Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again.
This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help.
In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me.
Hang on RS. You are worth fighting for and don’t let anyone, including your inner demon tell you there i’se. You are worthy of love most especially from yourself. I’m sorry that those you trusted are no longer here, but you’re smart enough to recognise that you need to protect yourself. Good for you for doing therapy, self care means that somewhere deep inside you, you know you’re worth caring about. I’m sorry that the audio cut out. Why do you feel you need to project a holiday spirit? Is it for others? Can you chose to limit your participation in the holidays?
sending you (((hugs))).
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Do those of you who keep journals ever go back and read them? I have a hard time doing that. Either it’s too painful or I feel stupid for being in the same situation over and over again.
This is the start of a difficult season for me. Every year it’s the same. I’m fighting suicidal urges while trying to pretend to be in the holiday spirit. I can’t really talk to anyone. The people I trusted are dead. The rest I no longer trust. I had my first therapy appointment but the audio cut out for half of it. Not that it mattered. It’ll take a long time for me to open up again, even to a therapist. Maybe I’m beyond help.
In addition to journaling, I started writing letters to certain people. I’ll never send them but it’s a way of getting closure I hope. At least I finally realized I need to do this for myself. None of the people I’m writing to are worth my time or my thoughts. I just have to get rid of this anger and resentment and move on. And be grateful for the friends that are worth keeping and truly care about me.
Hang on RS. You are worth fighting for and don’t let anyone, including your inner demon tell you there i’se. You are worthy of love most especially from yourself. I’m sorry that those you trusted are no longer here, but you’re smart enough to recognise that you need to protect yourself. Good for you for doing therapy, self care means that somewhere deep inside you, you know you’re worth caring about. I’m sorry that the audio cut out. Why do you feel you need to project a holiday spirit? Is it for others? Can you chose to limit your participation in the holidays?
sending you (((hugs))).
Thank you. It means a lot.
The holidays have always been stressful. I felt pressured to match my in-laws’ Christmas and never could. I felt guilty, feeling like my kids missed out. But now they’re older and more concerned with giving than getting. We’re going to focus on family activities and hopefully that’ll ease the pressure. Any way I look at it, this year will be different. There are no expectations. Just gotta keep my anxiety in check.
I hope everyone is doing okay today. I've been up and down myself. The rise in cases again in Ireland has lead to increased restrictions, and I've found that quite tough. In my new job (I know I'm lucky to be working) I have a lot of down time, so I do my best to keep that time occupied.
Dublin 2006 Dublin 2010 Madrid 2018 Werchter 2022 London 1 2022 London 2 2022 Krakow 2022
Have not checked in for a while. I hope everyone is doing as best as they can. My anxiety is better but my nerves are on overload. Going into work Monday - Friday , be as careful as I can. When I get home shower and eat dinner my body is so tired I just want to go to bed.
Cases are going up but I knew they would , just have to stay as safe as possible, I hope no one has given up hope.
i have had moments of wanting to rip my mask off and saying fuck it but that passes in a min or two as it would be idiotic. The US is just so poor at handling this I find us to be a third world country at this point , mix in elections our president really getting into dictator mode and half the country hating the other half , it honestly feels like we may have a civil war after the election.
Trying to spend a lot less time on the Internet so not sure when I’ll be back on but I really do hope everyone is doing ok.
Sending love and light to whomever needs it. Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there. I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
Sending love and light to whomever needs it. Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there. I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.
Thanks for love and light, Fifth. Same for you!
My anxiety has been reaching some strange extremes. It's been
driven hard lately by my hearing issues, worry about fire, COVID, and
political dangers. A few days ago I had a moment where a multitude of
things both internal and external were compromising my mental well being
and for a brief period of time, I felt like my mind had blown a fuse.
It was like a momentary waking night terror. My instincts kicked in and
I shook it off, but it was very strange and unsettling. It was like a
glimpse of what it means to lose ones mind. I was having an anxiety
meltdown and had no choice but to just hang on by my teeth.
And
then today, that high anxiety episode was still resonating in my head.
I took the car and went and ran some errands- not only because I had
things I needed to get done, but because that kind of doing almost
always helps me get centered. It took longer than usual, but I was
still struggling. After dropping off some stuff at the bookstore, I
went to get into my car and opened the door and jumped back and let out
an audible gasp. I had opened the wrong car door and a woman was
sitting behind the wheel! I apologized profusely and, much to my
extreme good luck, this nice young woman simply smiled at me and said,
"It's OK." I apologized again and this angel repeated the assurance
than all was fine. I slunk off to my own vehicle and was a bit stunned
by my good fortune at not having her scream at me or punch me in the
face. Maybe my mask helped. Maybe she really was an angel.
So
tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better
day tomorrow. I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could
do to me. I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't
comply understand why I have to be this way. But then again, these
strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some
degree. How can you not be, right?
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Sometimes we just are who and as we are, and there is no why. Otherwise we’d be wondering what we did to deserve mental pain, physical disease, etc. It can be as simple as the old “play the cards you’re dealt as best you can” but to wonder why you have those cards to begin with?
This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.
