Why people feel so alone?

dimitrispearljam

its something i see every day..in social media,or in real ife..even people have family,partner,kids,pets,job,collagues,..what ever..
so many feel alone...i know way of life,technology,jobs..makes people feels pressure,life running fast...bust still ..i try to understand the phenomenon..
thoughts?

PJSiren

I know with suffering from depression and bipolar, even when I'm surrounded by people I can feel all alone. It has to do with people not understanding what I'm going through...or at least me thinking the don't and wouldn't. It has helped me a lot to find other's with bipolar as well to be able to relate to.

That's just my experience...

whispering hands

I have a HUGE sensitivity tompeoke's energy that makes me very uncomfortable, so I
Tend to hide away to avoid it. I have to take IMMENSE amounts of medication or alcohol to be around other people. I think I tend to internalize that, and then take it personally.
The lyric my pain is self chosen.. Describes me well.

The Waiting Trophy Man

"You are not alone. I am here with you." - Michael Jackson.

Okay, bad example.

jnimhaoileoin

I feel lonely much of the time, but that's unsurprising as I don't have many friends and have never had a partner. I'm reasonably comfortable in my own company though, so I guess that's something

PJSiren

The Waiting Trophy Man said:

"You are not alone. I am here with you." - Michael Jackson.

Okay, bad example.

Nah...made me smile! I love MJ...he was a beautiful soul!

The Waiting Trophy Man

PJSiren said:

The Waiting Trophy Man said:

"You are not alone. I am here with you." - Michael Jackson.

Okay, bad example.

Nah...made me smile! I love MJ...he was a beautiful soul!

No I just meant he's dead, lol. But hey, his songs live on!

brianlux

Part of it may be lack of community. Most people naturally gravitate to community. In tribal societies, that comes naturally. In modern society we are alienated from each other by the way we live. And yet we still seek community which is why so many of us are on Facebook or on-line community sites like this one.

I guess that explains the scenario more than the cause. Excellent question, Dimitri.

SD48277

Maybe it comes down to connection, or a feeling that we are connected to other people. You can feel alone standing in a crowd of people if you don't feel connected to anyone, or feel that no one sees you.

jennycoyle said:

I feel lonely much of the time, but that's unsurprising as I don't have many friends and have never had a partner. I'm reasonably comfortable in my own company though, so I guess that's something

Jenny, being comfortable in your own company is HUGE. Think of all the people that can't stand to be by themselves and the things they do to distract themselves. You have a lot going for you if you can be your own best company.

jnimhaoileoin

SD48277 said:

Maybe it comes down to connection, or a feeling that we are connected to other people. You can feel alone standing in a crowd of people if you don't feel connected to anyone, or feel that no one sees you.

jennycoyle said:

I feel lonely much of the time, but that's unsurprising as I don't have many friends and have never had a partner. I'm reasonably comfortable in my own company though, so I guess that's something

Jenny, being comfortable in your own company is HUGE. Think of all the people that can't stand to be by themselves and the things they do to distract themselves. You have a lot going for you if you can be your own best company.

I also have tv and books for company, they never piss me off

RKCNDY

SD48277 said:

Maybe it comes down to connection, or a feeling that we are connected to other people. You can feel alone standing in a crowd of people if you don't feel connected to anyone, or feel that no one sees you.

jennycoyle said:

I feel lonely much of the time, but that's unsurprising as I don't have many friends and have never had a partner. I'm reasonably comfortable in my own company though, so I guess that's something

Jenny, being comfortable in your own company is HUGE. Think of all the people that can't stand to be by themselves and the things they do to distract themselves. You have a lot going for you if you can be your own best company.

