PJ fans in 12 step Recovery

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  • Matts3221Matts3221 Posts: 424
    hedonist said:
    Matts3221 said:
    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.


    My wife is Five Years , Two Months and 3 days sober from opioids.  She had been on them for over 10 years.

    She says she has dreams like this still about once a month or so and same reaction every time that she is so upset with herself in the dream.

    I tell her the same thing I say to you , the regret is something that I think you should be really proud of , it shows how much you are committed to being sober.

    Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

    Thank you so much.  It's funny, my therapist said the same thing about the dreams and ultimate pledge to myself.

    Good on your wife - such a powerful struggle.  I'm sure your journeying with her through this helped in her process.

    Often overlooked are the partners such as yourself or my husband or countless others, who suffer from the addiction via a different path and perspective altogether.  


    I will never pretend to know what it is like , she still has days were she says it is all she thinks about. She finds going to NA meetings very helpful , hearing someone who is on their first week clean and is counting hours she talks about how she was there and it gives her good feeling to inspire others.

    I really feel for people whom don't have a large support group , first and foremost my wife gets all the credit for beating something that is so hard to overcome ( it is a life long struggle but we do celebrate all the time ) however there was a group of 10 or so friends/family whom all came and did whatever had to be done to help her thru it for the first six months.  Those that don't have anyone to rely on for support I cant even imaging how hard it is.

    In the end she is fighting the good fight every day and it makes me so happy , there were times it was difficult but I found a group for men that had a spouse or partner whom is going through getting sober , it felt good to talk to other people going thru the same things as me. There was a lot of guilt I felt for having feelings of mistrust or angry , knowing everything she was going thru but I always so support groups are good for everyone.

    Thank you for the message back , made my day.

  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,968
    mickeyrat said:
    XIII
    Awesome!  Congratulations and thanks for all you do for us in this thread!!
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,968
    hedonist said:
    Matts3221 said:
    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.


    My wife is Five Years , Two Months and 3 days sober from opioids.  She had been on them for over 10 years.

    She says she has dreams like this still about once a month or so and same reaction every time that she is so upset with herself in the dream.

    I tell her the same thing I say to you , the regret is something that I think you should be really proud of , it shows how much you are committed to being sober.

    Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

    Thank you so much.  It's funny, my therapist said the same thing about the dreams and ultimate pledge to myself.

    Good on your wife - such a powerful struggle.  I'm sure your journeying with her through this helped in her process.

    Often overlooked are the partners such as yourself or my husband or countless others, who suffer from the addiction via a different path and perspective altogether.  
    There are some great family members and spouses/partners who are going through their own hell and continue to support us addicts which I always admire. My husband (not my son's father) left me when I didn't get sober after a year. We were drinking buddies throughout our relationship but he claimed he went through extreme mental cruelty due to my alcoholism. Love those wedding vows - through sickness and health. That messed me up even more for a bit but when I let it go, I finally got sober. So there, ex-husband.

    When I have dreams, there is always a guilt aspect to it - I'm getting caught drinking or I'm at a meeting and someone says they saw me drinking - always that theme. I haven't had a dream in awhile, but they pop up unexpectedly. I have never had a dream where I actually drank and enjoyed it or even was drinking and someone caught me but I had been enjoying it. I'm always interrupted. And I always feel an intense loss for the time I have just lost, in the dream. When I wake up, I am so relieved. 
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    edited April 2019
    hedonist said:
    Congrats, mickey!

    I recently caught two things on TV that really hit home with me, drinking-wise, and the mindset - my mindset - that went with it.  It all stays with you for life, doesn't it?
    meaning?

    If I understand the question, being an alcoholic I think as an alcoholic. removing the drink doesnt make me a nonalcoholic.

    case in point. I live pretty close to a anheuser busch brewery. One day driving to work I had the thought that I wished I was Homer Simpson, in that episode where he fell in to a vat of beer and drank it all in order to escape.  One , Homer is a fucking cartoon. Two, a vat of beer is an awful lot of beer to drink. Three, I identified with an arguably alcoholic CARTOON CHARACTER!!!!!!!  This was somewhere close to 3 years sober.

