Child-free Women

Mamasan23

There was an amazing article in Time this month about women who choose not to have children.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2148636,00.html

I, personally, have chosen not to have children and the article really hit home for me. It touches on how women who choose not to have children are basically looked down upon by society. I have dealt with this first-hand as the great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision. I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle and I think it's a good thing that I recognize this instead of having children to fit into the norm. And honestly, if that makes me selfish, well I really don't care.

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

Wilds

I don't consider it selfish.

gimmesometruth27

no, it is not selfish.

there are enough people in this world with 8 kids. they are picking up the slack for you

Kimmiebyrom

You are definitely not selfish. I think the most selfish act is having children when there's overriding irresponsibility in the parents. I'm not talking the occasional bad decision, mistake, or mishap. My husband and I have 4 children, 2 of whom are adopted through the state and have fostered many others. I have seen firsthand the effects of irresponsible parenting (or no parenting at all) at its worse. Good for you that you have made a highly respectable choice. Only you and no one else could have made such a decision based on your lifestyle. I applaud you completely! No reason at all to look down on or judge those who have made that decision. You're like a mama to a ton of peeps here anyway so that alone will keep you busy for years!!

Loulou

The only time it becomes selfish is when people who should NOT be having children have them. You know within yourself that you don't want to rather than just having them anyway because 'it's what women do'. I commend you.

Mamasan23

Kimmiebyrom wrote:

You are definitely not selfish. I think the most selfish act is having children when there's overriding irresponsibility in the parents. I'm not talking the occasional bad decision, mistake, or mishap. My husband and I have 4 children, 2 of whom are adopted through the state and have fostered many others. I have seen firsthand the effects of irresponsible parenting (or no parenting at all) at its worse. Good for you that you have made a highly respectable choice. Only you and no one else could have made such a decision based on your lifestyle. I applaud you completely! No reason at all to look down on or judge those who have made that decision. You're like a mama to a ton of peeps here anyway so that alone will keep you busy for years!!

Wow thank you sweetie! I'll bet you have had to go through some rough times, that is admirable of you and your husband to adopt! I really do appreciate your input and kind words - everyone has their own path to go through in life. I just don't get why other people have to butt their noses into mine (or other people's) business I guess. And I hadn't thought of your last statement, but that sure makes sense!! I think I have to pay special attention to that Rick fella...he needs to be checked every now and again :wave:

pjhawks

as long as you are upfront with your thoughts on the subject I don't see it as being selfish at all. I am always amazed at how much people care about others choices in life. personally all I ask of my family and friends is that they be happy. if that choice is kids or no kids, married or not, gay or straight, etc. the only thing it matters is how they feel about their life choices.

LloydXmas

How daaaaare you try and have a Career and do your own thing. Now get back in the kitchen and make dinner

Kimmiebyrom

Mamasan23 wrote:

Kimmiebyrom wrote:

You are definitely not selfish. I think the most selfish act is having children when there's overriding irresponsibility in the parents. I'm not talking the occasional bad decision, mistake, or mishap. My husband and I have 4 children, 2 of whom are adopted through the state and have fostered many others. I have seen firsthand the effects of irresponsible parenting (or no parenting at all) at its worse. Good for you that you have made a highly respectable choice. Only you and no one else could have made such a decision based on your lifestyle. I applaud you completely! No reason at all to look down on or judge those who have made that decision. You're like a mama to a ton of peeps here anyway so that alone will keep you busy for years!!

Wow thank you sweetie! I'll bet you have had to go through some rough times, that is admirable of you and your husband to adopt! I really do appreciate your input and kind words - everyone has their own path to go through in life. I just don't get why other people have to butt their noses into mine (or other people's) business I guess. And I hadn't thought of your last statement, but that sure makes sense!! I think I have to pay special attention to that Rick fella...he needs to be checked every now and again :wave:

Who else could take better care of us but you?
I'm glad you shared with us. There will always be those who give opinion on your life choices. Yours is the one that counts. Thank you for YOUR kind words!!

jlaustin

I, also, chose not to have children. I don't think it was selfish, I think I was being responsible. I often feel left out of conversations, as everyone in our circle of friends are parents. It is a little better now that most of the children are teenagers now, but it was hard when the children were infants. I also feel it at work, it's like I don't have anything in common with my co-workers. All is good, though, as I have never regretted my decision. I've always been a bit of a loner!

Thanks for posting this!

klusterfuk

not selfish in anyway.

morello

I don't have children & am unsure if I'll have any however it looks unlikely at the moment(single at 37). For a while I said I didn't want to have them, then I was with a man for years who had kids & didn't want any more, now I'm single & am not at the point where I feel the need to have them enough that I'd go down that road. If/when I have a partner in the future, I'll think about it.