(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)
Sending love and light to whomever needs it. Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there. I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.
Thanks for love and light, Fifth.
So
tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better
day tomorrow. I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could
do to me. I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't
comply understand why I have to be this way. But then again, these
strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some
degree. How can you not be, right?
Hi Brian @brianluxSorry to hear things are tough. I'm sure there are better days ahead. A while ago I had a tough time and then after (like now) I'm having better days. It's a relief and makes me feel grateful for staying strong through the bad times. I'm sure it will be same for you too. My dad has cataracts and when we took him on holiday last year he couldn't remember which hire car we had hired and kept going up to random cars and trying to open the door. It was nuts and I kept imagining the worst like a woman was sitting there or even worse an angry man that thought we were trying to steal his car. I'm so pleased neither happened. The mad thing was he kept trying to get back in the car straight after we parked and got out, when we arrived somewhere instead of when we were going back home to the hotel. Xxxx
Sometimes we just are who and as we are, and there is no why. Otherwise we’d be wondering what we did to deserve mental pain, physical disease, etc. It can be as simple as the old “play the cards you’re dealt as best you can” but to wonder why you have those cards to begin with?
This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.
(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)
I think you're absolutely right, Hedo, and I don't see you words as being cold at all. Truth and reality and saying it like it is is never a bad thing! Yes, wondering why is really not very productive. When I worked in the Human Services doing counselor training at out local community college, one of the things we stressed was avoiding too much focus on a causal past and placing the emphasis on building coping methods.
Sending love and light to whomever needs it. Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there. I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.
Thanks for love and light, Fifth.
So
tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better
day tomorrow. I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could
do to me. I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't
comply understand why I have to be this way. But then again, these
strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some
degree. How can you not be, right?
Hi Brian @brianluxSorry to hear things are tough. I'm sure there are better days ahead. A while ago I had a tough time and then after (like now) I'm having better days. It's a relief and makes me feel grateful for staying strong through the bad times. I'm sure it will be same for you too. My dad has cataracts and when we took him on holiday last year he couldn't remember which hire car we had hired and kept going up to random cars and trying to open the door. It was nuts and I kept imagining the worst like a woman was sitting there or even worse an angry man that thought we were trying to steal his car. I'm so pleased neither happened. The mad thing was he kept trying to get back in the car straight after we parked and got out, when we arrived somewhere instead of when we were going back home to the hotel. Xxxx
I'm glad to hear you are having better days, Dreamgirl. I hope they continue that way!
Thanks, I hope for better days as well. I woke up this morning and felt the heavy blanket of depression and anxiety crushing me again and I didn't want to get out of bed, but then I started thinking about a time in the late 90's when I stayed in bed for about two weeks and how dangerous that time was with the downward spiral I was going through and I said, "No! I'm not going there again!" and pushed myself up and went and made coffee. Thank GOD for coffee!
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Sometimes we just are who and as we are, and there is no why. Otherwise we’d be wondering what we did to deserve mental pain, physical disease, etc. It can be as simple as the old “play the cards you’re dealt as best you can” but to wonder why you have those cards to begin with?
This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.
(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)
I think you're absolutely right, Hedo, and I don't see you words as being cold at all. Truth and reality and saying it like it is is never a bad thing! Yes, wondering why is really not very productive. When I worked in the Human Services doing counselor training at out local community college, one of the things we stressed was avoiding too much focus on a causal past and placing the emphasis on building coping methods.
Sending love and light to whomever needs it. Keep hanging in there. I’m trying to limit my time online as well @Matts3221. The situation south of the border is terrifying to witness from afar, I cannot imagine what it’s like living there. I really hope that there is a change in administration, but I fear the result either way.
Thanks for love and light, Fifth.
So
tonight I ask the powers of the universe that be to grant me a better
day tomorrow. I sometimes wonder what my anxiety and depression could
do to me. I'm pretty tough, I fight it off, but it's hard and I don't
comply understand why I have to be this way. But then again, these
strange days don't help and I think everyone is affected by them to some
degree. How can you not be, right?
Hi Brian @brianluxSorry to hear things are tough. I'm sure there are better days ahead. A while ago I had a tough time and then after (like now) I'm having better days. It's a relief and makes me feel grateful for staying strong through the bad times. I'm sure it will be same for you too. My dad has cataracts and when we took him on holiday last year he couldn't remember which hire car we had hired and kept going up to random cars and trying to open the door. It was nuts and I kept imagining the worst like a woman was sitting there or even worse an angry man that thought we were trying to steal his car. I'm so pleased neither happened. The mad thing was he kept trying to get back in the car straight after we parked and got out, when we arrived somewhere instead of when we were going back home to the hotel. Xxxx
I'm glad to hear you are having better days, Dreamgirl. I hope they continue that way!
Thanks, I hope for better days as well. I woke up this morning and felt the heavy blanket of depression and anxiety crushing me again and I didn't want to get out of bed, but then I started thinking about a time in the late 90's when I stayed in bed for about two weeks and how dangerous that time was with the downward spiral I was going through and I said, "No! I'm not going there again!" and pushed myself up and went and made coffee. Thank GOD for coffee!
