emotional vs physical cheating

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

it depends on who's being cheated on. most guys are far more concerned about her physically cheating. i'd not care at all if my gal was sharing all her feelings with another guy and swooning over him as long as she's not fucking him and still putting out for me. this is becos biologically speaking, the man needs to worry more about expending his resources to care for another man's offspring.

to women, the emotional fidelity is what's key. they need that bond and when their man seeks it elsewhere, it seems to hurt them badly. they seem to worry less about their guy banging his intern when they see him come home happy to see her and loving her. it's when he gets distant and withdrawn and shares his emotions elsewhere that women start to get upset. biolgogically and evolutionarily speaking, they are more concerned about being able to count on his support in raising the children they have than him getting his casual jollies off elsewhere now and again.

i've known plenty of jealous guys too who aren't happy with their girlfriend even saying hello to somebody else :(

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

well what are wives if not hired long term prostitutes/housekeepers?

add therapist, babysitter, accountant and a few others to that list.

What are husbands if not long term hired DIY men and spider killers?

Heineken Helen

The Champ wrote:

So you'd let your boyfriend fuck other girls as long as he doesn't get emotionally involved? Wow, I wish my girl was this open minded and/or have low enough self-esteem to take my cheating ass back afterwards....Unfortunately in my case, it is CLEARLY a deal breaker..

me too... if I EVER caught a man cheating :mad:

harmless_little_f***

Heineken Helen wrote:

add therapist, babysitter, accountant and a few others to that list.

What are husbands if not long term hired DIY men and spider killers?

My lounge light went out this morning and I'm not able to change the light bulb. And I always put spiders out the window. No wonder it all went wrong.

Heineken Helen

Jeanie wrote:

That's exactly what I'm talking about. ^
Whenever I've been cheated on it's the lying and deception that's gone on to "hide" the cheating that has been more hurtful to me than any actual act itself. I mean sure yes, it hurts to know that someone you love screwed someone else, BUT that they lied about it repeatedly to cover it up (and I really have NO IDEA why you'd bother :rolleyes: ) well that is the the thing that made me completely reassess the relationship. Not the cheating.
)

while I don't agree with the 'not the cheating' part... I agree with the rest. I know mistakes happen and I've been in situations before that I've instantly regretted too... so if he was open with me straight away and I could see he was guilty over it, that would be one LESS part of the whole horrible thing to have to deal with... at least there'd be no lies involved. However, if I found out months down the line that he couldn't trust me enough to be open and was therefore deceptive the entire time, that would definitely make it worse

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

tell her if she'd wear a schoolgirl costume with a skirt that doesnt even cover her ass you wouldnt HAVE to look at porn. maybe i should just leave some around this week while she's gone. i've tried dropping every other hint i can, as well as outright talking. maybe if she thinks im going to cheat it will push to fucking do something about it.

yep, that will help her insecurities. I think it sounds like you really need to leave her cos it's not going anywhere.

Jeanie

Heineken Helen wrote:

while I don't agree with the 'not the cheating' part... I agree with the rest. I know mistakes happen and I've been in situations before that I've instantly regretted too... so if he was open with me straight away and I could see he was guilty over it, that would be one LESS part of the whole horrible thing to have to deal with... at least there'd be no lies involved. However, if I found out months down the line that he couldn't trust me enough to be open and was therefore deceptive the entire time, that would definitely make it worse

Oh I was thinking of a specific relationship Hels. One in which the extent of the cheating was so bad but the lying to cover it up even worse that in the end it was the lying that I had the biggest problem with. Not because the cheating was less, but because I really couldn't understand WHY, if you were gonna screw THAT MANY OTHER PEOPLE you'd even bother lying about it. I really couldn't understand WHY I needed to be lied to. Surely if he'd wanted to screw around he should have just done that and set me free to get on with my life. But it was the repeated denials to my questions over a period of years and the hideous way he kept making me feel bad for questioning him AND not trusting him that really caused the biggest problem for me. Basically here I was asking questions based on my instincts that he was up to something and then had the whole guilt trip laid on me for being suspicious of him. :rolleyes: The whole time he knew I was on the right track and he just kept lying and telling me I was paranoid and unfair to him. So yeah, the cheating sucked but the head fuck was way worse.