    To this day I express far too much interest in booze. My eye is drawn to it. All the new shit thats been released. flavored whiskey etc..... Being honest, I have been a little wistful about not being able to try it. 
    to me this is alcoholic thinking....... as for staying for life? Let you know at my end.....
    Post edited by mickeyrat on
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    mickeyrat said:
    hedonist said:
    Congrats, mickey!

    I recently caught two things on TV that really hit home with me, drinking-wise, and the mindset - my mindset - that went with it.  It all stays with you for life, doesn't it?
    meaning?

    If I understand the question, being an alcoholic I think as an alcoholic. removing the drink doesnt make me a nonalcoholic.

    case in point. I live pretty close to a anheuser busch brewery. One day driving to work I had the thought that I wished I was Homer Simpson, in that episode where he fell in to a vat of beer and drank it all in order to escape.  One , Homer is a fucking cartoon. Two, a vat of beer is an awful lot of beer to drink. Three, I identified with an arguably alcoholic CARTOON CHARACTER!!!!!!!  This was somewhere close to 3 years sober.

    To this day I express far too much interest in booze. My eye is drawn to it. All the new shit thats been released. flavored whiskey etc..... Being honest, I have been a little wistful about not being able to try it. 
    to me this is alcoholic thinking....... as for staying for life? Let you know at my end.....
    Yes, to not ever not being an alcoholic, but more how it permeates our (my) thoughts, whether consciously or not.

    One of the things I saw on TV was someone who was just getting started drinking for the evening - that happy tipsy feeling.

    The other was a woman talking about how when she wasn't sober, her thoughts were consumed by when she could have that first drink.

    I could relate to them both...and I can relate to that twinge you mention.  I won't succumb to it - I can't - but I sure do miss it.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    hedonist said:
    mickeyrat said:
    hedonist said:
    Congrats, mickey!

    I recently caught two things on TV that really hit home with me, drinking-wise, and the mindset - my mindset - that went with it.  It all stays with you for life, doesn't it?
    meaning?

    If I understand the question, being an alcoholic I think as an alcoholic. removing the drink doesnt make me a nonalcoholic.

    case in point. I live pretty close to a anheuser busch brewery. One day driving to work I had the thought that I wished I was Homer Simpson, in that episode where he fell in to a vat of beer and drank it all in order to escape.  One , Homer is a fucking cartoon. Two, a vat of beer is an awful lot of beer to drink. Three, I identified with an arguably alcoholic CARTOON CHARACTER!!!!!!!  This was somewhere close to 3 years sober.

    To this day I express far too much interest in booze. My eye is drawn to it. All the new shit thats been released. flavored whiskey etc..... Being honest, I have been a little wistful about not being able to try it. 
    to me this is alcoholic thinking....... as for staying for life? Let you know at my end.....
    Yes, to not ever not being an alcoholic, but more how it permeates our (my) thoughts, whether consciously or not.

    One of the things I saw on TV was someone who was just getting started drinking for the evening - that happy tipsy feeling.

    The other was a woman talking about how when she wasn't sober, her thoughts were consumed by when she could have that first drink.

    I could relate to them both...and I can relate to that twinge you mention.  I won't succumb to it - I can't - but I sure do miss it.
    and its ok to miss it. it is what it is.

    for me, I use that as a further reinforcement that I am an alcoholic.  cuz I'm pretty certain a nonalcoholic isnt identifying with Homer that way at least.

    Accounting roughly just how much I did in fact consume, I had my allotment and then some.

    given that for so long alcohol was our solution, its makes sense our thoughts turn that way. I've come to accept thats just how I am wired. Whether that was preinstalled or rewired later is irrelevant. result is the same.

    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,968
    hedonist said:
    mickeyrat said:
    hedonist said:
    Congrats, mickey!

