A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

Matts3221

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Is it the  virus brian thats getting  to you?

Only as a factor in how my life changed now being mostly jobless.

Matts3221 said:

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.

Thank you Matts.  I sometimes seem to fit the description of "King of Worry". 

Basically right now what it comes down to is:

-Moderately worried that no matter how careful I am, I could get the virus.  I'm not afraid of death, only of dying slowly of an illness.

-Frustrated with having to leave my job either 6 or 18 months early (wanted to "retire" on my day hired anniversary).

-Not able to scout for books to keep my little on-line business going.

-Next to heart disease, I think joblessness might be a major killer.

-Having more recent skin cancer issues.  Benign so far but it's cancer nevertheless. 

-Concerned that change has been slow and little in America all my life and that current BLM and environmental  issues may prove to be more of same.

-A stubborn lack of acceptance that at almost 69 years of age I cannot do things I did at 29 or 39 or 49 or 59.

-Not happy being at the leading edge of the hellish hot day of July through October in El Dorado County, CA

and...and... give me a few minutes, I'll find other things to worry about. It's one of those things a friend once referred to as one's "fatal character flaw" 

hedonist

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

brianlux

hedonist said:

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

  Very sorry to hear about your health issues, Hedo.  Hang in there!

"worry does no good"  SO TRUE!

"gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometime"  WILL DO!

what dreams

lastexitlondon said:

I made  it through. Its not the meds make me want to. I cant take the meds and function.  And i cant cope im just lost and see no point in the pills.  Im so grateful  for all the  love  and care. I really am

Talk to your doctor. Valium is classified as a sedative/tranquilizer, in the same class as a xanax. Of course it will make you sleep. That is what it's designed to do. If you're taking it at night and still incapacitated the entire next day after a full night's sleep, maybe the doctor can try to adjust the dose or try Xanax instead. 2.5 of valium sounds like a typical starting dose, but maybe he can cut that in half because everyone is different in their response to meds. I've never tried Valium, as my doctor is not a fan of it, but I do tolerate xanax really well. I am a bit groggy when I when I wake up, but the fog lifts usually after I get moving. But my day is met with calm and, well, tranquility.  If you're not experiencing this, then you definitely need to talk to your doctor about it.

I think I remember you saying your doctor just wants to get you to a place where you can sleep and calm down quickly and temporarily.  Maybe you're just so used to being in turmoil all the time that you're confusing the numbness for something else wrong.  Try embracing the fog, my friend -- sometimes it's good to just let the world spin by while we're in our cocoon.    Give yourself a break. Just a theory, see if that makes sense to you. I'm just throwing ideas out here but if none of them resonate with you, move on to something that does.

I understand the suspicion of prescribed pharmeceuticals and the drug mill, but be careful with that thinking because medications can save people's lives. Keep working at it.  We care for you and hope you find what works for you.

what dreams

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. 
I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights

what dreams

hedonist said:

Worry does no good, though I catch myself doing it as well. Then I STOP. It’s fruitless. It’s a mindfuck.  

Can’t work, liver is fucked, my body is fucked. The world is fucked. 

But really, it isn’t.

Gotta kick your own ass for perspective sometimes. Fuck knows I have, do, and will. 

I believe we have more mettle than we realize. 

My friend, be well. You are such a blessing and inspiration to all of us. The next time I kick my own ass, I will do it in your honor! 

what dreams

Can I just add, Rob, if I could stretch my arms across the Atlantic Ocean, I would give you the biggest hug right now. Your family loves you. They are there for you. But if your partner or your adult children decide at some time that they can't handle whatever they can't handle, that's up to them to decide, not you. Don't push them away. Let them love you.

hedonist

what dreams said:

lastexitlondon said:

I made  it through. Its not the meds make me want to. I cant take the meds and function.  And i cant cope im just lost and see no point in the pills.  Im so grateful  for all the  love  and care. I really am

Talk to your doctor. Valium is classified as a sedative/tranquilizer, in the same class as a xanax. Of course it will make you sleep. That is what it's designed to do. If you're taking it at night and still incapacitated the entire next day after a full night's sleep, maybe the doctor can try to adjust the dose or try Xanax instead. 2.5 of valium sounds like a typical starting dose, but maybe he can cut that in half because everyone is different in their response to meds. I've never tried Valium, as my doctor is not a fan of it, but I do tolerate xanax really well. I am a bit groggy when I when I wake up, but the fog lifts usually after I get moving. But my day is met with calm and, well, tranquility.  If you're not experiencing this, then you definitely need to talk to your doctor about it.

