Here's the thing, I respectfully disagree with this idea that I just have shitty friends. It's just about honesty and knowing people. We all have people we gotta be careful with, like one guy who drinks too much and gets unbearably nasty when he does, so you don't invite him if there's gonna be an open bar right? Or if you've got a new bf/gf you don't want them around that person who is a giant perv. Or if you've got a friend who is incredibly sensitive emotionally you don't call them up when you're having a crisis cuz you know they aren't gonna be of much help/use cuz they'll end up having a melt down. I'm fine with excluding people because of certain traits or personality types or whatever, because sometimes it makes sense. I don't get upset when I don't get invited to the strip club. Or even the regular club. Or the EDC. Cuz I have no interest in strippers, dancing, dudes pressing play on a laptop, or Molly. The alcohol thing I think is stupid, cuz in my mind it's still just a fucking beverage. I won't accept "I was drunk" as an excuse/explanation/part of an apology cuz no one put a gun to your head and said "drink this". But then I remember that I'm never gonna understand what it's like to be the person who wants to drink. I can't relate to that. So how exactly can i judge them for not wanting a sober person there while they're drinking? I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. It could very well be the same mentality I have toward my emotional friend. "Why didn't you call me?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a crisis." Vs. "Why no invite?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a bar." That's how/why I learned to let it go, and realized that at least they respect me enough to tell me my presence is unwelcome, rather than making up excuses or inviting me when they don't really want me there, just out of obligation or something.
Jenny I have similar feelings about large groups, but it entirely depends on the setting. Anywhere loud I can't do. It's too difficult to talk to 8 people at once if I have to yell. If it's like a park or someone's house, it's easy. There's more than 4 people on your team right? Venue/environment is a huge factor. I also find it exhausting after 5 hours or whatever of 15 people crammed into a kitchen drinking, eating, laughing, telling stories, listening to music, arguing, etc. I will be more exhausted after that despite having sat on my ass the whole time, than if I'd been running around doing errands and shopping and whatever in that time. I think it's an attention span thing. If you're someone who likes to focus on one thing at a time trying to divide your attention among 10 people is mentally exhausting. And since you mentioned you like to watch tv and read and find yourself in good company when you're alone I suspect you are generally more focused on one or two things at a time, than someone who can't sit through a whole episode of GoT without getting up to go do something else or texting with someone about something else. Some people want to go back and rewatch an entire series from the 90a before the movie comes out, some people want to play half a level of bejeweled while talking to someone, playing with a child, watching a tv show, and eating. Guess which one can better handle a group of 20 at a loud bar on Saturday night? Maybe consider signing up for a cooking class? You'll meet people, it's probably a small group, and you'll learn a valuable skill.
Edit: in the interest of disclosure, I'm not in recovery or anything.I don't drink cuz I've got the palette of a five year old, and alcohol is yucky. I'm also a picky eater. I've always been like that, I think I've got one of those super sensitive palate things I read about in an article once. I'm also female, And not the compliant type - so ain't nobody forcing me to put something in my mouth that I don't want to. All the social pressure in the woooooooorld ain't gonna change that. :putsdukesup:
Excellent points there Ident! Because your friends drink and don't want to offend you, or be bothered by not being lowed to 'be themselves while drunk' does not make them not your true friends. Honestly I think it makes the MORE true, because at least they're being honest with you. And to your face, I have the utmost respect for people like that. If we all of us non drinkers end up at a show together? We should get together and have a soda together!!
Here's the thing, I respectfully disagree with this idea that I just have shitty friends. It's just about honesty and knowing people. We all have people we gotta be careful with, like one guy who drinks too much and gets unbearably nasty when he does, so you don't invite him if there's gonna be an open bar right? Or if you've got a new bf/gf you don't want them around that person who is a giant perv. Or if you've got a friend who is incredibly sensitive emotionally you don't call them up when you're having a crisis cuz you know they aren't gonna be of much help/use cuz they'll end up having a melt down. I'm fine with excluding people because of certain traits or personality types or whatever, because sometimes it makes sense. I don't get upset when I don't get invited to the strip club. Or even the regular club. Or the EDC. Cuz I have no interest in strippers, dancing, dudes pressing play on a laptop, or Molly. The alcohol thing I think is stupid, cuz in my mind it's still just a fucking beverage. I won't accept "I was drunk" as an excuse/explanation/part of an apology cuz no one put a gun to your head and said "drink this". But then I remember that I'm never gonna understand what it's like to be the person who wants to drink. I can't relate to that. So how exactly can i judge them for not wanting a sober person there while they're drinking? I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. It could very well be the same mentality I have toward my emotional friend. "Why didn't you call me?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a crisis." Vs. "Why no invite?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a bar." That's how/why I learned to let it go, and realized that at least they respect me enough to tell me my presence is unwelcome, rather than making up excuses or inviting me when they don't really want me there, just out of obligation or something.