Anyway I too disagree it can be seen as 'selfish' to make the choice to not have kids. It is far more selfish & irresponsible to have kids & not give them the love & attention etc that they need, especially with the world as over-populated as it is.

Meanwhile :wave: & hello to other child-free women around here.

PureandEasy

I made a decision a long time ago and it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. However, the choice not to have children has always felt like a selfish decision. I think that's how I justify it in my mind.

andyzoffhegoes

No its not at all. just cause we can have kids, doesn't mean we all need too. On fb see people I grew up with going out every weekend with multiple kids sitting at home with a babysitter. I've got a feeling as to what's more selfish. Besides if you ever change your mind, that's not illegal. My grandma says I'm selfish cause I won't find a woman and get married.

ogey38

I, too, have chosen not to have children. So, I completely understand your position. My life is full, I have a wonderful family/friends/support group. And, if I ever need a kid, I just borrow one of my sister's!!!

And hello!

Meanwhile & hello to other child-free women around here.

Leezestarr313

I have two sisters with children and lots of friends who are parents too. I was never really in a hurry to get children, I have seen the good, but also the bad sides, and maybe I'm just not that hen type ... On the other hand, I would love to see what comes out of Cav and my genes, and this is kind of the ultimate human adventure.
Living in America now, the decision is almost made because we cannot afford paying 500 dollars more a month just for my health insurance to cover maternity care at the moment. If we could pay that, we would have to wait for a year before the insurance would actually cover something. America's health insurance system is preventing me from getting preggers :P :roll: I'm 35 now and live in a wonderful relationship. This would be the time. But ...

iamica

I'm a child free woman too. I sometimes get flack about it from people, but I made the decision after a lot of thought. There are many diseases and a tendency toward addiction in my family, and I don't want to pass that down to a kid. I don't think the decision to not have children is selfish. It's your life, after all, and it's a huge decision.

EdsonNascimento

How is it selfish? If you had the kid, went on a crack binge and left them in a house by themselves - that's selfish. If the kid doesn't exist, then who else are you supposed to think of?

Why do people care what other people do? You're not harming anyone (I assume, though from some of the threads, it sounds like you may be harming yourself, but that's a discussion we all need to have with our liver at some point ), so why would anyone care?

As for not having anything in common with friends who do have kids - well, that's natural. Just like you don't have much in common with your friends that don't like PJ.

I do think you (and this article) are overthinking things. As a parent, I don't care if you don't have children or not. But, 75% of my free time is spent on a soccer field. So, unless you are wandering childless on a soccer field :? I'm probably not hanging with you too much. It's just a natural thing. Not because parents look down on you. But b/c most activities we are doing involves other parents (unless THEY are really selfish).

(if your so called friends really think they way you think they do - you need new friends anyway. Most parents I know don't think that way)

Leezestarr313

There are definitely parents who look down on you when you are childress. Hearing "You don't understand, you don't have children" makes me angry. I think it is a tough and mature decision to say "I don't want to". It is not selfish at all. I think the people who say we are selfish are maybe a little jealous of the freedom that you have with no children. Just like maybe people who cannot have children for this or that reason might be jealous of people with children.

Black Diamond

I am a father of 3 and they all just returned from having camp for 7 weeks. I consider the decision of not having children, on a both psychological and economic basis, the highest level of intelligence you can achieve

Seriously, it's such a personal decision based on YOU, not society. I applaud you for knowing yourself. Not many people achieve that inner perspective.

Last-12-Exit

Good for you. I love when society knows what's best for you.

hedonist

It never was a decision for me per se...more like an on-going knowledge. Because I AM selfish (and that's just fine; we all are to varying degrees). I love the life my guy and I have; good living, small but comfortable and loving home, two kickass kitties, some indulgences here and there.

We never felt the need, the "want" I hear so many others speak of, to have a child...nor to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good parent.

Being good people is enough

polaris_x

Mamasan23 wrote:

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

great ... except for the fact that it's the stupid people breeding ...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/

Indifference71

Not selfish at all. No reason at all to let society or friends/family dictate what you do with your life. Especially a decision as big as having kids.

My wife and I have been married for 10 months and I am shocked by how often we are asked when we are going to have kids. Yes, we are going to have kids eventually but we will do that when we are ready! People just need to mind their own business.

Who Princess

I took years of flack about this when I was younger. It was then known as "childless by choice." Words, shmords.

I used to hear a lot of lip service to the idea that we lived in a day and age when women could make that choice. But many people still seemed to make it their business to tell me what I should be doing. "Isn't it time for you to be getting pregnant?" "Why don't you have children?" "Do you have a fertility problem?" "Shouldn't you start trying in case you change your mind later?" My favorite, from a doctor I consulted for migraines, "You just need to get pregnant."

