Child-free Women

hedonist

It never was a decision for me per se...more like an on-going knowledge. Because I AM selfish (and that's just fine; we all are to varying degrees). I love the life my guy and I have; good living, small but comfortable and loving home, two kickass kitties, some indulgences here and there.

We never felt the need, the "want" I hear so many others speak of, to have a child...nor to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good parent.

Being good people is enough

polaris_x

Mamasan23 wrote:

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

great ... except for the fact that it's the stupid people breeding ...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

Indifference71

Not selfish at all. No reason at all to let society or friends/family dictate what you do with your life. Especially a decision as big as having kids.

My wife and I have been married for 10 months and I am shocked by how often we are asked when we are going to have kids. Yes, we are going to have kids eventually but we will do that when we are ready! People just need to mind their own business.

Who Princess

I took years of flack about this when I was younger. It was then known as "childless by choice." Words, shmords.

I used to hear a lot of lip service to the idea that we lived in a day and age when women could make that choice. But many people still seemed to make it their business to tell me what I should be doing. "Isn't it time for you to be getting pregnant?" "Why don't you have children?" "Do you have a fertility problem?" "Shouldn't you start trying in case you change your mind later?" My favorite, from a doctor I consulted for migraines, "You just need to get pregnant."

Were any of these people privy to the reasons my husband and I chose not to have children? Of course not. On the rare occasion that I tried to explain my reasoning, I would hear: "Oh, I don't thank that would be true! And I think you'd make a wonderful mother!" So when people asked, I just told them I didn't like children. End of conversation.

When I was 37, I had a procedure called endometrial ablation for female problems. It solves some problems but it also means you cannot get pregnant. After that, when people got nosy I just told them that I was unable to have children. Although I still a got a few "Have you considered adoption?" :roll:

Have I ever regretted it? Sometimes. Holding someone's sweet little baby, having conversations with my young nephews and niece, running into friends' teenage kids working at their summer jobs and trying to look grown up and responsible--sometimes I think it must be the must remarkable experience in the world to raise a child and watch as they grow and learn their place in the world. But there's a lot of hard work that goes along with that and don't think it would have been right for me to take on that role.

I went to graduate school with a woman that I very much admired. Incredibly smart, capable, fun, sensible. She had 6 kids, from junior high to college aged. She told me once, "If you want to be a mother, there all kinds of people in the world who need mothering. You don't have to have your own child to be a mother." That has always stayed with me. Excellent advice.

Annafalk

Not selfish at all, more like the opposite..

Leezestarr313

Who Princess wrote:

I took years of flack about this when I was younger. It was then known as "childless by choice." Words, shmords.

I used to hear a lot of lip service to the idea that we lived in a day and age when women could make that choice. But many people still seemed to make it their business to tell me what I should be doing. "Isn't it time for you to be getting pregnant?" "Why don't you have children?" "Do you have a fertility problem?" "Shouldn't you start trying in case you change your mind later?" My favorite, from a doctor I consulted for migraines, "You just need to get pregnant."

Were any of these people privy to the reasons my husband and I chose not to have children? Of course not. On the rare occasion that I tried to explain my reasoning, I would hear: "Oh, I don't thank that would be true! And I think you'd make a wonderful mother!" So when people asked, I just told them I didn't like children. End of conversation.

When I was 37, I had a procedure called endometrial ablation for female problems. It solves some problems but it also means you cannot get pregnant. After that, when people got nosy I just told them that I was unable to have children. Although I still a got a few "Have you considered adoption?" :roll:

Have I ever regretted it? Sometimes. Holding someone's sweet little baby, having conversations with my young nephews and niece, running into friends' teenage kids working at their summer jobs and trying to look grown up and responsible--sometimes I think it must be the must remarkable experience in the world to raise a child and watch as they grow and learn their place in the world. But there's a lot of hard work that goes along with that and don't think it would have been right for me to take on that role.

I went to graduate school with a woman that I very much admired. Incredibly smart, capable, fun, sensible. She had 6 kids, from junior high to college aged. She told me once, "If you want to be a mother, there all kinds of people in the world who need mothering. You don't have to have your own child to be a mother." That has always stayed with me. Excellent advice.

Wow, people are really unbelievable
Excellent post :thumbup:

chadwick

im a 41 yr old guy with no children. i'm even considered a freak. i knew i was not ready to be a dad, therefore, i wasn't. maybe oneday i'll be capable of the responsibilities

i feel it is a damn shame for folks to have kids whom can not even manage their own lives. these are the folks that are foolish & selfish.

norm

Mamasan23 wrote:

great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision

fuck those people with a chain saw with a rusty chain

BinFrog

Mamasan23 wrote:

I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle

Isn't that kind of the definition of selfish? I have a few friends that don't have kids and they admit they are selfish about their lifestyles and hobbies/etc, and don't want to have kids because of that.

I don't have feelings either way about your choice. You don't want kids and that's your choice. I have 2 kids and it's the greatest thing in the world to me, but to each their own. But whenever I see someone post something like you did (these kinds of threads pop up from time to time on pretty much every message board), they seem to be looking for validation, and they almost always seem to try and get people to "see" that they are not selfish. And yet every time you inevitably see something about how it doesn't fit their lifestyle or they are just too busy and have too much going on to have kids. I'm not saying it's a "bad" form of being selfish, but isn't that kind of exactly what being selfish means?

rick1zoo2

Mamasan23 wrote:

There was an amazing article in Time this month about women who choose not to have children.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2148636,00.html

I, personally, have chosen not to have children and the article really hit home for me. It touches on how women who choose not to have children are basically looked down upon by society. I have dealt with this first-hand as the great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision. I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle and I think it's a good thing that I recognize this instead of having children to fit into the norm. And honestly, if that makes me selfish, well I really don't care.