I think I remember you saying your doctor just wants to get you to a place where you can sleep and calm down quickly and temporarily.  Maybe you're just so used to being in turmoil all the time that you're confusing the numbness for something else wrong.  Try embracing the fog, my friend -- sometimes it's good to just let the world spin by while we're in our cocoon.    Give yourself a break. Just a theory, see if that makes sense to you. I'm just throwing ideas out here but if none of them resonate with you, move on to something that does.

I understand the suspicion of prescribed pharmeceuticals and the drug mill, but be careful with that thinking because medications can save people's lives. Keep working at it.  We care for you and hope you find what works for you.


***Damn you, quote function!  Just wanted to say the bolded/italicized part resonates.

And thank you for your words below.  Above? 

Fifthelement

So much love and thoughtful caring in this thread.  It’s a balm in times of worry. Sending love, light and healing to all who are in need.  (((Hugs)))

brianlux

what dreams said:

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. 
I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights

Oh no!  I can't imagine doing a job interview on 2 1/2 hours sleep!  I hope it went OK despite your being tired.   Best wishes for your mom as well.

And thanks for kind words. 

Matts3221

brianlux said:

lastexitlondon said:

Is it the  virus brian thats getting  to you?

Only as a factor in how my life changed now being mostly jobless.

Matts3221 said:

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

As rob said , Virus ? World Issues ? Just wondering what is keeping you up at night. Do you have regular sleep issues ? I want to offer some advice ( may not work at all but always worth a shot ) that said I don't want to offer advice without knowing the full issue , either way I hope today is a better day for you.

Thank you Matts.  I sometimes seem to fit the description of "King of Worry". 

Basically right now what it comes down to is:

-Moderately worried that no matter how careful I am, I could get the virus.  I'm not afraid of death, only of dying slowly of an illness.

-Frustrated with having to leave my job either 6 or 18 months early (wanted to "retire" on my day hired anniversary).

-Not able to scout for books to keep my little on-line business going.

-Next to heart disease, I think joblessness might be a major killer.

-Having more recent skin cancer issues.  Benign so far but it's cancer nevertheless. 

-Concerned that change has been slow and little in America all my life and that current BLM and environmental  issues may prove to be more of same.

-A stubborn lack of acceptance that at almost 69 years of age I cannot do things I did at 29 or 39 or 49 or 59.

-Not happy being at the leading edge of the hellish hot day of July through October in El Dorado County, CA

and...and... give me a few minutes, I'll find other things to worry about. It's one of those things a friend once referred to as one's "fatal character flaw" 

Lol I feel a little silly like there is going to be just one general thing.

I am sure if you have read my post on here you see that I am also the King Of Worry or jumping 50 step ahead. IE: Running late for work by 5 mins for the first time ever , goes into a spiral though of losing my job , losing my wife , becoming homeless , dying on the street. I pretty much do that with all aspects of my life. On that end I really feel for you and empathize with that feeling of dying of a slow illness.

I am also sorry that you may have to retired earlier than you wanted from what sounds like a job you have been with a while. Is this due to Coivid or other issues?

Heart Disease and even benign skin cancer is something I have never had to deal with so again I am sorry that keeps you up.

Change has been slow , I think most of us are feeling that right now and just discussing it and our feelings and thoughts around a discussion is the most positive thing I can do ( I need to work on this myself as I can come across as more of a hardliner sometimes , in person I truly just want to have an open dialog but some people are just not up for that in person and again I can come off online as a hardliner )

Glad to know that at 69 I will feel the same way I do at 41 ( still skateboarding even though a fall takes me out a lot longer then it did when I was 31 , 21 a teenager )

Most of all just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you this morning , hope you got some better sleep. You seem like a good dude just trying to get through  and suffering from mental illness ( not a bad word just part of anxiety ) like the rest of us.  

If you ever want to DM feel free , again thinking of you

Love

Matt

what dreams

brianlux said:

what dreams said:

brianlux said:

3:15 AM.  Sleep is impossible.  The mind won't stop.  This is ridiculous.

Like Buddy Guy said, "Worry, worry, worry".