    I recently caught two things on TV that really hit home with me, drinking-wise, and the mindset - my mindset - that went with it.  It all stays with you for life, doesn't it?
    meaning?

    If I understand the question, being an alcoholic I think as an alcoholic. removing the drink doesnt make me a nonalcoholic.

    case in point. I live pretty close to a anheuser busch brewery. One day driving to work I had the thought that I wished I was Homer Simpson, in that episode where he fell in to a vat of beer and drank it all in order to escape.  One , Homer is a fucking cartoon. Two, a vat of beer is an awful lot of beer to drink. Three, I identified with an arguably alcoholic CARTOON CHARACTER!!!!!!!  This was somewhere close to 3 years sober.

    To this day I express far too much interest in booze. My eye is drawn to it. All the new shit thats been released. flavored whiskey etc..... Being honest, I have been a little wistful about not being able to try it. 
    to me this is alcoholic thinking....... as for staying for life? Let you know at my end.....
    Yes, to not ever not being an alcoholic, but more how it permeates our (my) thoughts, whether consciously or not.

    One of the things I saw on TV was someone who was just getting started drinking for the evening - that happy tipsy feeling.

    The other was a woman talking about how when she wasn't sober, her thoughts were consumed by when she could have that first drink.

    I could relate to them both...and I can relate to that twinge you mention.  I won't succumb to it - I can't - but I sure do miss it.
    I remember watching 'The Lost Weekend' early in my sobriety - it's the movie where Jimmy Stewart is an alcoholic - and he has all of his hiding places for his booze, of course, but at one point he is so drunk that he can't find the bottle he had hid earlier in a light fixture. He is freaking out and I could completely relate to him and I found myself actually routing for him to find the bottle. That is the alcoholic in me, and it came out at that moment.  Any time I am watching a TV show or movie and there is an alcoholic as a character, I can completely relate to them.

    And @mickeyrat - whenever  I walk into a house, restaurant, etc. I immediately find where the booze is, without thinking about it - it's just a natural reaction for my eyes to search it out and find it.  It's so weird that we all share these behaviors.  But comforting too.

    I don't want to drink, which is completely against the alcoholic in me, but I just don't. I did for a long time and was not able to stay sober for any length of time. The pull of alcohol was just too strong.I loved to drink, even when it was obvious it was ruining my life.  But when I finally got sober, the craving went away and I hope to never feel it again. But I know I could wake up one day and it would be there. 

    I can never be complacent because that is when the alcoholic in me will start to work on me. I consider being an alcoholic as part of who I am, just like we consider our professions or marital status or nationalities as part of who we are. I am a recovering alcoholic and, hopefully, always will be. But I can fall into unhealthy alcoholic thinking, especially when I am really stressed or overwhelmed and have no way to 'take the edge off', I have to deal with reality all the time and that can be hard sometimes. I usually take a nap when I'm in a bad mind set but sometimes I just have to go through it and find ways to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. 

    That is the one thing though that I miss, being able to just kick back and forget my problems for awhile. Unfortunately, most of the time I was incapable of just taking the edge off, once I started drinking, I would just keep drinking till I'd sleep and then deal with hangovers at work. At the very end when I had a breakdown, I just drank all the time, I couldn't deal with life at all. And it took me 3 years to get sober, it was hard.  

    It runs in my family and watching your siblings/parent struggle and get sicker is really difficult. Now I worry about my son.  I've lost many friends to this horrible disease. Why I am sober today and someone else isn't or has died from it is something that bothers me. I'm grateful, but it is so hard when you hit that point where you know that nothing you do is going to help. So stay strong my sober friends, I need you guys. :heart:







