emotional vs physical cheating

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, scientifically is a bit different don't you think?

Coz I'm thinking the view from the armchair is liable to be a bit skewed.

undoubtedly. what's your point? your view is not skewed by your experiences?

Ahnimus

I glued my head to my shoulder, now i have two owies -- Ralph Wiggum

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

undoubtedly. what's your point? your view is not skewed by your experiences?

Probably. But I think my views have come full circle.
Cheating is cheating and it sucks regardless of whether you're a guy on the recieving end of it or a girl.

soulsinging

Jeanie wrote:

Probably. But I think my views have come full circle.
Cheating is cheating and it sucks regardless of whether you're a guy on the recieving end of it or a girl.

well, let's call tyra banks and tell her jeanie solved the problem and neither her show nor anyone else in the world needs to discuss the topic of cheating and how we cope with it anymore ever again, becos jeanie has told us what the answer is and there is no room for differences or debate. nobody is allowed to respond differently to cheating than anyone else becos is sucks and there is no difference between emotional and physical cheating at all :rolleyes:

Ahnimus

soulsinging wrote:

well, let's call tyra banks and tell her jeanie solved the problem and neither her show nor anyone else in the world needs to discuss the topic of cheating and how we cope with it anymore ever again, becos jeanie has told us what the answer is and there is no room for differences or debate. nobody is allowed to respond differently to cheating than anyone else becos is sucks and there is no difference between emotional and physical cheating at all :rolleyes:

The difference between an emotional affair and a sexual affair is sex. The lack of sex in an emotional affair is a self-imposed trick to convince one's self that the affair is not morally wrong. It is essentially the same thing. More often than not these emotional affairs turn into sexual affairs anyway. A purely sexual affair is less threatening to the established marriage.

btw, 10-15% of children are the result of extramarital affairs.

Tyra is a toolbox. Talk shows are a waste of valuable oxygen.

Jeanie

soulsinging wrote:

well, let's call tyra banks and tell her jeanie solved the problem and neither her show nor anyone else in the world needs to discuss the topic of cheating and how we cope with it anymore ever again, becos jeanie has told us what the answer is and there is no room for differences or debate. nobody is allowed to respond differently to cheating than anyone else becos is sucks and there is no difference between emotional and physical cheating at all :rolleyes:

Wake up! I would have thought you'd have cottoned on by now that I'm the last person to expect someone else to follow my take on something or that my opinion is the be all and end all. People will keep cheating, and people will keep getting cheated on and we'll all have to work out where we stand with it ourselves.

catefrances

soulsinging wrote:

as a law student, i've learned that you want to be very careful about what truths you disclose to and which ones you keep to yourself.

i didn't say it was an intelligent choice, but guys aren't the best emotional manipulators nor the best fighters. women are. so a guy thinks he can defuse things with a lie. sometimes it works, sometimes not. when it doesn't he knows he's doubled his damage if he admits to lying, so he sticks to it. he can do this a remarkable amount. sometimes if he can outlast your rage, he can win. if not, he eventually cracks and the truth comes out. but in some of those cases the sense of vindication and righteousness from being proved right after such a battle leads the woman to think less of the actual act that caused it and in some sense he can win that way too. there are enough potential positive outcomes from lying to make it worthwhile. it beats the certainty of an explosion due to the truth, even if most of the time the lie only makes it worse.

well i'll only ask once. and any hesitation shows me that the guy is trying to formulate a lie anyway, so thats when i decide he's not worth my time. oh and nothing outlasts my rage. but after a while it will turn to apathy.

soulsinging

catefrances wrote:

well i'll only ask once. and any hesitation shows me that the guy is trying to formulate a lie anyway, so thats when i decide he's not worth my time. oh and nothing outlasts my rage. but after a while it will turn to apathy.

hesitation is not a good indicator. we know what we say will be dissected and cross examined better than any criminal defense attorney could ever dream. so even if we're totally innocent we hesitate and try to choose our words carefully, becos even a wrong word in a true denial can make our lives miserable.

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

as a law student, i've learned that you want to be very careful about what truths you disclose to and which ones you keep to yourself.

so let's say you DO cheat and decide not to tell her. From that moment on, you are keeping a big dirty secret from her. You are now somebody she would not like to go out with most likely... so you're deceiving her, you're possibly stressing yourself out by keeping it from the one person you're supposed to love and tell everything to, it's quite likely she can read you and know something's up, perhaps she'll think you're having an affair when it was probably just a drunken shag you don't even remember and would never ever consider doing if you were in the right frame of mind, maybe a couple of years later she finds out and realises that she can no longer trust you if you managed to keep it from her for that long.

Or look at it the other way, you cheat and are eaten up about it so you tell her, tell her how sorry you are and that it was a big big mistake and blah blah blah, she'll be pissed off, angry, upset, maybe split up with you, maybe temporarily split with you, maybe not talk to you for a while. If she takes you back you have nothing weighing on your mind, no dirty secrets from her, it will take a while but it's over with. It's not just relationships i'm like that with... trust and honesty are BIG... if you don't have that, if you're just two people lying and keeping secrets, well what's the point? :(

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

becos you listen so nicely and cook so well

of course he was snivelling. you slept with another guy. that takes us back to the OP. guys take physical infidelity very hard. women take emotional infidelity very hard (lying about cheating worse than the cheating). that was my point.

