Child-free Women

Mamasan23

rick1zoo2 wrote:

Mamasan23 wrote:

There was an amazing article in Time this month about women who choose not to have children.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2148636,00.html

I, personally, have chosen not to have children and the article really hit home for me. It touches on how women who choose not to have children are basically looked down upon by society. I have dealt with this first-hand as the great majority of my friends have kids and I have been called selfish by them for my decision. I have decided that motherhood is just not something that would fit into my lifestyle and I think it's a good thing that I recognize this instead of having children to fit into the norm. And honestly, if that makes me selfish, well I really don't care.

What do you guys think about the rising numbers of women that are choosing not to have children? Do you think that that is a selfish act?

no, not a selfish act, but an intelligent decision that is made with careful consideration.

I think we may be getting caught up in syntax here. Making a personal decision like this is not being "selfish" - the point here is that some women (and men) get a certain negative stigma about choosing not to have children. I think that comes more from the it being the social norm to get married and have kids and people find it odd if you do not. and maybe a bit of jealousy.

Yes, thank you Rick, you described it perfectly. My problem is the judgment that I get from other people in my choice. And believe me, it happens, and quite a bit. I don't judge people for having children, that's great for them! So I don't understand why I get the negative connotations by not choosing to have children. And yes, as someone else mentioned, we are left out of a lot of things. So much in our society is geared towards families and parenting. Maybe we need to start a board for childless people BinFrog - yes I am doing what is best for me in my life. Isn't that what we're all supposed to do? I mean, isn't that the point of life? Like I said, if that's being selfish then I'm totally okay with that. But a person that wants children might say that they WILL fit their lifestyle - does that make them selfish then too? You know what I mean?

Really appreciate all the responses - thanks everyone for sharing your stories

Mamasan23

Who Princess wrote:

I took years of flack about this when I was younger. It was then known as "childless by choice." Words, shmords.

I used to hear a lot of lip service to the idea that we lived in a day and age when women could make that choice. But many people still seemed to make it their business to tell me what I should be doing. "Isn't it time for you to be getting pregnant?" "Why don't you have children?" "Do you have a fertility problem?" "Shouldn't you start trying in case you change your mind later?" My favorite, from a doctor I consulted for migraines, "You just need to get pregnant."

Were any of these people privy to the reasons my husband and I chose not to have children? Of course not. On the rare occasion that I tried to explain my reasoning, I would hear: "Oh, I don't thank that would be true! And I think you'd make a wonderful mother!" So when people asked, I just told them I didn't like children. End of conversation.

When I was 37, I had a procedure called endometrial ablation for female problems. It solves some problems but it also means you cannot get pregnant. After that, when people got nosy I just told them that I was unable to have children. Although I still a got a few "Have you considered adoption?" :roll:

Have I ever regretted it? Sometimes. Holding someone's sweet little baby, having conversations with my young nephews and niece, running into friends' teenage kids working at their summer jobs and trying to look grown up and responsible--sometimes I think it must be the must remarkable experience in the world to raise a child and watch as they grow and learn their place in the world. But there's a lot of hard work that goes along with that and don't think it would have been right for me to take on that role.

I went to graduate school with a woman that I very much admired. Incredibly smart, capable, fun, sensible. She had 6 kids, from junior high to college aged. She told me once, "If you want to be a mother, there all kinds of people in the world who need mothering. You don't have to have your own child to be a mother." That has always stayed with me. Excellent advice.

Wow. I'm sorry you went through all of that, but I totally understand. At the end of the day, it's nobody's business! That is a very personal decision, I hate that people feel the need to ask those types of questions.

rick1zoo2

many moons ago, got married, and immediately all the "when are you having a baby?" questions began. Then we had one, and immediately all the "when are you going to have another one?" started. People can be relentless. people suck

CAVSTARR313

rick1zoo2 wrote:

many moons ago, got married, and immediately all the "when are you having a baby?" questions began. Then we had one, and immediately all the "when are you going to have another one?" started. People can be relentless. people suck

Poor Lisa.. we cant even be near my one aunt without the "baby" shit being brought up..

We may do it one day. and if it happened unplanned, we would welcome it all for sure!!

but, Jesus lady! leave it alone!!

rick1zoo2

Caveeze wrote:

rick1zoo2 wrote:

many moons ago, got married, and immediately all the "when are you having a baby?" questions began. Then we had one, and immediately all the "when are you going to have another one?" started. People can be relentless. people suck

Poor Lisa.. we cant even be near my one aunt without the "baby" shit being brought up..

We may do it one day. and if it happened unplanned, we would welcome it all for sure!!

but, Jesus lady! leave it alone!!

and when I finally left the ex, everyone said: "what took you so long, how did you put up with her this long?" :fp:

CAVSTARR313

rick1zoo2 wrote:

Caveeze wrote:

rick1zoo2 wrote:

many moons ago, got married, and immediately all the "when are you having a baby?" questions began. Then we had one, and immediately all the "when are you going to have another one?" started. People can be relentless. people suck

Poor Lisa.. we cant even be near my one aunt without the "baby" shit being brought up..

We may do it one day. and if it happened unplanned, we would welcome it all for sure!!

but, Jesus lady! leave it alone!!

and when I finally left the ex, everyone said: "what took you so long, how did you put up with her this long?" :fp:

This is why I drink heavily at family functions

catefrances

all it took for me to become a mother was one drunken night.


no one should be made to feel guilty or selfish for a decision that affects ONLY them. its your body and your life.. do what you want with it and to hell with the critics. women are more than just their wombs and reproductive abilities. are men subjected to such scrutiny about their childlessness???? yeah didn't think so....

