinctual animals and behave in ways even they don't understand. which is why i think you're nuts for wanting to hear honestly about cheating and you think im nuts for thinking 'what one doesn't know won't hurt one.' in addition, humans in general are selfish creatures. which is why women will demand communication (tell me about the cheating) becos it's best for them and men will just change the action and forget about it (lie about the cheating and don't it again). becos they want their needs met. neither is right or wrong. but the first step to having a truly honest relationship is to be honest about what people do and why.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, :rolleyes: didums. Poor baby. You know coz girls love it so much they're just asking for it to happen to them right? :rolleyes:

"C'mon abuse me more I like it. Come on keep talking coz it's true." :rolleyes:

Here's a novel idea. IF you don't like it happening to you then DON'T DO IT.

i dont. where in here have i said guys should cheat and women should not and should just accept it? my point has been (in keeping with the original thread topic) that guys flip out over physical infidelity, whereas women seem more willing to discuss it and move past it as demonstrated in this thread. on the flipside, the women here seem VERY upset at the prospect of being lied to, whereas i think most men would find it suspicious but not think much of it as long as he is certain she is being physically faithful.

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

i dont. where in here have i said guys should cheat and women should not and should just accept it? my point has been (in keeping with the original thread topic) that guys flip out over physical infidelity, whereas women seem more willing to discuss it and move past it as demonstrated in this thread. on the flipside, the women here seem VERY upset at the prospect of being lied to, whereas i think most men would find it suspicious but not think much of it as long as he is certain she is being physically faithful.

You seem to be coming from the angle that a guy cheated on is much more hurt and therefore suffers more emotionally from physical infidelity than girls do.
My point is that men and women deal with the aftermath differently but cheating still hurts no matter if you're a guy or a girl.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

You seem to be coming from the angle that a guy cheated on is much more hurt and therefore suffers more emotionally from physical infidelity than girls do.
My point is that men and women deal with the aftermath differently but cheating still hurts no matter if you're a guy or a girl.

you mean like what i said at the very beginning of this:

"well i dont think anybody is particularly happy with either option, but the one seems to be harder than the other depending on who the cheated is."

as i said, nobody likes being cheated upon in any sense. but guys find it harder to cope with physical infidelity than emotional, whereas women seem to find the emotional infidelity harder to forgive than the physical. is this not exactly what you have been saying? if he cheats you might be able to work it out, but if he lies about it that is a betrayal of trust you cannot forgive? im saying a guy is the opposite. if you're spending time with a guy and you lie about, he will find it easier to forgive and get past that as long as nothing physical has taken place. if something physical has taken place, he will find it much harder to let go. the opposite of what most women say. that is all i am saying.

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

you mean like what i said at the very beginning of this:

"well i dont think anybody is particularly happy with either option, but the one seems to be harder than the other depending on who the cheated is."

as i said, nobody likes being cheated upon in any sense. but guys find it harder to cope with physical infidelity than emotional, whereas women seem to find the emotional infidelity harder to forgive than the physical. is this not exactly what you have been saying? if he cheats you might be able to work it out, but if he lies about it that is a betrayal of trust you cannot forgive? im saying a guy is the opposite. if you're spending time with a guy and you lie about, he will find it easier to forgive and get past that as long as nothing physical has taken place. if something physical has taken place, he will find it much harder to let go. the opposite of what most women say. that is all i am saying.

Yeah, I think you're making sweeping generalizations based on gender distinctions and I don't think they're correct.
PEOPLE have all kinds of different behaviours and reactions to behaviours and those behaviours and reactions change over time and circumstances anyway. Trying to nail this down to boys do it this way and girls do it that way is like trying to nail jelly to a wall.

Ahnimus

Is it a required trait of lawyers to make shit up?

Jeanie

Ahnimus wrote:

Is it a required trait of lawyers to make shit up?

It's a job requirement.

BinGnarly

Hawkshore wrote:

playing hide the salami with their princess!

I have never heard this phrase before but im going to start using it.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, I think you're making sweeping generalizations based on gender distinctions and I don't think they're correct.
PEOPLE have all kinds of different behaviours and reactions to behaviours and those behaviours and reactions change over time and circumstances anyway. Trying to nail this down to boys do it this way and girls do it that way is like trying to nail jelly to a wall.

or like a sociologist trying to see how any social group reacts to various situations. we do it every day and some people even get paid to do it scientifically. i just do it armchair like.

soulsinging

Ahnimus wrote:

Is it a required trait of lawyers to make shit up?

not required, but it is certainly helpful to be able to do it when called to

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

or like a sociologist trying to see how any social group reacts to various situations. we do it every day and some people even get paid to do it scientifically. i just do it armchair like.

Yeah, scientifically is a bit different don't you think?

Coz I'm thinking the view from the armchair is liable to be a bit skewed.