Why people feel so alone?

Thoughts_Arrive

Are we losers? Yes/No? I feel like one all the time.
Being unemployed for nearly a year doesn't help.

jnimhaoileoin

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Yeah, it's like I don't know how to make friends.

jnimhaoileoin

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Yeah, it's like I don't know how to make friends.

And you wonder why it seems so easy for others and assume there must be something wrong with you that nobody seems to have an interest in your friendship. Is it our fault though? Maybe people would be interested but we've lost the will to make an effort and seek out new friendships. It's hard to know....

Thoughts_Arrive

It's hard to find a true friend which in turn makes us make no effort in trying and give up?

jnimhaoileoin

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

SD48277

Please, if nothing else, please know:
You Are Worthy Of Every Thing.
Every. Thing.

As for the people who post on FB....check back with them in 5 years and see how their lives are. Chances are some of those marriages will have ended, people will have changed jobs, their financial circumstances will have changed, etc. (you get the idea). Time is the great equalizer. And those pictures they post are just a split second in time that does not give you the full story (perhaps after the picture was taken the couple in the pic got in to a horrendous fight, or the picture of someone on holiday doesn't tell the story of how they had food poisoning and spent the night gripping a toilet and wishing for mercy). Not that I wish ill will on anyone, but you never get the full story--just the highlights.

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

jnimhaoileoin

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

I'm 29 and was never a social butterfly, now I just don't bother at all. I play a lot of sport so I get out and see people, but beyond that I don't attempt to socialise. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, I've never even been on a date! So believe me, you're not alone in your experience The thing is, if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? When you think about it honestly, do you think you're a bad person? What makes you describe yourself as a loser?

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

I'm 29 and was never a social butterfly, now I just don't bother at all. I play a lot of sport so I get out and see people, but beyond that I don't attempt to socialise. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, I've never even been on a date! So believe me, you're not alone in your experience The thing is, if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? When you think about it honestly, do you think you're a bad person? What makes you describe yourself as a loser?

Well I have never had a girlfriend. My shrink, doctors and previous colleagues were all surprised when they find out. I even have to put up with people including my mum assuming I am gay which is upsetting. I've been on like 3 dates that didn't work out, my dates made it clear they were not interested. I don't think I am a bad person. I am polite and respectful, kind. I can't answer people when they ask why I've never had a girlfriend as I don't know why myself. I can't work out what I am doing wrong.

Loser = single, no friends, no job, still living at home with parents, no talents, no skills = me.

jnimhaoileoin

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

I am Aussie :-)
Yeah there are many young people out of work here.
Yeah I know that a partner and friends won't fall on my lap and that I need to go out there.
But going out alone like a lone wolf ain't my idea of a happy fun time, plus in my city going out alone at night is an invitation to a mugging or bashing.
I thought about internet dating sites but not too keen on that either.
I thought I might meet someone at work but that didn't happen and isn't a wise idea.
I am not part of any sporting club.
What sport do you play?
The problem I find is I cannot find like minded people, every person here is boring and into superficial things. My only friend is my only friend because we are very much alike in terms of interests in music, bands, food, and our senses of humour. Most guys are macho tough car loving misogynistic jerks that I come across into doof doof techno music.
I feel like an alien. I have reconnected through Facebook with old friends from early childhood that want to catch up with me and I want to but without a job I can't afford to right now but the chance is there in future.

5 things about me I am happy about? Hmmm.
1. Can play guitar
2. Can write songs
3. Can draw good
4. Intelligent
5. Tall

jnimhaoileoin

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

I am Aussie :-)
Yeah there are many young people out of work here.
Yeah I know that a partner and friends won't fall on my lap and that I need to go out there.
But going out alone like a lone wolf ain't my idea of a happy fun time, plus in my city going out alone at night is an invitation to a mugging or bashing.
I thought about internet dating sites but not too keen on that either.
I thought I might meet someone at work but that didn't happen and isn't a wise idea.
I am not part of any sporting club.
What sport do you play?
The problem I find is I cannot find like minded people, every person here is boring and into superficial things. My only friend is my only friend because we are very much alike in terms of interests in music, bands, food, and our senses of humour. Most guys are macho tough car loving misogynistic jerks that I come across into doof doof techno music.
I feel like an alien. I have reconnected through Facebook with old friends from early childhood that want to catch up with me and I want to but without a job I can't afford to right now but the chance is there in future.