Nah, see the point you're missing is that we take BOTH as hard as eachother... it's not like we say 'oh that's ok dear, so you shagged another woman but if you emotionally bonded with her I'll rip your fucking balls off' :eek:

On one hand you're saying men lie because we're going to dump them if we find out... on the other hand you're saying women don't actually MIND about the sleeping part, it's the EMOTIONAL cheating that bothers us so which is it? :cool:

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

men lie becos it is easier for them than discussing and working things out. call it social conditioning or whatever, but the fact is, guys aren't as comfortable talking things out as women are. we'd rather just deal with it on our own and get on with our lives. talking about it is a last resort only to be used when our back is to the wall.

Hmm... you really should have a word with the lads I work with and tell them to stop treating me like a therapist then... tell them 'men don't do that'

Heineken Helen

Ahnimus wrote:

The difference between an emotional affair and a sexual affair is sex. The lack of sex in an emotional affair is a self-imposed trick to convince one's self that the affair is not morally wrong. It is essentially the same thing. More often than not these emotional affairs turn into sexual affairs anyway. A purely sexual affair is less threatening to the established marriage.

Excellent post

soulsinging

Heineken Helen wrote:

so let's say you DO cheat and decide not to tell her. From that moment on, you are keeping a big dirty secret from her. You are now somebody she would not like to go out with most likely... so you're deceiving her, you're possibly stressing yourself out by keeping it from the one person you're supposed to love and tell everything to, it's quite likely she can read you and know something's up, perhaps she'll think you're having an affair when it was probably just a drunken shag you don't even remember and would never ever consider doing if you were in the right frame of mind, maybe a couple of years later she finds out and realises that she can no longer trust you if you managed to keep it from her for that long.

Or look at it the other way, you cheat and are eaten up about it so you tell her, tell her how sorry you are and that it was a big big mistake and blah blah blah, she'll be pissed off, angry, upset, maybe split up with you, maybe temporarily split with you, maybe not talk to you for a while. If she takes you back you have nothing weighing on your mind, no dirty secrets from her, it will take a while but it's over with. It's not just relationships i'm like that with... trust and honesty are BIG... if you don't have that, if you're just two people lying and keeping secrets, well what's the point? :(

i dont get eaten up about things or stress out about them.

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

i dont get eaten up about things or stress out about them.

Ya serious? So you could cheat on your girlfriend who you may love lots and you wouldn't feel a bit of guilt? Well then you just haven't met the right person... if you had met the right person, you'd feel like shit. And that's not just a girl thing... I know plenty of guys who have been pretty broken after drunkenly cheating.

writersu

soulsinging wrote:

sounds like a hard day there. how about really getting over their prejudices and... i dont know... try working instead of spending his money?

one would have to have money to spend...........

and somewhere there is a thought that when a woman is home raising kids and keeping house, that in itself is valuable given the woman is NOT spending whatever money they have foolishlessly or being lazy and not doing her share of the work........
but that is "somewhere".........not at all a real place as far as I have found....

and btw, the prejudices I mean are the ones that imply when a girl sleeps around she is cheap but in hindsight she has some sort of power if she actually acknowledges it and doesn't allow the closemindedness of others to pin her down.......

in_hiding79

GraySaturday wrote:

so im watching a talk show right now. (okay yes its tyra please dont hate me) and she is talking about people having emotional affairs. I am not having an affair emotionally or physically but the topic got me wondering...

Tyra and her "experts" are saying that often an emotional affair is far more hurtful then a physical affair. Do you agree? Have any of you become emotionally connected to someone other then your significant other?

Both are not good, but Physically is much much worse!!

catefrances

soulsinging wrote:

hesitation is not a good indicator. we know what we say will be dissected and cross examined better than any criminal defense attorney could ever dream. so even if we're totally innocent we hesitate and try to choose our words carefully, becos even a wrong word in a true denial can make our lives miserable.

i guess perhaps you could be correct about this conor. i just don't deal well with being deceived. i dont ask questions in order that i be placated, nor because i love to hear the sound of my own voice. i ask questions in order to get an answer, to know where it is i stand and so that i can adjust my mindset or my behaviour accordingly. and anyone who was involved with me would know this. i do put a rather high premium on honesty because it is a standard i apply to myself. you ask me a question and you'll get a direct and honest answer simply because i cant deal with the bullshit of trying to bolster someone else's self esteem. consequently i am not the person to come too if youre just looking to feel good about yourself and just want an answer to make you glow inside. are you fucking someone else? is a question that i require an honest answer to. whatever the answer is i need to be able to deal with it honestly. i can't do that if the person to whom i addressed the question lies to me. i demand to be respected enough in a relationship where i should be allowed to make decisions for my own well being based on truth. i will not have that decision made for me by some lying bastard.