Heineken Helen

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

My lounge light went out this morning and I'm not able to change the light bulb. And I always put spiders out the window. No wonder it all went wrong.

ok, well I can change a lightbulb but I know if something happens the washing machine or the television or a fuse... my housemate knows exactly what to do, almost instinctively . He also puts the spiders out the window I'm not actually a big fan of killing them either

catefrances

i hesitate to join this little discussion but then i figured humans are so fascinating i just cant help myself, so here goes.
if i am in a relationship and for whatever reason my partner can not/ will not or chooses not to give me what it is i need despite my asking repeatedly for it, then i am going to seek it elsewhere. but i will tell my partner what i am doing. if he can't deal with that then he will have to decide what action he is going to take. if it ahppeens that i cannot for whetever reason give my partner what it is he needs then i am not going to forbid him to seek it elsewhere. this does not mean that i do not love my partner any less. this does not mean that i am willling to put my relationship at risk for my own selfish reasons. what this means is that i can acknowledge that during the course of relationships people go through all kinds of emotions and this may be why they 'turn off' or 'tune out'. but thats no reason to end it. and i don't see seeking temporary satisfaction as a reason to blow a realtionship youve invested so much time and heart and energy into if you truly love that person.

Heineken Helen

Jeanie wrote:

Oh I was thinking of a specific relationship Hels. One in which the extent of the cheating was so bad but the lying to cover it up even worse that in the end it was the lying that I had the biggest problem with. Not because the cheating was less, but because I really couldn't understand WHY, if you were gonna screw THAT MANY OTHER PEOPLE you'd even bother lying about it. I really couldn't understand WHY I needed to be lied to. Surely if he'd wanted to screw around he should have just done that and set me free to get on with my life. But it was the repeated denials to my questions over a period of years and the hideous way he kept making me feel bad for questioning him AND not trusting him that really caused the biggest problem for me. Basically here I was asking questions based on my instincts that he was up to something and then had the whole guilt trip laid on me for being suspicious of him. :rolleyes: The whole time he knew I was on the right track and he just kept lying and telling me I was paranoid and unfair to him. So yeah, the cheating sucked but the head fuck was way worse.

:eek: fucking hell! Well disregarding emotional vs physical cheating for a second... I've seen how emotional abuse can do as much if not more harm than physical abuse. That's ridiculous... once you cover something up, you're living a lie... and for me, honesty and trust is a HUGE thing so for someone to cover something up for months... yep, that would be that!

given2fly78

IMO....

Cheating is Cheating. Period. When you are with someone, you are WITH someone, physically and emotionally. And if you can't commit then get out.

I would be equally devastated should my hubby have an emotional affair OR a physical one. I'd kick his sorry ass to the curb - no excuses, no second chances. Marriage is a commitment and a forever one at that. I'd rather he come tell me he was unhappy and us split than him find something on the side.

Jeanie

Heineken Helen wrote:

: eek: fucking hell! Well disregarding emotional vs physical cheating for a second... I've seen how emotional abuse can do as much if not more harm than physical abuse. That's ridiculous... once you cover something up, you're living a lie... and for me, honesty and trust is a HUGE thing so for someone to cover something up for months... yep, that would be that!

And it was! To be honest, I'm kinda glad in a way that I found out and didn't marry him as planned. I think he was expecting, once the truth of it all came out, that somehow I would forgive him and we'd be married anyway. :eek: Yeah, right! :rolleyes:

It sure has taught me the value of trusting my instincts though, so perhaps I shouldn't be too hasty to slam the lying, cheating prick?

You know what really gets my goat? I repeatedly told him that if he was screwing around that he needed to tell me. That it would be ok, as long as I knew the truth. Standard response was, "You really have issues girl, to keep accusing me of this all the time. It's not fair on me that you doubt me so much" WTF??????

