PJ fans in 12 step Recovery

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  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    page not found. is that the group name? Sober PJ fans?
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    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    edited January 27

    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.
    consider this, if they are all similar to last nights as you described, it shows me even in a dream state you are serious about sobriety. thats a good thing in my book.

    but yeah those first ones were intense for sure.
    Post edited by mickeyrat on
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    mickeyrat said:

    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.
    consider this, if they are all similar to last nights as you described, it shows me even in a dream state you are serious about sobriety. thats a good thing in my book.

    but yeah those first ones were intense for sure.
    I like this way of perceiving it (I am resolute!).  Thank you :)
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    hedonist said:
    mickeyrat said:

    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.
    consider this, if they are all similar to last nights as you described, it shows me even in a dream state you are serious about sobriety. thats a good thing in my book.

    but yeah those first ones were intense for sure.
    I like this way of perceiving it (I am resolute!).  Thank you :)
    you're welcome. just choosing what to focus on. all too often thats what is needed. simple shift  in focus.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • Ernie VedderErnie Vedder Bell Gardens, CAPosts: 2,046

    2 years sober. 
    A54CDC74-AB63-4EC8-9B55-3658DDD136FC-13112-000005CA4B5AFE40_zps094ecfbc.jpg
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Way to go, Ernie!  I'm just past the eight month mark here.
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,952
    That is awesome -

    Happy Sober Anniversary!!

    Two years is quite a milestone - keep doing what you are doing - you are a miracle!!
  • FifthelementFifthelement LotuslandPosts: 6,006
    Well done Ernie.  I wish you continued success on your journey.
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific NorthwestPosts: 4,226
    Congrats, Ernie.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    aww fuck man. 3rd year is the hardest. hang in there....
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    Prayers for my SiL and nieces please. Plus her family. Her dad passed today.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    I'm so sorry, mickey - wish you and your / her family all the best.
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,952
    mickeyrat said:
    Prayers for my SiL and nieces please. Plus her family. Her dad passed today.
    Will keep them in my thoughts - so sorry. 
  • FifthelementFifthelement LotuslandPosts: 6,006
    mickeyrat said:
    Prayers for my SiL and nieces please. Plus her family. Her dad passed today.
    They’re in my thoughts too.  My condolences.
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Just had my ten-month anniversary without alcohol.  In all honesty, I sometimes I wonder if I'd be struggling with this more had I not become ill.

    We saw this band at a local venue shortly before I got ill.  Ironically, these guys' sobriety is just part of what makes their music hit home for me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpSWj0qrVoE
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    hedonist said:
    Just had my ten-month anniversary without alcohol.  In all honesty, I sometimes I wonder if I'd be struggling with this more had I not become ill.

    We saw this band at a local venue shortly before I got ill.  Ironically, these guys' sobriety is just part of what makes their music hit home for me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpSWj0qrVoE
    congrats on 10 months.

    but for being ill, would you have chosen to stop?
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • HobbesHobbes Pacific NorthwestPosts: 4,226
    Middle fingers in the air!

    Congrats, Hedo. 
  • njnancynjnancy Northern New JerseyPosts: 4,952
    edited April 5
    hedonist said:
    Just had my ten-month anniversary without alcohol.  In all honesty, I sometimes I wonder if I'd be struggling with this more had I not become ill.

    We saw this band at a local venue shortly before I got ill.  Ironically, these guys' sobriety is just part of what makes their music hit home for me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpSWj0qrVoE
    Way to go @hedonist

    That was a great video - and for their debut album they already have over 8 million views so a lot of people are into throwing middle fingers in the air. 

    Whatever gives you inspiration - take it!

    I remember when I first got sober, all the members of Aerosmith had gotten sober (not sure what their status is now) and they had won some kind of award and they thanked their Higher Power and I felt so good knowing what they were talking about. Little things like that just kept me encouraged and that's all that one can hope to have. Desire and a sense of belonging either here, with music or anywhere else that you find acceptance. 

    I hope that your illness is better now that you aren't drinking. Much love to you! :hug:
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Thanks, all.  It truly is appreciated.

    mickey, I've been particularly unwell the last few days but your question's been in my head and thoughts.  And I'm not sure if I could or would have, really.  Maybe I don't have the strength to quit had I made this choice for myself.  Cirrhosis made the choice for me, and has scared me straight like nothing else.  My life and body will never be the same and I'm beyond pissed off about that yet thankful I'm getting through it no matter how difficult or lengthy.  No choice, you know?

    I guess it's a mix of guilt / self-blame and relief that I'm off that fucking wheel.  If I couldn't initially do it myself, then life, or nature, or circumstance - whatever you want to call it - did it for me.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    edited April 6
    hedonist said:
    Thanks, all.  It truly is appreciated.

    mickey, I've been particularly unwell the last few days but your question's been in my head and thoughts.  And I'm not sure if I could or would have, really.  Maybe I don't have the strength to quit had I made this choice for myself.  Cirrhosis made the choice for me, and has scared me straight like nothing else.  My life and body will never be the same and I'm beyond pissed off about that yet thankful I'm getting through it no matter how difficult or lengthy.  No choice, you know?

