A safe place for anxiety sufferers to share.

OffSheGoes35

lastexitlondon said:

We dont vaccinate under 16 atm here. 

Didn't realize your stepson wasn't eligible to be vaccinated. That makes things all the more difficult, now doesn't it? Shit.

Is your wife with you today? Even if you deal with this situation in two totally different ways, you're in this together. I don't know whether or not that is the case, but if it is...remember that you're in this together. 

Purple Fairy Tree

OffSheGoes35 said:

My dad says similar remarks about dying. The remarks come out in unusual ways and I usually brush them off...but you know what? How many times has someone broached the subject of their death and you were able to have a real conversation about it? How many times does that really happen? Probably not many. Maybe most people have to just make off-putting remarks, because no one can really talk about it? I don't know.

Yeah, I think all of you are right.
No one is supposed to talk about it, but people want to broach the subject about their own mortality just to address it (as that is how they feel). 

I also agree that it's so they can have the last word, like @HughFreakingDillon said, I told you!

Perhaps I could try to listen, but i find it difficult to consider this as an alternative reality in advance, as it will be bad enough when it does happen and I'm not looking forward to it.

For most of the last few years, particularly during covid, I have worried months on end, and each day in and out, that things are coming to an end.

But everyday or everytime I spend time with them, drinking tea, talking, cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing laundry, gardening, caring for them, checking medication, taking them to appointments, helping them, taking them out, buying new things for them that they need, etc, they seem ok. 

I've stopped worrying so much now, I think regular interaction and supervision helps them keep going. I feel grateful they are here

lastexitlondon

for 4 years ive kept her safe and well and happy. She says dad you are my best friend.  She has her pj wristband on to charge her up for school.  God i wish i could keep.her here with me forever 
 We are best friends.  And we do everything together  everyday and through lockdown  times we gardened most days and found  peace and pure joy in nature. Im crying  my eyes out typing  this. I don't  want to let her  go.

lastexitlondon

As i type daughter  came on my tv

OffSheGoes35

lastexitlondon said:

for 4 years ive kept her safe and well and happy. She says dad you are my best friend.  She has her pj wristband on to charge her up for school.  God i wish i could keep.her here with me forever 
 We are best friends.  And we do everything together  everyday and through lockdown  times we gardened most days and found  peace and pure joy in nature. Im crying  my eyes out typing  this. I don't  want to let her  go.

Cry when you need to cry. Sleep when you need to sleep. Get it all out. I know you're doing what you need to do to prepare, because tomorrow is a special day for that little one. ❤️❤️❤️

lastexitlondon

Now it begins.  My best friend. 

Matts3221

lastexitlondon said:

Now it begins.  My best friend. 

She is so beautiful and looks so happy !!!

stuckinline

lastexitlondon said:

Now it begins.  My best friend. 

Great smile! 

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Now it begins.  My best friend. 

Cute as a button!

lastexitlondon

She  is my everything.  Bless her she  was so happy  and cant wait to go back tomorrow  and play. 
I know illness is coming  amd ive cried and shook all day. But its not about  me thats what i keep telling myself.  If she is happy i must hold this in.

lastexitlondon

Its all come on top. 3 am shaking crying. Heart racing. Breathing rapid. The enormity of this has hit me. Im fucked

OffSheGoes35

How are you feeling now?

lastexitlondon

Its 1.45pm i had half a valium at 10 and a can of beer now.. i feel dirty and wrong. Its not sustainable.  

OffSheGoes35

Why do you feel that way, because of taking the medicine during the day? 

lastexitlondon

Drinking is always a guilty  feeling. And i know valium is bad. I just dont know what to do anymore. 

OffSheGoes35

Well, maybe the valium during the day can just be short term. Have you thought about cutting out Covid news for now?

mickeyrat

are you abusing either?

aside from the guilt, are you getting some relief?

lastexitlondon

OffSheGoes35 said:

Well, maybe the valium during the day can just be short term. Have you thought about cutting out Covid news for now?

I will so that if possible.  Its everywhere  here  school  gates are so awful for me. Its my job to take rosie in the a.m as my partner takes her  teen  son by car to college. 
I always beat  myself  up so much. 

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

are you abusing either?

aside from the guilt, are you getting some relief?

Im not abusing  either atm. I rarely take half a valium.  And drink  i have days of over doing it then days if one drink.  So I guess  alcohol  is a problem  as far as go to. 

lastexitlondon

Relief  ... i was. Not today feels disgusting  and low

lastexitlondon

Also im being  very honest  and vulnerable  on here i just suddenly  thought how many people see this and i feel vulnerable  and embarrassed.  Im too open sometimes.  I just  write here not thinking who is reading.  
But i am me and i am honesty  personified 

mickeyrat

lastexitlondon said:

Relief  ... i was. Not today feels disgusting  and low

feelings as real as they are,  arent facts. they WILL pass if we let them. that's a judgement you are placing on yourself.

some of what I've read from you gives me the impression you are punishing yourself for something. as if you believe you aren't worthy of peace. I've had my time in that. Terrible place to be.

so if my impression is close to the truth, I ask why AREN'T you worthy of peace. Why not you? Same as anyone else?

not that this is a cure all but dammit man, give yourself a fucking break once in a while.

show yourself the same care and kindness you readily offer the folks here.

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat said:

lastexitlondon said:

Relief  ... i was. Not today feels disgusting  and low

feelings as real as they are,  arent facts. they WILL pass if we let them. that's a judgement you are placing on yourself.

some of what I've read from you gives me the impression you are punishing yourself for something. as if you believe you aren't worthy of peace. I've had my time in that. Terrible place to be.

so if my impression is close to the truth, I ask why AREN'T you worthy of peace. Why not you? Same as anyone else?

not that this is a cure all but dammit man, give yourself a fucking break once in a while.

That is accurate  my friend.  I cried  reading  it. Its true and i dont  understand wtf is happening  to me

OffSheGoes35

lastexitlondon said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Well, maybe the valium during the day can just be short term. Have you thought about cutting out Covid news for now?

I will so that if possible.  Its everywhere  here  school  gateso awful for me. Its my job to take rosie in the a.m as my partner takes her  teen  son by car to college. 
I always beat  myself  up so much. 

I think you should go easy on yourself. This is new territory and you're just starting out. You need time to learn how to navigate and cope. 
I think you will keep trying to find what works for you, and that is all anyone can ask for. I just hope you will give yourself some time and some room to make mistakes.

lastexitlondon

I really do appreciate  you friends being here.i have this  next to my bed i just  re read it. My eldest daughter  wrote this  to me 6-8 months  ago. And its exactly  what you are saying

lastexitlondon

mickeyrat

you've raised some smart girls. listen to them.

lastexitlondon

Thank you

HughFreakingDillon

lastexitlondon said:

wow. amazing. 

stuckinline

lastexitlondon said:

Beautiful!!! What great insight....'one small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means you were put to the test and didn't fall apart'.