5 things about me I am happy about? Hmmm.
1. Can play guitar
2. Can write songs
3. Can draw good
4. Intelligent
5. Tall

Sounds to me like you have talents then Maybe not ones that are instantly translatable into a job but still skills that you have that others not only don't have but would also envy.

Getting yourself out there isn't easy. I don't drink, so you can imagine that makes socialising a bit of a challenge in Ireland, where everything revolves around drinking. I've tried internet dating but nothing has come of it so far. I go on the site every couple of weeks though and I'll message a guy. So far this hasn't yielded any results but at least I can say I'm trying and there's no harm in it.

I play badminton and soccer, both mixed sports so I certainly meet plenty of people from all walks of life. I'm also a more confident person when I'm playing sport so it's easier for me to talk to people. Maybe if you looked to meet people in an environment in which you'd be comfortable. You say you play and write, have you ever performed in public or do you feel you'd be able to? Maybe you could even look into giving guitar lessons?

Good to hear facebook being used in a positive way, to reconnect with people

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

I am Aussie :-)
Yeah there are many young people out of work here.
Yeah I know that a partner and friends won't fall on my lap and that I need to go out there.
But going out alone like a lone wolf ain't my idea of a happy fun time, plus in my city going out alone at night is an invitation to a mugging or bashing.
I thought about internet dating sites but not too keen on that either.
I thought I might meet someone at work but that didn't happen and isn't a wise idea.
I am not part of any sporting club.
What sport do you play?
The problem I find is I cannot find like minded people, every person here is boring and into superficial things. My only friend is my only friend because we are very much alike in terms of interests in music, bands, food, and our senses of humour. Most guys are macho tough car loving misogynistic jerks that I come across into doof doof techno music.
I feel like an alien. I have reconnected through Facebook with old friends from early childhood that want to catch up with me and I want to but without a job I can't afford to right now but the chance is there in future.

5 things about me I am happy about? Hmmm.
1. Can play guitar
2. Can write songs
3. Can draw good
4. Intelligent
5. Tall

Sounds to me like you have talents then Maybe not ones that are instantly translatable into a job but still skills that you have that others not only don't have but would also envy.

Getting yourself out there isn't easy. I don't drink, so you can imagine that makes socialising a bit of a challenge in Ireland, where everything revolves around drinking. I've tried internet dating but nothing has come of it so far. I go on the site every couple of weeks though and I'll message a guy. So far this hasn't yielded any results but at least I can say I'm trying and there's no harm in it.

I play badminton and soccer, both mixed sports so I certainly meet plenty of people from all walks of life. I'm also a more confident person when I'm playing sport so it's easier for me to talk to people. Maybe if you looked to meet people in an environment in which you'd be comfortable. You say you play and write, have you ever performed in public or do you feel you'd be able to? Maybe you could even look into giving guitar lessons?

Good to hear facebook being used in a positive way, to reconnect with people

I am a self taught guitarist, I am no whiz, I can't even play lead. No way I'd be able to teach. I don't even know theory or what chords I am playing. I can't sing well so I don't know about performing. I am getting singing lessons when I can.
I thought by joining a sports club (I am not bad at soccer and thought of playing) would mean friendships, but your there for the soccer and beyond that may not have anything in common.
I am more comfortable around artistic/musician types than sports types anyways.

Yeah I don't drink either, not since getting on anti depressant medication. I can have one standard drink a week but would rather not. Haven't touched alcohol since starting my medication. Even before that I was rarely drinking, only at after work functions or at birthdays.
I dread having to avoid drinking at future work functions as I don't want people to know about my depression/anxiety. We too have a big drinking culture here, everyone is expected to get drunk to have a good time. I used to get drunk years ago but it's not fun anymore.
I wouldn't mind a nice Guinness by the way.

jnimhaoileoin

Yeah it can be very hard to fit in when you don't drink, unless you're a naturally confident person. People tell me I shouldn't let it stop me going out but they have no idea what it's like when you're not outgoing.