So here's my take. If you cheat, say so. I'd prefer you didn't BUT I might be able to get past you doing it once if I know about it and can see that you're genuinely sorry and still working toward your relationship with me. But lie to me repeatedly and as soon as I know the truth your sorry arse is gone! And you won't see me for dust! So it'd wanna be a bloody good root is all I can say!

soulsinging

MattCameronKicksButt wrote:

F****** hell soulsinging. Thanks for that. God you've made me feel really miserable.

hey, it's not so bad. once you expect nothing but misery and people being assholes all the time, the only surprises you'll get will be pleasant

soulsinging

Heineken Helen wrote:

i've known plenty of jealous guys too who aren't happy with their girlfriend even saying hello to somebody else :(

becos they're insecure and afraid she'll fuck them. not becos he's afraid she'll start sgaring her feelings with them.

MattCameronKicksButt

soulsinging wrote:

hey, it's not so bad. once you expect nothing but misery and people being assholes all the time, the only surprises you'll get will be pleasant

I used to live by that theory but I'm growing out of it a bit.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Oh I was thinking of a specific relationship Hels. One in which the extent of the cheating was so bad but the lying to cover it up even worse that in the end it was the lying that I had the biggest problem with. Not because the cheating was less, but because I really couldn't understand WHY, if you were gonna screw THAT MANY OTHER PEOPLE you'd even bother lying about it. I really couldn't understand WHY I needed to be lied to. Surely if he'd wanted to screw around he should have just done that and set me free to get on with my life. But it was the repeated denials to my questions over a period of years and the hideous way he kept making me feel bad for questioning him AND not trusting him that really caused the biggest problem for me. Basically here I was asking questions based on my instincts that he was up to something and then had the whole guilt trip laid on me for being suspicious of him. :rolleyes: The whole time he knew I was on the right track and he just kept lying and telling me I was paranoid and unfair to him. So yeah, the cheating sucked but the head fuck was way worse.

only a woman would think this is strange behavior, becos only a woman would look back and revise history to say well, if he'd have just told me it would've been fine." fuck that. we know better. if we were honest with you about the shit we're thinking and doing, we'd be dealing pms x10. fuck that. we lie to you becos we know we have to. it's why bill clinton lied about lewinsky. and why every man in the history of cheating has lied when asked about it. that is a cardinal rule. there are 2 rules for me: you don't rat on friends, and you never admit to cheating. period. why the fuck would he admit to it? so you can flip out? so he has to deal with you crying? why?

genie

Hawkshore wrote:

This one is divided between genders .......most woman will be more hurt by a violation of their trust and love via a partner having a strong emotional connection with someone ......... where as most guys will have a real problem with somebody playing hide the salami with their princess!

awesome! and good to know this about guys. because i have a boyfriend who calls his female friend his sister.....because he says they are very good friends and there is emotional connection between. which fine by me.

I have this guy friend who i prefer to talk to more than to my boyfriend, and my guy friend is much more fun.

And i think is for the best for me, because if i ever break up with my boyfriend it's not going to be as painful. i would actually like to keep things like this forever, you know for example to have someone that i feel really close to emotionally be it male or female, but also have a boyfriend with whom i'm also close emotionally and physically.

and i don't know whether it's cheating or not.....i agree with guys, if i don't have sex then i'm not cheating!

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

You know what really gets my goat? I repeatedly told him that if he was screwing around that he needed to tell me. That it would be ok, as long as I knew the truth.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

if he had told you after this, you DEFINITELY should not have married him. becos he'd have to dumber than a ton of shit to believe that steaming pile of bullshit.

genie

soulsinging wrote:

you don't rat on friends

and i respect that

catefrances

soulsinging wrote:

only a woman would think this is strange behavior, becos only a woman would look back and revise history to say well, if he'd have just told me it would've been fine." fuck that. we know better. if we were honest with you about the shit we're thinking and doing, we'd be dealing pms x10. fuck that. we lie to you becos we know we have to. it's why bill clinton lied about lewinsky. and why every man in the history of cheating has lied when asked about it. that is a cardinal rule. there are 2 rules for me: you don't rat on friends, and you never admit to cheating. period. why the fuck would he admit to it? so you can flip out? so he has to deal with you crying? why?

okay then just so long as you men dont freak out when we admit to having cheated, knowing youve done the same thing but dont have the balls enough to be honest about it.