Jenny I have similar feelings about large groups, but it entirely depends on the setting. Anywhere loud I can't do. It's too difficult to talk to 8 people at once if I have to yell. If it's like a park or someone's house, it's easy. There's more than 4 people on your team right? Venue/environment is a huge factor. I also find it exhausting after 5 hours or whatever of 15 people crammed into a kitchen drinking, eating, laughing, telling stories, listening to music, arguing, etc. I will be more exhausted after that despite having sat on my ass the whole time, than if I'd been running around doing errands and shopping and whatever in that time. I think it's an attention span thing. If you're someone who likes to focus on one thing at a time trying to divide your attention among 10 people is mentally exhausting. And since you mentioned you like to watch tv and read and find yourself in good company when you're alone I suspect you are generally more focused on one or two things at a time, than someone who can't sit through a whole episode of GoT without getting up to go do something else or texting with someone about something else. Some people want to go back and rewatch an entire series from the 90a before the movie comes out, some people want to play half a level of bejeweled while talking to someone, playing with a child, watching a tv show, and eating. Guess which one can better handle a group of 20 at a loud bar on Saturday night? Maybe consider signing up for a cooking class? You'll meet people, it's probably a small group, and you'll learn a valuable skill.
Edit: in the interest of disclosure, I'm not in recovery or anything.I don't drink cuz I've got the palette of a five year old, and alcohol is yucky. I'm also a picky eater. I've always been like that, I think I've got one of those super sensitive palate things I read about in an article once. I'm also female, And not the compliant type - so ain't nobody forcing me to put something in my mouth that I don't want to. All the social pressure in the woooooooorld ain't gonna change that. :putsdukesup:
Do you know I always assumed you were a guy for some reason (I know there was a thread on that very topic)! I'm a picky eater too, my favourite dinner is toast and cereal
What infuriates me in Ireland is that I need to have a reason not to drink. For me, it's those who do drink who should have to explain why they do so. Why am I the one made to feel like a freak?
technology is alienating people under the guise of connecting everyone. facebook posts are not meaningful connection. it's fluff. everyone, and I'm guilty of this myself sometimes, posts only the best parts of their lives on facebook. you can pintpoint the people who are truly miserable by their daily "life is wonderful" posts. and that's not judging, I feel bad for those people, and it makes me want to reach out. the thing is, if you post something shitty about your life, people either think a) you are pathetic and looking for attention/reassurance, or b) you are a negative creep. you literally can't win on social media. people are learning a strange reaction: they are basing their social and self worth on likes and responses on social media. think about that. to me, that is the same as, in the days before cell phones and answering machines and call display, placing your self worth on someone not picking up the phone. maybe they aren't home. maybe someone didn't see your post, or relate to it, or saw a picture of a kitten that Ricky Gervais posted and forgot about your post. it's not a slight on you. it showcases our current state of global ADHD.
people are losing the ability, or maybe even the interest, in face to face conversations. many experts are decrying current social media technology as the social downfall of our civilization, that our current generation is going to grow up not knowing how to connect with others on any deep and meaningful way. we are a social animal, and that part of our instinct and need is being taken away from us, actually we are giving it away.
people aren't even engaging in relationships anymore. they are posting on apps and websites that they are horny and ready to go, someone answers, click bang boom, back to my video game.
the Hollywood idea of an apocalypse has been, ironically, that robots are going to take over the world and destroy humanity. those movies and books are partially right. except WE are going to be the robots.
Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....
I am almost 31. I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time. I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in. I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?