  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
      Oldtimer said, "When we relapse we are consumed with shame. We believe we should have been strong enough to stop using and or drinking by force of will alone. Our failure to do so is evidence of our lack of power over alcohol and or drugs, and misunderstanding of our relationship with the substance in whatever form. Shame results from the lack of acceptance of this phenomenon. It doesn't happen to everyone. We  are cursed with this malady. We had a magical elixir that has become poison to us. Fortunately, we are blessed with a fellowship that understands this problem from first hand experience. However, shame projects rejection in the our mind, and we assure ourselves the fellowship will think of us exactly as we think of ourselves. So we  use  and drink to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and shame, and this creates even more shame surrounding our inadequate ability to control our
     it .Thus begins another self-destructive spree. This downward spiral leads to greater futility and, ultimately, fatality as the substance , in whatever form, fails to provide the magical escape from our feelings that it once did. So we consume more and more of this poison until it finally consumes us. If we are able to muster the courage to walk through the shame and back into the rooms of recovery, we find open arms and open hearts awaiting our return. No alcoholic is in position to judge another's failure. We all showed up in the rooms on a losing streak. This common failure opened our hearts and minds to the common solution that binds us together as nothing else could. Simply put, we hang together or we die separately. An addict/alcoholic alone is in the worse possible company. The fellowship is rich in love and acceptance, and is waiting to shower it upon the sick and suffering alcoholic/addict .No matter how many times we fall, the only failure is not returning to the rooms and beginning anew. Success is simply getting up one more time than you have fallen. Those of us who suffered relapse got up after a fall and applied the key of willingness to unlock a way of life in the fourth dimension of existence that gets infinitely more wonderful as time passes."

    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific NorthwestPosts: 4,425
    Congrats, Mick, on XIII.
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    I am happy (?) to bump this thread, as today is my official one-year without alcohol.  I typically acknowledge the monthly milestones on the first, but fuck it.  As I told the dear friend who congratulated me this morning, I've earned every day of it.

    As I said to my husband earlier, I may not have avoided the hospital this past year (just got out a few days ago), but I have stayed away from the booze for 365 days.

    So while I may not be in good physical health, I'm pretty fucking proud of myself :)

    (and ever grateful for the warmth extended during this odyssey)
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commetsPosts: 20,140
    You should be proud of yourself -- when one day at a time amounts to a milestone like '1 year' it is wonderful.
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
  • oftenreadingoftenreading Victoria, BCPosts: 11,260
    hedonist said:
    I am happy (?) to bump this thread, as today is my official one-year without alcohol.  I typically acknowledge the monthly milestones on the first, but fuck it.  As I told the dear friend who congratulated me this morning, I've earned every day of it.

    As I said to my husband earlier, I may not have avoided the hospital this past year (just got out a few days ago), but I have stayed away from the booze for 365 days.

    So while I may not be in good physical health, I'm pretty fucking proud of myself :)

    (and ever grateful for the warmth extended during this odyssey)

    You deserve every bit of that pride in yourself, and more! You've earned it. Congratulations, hedo :joy:
    my small self... like a book amongst the many on a shelf
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    You two :hug:
  • Matts3221Matts3221 Posts: 424
    hedonist said:
    I am happy (?) to bump this thread, as today is my official one-year without alcohol.  I typically acknowledge the monthly milestones on the first, but fuck it.  As I told the dear friend who congratulated me this morning, I've earned every day of it.

    As I said to my husband earlier, I may not have avoided the hospital this past year (just got out a few days ago), but I have stayed away from the booze for 365 days.

    So while I may not be in good physical health, I'm pretty fucking proud of myself :)

    (and ever grateful for the warmth extended during this odyssey)


    You deserve to scream for joy at the sky. Seriously no one will ever know how hard it is if they have not been through it. I personal don't know you but you put a smile on my face.

    CONGRATS!

  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    Thanks, Matts!  Your smile gave me one :)
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,968
    I am so proud of you and so happy for your happiness!!  One year is a long way to travel from your last drink to today and you have been wonderful in expressing yourself  and asking for help or just checking in. I'm glad that you are out of the hospital on your sober anniversary and I hope that your health improves with time, or at least does not get any worse. 