Yes, the people that constantly have to be surrounded by others thrive off attention. Kinda sad because they cease to get to know people on a deeper level, and being by themselves actually drives them nuts.
I know many people, but don't have that 'deep emotional connection' with them all, because there are so many people out there that just don't seem to need or want that connection. I actually 'need' to be alone every few days, being around people constantly exhausts me. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, it came from being a 'highly sensitive person' (my environment growing up didn't help either). Doesn't mean I'm a wuss, it means that I can pretty much 'read' people in an instant, I can walk into a room and pick out the person who is having a shitty day even though they are laughing and smiling.

I think the people who feel alone just feel really terrible because they are always there for others, yet no one is there for them.

An open ear is probably the most wonderful gift a person can give another.

dimitrispearljam

Im with company and its 1 am here,.ill post my thought at comments.tomorrow.really intresting conversation..
only one quick comment..about lisas post
"An open ear is probably the most wonderful gift a person can give another. "

its really the most intresting and correct thought,idea i read this year..

jnimhaoileoin

As someone who used facebook a lot, I also see how it can make people feel really alone. You spend a lot of time reading about other people having great fun with their friends and partners, going places, getting married, having kids etc. Essentially living lives you'd give anything to be living yourself. Now I know everyone says that people present the best version of their lives on facebook, but that doesn't stop you feeling like your life is pretty pathetic in comparison

whispering hands

jennycoyle said:

As someone who used facebook a lot, I also see how it can make people feel really alone. You spend a lot of time reading about other people having great fun with their friends and partners, going places, getting married, having kids etc. Essentially living lives you'd give anything to be living yourself. Now I know everyone says that people present the best version of their lives on facebook, but that doesn't stop you feeling like your life is pretty pathetic in comparison

Lol and then there are the people like me, that showed their WORST side on FB. Part of why I left it! So there's both sides..

SD48277

"Nothing is more destructive than comparison." I wish I could remember who said that, but the quote has stuck with me. It doesn't mean that I don't do it, but I try to catch myself when it happens and remind myself that my life is different. Jenny, you live in a beautiful city (a place most people are dying to visit), and have your own interests (one of which, if I recall correctly, is taking you to Paris); please don't feel your life is pathetic...it's just on a different trajectory.

whispering hands

I have to force myself to branch out. The youth pastor of my Church just asked me to consider going on a short 10 day Inner City missions group for kids living in the inner city of NYC. I'm seriously considering going., I need to make myself available to people. That's part of my problem, I'm terrified of being in that setting..

hedonist

Smart chick up there, jenny. Heed her wisdom - and your own instinct. From what I've seen and read from you, good head on those shoulders.

(sidenote, to anyone who FEELS alone - know you're not, ever. I'm in awe of the spirit and strength shown not just here but through other means. Never underestimate your effect on others)

brianlux

Loneliness can be the cruelest feeling in the world but there are times when I share Henry Rollins sentiment here:

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better."

There have also been times when I can relate to this:

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”
Maya Angelou

jnimhaoileoin

SD48277 said:

"Nothing is more destructive than comparison." I wish I could remember who said that, but the quote has stuck with me. It doesn't mean that I don't do it, but I try to catch myself when it happens and remind myself that my life is different. Jenny, you live in a beautiful city (a place most people are dying to visit), and have your own interests (one of which, if I recall correctly, is taking you to Paris); please don't feel your life is pathetic...it's just on a different trajectory.

Thank you for your kind thoughts I know I'm my own worst enemy when I constantly compare myself to others, hard habit to break! I am so grateful to be from such an amazing country though and you're right in saying that I should take more time to be grateful for what I do have rather than constantly regretting what I don't. Hedonist I have a good enough head on me to identify my faults and faulty thinking patterns, I just can't seem to rewire myself to fix the problem

Thoughts_Arrive

Yep that's me.
I am single, never had a partner and have one friend and there are times we don't see each other for long periods of time but always stay in touch online. Makes me feel lonely and scared if I were to lose that friendship I'd be a loner.
Saturday nights at home are the worst. Since starting taking antidepressants for my anxiety and depression I am coping better with my situation and not thinking of suicide as much as I used to.