I'm 29 and was never a social butterfly, now I just don't bother at all. I play a lot of sport so I get out and see people, but beyond that I don't attempt to socialise. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, I've never even been on a date! So believe me, you're not alone in your experience The thing is, if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? When you think about it honestly, do you think you're a bad person? What makes you describe yourself as a loser?
Well I have never had a girlfriend. My shrink, doctors and previous colleagues were all surprised when they find out. I even have to put up with people including my mum assuming I am gay which is upsetting. I've been on like 3 dates that didn't work out, my dates made it clear they were not interested. I don't think I am a bad person. I am polite and respectful, kind. I can't answer people when they ask why I've never had a girlfriend as I don't know why myself. I can't work out what I am doing wrong.
Loser = single, no friends, no job, still living at home with parents, no talents, no skills = me.
you are not a loser. it sounds to me like you likely just have a severe lack of confidence, and women pick up on that very quickly. if you are in any way self deprecating, or even slouch your shoulders and don't look people in the eye when you speak, that can be a turnoff for many women.
learn to love yourself, first and foremost. stop questioning why people don't accept you. start questioning why you don't accept yourself.
I spent 5 years in my late teens/early 20's in a very toxic relationship. we lived together for a while as well. one day, my parents sat me down and said "she's mean to you". i was shocked. I had ZERO idea that she in any way treated me in a disrespecting way. that was the beginning of the end of us, as it opened my eyes to the truth. after we broke up, I didn't know how to function. for 6 months I was an emotional wreck. but after I got over it, I spent the next 2 years of my life getting to know myself, what I liked, what I disliked, what my hobbies were, etc. it was literally, up to that point, the most fun I've ever had. and I didn't have a load of friends at that point either.
if you learn to love yourself and find out who you are, you will gain confidence in yourself, and you will attract like minded people when you meet them.
I wanna reach back to the comments about interacting socially without alcohol. A huge part of why I never go anywhere anymore is cuz I stopped getting invited because I don't drink. a lot of time I'm told that it's not my scene, or that it's just gonna be a bunch of drunk assholes and I don't need to be around that. I'm also told that I'm not invited cuz everyone is gonna be drinking and what am I gonna do there? Or that no one wants a sober person hanging around while everyone else is drinking. People who don't already know me react with distrust when i inevitably have to explain that I don't drink. They think something must be wrong with me.
My advice: fuck em. It's a goddamned beverage.
I used to get upset about it (especially when photos started popping up on social media & I'd get a hard case of the fomos, and I'd argue with them about it, demanding to know why no one gives a fuck that I don't fuck cough syrup but holds it against me that I don't drink alcohol, when I drink neither for the same fucking reason. I even considered buying a fake AA coin to carry and brandish as an explanation for why I'm not drinking.
I do still occasionally get jealous, like when my friend posted photos from her birthday at this cute rooftop bar with a great view, but I've just accepted that I'm not really welcome in those situations and that's okay. I don't mind being at a bar and ordering a club soda. Other people minding me doing that isn't my problem.
I once hung out with a group of people that EXPECTED me to get wasted every time I saw them, because I was known as this big party guy. If I didn't, there was something wrong with ME. It took a long time, but I realized I was going along with this charade so I can find a way to fit in with this crowd. Then I realized I no longer wanted to try to fit in, so I dumped them.
it became a real problem, as I felt like, socially, that was my only worth....to get loaded and be funny. so everytime I went out with friends, I got BLASTED. then I figured out I was much funnier and better to be around when I wasn't loaded. can't tell a joke with a bloated tongue.
what took me a LONG time to learn is that if people don't want the real me around, then I don't want to be around them. stop TRYING. you shouldn't have to TRY. that is exhausing emotionally and mentally. you start to develop anxiety about just going out with people.
I used to have a hundred "close" friends. my phone would ring off the hook. and now, since I learned my own true value and dumped all the excess baggage? I can't tell you the last time I got a phone call from a friend. I have very few. and the ones I have, I rarely talk to. I'm married, and sometimes I feel alone in that I would like to go out here and there with friends, but it doesn't bother me nearly as much as being popular with assholes did.
and thoughts, you don't have to tell anyone anything about your illness. you can simply say something like "I have a medical condition that doesn't allow to me to drink". if they ask what it is? for one, that's extremely intrusive, but if you want to answer, you can say "that's a question for when we know each other a bit better", and say it with a confident, almost sly-cat smile. most people will back off.