Glad to hear that you got up Brian. Sometimes, when there’s stuff bothering us that we have no control over, the bravest thing to do is to just get on with it. Recognise, acknowledge and move on with this one single day. (((Hugs)))
"What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
@brianlux well you keep getting up and drinking lots of coffee until it kicks in each day. I do the same but have recently upgraded my morning drinks to instant cappuccino and double mocha chocca, I'd highly recommend both x
@brianlux well you keep getting up and drinking lots of coffee until it kicks in each day. I do the same but have recently upgraded my morning drinks to instant cappuccino and double mocha chocca, I'd highly recommend both x
Those sound like good kick-starts, Dreamgirl. I'm pretty much happy with my French roast, black, although sometimes when I'm in town I'll pick up a hemp milk latte at out very cool little coffee shop called Totem. Mmmmmm!
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
@brianlux Sounds nice. Today I made hot mocha chocca and as always the dog wanted a walk as soon as my drink was ready. I drunk most of it but when I came back from the walk it was coldbut tasted like choco milk, so a good drink to allow to cool down.
For the last week or so, my anxiety has been at it's worst- especially the last couple of days. It's frustrating because I can logically tell myself there is no reason to be so miserable. But no matter how much I try to reason with myself, I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. I can feel what it is doing to my mind and body. I will live. I would not take my life. I will not inflict that kind of pain on people who are close to me. But I also sometimes think that the only way this will end for good is when I do die. That does not add to quality of life. I just grit my teeth and hang by a thread. Not a great way to live, but I guess it beats the alternative.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Thank you so much 5th. Brian i thought of you many times yesterday i could see you in my mind and i was sending the hope for positive thoughts your way.
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Thank you so much 5th. Brian i thought of you many times yesterday i could see you in my mind and i was sending the hope for positive thoughts your way.
Thank you so much Rob, you are in my thoughts as well! Hang in there my friend, we can do it!
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
I have been off the boards for quite some time now. I used to be a regular here. So glad there is a thread to help! My daughter and I both suffer from anxiety and depression. I can maintain a bit better than she can but shes holding strong! Take care, all of you! Blessings!
"...And I fight back in my mind. Never lets me be right.
I got memories. I got shit so much it don't show."
I have been off the boards for quite some time now. I used to be a regular here. So glad there is a thread to help! My daughter and I both suffer from anxiety and depression. I can maintain a bit better than she can but shes holding strong! Take care, all of you! Blessings!
Good thoughts for you and you daughter, Green Circle. You take care as well and blessing for you too!
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Its all closing in on me. One of my best friends and tour buddy has covid a couple of streets up. Fuck all this
I wish him the best and am hopeful he will be ok. There have been about 5 people I know thru people so friend of a friend. All very true stories and all got it , all have recovered. 3 were able to recover at home with no medical care , one did have to go to the hospital twice for oxygen treatments. One was admitted and released after 5 days ( please note both of those that required treatment beyond the home were both above the age of 65 )
That is not to say we should not be taking ever precaution we can and yes it is very scary when it hits so close to home , I would offer to maybe go to market and drop off stuff on his doorstep to keep yourself safe.
Comments
sending you (((hugs))).
Oh is amy ok i dont see her around?
astoria 06
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reading 06
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this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
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i have had moments of wanting to rip my mask off and saying fuck it but that passes in a min or two as it would be idiotic. The US is just so poor at handling this I find us to be a third world country at this point , mix in elections our president really getting into dictator mode and half the country hating the other half , it honestly feels like we may have a civil war after the election.
Trying to spend a lot less time on the Internet so not sure when I’ll be back on but I really do hope everyone is doing ok.
Thanks for love and light, Fifth. Same for you!
This isn’t said in a cold way, but it’s just...life.
(Of course, I can say this calmly now, vs. when I’m going through something similar myself.)
Those sound like good kick-starts, Dreamgirl. I'm pretty much happy with my French roast, black, although sometimes when I'm in town I'll pick up a hemp milk latte at out very cool little coffee shop called Totem. Mmmmmm!
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thanks
Brian i thought of you many times yesterday i could see you in my mind and i was sending the hope for positive thoughts your way.
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
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dusseldorf 07
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this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
Thank you so much Rob, you are in my thoughts as well! Hang in there my friend, we can do it!
I got memories. I got shit so much it don't show."
Good thoughts for you and you daughter, Green Circle. You take care as well and blessing for you too!
astoria 06
albany 06
hartford 06
reading 06
barcelona 06
paris 06
wembley 07
dusseldorf 07
nijmegen 07
this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
i wish him (and you) well.
I wish him the best and am hopeful he will be ok. There have been about 5 people I know thru people so friend of a friend. All very true stories and all got it , all have recovered. 3 were able to recover at home with no medical care , one did have to go to the hospital twice for oxygen treatments. One was admitted and released after 5 days ( please note both of those that required treatment beyond the home were both above the age of 65 )
That is not to say we should not be taking ever precaution we can and yes it is very scary when it hits so close to home , I would offer to maybe go to market and drop off stuff on his doorstep to keep yourself safe.
All the love to your friend and to you Rob.