Oh my gosh, sounds like last night was a bad one for all of us. I was wide awake right up there with you, and have been struggling with most of the same issues as the cause. I feel asleep around 6 AM, but then had to be up at 8:30 for a morning training online, and then I had a job interview at 12:30 for a lateral move in my school district. I did not take a xanax last night because by the time I went to it for my option, I knew my half-life window was over for getting up on time. . . . So -- up all night thinking through the job interview, diverging into the world falling apart and not being able to save it, then curving into memories of all the things I should never have done in my life, then my mom coughs around 4:00 AM and I start going down the "shes going to die soon." Needless to say, I did not have my best interview this afternoon given the state of my brain. 
I'm sorry, Brian. I really hope you find a place and path to live out your life the way you want. Here's hoping for fewer sleepless nights

Oh no!  I can't imagine doing a job interview on 2 1/2 hours sleep!  I hope it went OK despite your being tired.   Best wishes for your mom as well.

And thanks for kind words. 

No, the interview was a disaster. I could hear the mania in my rapid speech. I knew I was blowing it while I blew it, speaking rather incoherently while answering basic interview questions that under a normal mood I could master. At the end of the interview, I was told I would be called by the end of the day if I were to move on to the next round, which was this morning. No call, no next round. I'm okay with it. One of my late night thoughts had been -- Do I really want to be in this position of increased responsibility during a crazy time of education next fall?  It's probably for the better. 

The good part that came out of it, health wise for me, is that I recognized I was in the beginning stages of a manic episode (sleep cycle broken, racing thoughts, rapid speech, excitability and irritability, excessive pacing) -- so last night I began doubling my mood stabilizer which is what we do when I start to cycle up again. It will take a week or so to get back to stable, but again, when I heard the rapid speech (which took the freaking interview for me to notice) -- I was like, OMG. I am not well right now. 

So important for all of us to recongize our symptoms and how our particular form of mental illness manifests so we can correct as we go. In the beginning days of my diagnosis, I had to keep a very detailed mood journal tracking all my daily activity and evaluating my mood many times throughout the day for 30 days. If I had not done that and seen what my triggers are and how I respond, no amount of medication would have helped me. We are the ones primarily reponsible for managing our disease, not our doctors. I just happen to be lucky that I have a doctor who is very good at pharmacology, and she helps me that way. But I have to do the rest of the really hard work myself. There is help out there for anyone who wants to learn how to manage their disease.

lastexitlondon

Its been a while.
Im here again because i can't  keep on like this and i find my brain wont work
 I hate myself  and my life .
Fuck i cant get out of my own way.

JPPJ84

lastexitlondon said:

Its been a while.
Im here again because i can't  keep on like this and i find my brain wont work
 I hate myself  and my life .
Fuck i cant get out of my own way.

Doesn’t it give you any hope at all that your family has gotten through this mess pretty well so far?

lastexitlondon

Its really worse  as this all opens up here i cant handle it better in lockdown i preferred  that i had control.
Ive become a mess and an expert at getting out of my head on weed thats fucking me up even more. I cant  face a day. From 5 am until midday is the  worst i cant explain.
My confusion (granted weed wont help that) is absolutely  off the chart. I have had some blood work done and it looks like rheumatoid arthritis. My rheumatoid factor was 45.  Which is autoimmune.all other blood  was good and vit d was up a lot which is good. Im petrified.  Add that to my confusion and this pandemic. In 3 weeks schools go back  which means my partners  13year old slightly autistic sob who hasnt left the house for months is going back. And lives in my flat. I cant be here  if thats happening. So what do i do. I just want it all to over and shut my eyes forever 

OffSheGoes35

lastexitlondon said:

Its really worse  as this all opens up here i cant handle it better in lockdown i preferred  that i had control.
Ive become a mess and an expert at getting out of my head on weed thats fucking me up even more. I cant  face a day. From 5 am until midday is the  worst i cant explain.
My confusion (granted weed wont help that) is absolutely  off the chart. I have had some blood work done and it looks like rheumatoid arthritis. My rheumatoid factor was 45.  Which is autoimmune.all other blood  was good and vit d was up a lot which is good. Im petrified.  Add that to my confusion and this pandemic. In 3 weeks schools go back  which means my partners  13year old slightly autistic sob who hasnt left the house for months is going back. And lives in my flat. I cant be here  if thats happening. So what do i do. I just want it all to over and shut my eyes forever 

You are so good at getting all of your feelings out! You already know that the biggest struggle for you is giving up control. You have even pinpointed the roughest time of day. You have all this valuable information just waiting for the right person.Keep looking for that person. 

OffSheGoes35

In the meantime, do what you do best. Spend quality time with your baby girl. Can you do that today?

hedonist

Hang in there, Rob, and try to ease up on the green if it’s not doing right by you.

Is there a doctor you can speak with or see, either in person or virtually?

23scidoo

OffSheGoes35 said:

In the meantime, do what you do best. Spend quality time with your baby girl. Can you do that today?

Keep your mind busy Rob..