Mamasan23

catefrances wrote:

all it took for me to become a mother was one drunken night.


no one should be made to feel guilty or selfish for a decision that affects ONLY them. its your body and your life.. do what you want with it and to hell with the critics. women are more than just their wombs and reproductive abilities. are men subjected to such scrutiny about their childlessness???? yeah didn't think so....

You know, you bring up a really good point. The article touched on this a bit too, but it doesn't seem as though men get the same hassle that women do about this issue. No one ever asked my ex about it, except maybe his family. It was always me on the spot.

catefrances

Mamasan23 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

all it took for me to become a mother was one drunken night.


no one should be made to feel guilty or selfish for a decision that affects ONLY them. its your body and your life.. do what you want with it and to hell with the critics. women are more than just their wombs and reproductive abilities. are men subjected to such scrutiny about their childlessness???? yeah didn't think so....

You know, you bring up a really good point. The article touched on this a bit too, but it doesn't seem as though men get the same hassle that women do about this issue. No one ever asked my ex about it, except maybe his family. It was always me on the spot.

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

Mamasan23

catefrances wrote:

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

Oh crap Cate....we're out of the kitchen!!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

catefrances

Mamasan23 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

Oh crap Cate....we're out of the kitchen!!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

my kitchen is for dancing!!!

rick1zoo2

catefrances wrote:

Mamasan23 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

all it took for me to become a mother was one drunken night.


no one should be made to feel guilty or selfish for a decision that affects ONLY them. its your body and your life.. do what you want with it and to hell with the critics. women are more than just their wombs and reproductive abilities. are men subjected to such scrutiny about their childlessness???? yeah didn't think so....

You know, you bring up a really good point. The article touched on this a bit too, but it doesn't seem as though men get the same hassle that women do about this issue. No one ever asked my ex about it, except maybe his family. It was always me on the spot.

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

You are right, I mean I got harrassed plenty about having to do all kinds of things that were expected, but yeah, when it came to babies, I could just leave the room.

I tell my sons that there is no rush for marriage or kids, they can wait a long time for that, they need to live their own lives first and figure out how they want to live and be comfortable with themselves before committing to anyone else

gimmesometruth27

i get hassled about marriage all the time from my extended family.

can i help it that i am holding out for the perfect woman for me?

if i am gonna do it, i am only doing it once....

haven't ever been hassled about kids though.

catefrances

rick1zoo2 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

You are right, I mean I got harrassed plenty about having to do all kinds of things that were expected, but yeah, when it came to babies, I could just leave the room.

I tell my sons that there is no rush for marriage or kids, they can wait a long time for that, they need to live their own lives first and figure out how they want to live and be comfortable with themselves before committing to anyone else

im living my own life now though im still working through the HOW to live that life. and that's the beauty of the individual life....tho the destination for all of us is the same, the journey is our own and the path taken should always be of ones own choosing.

catefrances

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

i get hassled about marriage all the time from my extended family.

can i help it that i am holding out for the perfect woman for me?

if i am gonna do it, i am only doing it once....

haven't ever been hassled about kids though.

I remember one of the kids(probably zoe) coming home one day and telling me that one of her school friends told her that I cant be her mother cause im not married to her father. I assured her that not only was that a bullshit statement, i was her mother. as for my family(extended and immediate)... they know better than to ask stupid questions of me.

norm

catefrances wrote:

of course men don't get hassled about being childless. afterall.. its womens work.

first sane thing said in the thread! :P :wave:

Mamasan23

catefrances wrote:

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

i get hassled about marriage all the time from my extended family.

can i help it that i am holding out for the perfect woman for me?

if i am gonna do it, i am only doing it once....

haven't ever been hassled about kids though.

I remember one of the kids(probably zoe) coming home one day and telling me that one of her school friends told her that I cant be her mother cause im not married to her father. I assured her that not only was that a bullshit statement, i was her mother. as for my family(extended and immediate)... they know better than to ask stupid questions of me.

:shock: :shock: This exact same thing happened to me!! My mom and dad split right after my sister was born, they never married, and I never saw him again. So my mom puts us in Catholic school (that's a story for another day :fp: ) and I really got into it with another girl in my class because she said it was impossible for me to exist since my parents never married. I've never forgotten that!

catefrances

Mamasan23 wrote:

catefrances wrote:

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

i get hassled about marriage all the time from my extended family.

can i help it that i am holding out for the perfect woman for me?

if i am gonna do it, i am only doing it once....

haven't ever been hassled about kids though.

I remember one of the kids(probably zoe) coming home one day and telling me that one of her school friends told her that I cant be her mother cause im not married to her father. I assured her that not only was that a bullshit statement, i was her mother. as for my family(extended and immediate)... they know better than to ask stupid questions of me.

:shock: :shock: This exact same thing happened to me!! My mom and dad split right after my sister was born, they never married, and I never saw him again. So my mom puts us in Catholic school (that's a story for another day :fp: ) and I really got into it with another girl in my class because she said it was impossible for me to exist since my parents never married. I've never forgotten that!

makes you wonder what other garbage is clogging up their little heads.

norm

Mamasan23 wrote:

[I really got into it with another girl in my class because she said it was impossible for me to exist since my parents never married. I've never forgotten that!

she has an interesting definition of exist since by talking to you that pretty much proves your existence

norm

and you went to catholic school? :think: :corn: :wave: