A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

lastexitlondon

I had some sad news that a friend of mine i played football with has lost his battle with cancer. A  Young man . This news came as i am in bed again ill.  This made me determined to push harder and wish i didnt waste my life in fear. I feel like i have no choice but i want better. 
My friend ollie was the nicest kindest soul.
A quiet man and young.  I feel embarrassed  to be me. 
Love eachother .

23scidoo

lastexitlondon said:

I had some sad news that a friend of mine i played football with has lost his battle with cancer. A  Young man . This news came as i am in bed again ill.  This made me determined to push harder and wish i didnt waste my life in fear. I feel like i have no choice but i want better. 
My friend ollie was the nicest kindest soul.
A quiet man and young.  I feel embarrassed  to be me. 
Love eachother .

Sorry for your loss R..keep fight please..

lastexitlondon

Thanks  my friend. Life is so short. Its  too short and  its always the good that suffer i never understand  that 

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

I had some sad news that a friend of mine i played football with has lost his battle with cancer. A  Young man . This news came as i am in bed again ill.  This made me determined to push harder and wish i didnt waste my life in fear. I feel like i have no choice but i want better. 
My friend ollie was the nicest kindest soul.
A quiet man and young.  I feel embarrassed  to be me. 
Love eachother .

So very sorry for your loss Rob. Thinking of you  your family and friends.

lastexitlondon

Thanks matt. How are you?

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

I had some sad news that a friend of mine i played football with has lost his battle with cancer. A  Young man . This news came as i am in bed again ill.  This made me determined to push harder and wish i didnt waste my life in fear. I feel like i have no choice but i want better. 
My friend ollie was the nicest kindest soul.
A quiet man and young.  I feel embarrassed  to be me. 
Love eachother .

My condolences on the loss of your friend Rob.  Perspective can be a real gift.  However, your  struggles are just as valid.  Always keep fighting. You’re worth it.

lastexitlondon

I was just thinking  how all you people from many countries pull for me and im so alone and lost. His death should wake  me up but im trying to use it all to pull me out. 
Im failing and dont know what to do. 
A delivery of free bark chippings is due at my garden allotment  this afternoon and i must find a way to get  up and out .
Symptoms  haulting me but i must push

Fifthelement

That’s all you can do Rob.  Push yourself one step at a time, one day at a time.  Take the small victories as they come, and don’t beat yourself up on the days that it’s just too much to get out of bed or get off the couch.  Your heart, your compassion and your love for your family and friends are an amazing thing to witness.  

lastexitlondon

Do you  really see that? Because  i speak from  my heart and to see that people can see me is amazing to think . I never feel like anyone  knows i am that way. Thank you so much . That last post got me. Because that IS me. I am that. I wonder why that hit my heart

Fifthelement

lastexitlondon said:

Do you  really see that? Because  i speak from  my heart and to see that people can see me is amazing to think . I never feel like anyone  knows i am that way. Thank you so much . That last post got me. Because that IS me. I am that. I wonder why that hit my heart

Yes, I really see you Rob.  All of us here do.  (((Hugs)))

lastexitlondon

we went and it rained but she loved it in the  shed with a candle on.!

lastexitlondon

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

we went and it rained but she loved it in the  shed with a candle on.!

That, my friend, is some good stuff. 

lastexitlondon

I know  i am so very lucky. 
I feel so guilty i spend all day with my daughter and miss my older kids so much. 
I want to be strong and i want to not  be a coward. 

deadendp

lastexitlondon said:

I know  i am so very lucky. 
I feel so guilty i spend all day with my daughter and miss my older kids so much. 
I want to be strong and i want to not  be a coward. 

I wouldn't say you are a coward at all. Depression is debilitating. You are trying to get out there. Taking that cute sweetness Rosie with you. Rome was not built in a day and rebuilding mental health can't be done with the snap of your fingers. 

You are still sober. 

You have reached out to get help. 

You are getting out, if even to your garden, which is working toward an eventual goal and not an instantaneous one. 

You are getting there. Ben Folds would tell you, "Time takes time you know."

lastexitlondon

I feel like im losing more than i gain if you know what i mean. 
Like 16 years of fighting and each week its worse. I mean the sober thing i was just talking about and im seriously no better off . Infact i would say worse. I dont get it.
I even thought about having a smoke again but didnt. 
I just cant see where this is leading  for the better. 
Im not ungrateful at all for what i have, its just all work and hard  work at that for no reason. 

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

Thanks matt. How are you?

Rob first and foremost with everything going on right now with you and simply asking how I am doing shows what an amazing human you are.

I am doing ok , I started therapy again and have had two doctors appointments ( everything was via facetime ) , so things are looking up but that said a long way to go.

I first need to clean the bases of myself off , my fears of Covid-19 , my coping skills need to be refined a bit.

Once this is over I need to move to a much deeper level of what this is all about , I have been in therapy for five years before but I learned a lot about my cognitive behavior but never really got to root problems , deep childhood trauma that I have blocked out for so long.

I have been looking at when this is all over doing mushroom therapy , at least here in the US some doctors will have you clear out a whole day , they give me a does of mushrooms and with my therapist along with two doctors they guide me thru my life and hopeful I find some peace when it is all over.

Until then just deep breaths , still getting out to get 3-10 miles a day depending on the weather. Seems to be helping.   

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

I know  i am so very lucky. 
I feel so guilty i spend all day with my daughter and miss my older kids so much. 
I want to be strong and i want to not  be a coward. 

You are strong and not a coward , you would not be on here talking to everyone if you were a coward.

Love

Matt

RunIntoTheRain

lastexitlondon said:

we went and it rained but she loved it in the  shed with a candle on.!

The smile on your face made me smile right back.

I have great admiration for you. You keep putting one foot in front of the other. That takes guts.

I don't post much here, but I do read the thread and felt compelled to let you know a perfect stranger feels great respect for you.

~Tami

lastexitlondon

Wow this is amazing to me. Im so grateful