Here's the thing, I respectfully disagree with this idea that I just have shitty friends. It's just about honesty and knowing people. We all have people we gotta be careful with, like one guy who drinks too much and gets unbearably nasty when he does, so you don't invite him if there's gonna be an open bar right? Or if you've got a new bf/gf you don't want them around that person who is a giant perv. Or if you've got a friend who is incredibly sensitive emotionally you don't call them up when you're having a crisis cuz you know they aren't gonna be of much help/use cuz they'll end up having a melt down. I'm fine with excluding people because of certain traits or personality types or whatever, because sometimes it makes sense. I don't get upset when I don't get invited to the strip club. Or even the regular club. Or the EDC. Cuz I have no interest in strippers, dancing, dudes pressing play on a laptop, or Molly. The alcohol thing I think is stupid, cuz in my mind it's still just a fucking beverage. I won't accept "I was drunk" as an excuse/explanation/part of an apology cuz no one put a gun to your head and said "drink this". But then I remember that I'm never gonna understand what it's like to be the person who wants to drink. I can't relate to that. So how exactly can i judge them for not wanting a sober person there while they're drinking? I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. It could very well be the same mentality I have toward my emotional friend. "Why didn't you call me?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a crisis." Vs. "Why no invite?" "Cuz you'd be useless in a bar." That's how/why I learned to let it go, and realized that at least they respect me enough to tell me my presence is unwelcome, rather than making up excuses or inviting me when they don't really want me there, just out of obligation or something.
Jenny I have similar feelings about large groups, but it entirely depends on the setting. Anywhere loud I can't do. It's too difficult to talk to 8 people at once if I have to yell. If it's like a park or someone's house, it's easy. There's more than 4 people on your team right? Venue/environment is a huge factor. I also find it exhausting after 5 hours or whatever of 15 people crammed into a kitchen drinking, eating, laughing, telling stories, listening to music, arguing, etc. I will be more exhausted after that despite having sat on my ass the whole time, than if I'd been running around doing errands and shopping and whatever in that time. I think it's an attention span thing. If you're someone who likes to focus on one thing at a time trying to divide your attention among 10 people is mentally exhausting. And since you mentioned you like to watch tv and read and find yourself in good company when you're alone I suspect you are generally more focused on one or two things at a time, than someone who can't sit through a whole episode of GoT without getting up to go do something else or texting with someone about something else. Some people want to go back and rewatch an entire series from the 90a before the movie comes out, some people want to play half a level of bejeweled while talking to someone, playing with a child, watching a tv show, and eating. Guess which one can better handle a group of 20 at a loud bar on Saturday night? Maybe consider signing up for a cooking class? You'll meet people, it's probably a small group, and you'll learn a valuable skill.
Edit: in the interest of disclosure, I'm not in recovery or anything.I don't drink cuz I've got the palette of a five year old, and alcohol is yucky. I'm also a picky eater. I've always been like that, I think I've got one of those super sensitive palate things I read about in an article once. I'm also female, And not the compliant type - so ain't nobody forcing me to put something in my mouth that I don't want to. All the social pressure in the woooooooorld ain't gonna change that. :putsdukesup:
I'm not going to argue if you think you have good friends. But I will say that I believe it to be totally different to exclude someone because they have an annoying NON-behaviour as opposed to excluding someone for an annoying behaviour. it honestly reeks of high schoolish type stuff, where everyone in the group smokes or they get mocked. peer pressure. if someone drinks too much, that's something to say "you know what, i don't want this guy around". But someone who doesn't drink? that's bizarre to me.
I have been the sober one in the group. sometimes there have been the odd "you're not drinking? why not?" and the person won't let up about it, like somehow my non-drunkenness is invading your buzz. those are generally people I try to avoid, though. my hunch is that type of person is actually wondering what makes you so fucking confident in yourself that you can have a good time without being wasted.
HFD, that's so awesome that your parents spoke to you about that girl. I stayed in a toxic relationship for too long in part because of my parents, the way they were about him. I wonder about my use of social media. Mostly I just use the messenger app, but I don't post much & never anything of substance. Mostly just travel photos. Happy birthday messages. Occasional random observations/information usually community/neighborhood related. Oh, and talking crap about sports stuff. I feel like I don't take it seriously but maybe I do. I'm always surprised when I wind up with a "tag" cuz someone feels the need to announce that I'm with them somewhere.