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

no, not a selfish act, but an intelligent decision that is made with careful consideration.

I think we may be getting caught up in syntax here. Making a personal decision like this is not being "selfish" - the point here is that some women (and men) get a certain negative stigma about choosing not to have children. I think that comes more from the it being the social norm to get married and have kids and people find it odd if you do not. and maybe a bit of jealousy.

hedonist

chadwick wrote:

im a 41 yr old guy with no children. i'm even considered a freak. i knew i was not ready to be a dad, therefore, i wasn't. maybe oneday i'll be capable of the responsibilities

i feel it is a damn shame for folks to have kids whom can not even manage their own lives. these are the folks that are foolish & selfish.

Amen to this.

(and to the wise words given to Who Princess at the end of her wonderful post!)

BinFrog, as I mentioned earlier, it IS a selfish choice (for/to me, anyway) but also a necessary one.

I've often been curious as to the other end of the spectrum - what was the impetus for having a child or children? I don't begrudge that urge/desire but just don't understand it.

BinFrog

hedonist wrote:

chadwick wrote:

im a 41 yr old guy with no children. i'm even considered a freak. i knew i was not ready to be a dad, therefore, i wasn't. maybe oneday i'll be capable of the responsibilities

i feel it is a damn shame for folks to have kids whom can not even manage their own lives. these are the folks that are foolish & selfish.

Amen to this.

(and to the wise words given to Who Princess at the end of her wonderful post!)

BinFrog, as I mentioned earlier, it IS a selfish choice (for/to me, anyway) but also a necessary one.

I've often been curious as to the other end of the spectrum - what was the impetus for having a child or children? I don't begrudge that urge/desire but just don't understand it.

To me it just made sense. Having my first kid at 33 years old, I had plenty of time to be selfish and have as much me-time as I needed. Then I became an uncle, fell in love with my niece and nephew, and then a few years later got married. I love my wife, have a nice career going, and having kids was the next step and something I did not take lightly. There was no question in my mind that I wanted to have kids. As trying as it can be, I don't regret the choice we made at all. My life is unquestionably better with my 2 kids in my life.

dankind

Kimmiebyrom wrote:

You're like a mama to a ton of peeps here anyway so that alone will keep you busy for years!!

More like a drunk aunt.

:P

rick1zoo2

BinFrog wrote:

[
To me it just made sense. Having my first kid at 33 years old, I had plenty of time to be selfish and have as much me-time as I needed. Then I became an uncle, fell in love with my niece and nephew, and then a few years later got married. I love my wife, have a nice career going, and having kids was the next step and something I did not take lightly. There was no question in my mind that I wanted to have kids. As trying as it can be, I don't regret the choice we made at all. My life is unquestionably better with my 2 kids in my life.

well done.

that is how I wish I could have done it. Let's just say I had nine months to prepare for each of my three sons. Wouldn't trade them for the world, but not the way I would have preferred to have done it (and not with who I would have preferred, but that is another saga......)

mca47

It's not selfish at all.

I also have no desire to have kids.

Leezestarr313

Every coin has two sides. Maybe people who decide they don't want to have children seem selfish. But parents can be selfish too...
Take Berlin as an example. The neighbourhood Prenzlauer Berg is jokingly called Pregnancy Hill because there are so many people with children. Some of them are self-proclaimed über-parents, they want the world to evolve around them and and their offspring and they have zero tolerance. This has lead to people wanting to exclude parents and their offspring from their bars. So you can see signs like this, for example, in front of a cafe or bar:


Here's a bit more to read ... http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/berlin-cafe-criticized-for-no-stroller-policy-a-858377.html

http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/adults-only-please-child-free-zone-in-berlin-cafe-raises-eyebrows-a-681951.html

I'm not saying this is the right way to do it. I'm just trying to see both sides

lazloblue

I'm one and happy to say so.

I thought for many years I'd find Mr. Right and settle down and "do" the kid thing eventually. But as time passed I realized I was not all that interested in having kids of my own. Selfish, maybe a little sometimes. But the world has so many children that are neglected and I don't want to add to that.

I like who I am and hope to contribute to the world in so many other ways.

don smith

do you know SD48277?
she is my pearl jam girl!!

rollings

Mamasan23 wrote:

And honestly, if that makes me selfish, well I really don't care.

No woman has any obligation to have children. So one doesn't equate with the other anyway.

But I just loved this line tho

comebackgirl

I never wanted to have kids and I got a lot of pressure about it from extended family and acquaintances throughout my 20's and early 30's. My ex never wanted children either, but he didn't get the same pressure from his family. I think a lot of that had to do with their expectations of what a woman is "supposed" to want vs. a man, and their projection of their values and pressures onto me. I chose not to take that on or let it influence me. That's their stuff. I've always done a pretty good job of deciding what's right for me and this was no different.

Eighteen months ago my husband and I decided that we did want to start trying to have a child. The change for me came about for a whole variety of reasons...different relationship, different place in my life, different place in my career, different place emotionally, mentally and physically, different perspective, etc. etc. etc. I'm 39 and realistic about the possibility that this will not happen. I don't regret not having a child sooner. It still was not the right choice for me before now. I'm sure having a child will be absolutely wonderful. Not having children has also been absolutely wonderful. I always said I would rather not have a child and regret it, than have a child and regret it, because the only thing that matters in any of this is that absolutely vulnerable and dependent little being that will undoubtably be shaped by my relationship with him/her. You have a child for the child...not to fulfill anyone else's expectations or to fulfill a need that no one else (especially a child) can fill. Selfish choice to not have kids? For that reason I think it's the exact opposite.