Sounds like you have at least one good friend though, does he know about your depression and can you talk to him about things like that?

whispering hands

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Yep that's me.
I am single, never had a partner and have one friend and there are times we don't see each other for long periods of time but always stay in touch online. Makes me feel lonely and scared if I were to lose that friendship I'd be a loner.
Saturday nights at home are the worst. Since starting taking antidepressants for my anxiety and depression I am coping better with my situation and not thinking of suicide as much as I used to.

Facebook is terrible in that I see everyone having a great night out, getting married etc and makes me feel shit about my situation.
I had more "friends" years ago but they proved themselves to not be true friends.

My shrink kept pushing me to join social groups but I can't do it. Too shy and just don't trust people having been hurt and let down many times in the past. It is hard to find a true friend that deeply cares for you.

My comfort is in listening to music and writing music.

Sooooooo know how you feel!

brianlux

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

I am Aussie :-)
Yeah there are many young people out of work here.
Yeah I know that a partner and friends won't fall on my lap and that I need to go out there.
But going out alone like a lone wolf ain't my idea of a happy fun time, plus in my city going out alone at night is an invitation to a mugging or bashing.
I thought about internet dating sites but not too keen on that either.
I thought I might meet someone at work but that didn't happen and isn't a wise idea.
I am not part of any sporting club.
What sport do you play?
The problem I find is I cannot find like minded people, every person here is boring and into superficial things. My only friend is my only friend because we are very much alike in terms of interests in music, bands, food, and our senses of humour. Most guys are macho tough car loving misogynistic jerks that I come across into doof doof techno music.
I feel like an alien. I have reconnected through Facebook with old friends from early childhood that want to catch up with me and I want to but without a job I can't afford to right now but the chance is there in future.

5 things about me I am happy about? Hmmm.
1. Can play guitar
2. Can write songs
3. Can draw good
4. Intelligent
5. Tall

Sounds to me like you have talents then Maybe not ones that are instantly translatable into a job but still skills that you have that others not only don't have but would also envy.

Getting yourself out there isn't easy. I don't drink, so you can imagine that makes socialising a bit of a challenge in Ireland, where everything revolves around drinking. I've tried internet dating but nothing has come of it so far. I go on the site every couple of weeks though and I'll message a guy. So far this hasn't yielded any results but at least I can say I'm trying and there's no harm in it.

I play badminton and soccer, both mixed sports so I certainly meet plenty of people from all walks of life. I'm also a more confident person when I'm playing sport so it's easier for me to talk to people. Maybe if you looked to meet people in an environment in which you'd be comfortable. You say you play and write, have you ever performed in public or do you feel you'd be able to? Maybe you could even look into giving guitar lessons?

Good to hear facebook being used in a positive way, to reconnect with people

I am a self taught guitarist, I am no whiz, I can't even play lead. No way I'd be able to teach. I don't even know theory or what chords I am playing. I can't sing well so I don't know about performing. I am getting singing lessons when I can.
I thought by joining a sports club (I am not bad at soccer and thought of playing) would mean friendships, but your there for the soccer and beyond that may not have anything in common.
I am more comfortable around artistic/musician types than sports types anyways.

Yeah I don't drink either, not since getting on anti depressant medication. I can have one standard drink a week but would rather not. Haven't touched alcohol since starting my medication. Even before that I was rarely drinking, only at after work functions or at birthdays.
I dread having to avoid drinking at future work functions as I don't want people to know about my depression/anxiety. We too have a big drinking culture here, everyone is expected to get drunk to have a good time. I used to get drunk years ago but it's not fun anymore.
I wouldn't mind a nice Guinness by the way.

Reading your posts over the years, I've always seen you a good person and a together kind of guy, Thoughts. You know what you like, you're taking care of things, and you know what's good for you and what's not. I hope you find the right people to be around who are like you in those good ways. And it's really cool that you are here on the PJ forums with these other good folks.

whispering hands

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

I got 11 years in YA! And I feel like that a lot too. We just gotta hang in there. If you ever need to vent, or just want someone to 'talk' to. You can always PM me.