If anyone hasn't I suggest watching an episode of Black Mirror called The Entire History of You. It's on Netflix, and don't worry about that you haven't seen the previous episodes, it's not gonna matter
HFD, that's so awesome that your parents spoke to you about that girl. I stayed in a toxic relationship for too long in part because of my parents, the way they were about him. I wonder about my use of social media. Mostly I just use the messenger app, but I don't post much & never anything of substance. Mostly just travel photos. Happy birthday messages. Occasional random observations/information usually community/neighborhood related. Oh, and talking crap about sports stuff. I feel like I don't take it seriously but maybe I do. I'm always surprised when I wind up with a "tag" cuz someone feels the need to announce that I'm with them somewhere.
If anyone hasn't I suggest watching an episode of Black Mirror called The Entire History of You. It's on Netflix, and don't worry about that you haven't seen the previous episodes, it's not gonna matter
yeah, at first I was pretty defensive about it. I mean, we lived together, to me all was fine. But we went on a family camping trip, and they said they noticed how she was always taking jabs at me. I took what they said, thought on it for a long while, then realized they were right.
it was one of the best things they ever did for me.
I think it takes time to truly know people and so often people don't feel comfortable talking about deep questions or feelings they might have in everyday conversations.
I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
I think it takes time to truly know people and so often people don't feel comfortable talking about deep questions or feelings they might have in everyday conversations.
I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
I've tried to talk to people to get to know them better...not when I first meet them, but people that I had met and known for a bit who claimed to be my friends. So, if people really want to make those types of connections or not anymore is beyond me.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I think it takes time to truly know people and so often people don't feel comfortable talking about deep questions or feelings they might have in everyday conversations.
I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
I will do this occasionally when I'm getting messaged about something that warrants a real time response, but when people do this at a restaurant as soon as they sit down it annoys the fuck out of me.
I think it takes time to truly know people and so often people don't feel comfortable talking about deep questions or feelings they might have in everyday conversations.
I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
I will do this occasionally when I'm getting messaged about something that warrants a real time response, but when people do this at a restaurant as soon as they sit down it annoys the fuck out of me.
It is annoying! And very rude. I usually turn off my phone when hanging out in person.
I've tried to talk to people to get to know them better...not when I first meet them, but people that I had met and known for a bit who claimed to be my friends. So, if people really want to make those types of connections or not anymore is beyond me.
Do you mean you've tried to talk to them and it hasn't been as successful as you'd like?
I think it takes time to truly know people and so often people don't feel comfortable talking about deep questions or feelings they might have in everyday conversations.
I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
Yeah, totally. I have facebook friends I was never really friends with in 3D life. I get a friend request, and it exhibits an annoyed response now, rather than the "cool! I wonder who this one is!" of a few years ago. When I have to look at the persons mutual friends list, and pm one of those people asking who the fuck this person is trying to friend me, we've lost the whole initial purpose.
I habe literally walked by a group of teens/20's and noticed them al looking down in silence, and I wonder what the fuck is happening.
To be fair though, every generation has its previous generation looking down its nose at them for one reason or another. I cant say that a load of my teenage years were spent in highly intuitive conversation anyway. We were sitting there, flipping through rock magazines, listening to music, not saying much, getting stoned and saying virtually nothing sensical. Or walking around the neighbourhood smoking our cool cigarettes waiting for something awesome to happen, and 99% of the time nothing did, so we just went home at the end of the night thinking how boring our worthless lives were. Is it really that damn different than staring at a phone in the company of friends at a coffee shop? Probably not. I think the problem is when we stop going out into the world....just staying in our empty homes and live tweeting game of thrones marathons, or playing video games for 20 hours with our headsets on, blowing the bejesus out of some teenager in Japan, thinking that is somehow "connecting".
I will do this occasionally when I'm getting messaged about something that warrants a real time response, but when people do this at a restaurant as soon as they sit down it annoys the fuck out of me.
It bothers me too. When we go out to dinner, my husband and younger son spend time on their phones while my older son and I talk. I don't understand the need to look at the phones that much!