    We need wonderful people like you around here. Happy, happy one year!!! :joy:
  • FifthelementFifthelement LotuslandPosts: 6,427
    Congratulations on one year hedo!  


    Also, congrats to you Mickey.  I missed it when you originally posted.
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    Thank you both!  And amen to that, Nancy :prayer:
  • MalrothMalroth broken down chevroletPosts: 2,134
    I am rooting
    The worst of times..they don't phase me,
    even if I look and act really crazy.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    2nd year is hardest. Chin up though.


    hehehe.

    congrats!!!!
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • SD48277SD48277 Woodstock, NYPosts: 12,229
    hedonist said:
    I am happy (?) to bump this thread, as today is my official one-year without alcohol.  I typically acknowledge the monthly milestones on the first, but fuck it.  As I told the dear friend who congratulated me this morning, I've earned every day of it.

    As I said to my husband earlier, I may not have avoided the hospital this past year (just got out a few days ago), but I have stayed away from the booze for 365 days.

    So while I may not be in good physical health, I'm pretty fucking proud of myself :)

    (and ever grateful for the warmth extended during this odyssey)
    Have I mentioned recently how awesome I think you are? Congratulations!
    ELITIST FUK
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific NorthwestPosts: 4,425
    Hedo :hug:

    Be proud; I'm proud. I am honored to call you my friend.

    Love. Respect. Gratitude.
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    Thank you :lucky:
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    they do say progress not perfection......

    sometimes I still revel in being an asshole. Usually after patience and tolerance  has worn super thin.

    almost permanently losing the privilege (was seeming like that was the case) to post saddened me cuz I wouldnt be able to continue contributing here. This thread is one of the more important things I have done in sobriety, but actions have consequences, dont they.....
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 21,633
    Gah, damn anger.  Still working on that damned nut here.

    I'm glad to see you back, mickey.  I would've been very disappointed had you been "gone" for good.
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commetsPosts: 20,140
    edited June 2019
    And...don't let the Troll get you going.  It is the goal of The Troll to annoy the crap out of everyone until a sharp response is written...and then The Troll goes to the mods to try and get some sort of strange pleasure from reprimands given out.
    The Troll is an odd creation of the internet / modern times.
    The Troll would not be tolerated irl.  Better
    to just set any posters you think are trying to play The Troll to "ignore" and let them try to get under the skin of others.
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 6,031
    I get annoyed very easily now. And i dont post hardly anywhere  . I dont want to let these people win.
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    And...don't let the Troll get you going.  It is the goal of The Troll to annoy the crap out of everyone until a sharp response is written...and then The Troll goes to the mods to try and get some sort of strange pleasure from reprimands given out.
    The Troll is an odd creation of the internet / modern times.
    The Troll would not be tolerated irl.  Better
    to just set any posters you think are trying to play The Troll to "ignore" and let them try to get under the skin of others.
    pre-internet the troll got the shit beat out of him cuz he trolled in person.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 18,341
    hedonist said:
    Gah, damn anger.  Still working on that damned nut here.

    I'm glad to see you back, mickey.  I would've been very disappointed had you been "gone" for good.
    may have to collect contact info, stored elsewhere, in case I lose my mind again....

    no access to pm's on timeout.....
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • F Me In The BrainF Me In The Brain this knows everybody from other commetsPosts: 20,140
    edited June 2019
    mickeyrat said:
    And...don't let the Troll get you going.  It is the goal of The Troll to annoy the crap out of everyone until a sharp response is written...and then The Troll goes to the mods to try and get some sort of strange pleasure from reprimands given out.
    The Troll is an odd creation of the internet / modern times.
    The Troll would not be tolerated irl.  Better
    to just set any posters you think are trying to play The Troll to "ignore" and let them try to get under the skin of others.
    pre-internet the troll got the shit beat out of him cuz he trolled in person.
     Accountability used to be a real thing.
    Post edited by F Me In The Brain on
    The love he receives is the love that is saved
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