Facebook is terrible in that I see everyone having a great night out, getting married etc and makes me feel shit about my situation.
I had more "friends" years ago but they proved themselves to not be true friends.

My shrink kept pushing me to join social groups but I can't do it. Too shy and just don't trust people having been hurt and let down many times in the past. It is hard to find a true friend that deeply cares for you.

My comfort is in listening to music and writing music.

jnimhaoileoin

I think it's certainly important to have a friend who you feel you can tell anything, even if you don't consider yourself to be that close to them and even if you don't speak to them all that often. I would say I have no close friends but there is probably someone who I would feel safe in telling nearly anything, so it's something of a safety net I guess

Thoughts_Arrive

Are we losers? Yes/No? I feel like one all the time.
Being unemployed for nearly a year doesn't help.

jnimhaoileoin

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Yeah, it's like I don't know how to make friends.

jnimhaoileoin

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

We're not losers, we determine our own value. Problem is in our lack of self-worth, we feel like losers and so we give up on trying to connect with others as we don't believe they really have any interest in spending time with us. Eventually you give up and just stop trying to be sociable

Yeah, it's like I don't know how to make friends.

And you wonder why it seems so easy for others and assume there must be something wrong with you that nobody seems to have an interest in your friendship. Is it our fault though? Maybe people would be interested but we've lost the will to make an effort and seek out new friendships. It's hard to know....

Thoughts_Arrive

It's hard to find a true friend which in turn makes us make no effort in trying and give up?

jnimhaoileoin

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

SD48277

Please, if nothing else, please know:
You Are Worthy Of Every Thing.
Every. Thing.

As for the people who post on FB....check back with them in 5 years and see how their lives are. Chances are some of those marriages will have ended, people will have changed jobs, their financial circumstances will have changed, etc. (you get the idea). Time is the great equalizer. And those pictures they post are just a split second in time that does not give you the full story (perhaps after the picture was taken the couple in the pic got in to a horrendous fight, or the picture of someone on holiday doesn't tell the story of how they had food poisoning and spent the night gripping a toilet and wishing for mercy). Not that I wish ill will on anyone, but you never get the full story--just the highlights.

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

jnimhaoileoin

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

I'm 29 and was never a social butterfly, now I just don't bother at all. I play a lot of sport so I get out and see people, but beyond that I don't attempt to socialise. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, I've never even been on a date! So believe me, you're not alone in your experience The thing is, if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? When you think about it honestly, do you think you're a bad person? What makes you describe yourself as a loser?

Thoughts_Arrive

jennycoyle said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

jennycoyle said:

Plus I think once you're in your twenties even, you probably think it's too late, assuming everyone already has best friends and nobody is really looking for new ones. Of course, we forget that there are probably other people like us out there....

I am almost 31.
I feel reluctant tagging along to groups of people that have been friends for a long time.
I have been invited by an old friend from school to his parties before but didn't go as he has a group of friends that have been friends for years. I'd feel awkward trying to fit in.
I feel my time is to find a girl and get married but who would want a loser like me?

I'm 29 and was never a social butterfly, now I just don't bother at all. I play a lot of sport so I get out and see people, but beyond that I don't attempt to socialise. I've never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship, I've never even been on a date! So believe me, you're not alone in your experience The thing is, if you don't value yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? When you think about it honestly, do you think you're a bad person? What makes you describe yourself as a loser?

Well I have never had a girlfriend. My shrink, doctors and previous colleagues were all surprised when they find out. I even have to put up with people including my mum assuming I am gay which is upsetting. I've been on like 3 dates that didn't work out, my dates made it clear they were not interested. I don't think I am a bad person. I am polite and respectful, kind. I can't answer people when they ask why I've never had a girlfriend as I don't know why myself. I can't work out what I am doing wrong.

Loser = single, no friends, no job, still living at home with parents, no talents, no skills = me.