I've tried to talk to people to get to know them better...not when I first meet them, but people that I had met and known for a bit who claimed to be my friends. So, if people really want to make those types of connections or not anymore is beyond me.
Do you mean you've tried to talk to them and it hasn't been as successful as you'd like?
Yes, they just change the subject...not that I'm asking super personal questions...things like 'where'd you grow up?'
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
Rkcndy, I can see why you'd be disappointed if people didn't respond to your questions.
I promise you I'd answer any question you asked!
it's okay, I've learned to just assume those people would just rather have 'surface friendships'. They only want to be as deep as a puddle...I'd rather know people who are like oceans, deep and meaningful.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
So I wonder if people who use a chat/forum regularly have a social anxiety...they can get to know people, and have a thoughtful conversation without being face to face. I know I'm super shy, I don't do well in large groups of people I don't know well (it's literally exhausting/mentally taxing for me)...heck, at PJ pre-parties, I'm not one to bounce around the room and say hi to everybody. I only do that if I know people there.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
Rkcndy, I can see why you'd be disappointed if people didn't respond to your questions.
I promise you I'd answer any question you asked!
it's okay, I've learned to just assume those people would just rather have 'surface friendships'. They only want to be as deep as a puddle...I'd rather know people who are like oceans, deep and meaningful.
Me too. Unfortunately I believe that is becoming a rarity.
Rkcndy, I can see why you'd be disappointed if people didn't respond to your questions.
I promise you I'd answer any question you asked!
it's okay, I've learned to just assume those people would just rather have 'surface friendships'. They only want to be as deep as a puddle...I'd rather know people who are like oceans, deep and meaningful.
Me too. Unfortunately I believe that is becoming a rarity.
I think texting and cell phones killed that desire to connect inerpersonally with others.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
Yeah, totally. I have facebook friends I was never really friends with in 3D life. I get a friend request, and it exhibits an annoyed response now, rather than the "cool! I wonder who this one is!" of a few years ago. When I have to look at the persons mutual friends list, and pm one of those people asking who the fuck this person is trying to friend me, we've lost the whole initial purpose.
I habe literally walked by a group of teens/20's and noticed them al looking down in silence, and I wonder what the fuck is happening.
To be fair though, every generation has its previous generation looking down its nose at them for one reason or another. I cant say that a load of my teenage years were spent in highly intuitive conversation anyway. We were sitting there, flipping through rock magazines, listening to music, not saying much, getting stoned and saying virtually nothing sensical. Or walking around the neighbourhood smoking our cool cigarettes waiting for something awesome to happen, and 99% of the time nothing did, so we just went home at the end of the night thinking how boring our worthless lives were. Is it really that damn different than staring at a phone in the company of friends at a coffee shop? Probably not. I think the problem is when we stop going out into the world....just staying in our empty homes and live tweeting game of thrones marathons, or playing video games for 20 hours with our headsets on, blowing the bejesus out of some teenager in Japan, thinking that is somehow "connecting".
Yes. That's true, but I do think there's something to sitting next to someone trying to think of something to say to get a conversation going. They don't face that. They just pull out their phones.
I think about this because I teach a bunch of freshman college students and so often they sit in that time before class starts and don't talk to each other. I know they could be having fun conversations but they don't even get them rolling because of the phones!
Rkcndy, I can see why you'd be disappointed if people didn't respond to your questions.
I promise you I'd answer any question you asked!
it's okay, I've learned to just assume those people would just rather have 'surface friendships'. They only want to be as deep as a puddle...I'd rather know people who are like oceans, deep and meaningful.
Me too. Unfortunately I believe that is becoming a rarity.
I think texting and cell phones killed that desire to connect inerpersonally with others.
I do as well. That's why I turn my phone off when hanging out with people in person.
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What infuriates me in Ireland is that I need to have a reason not to drink. For me, it's those who do drink who should have to explain why they do so. Why am I the one made to feel like a freak?
people are losing the ability, or maybe even the interest, in face to face conversations. many experts are decrying current social media technology as the social downfall of our civilization, that our current generation is going to grow up not knowing how to connect with others on any deep and meaningful way. we are a social animal, and that part of our instinct and need is being taken away from us, actually we are giving it away.
people aren't even engaging in relationships anymore. they are posting on apps and websites that they are horny and ready to go, someone answers, click bang boom, back to my video game.
the Hollywood idea of an apocalypse has been, ironically, that robots are going to take over the world and destroy humanity. those movies and books are partially right. except WE are going to be the robots.