Were any of these people privy to the reasons my husband and I chose not to have children? Of course not. On the rare occasion that I tried to explain my reasoning, I would hear: "Oh, I don't thank that would be true! And I think you'd make a wonderful mother!" So when people asked, I just told them I didn't like children. End of conversation.

When I was 37, I had a procedure called endometrial ablation for female problems. It solves some problems but it also means you cannot get pregnant. After that, when people got nosy I just told them that I was unable to have children. Although I still a got a few "Have you considered adoption?" :roll:

Have I ever regretted it? Sometimes. Holding someone's sweet little baby, having conversations with my young nephews and niece, running into friends' teenage kids working at their summer jobs and trying to look grown up and responsible--sometimes I think it must be the must remarkable experience in the world to raise a child and watch as they grow and learn their place in the world. But there's a lot of hard work that goes along with that and don't think it would have been right for me to take on that role.

I went to graduate school with a woman that I very much admired. Incredibly smart, capable, fun, sensible. She had 6 kids, from junior high to college aged. She told me once, "If you want to be a mother, there all kinds of people in the world who need mothering. You don't have to have your own child to be a mother." That has always stayed with me. Excellent advice.

Annafalk

Not selfish at all, more like the opposite..

Leezestarr313

Who Princess wrote:

I took years of flack about this when I was younger. It was then known as "childless by choice." Words, shmords.

I used to hear a lot of lip service to the idea that we lived in a day and age when women could make that choice. But many people still seemed to make it their business to tell me what I should be doing. "Isn't it time for you to be getting pregnant?" "Why don't you have children?" "Do you have a fertility problem?" "Shouldn't you start trying in case you change your mind later?" My favorite, from a doctor I consulted for migraines, "You just need to get pregnant."

Were any of these people privy to the reasons my husband and I chose not to have children? Of course not. On the rare occasion that I tried to explain my reasoning, I would hear: "Oh, I don't thank that would be true! And I think you'd make a wonderful mother!" So when people asked, I just told them I didn't like children. End of conversation.

When I was 37, I had a procedure called endometrial ablation for female problems. It solves some problems but it also means you cannot get pregnant. After that, when people got nosy I just told them that I was unable to have children. Although I still a got a few "Have you considered adoption?" :roll:

Have I ever regretted it? Sometimes. Holding someone's sweet little baby, having conversations with my young nephews and niece, running into friends' teenage kids working at their summer jobs and trying to look grown up and responsible--sometimes I think it must be the must remarkable experience in the world to raise a child and watch as they grow and learn their place in the world. But there's a lot of hard work that goes along with that and don't think it would have been right for me to take on that role.

I went to graduate school with a woman that I very much admired. Incredibly smart, capable, fun, sensible. She had 6 kids, from junior high to college aged. She told me once, "If you want to be a mother, there all kinds of people in the world who need mothering. You don't have to have your own child to be a mother." That has always stayed with me. Excellent advice.

Wow, people are really unbelievable
Excellent post :thumbup:

chadwick

im a 41 yr old guy with no children. i'm even considered a freak. i knew i was not ready to be a dad, therefore, i wasn't. maybe oneday i'll be capable of the responsibilities

i feel it is a damn shame for folks to have kids whom can not even manage their own lives. these are the folks that are foolish & selfish.

norm

Mamasan23 wrote:

great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision

fuck those people with a chain saw with a rusty chain

BinFrog

Mamasan23 wrote:

I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle

Isn't that kind of the definition of selfish? I have a few friends that don't have kids and they admit they are selfish about their lifestyles and hobbies/etc, and don't want to have kids because of that.

I don't have feelings either way about your choice. You don't want kids and that's your choice. I have 2 kids and it's the greatest thing in the world to me, but to each their own. But whenever I see someone post something like you did (these kinds of threads pop up from time to time on pretty much every message board), they seem to be looking for validation, and they almost always seem to try and get people to "see" that they are not selfish. And yet every time you inevitably see something about how it doesn't fit their lifestyle or they are just too busy and have too much going on to have kids. I'm not saying it's a "bad" form of being selfish, but isn't that kind of exactly what being selfish means?

rick1zoo2

Mamasan23 wrote:

There was an amazing article in Time this month about women who choose not to have children.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2148636,00.html

I, personally, have chosen not to have children and the article really hit home for me. It touches on how women who choose not to have children are basically looked down upon by society. I have dealt with this first-hand as the great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision. I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle and I think it's a good thing that I recognize this instead of having children to fit into the norm. And honestly, if that makes me selfish, well I really don't care.

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

no, not a selfish act, but an intelligent decision that is made with careful consideration.

I think we may be getting caught up in syntax here. Making a personal decision like this is not being "selfish" - the point here is that some women (and men) get a certain negative stigma about choosing not to have children. I think that comes more from the it being the social norm to get married and have kids and people find it odd if you do not. and maybe a bit of jealousy.