    I guess it's a mix of guilt / self-blame and relief that I'm off that fucking wheel.  If I couldn't initially do it myself, then life, or nature, or circumstance - whatever you want to call it - did it for me.
    woah. very sorry to hear that. any chance of a transplant in your future?


    nothing like a potentially fatal disease to make one appreciate life differently, hey?

    it took courage to share that openly. thank you.


     wrest whatever joy you can out of life.
    Post edited by mickeyrat on
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    mickeyrat said:
    hedonist said:
    Thanks, all.  It truly is appreciated.

    mickey, I've been particularly unwell the last few days but your question's been in my head and thoughts.  And I'm not sure if I could or would have, really.  Maybe I don't have the strength to quit had I made this choice for myself.  Cirrhosis made the choice for me, and has scared me straight like nothing else.  My life and body will never be the same and I'm beyond pissed off about that yet thankful I'm getting through it no matter how difficult or lengthy.  No choice, you know?

    I guess it's a mix of guilt / self-blame and relief that I'm off that fucking wheel.  If I couldn't initially do it myself, then life, or nature, or circumstance - whatever you want to call it - did it for me.
    woah. very sorry to hear that. any chance of a transplant in your future?


    nothing like a potentially fatal disease to make one appreciate life differently, hey?

    it took courage to share that openly. thank you.


     wrest whatever joy you can out of life.
    The good news (?) is that I'm not at the point where one is needed, and hopefully won't be.  The more dire patients come first...and there are so many.
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    hedonist said:
    mickeyrat said:
    hedonist said:
    Thanks, all.  It truly is appreciated.

    mickey, I've been particularly unwell the last few days but your question's been in my head and thoughts.  And I'm not sure if I could or would have, really.  Maybe I don't have the strength to quit had I made this choice for myself.  Cirrhosis made the choice for me, and has scared me straight like nothing else.  My life and body will never be the same and I'm beyond pissed off about that yet thankful I'm getting through it no matter how difficult or lengthy.  No choice, you know?

    I guess it's a mix of guilt / self-blame and relief that I'm off that fucking wheel.  If I couldn't initially do it myself, then life, or nature, or circumstance - whatever you want to call it - did it for me.
    woah. very sorry to hear that. any chance of a transplant in your future?


    nothing like a potentially fatal disease to make one appreciate life differently, hey?

    it took courage to share that openly. thank you.


     wrest whatever joy you can out of life.
    The good news (?) is that I'm not at the point where one is needed, and hopefully won't be.  The more dire patients come first...and there are so many.
    very good to hear.


    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • kce8kce8 Posts: 1,516
    I think you all should be completely, totally proud of yourselves! B)

    You all have my deepest respect for how you deal with your situation and that you are able to speak so openly about it here.
    Congratulations, I just needed to say how admirable you are! 

    @Hedo: I remember you have already posted this song at the Trains Lounge. I just had no idea! 
    Well, show them both! ..I..

    I also would like to dedicate a song to you all tonight. I absolutely love that song and think it fits in here. :hug:

    Good luck for the next steps! 
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Thanks, kce!  That song always hits me - humbling river indeed.

    Have you ever seen Maynard's Ciquenta performance of this with his son on cello?  Just beautiful.
  • kce8kce8 Posts: 1,516
    hedonist said:
    Thanks, kce!  That song always hits me - humbling river indeed.

    Have you ever seen Maynard's Ciquenta performance of this with his son on cello?  Just beautiful.
    I like that version very much and I think we talked about it at the trains lounge already. Long ago.. if I remember it correctly. 

    Life is a crazy journey sometimes… I'm grateful we have loving people and meaningful music surrounding us! :)
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 15,897
    XIII
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Congrats, mickey!

    I recently caught two things on TV that really hit home with me, drinking-wise, and the mindset - my mindset - that went with it.  It all stays with you for life, doesn't it?
  • Matts3221Matts3221 Posts: 106
    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.


    My wife is Five Years , Two Months and 3 days sober from opioids.  She had been on them for over 10 years.

    She says she has dreams like this still about once a month or so and same reaction every time that she is so upset with herself in the dream.

    I tell her the same thing I say to you , the regret is something that I think you should be really proud of , it shows how much you are committed to being sober.

    Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of foreverPosts: 20,064
    Matts3221 said:
    hedonist said:
    Last night, I dreamed I had a drink.  I could see it, feel the heft of the glass, the amber liquid, putting it to my lips.  The warmth of the swallow...not the taste, though.

    And then right after, becoming so angry and cursing myself for going back.  "How could you do this?  After all you've gone through, are still going through?  Fucking idiot!"

    And on.  Like my world had fallen apart in disappointing myself.

    It's the third or so time this has happened and I understand these dreams are "normal" / usually part of the process - even a lifelong one - but man...it was frightening in so many ways.  In the light of morning, not so much.

    One of those cases where I'd rather dream than do.


    My wife is Five Years , Two Months and 3 days sober from opioids.  She had been on them for over 10 years.

    She says she has dreams like this still about once a month or so and same reaction every time that she is so upset with herself in the dream.

    I tell her the same thing I say to you , the regret is something that I think you should be really proud of , it shows how much you are committed to being sober.

    Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

    Thank you so much.  It's funny, my therapist said the same thing about the dreams and ultimate pledge to myself.

    Good on your wife - such a powerful struggle.  I'm sure your journeying with her through this helped in her process.

    Often overlooked are the partners such as yourself or my husband or countless others, who suffer from the addiction via a different path and perspective altogether.  
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