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Yeah it can be very hard to fit in when you don't drink, unless you're a naturally confident person. People tell me I shouldn't let it stop me going out but they have no idea what it's like when you're not outgoing.

Sounds like you have at least one good friend though, does he know about your depression and can you talk to him about things like that?

Yeah he does. I don't really talk to him about it. I don't feel comfortable talking about it and my friend has his own dramas. I am naturally very introverted and shy and uncomfortable in social settings unless I know the people well.
I was told I have social anxiety by my shrink.

Thoughts_Arrive

brianlux said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Ok well I can match you in all those except that I do have a job! Being unemployed certainly doesn't make you a loser, if it did then you'd be in the company of thousands of other losers in your state alone (if you're American?). I can't explain where we're going wrong, it's as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I'm inclined to blame myself though, if I don't go out and socialise then how can I expect to develop relationships. I suppose I've been hoping to meet someone through my sports but no luck there so far. We're definitely too young to write ourselves off though. We both believe we're good people, so we do see some positives. Maybe we just need to focus more on those and less on the negatives. So give me 5 things about yourself or your life that you're happy about?

I am Aussie :-)
Yeah there are many young people out of work here.
Yeah I know that a partner and friends won't fall on my lap and that I need to go out there.
But going out alone like a lone wolf ain't my idea of a happy fun time, plus in my city going out alone at night is an invitation to a mugging or bashing.
I thought about internet dating sites but not too keen on that either.
I thought I might meet someone at work but that didn't happen and isn't a wise idea.
I am not part of any sporting club.
What sport do you play?
The problem I find is I cannot find like minded people, every person here is boring and into superficial things. My only friend is my only friend because we are very much alike in terms of interests in music, bands, food, and our senses of humour. Most guys are macho tough car loving misogynistic jerks that I come across into doof doof techno music.
I feel like an alien. I have reconnected through Facebook with old friends from early childhood that want to catch up with me and I want to but without a job I can't afford to right now but the chance is there in future.

5 things about me I am happy about? Hmmm.
1. Can play guitar
2. Can write songs
3. Can draw good
4. Intelligent
5. Tall

Sounds to me like you have talents then Maybe not ones that are instantly translatable into a job but still skills that you have that others not only don't have but would also envy.

Getting yourself out there isn't easy. I don't drink, so you can imagine that makes socialising a bit of a challenge in Ireland, where everything revolves around drinking. I've tried internet dating but nothing has come of it so far. I go on the site every couple of weeks though and I'll message a guy. So far this hasn't yielded any results but at least I can say I'm trying and there's no harm in it.

I play badminton and soccer, both mixed sports so I certainly meet plenty of people from all walks of life. I'm also a more confident person when I'm playing sport so it's easier for me to talk to people. Maybe if you looked to meet people in an environment in which you'd be comfortable. You say you play and write, have you ever performed in public or do you feel you'd be able to? Maybe you could even look into giving guitar lessons?

Good to hear facebook being used in a positive way, to reconnect with people

I am a self taught guitarist, I am no whiz, I can't even play lead. No way I'd be able to teach. I don't even know theory or what chords I am playing. I can't sing well so I don't know about performing. I am getting singing lessons when I can.
I thought by joining a sports club (I am not bad at soccer and thought of playing) would mean friendships, but your there for the soccer and beyond that may not have anything in common.
I am more comfortable around artistic/musician types than sports types anyways.

Yeah I don't drink either, not since getting on anti depressant medication. I can have one standard drink a week but would rather not. Haven't touched alcohol since starting my medication. Even before that I was rarely drinking, only at after work functions or at birthdays.
I dread having to avoid drinking at future work functions as I don't want people to know about my depression/anxiety. We too have a big drinking culture here, everyone is expected to get drunk to have a good time. I used to get drunk years ago but it's not fun anymore.
I wouldn't mind a nice Guinness by the way.

Reading your posts over the years, I've always seen you a good person and a together kind of guy, Thoughts. You know what you like, you're taking care of things, and you know what's good for you and what's not. I hope you find the right people to be around who are like you in those good ways. And it's really cool that you are here on the PJ forums with these other good folks.

Thank you so much :-)
Glad you remember me haha. I haven't been on here much in the last year or so.