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learn to love yourself, first and foremost. stop questioning why people don't accept you. start questioning why you don't accept yourself.
I spent 5 years in my late teens/early 20's in a very toxic relationship. we lived together for a while as well. one day, my parents sat me down and said "she's mean to you". i was shocked. I had ZERO idea that she in any way treated me in a disrespecting way. that was the beginning of the end of us, as it opened my eyes to the truth. after we broke up, I didn't know how to function. for 6 months I was an emotional wreck. but after I got over it, I spent the next 2 years of my life getting to know myself, what I liked, what I disliked, what my hobbies were, etc. it was literally, up to that point, the most fun I've ever had. and I didn't have a load of friends at that point either.
if you learn to love yourself and find out who you are, you will gain confidence in yourself, and you will attract like minded people when you meet them.
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it became a real problem, as I felt like, socially, that was my only worth....to get loaded and be funny. so everytime I went out with friends, I got BLASTED. then I figured out I was much funnier and better to be around when I wasn't loaded. can't tell a joke with a bloated tongue.
what took me a LONG time to learn is that if people don't want the real me around, then I don't want to be around them. stop TRYING. you shouldn't have to TRY. that is exhausing emotionally and mentally. you start to develop anxiety about just going out with people.
I used to have a hundred "close" friends. my phone would ring off the hook. and now, since I learned my own true value and dumped all the excess baggage? I can't tell you the last time I got a phone call from a friend. I have very few. and the ones I have, I rarely talk to. I'm married, and sometimes I feel alone in that I would like to go out here and there with friends, but it doesn't bother me nearly as much as being popular with assholes did.
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I have been the sober one in the group. sometimes there have been the odd "you're not drinking? why not?" and the person won't let up about it, like somehow my non-drunkenness is invading your buzz. those are generally people I try to avoid, though. my hunch is that type of person is actually wondering what makes you so fucking confident in yourself that you can have a good time without being wasted.
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I wonder about my use of social media. Mostly I just use the messenger app, but I don't post much & never anything of substance. Mostly just travel photos. Happy birthday messages. Occasional random observations/information usually community/neighborhood related. Oh, and talking crap about sports stuff. I feel like I don't take it seriously but maybe I do. I'm always surprised when I wind up with a "tag" cuz someone feels the need to announce that I'm with them somewhere.
If anyone hasn't I suggest watching an episode of Black Mirror called The Entire History of You. It's on Netflix, and don't worry about that you haven't seen the previous episodes, it's not gonna matter
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it was one of the best things they ever did for me.
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I agree that a lot of people are indeed a huge pain in the ass.
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I also think all this superficial connection on social media is often substituting for deeper, in-person, relationships. Not that I don't enjoy the distant friendships, it's just that they aren't the same as close, in-the-room relationships.
So often I see people with their noses in their phones when they are sitting next to someone they could be talking to!
- Christopher McCandless
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I habe literally walked by a group of teens/20's and noticed them al looking down in silence, and I wonder what the fuck is happening.
To be fair though, every generation has its previous generation looking down its nose at them for one reason or another. I cant say that a load of my teenage years were spent in highly intuitive conversation anyway. We were sitting there, flipping through rock magazines, listening to music, not saying much, getting stoned and saying virtually nothing sensical. Or walking around the neighbourhood smoking our cool cigarettes waiting for something awesome to happen, and 99% of the time nothing did, so we just went home at the end of the night thinking how boring our worthless lives were. Is it really that damn different than staring at a phone in the company of friends at a coffee shop? Probably not. I think the problem is when we stop going out into the world....just staying in our empty homes and live tweeting game of thrones marathons, or playing video games for 20 hours with our headsets on, blowing the bejesus out of some teenager in Japan, thinking that is somehow "connecting".
www.headstonesband.com
- Christopher McCandless
I promise you I'd answer any question you asked!
- Christopher McCandless
- Christopher McCandless
- Christopher McCandless
I think about this because I teach a bunch of freshman college students and so often they sit in that time before class starts and don't talk to each other. I know they could be having fun conversations but they don't even get them rolling because of the phones!