I am depressed as f***.

FrankieG

SxDx1982 wrote:

I wish there was a drug that would make this all go away.

[...]

I know this has something to do with the fact that I was bullied for 9 years, and that I've always been "different". I can't relate to normal people. I can't work 9 to 5. I don't want to have kids. I don't want a house and a white picket fence. Or maybe I do, but I would probably paint graffiti on that damn thing. :roll:

Don't take this the wrong way... Im merely offering my advice.

Don't think that drugs can make you better. They probably can't, so if I were you I would try Yoga or something of that nature.

Don't make excuses for yourself man. You are who you are, don't sell yourself short. If you keep making excuses for yourself, it's just more reasons that you can justify staying in this rut. Why can't you keep a job? WHy can't you relate to people? You are obviously not satisfied with your life, so take that energy to change it for the better.

stargirl69

Let those feelings out with words,music,screaming,crying,laughing,colour,dance,walk ... anything rather than cutting your beautiful self.

We have all been there to a degree.This is a good safe place to be.

chadwick

stargirl69 wrote:

Let those feelings out with words,music,screaming,crying,laughing,colour,dance,walk ... anything rather than cutting your beautiful self.

We have all been there to a degree.This is a good safe place to be.

and this lady here is great.

btw, your poetry book is soon going in the mail. soon could be weeks away though. i am sorry for being so unorganized, baffled and lost :crazy:

in the pearl jam community friendships are made all over the world. this amazes me everyday. you have definitely found yourself amongst a great group of folks. although some here would not pee on me if i were on fire.....haha. just sayin. i guess i irritate some folks. (shoulder shrug)

maybe some people here can give you names of the depression medication they have had success with? then you can try it out for yourself. but seriously.... pills are bullshit. i eat pain meds like m&ms. i do not know a thing about depression meds.

SxDx1982

Hi again.
I'm beginning to think that I need to chance the way I see the world and myself, instead of trying to change who I am. I just don't know how. I almost got into a fight on the way back home, because some people had a problem with the way I look. I should have just let it go, but instead I turned around and yelled back at them.
I don't know why I'm so easily provoked. It's their loss if they can't accept people for who they are.
The good news is, I didn't drink too much.

PJ_Soul

SxDx1982 wrote:

Hi again.
I'm beginning to think that I need to chance the way I see the world and myself, instead of trying to change who I am. I just don't know how. I almost got into a fight on the way back home, because some people had a problem with the way I look. I should have just let it go, but instead I turned around and yelled back at them.
I don't know why I'm so easily provoked. It's their loss if they can't accept people for who they are.
The good news is, I didn't drink too much.

As someone else said, "fly your freak flag with pride". who cares what other people think?? Especially when it comes to how you look? ... I know, easier said than done. But just try and remember to be proud of different. It's what keeps life interesting. Those other people who don't appreciate the different are just BORING, and to me that's the worst thing in the whole world to be. Maybe next time just try smiling at them and take comfort in the knowledge that you're not boring.

DS1119

SxDx1982 wrote:

Hi again.
I'm beginning to think that I need to chance the way I see the world and myself, instead of trying to change who I am. I just don't know how. I almost got into a fight on the way back home, because some people had a problem with the way I look. I should have just let it go, but instead I turned around and yelled back at them.
I don't know why I'm so easily provoked. It's their loss if they can't accept people for who they are.
The good news is, I didn't drink too much.

Bullies only bully others because it makes THEM feel better about themselves. Ignore it and you can't fuel them. I know it's alot easier said then done but just realize each time when you don't respond to them it will actually anger them. You can actually anger them by being happy yourself. :thumbup:

dimitrispearljam

SxDx1982 wrote:

Hi again.
I'm beginning to think that I need to chance the way I see the world and myself, instead of trying to change who I am. I just don't know how. I almost got into a fight on the way back home, because some people had a problem with the way I look. I should have just let it go, but instead I turned around and yelled back at them.
I don't know why I'm so easily provoked. It's their loss if they can't accept people for who they are.
The good news is, I didn't drink too much.

its good you dont know how to do it...cos you gonna try...

Meg8686

i totally relate, it's been a tough week, and like you, thats why ive been on these forums.
i don't mind sharing, at 23 i realised I'd done nothing with my life. and i crashed... massively!!

The idea of trying to work out where you fit in the world isn't one worth debating, it's just tooooo overwhelming and can drive you crazy. When you don't feel in control of your own world, everythings going to feel too big and threatening. But it's all in the mind. you have talents, skills, things you tend to forget about when your feeling depressed and feel less able to cope with things. Depression gives you this warped perspective of yourself. Your actually really strong to be able to cope with this.

Im 27 now.. and feel like I'm only just on track, i stopped feeling the need to compete a long time ago, it's tough when some of my friends my age are doctors now but pah!! I needed the extra time lol. i never really shook my depression, it creeps back in different forms sometime.

During my whole depression I really enjoyed being outdoors, and not leaving the house, i spent a lot of time in the garden, I made that garden beautiful over 2 years, I study horticulture now I'm 2 years in and have studied 4 courses from beginner to pro and theres no stopping me. once you get started cheerleading on your own team it's difficult to stop & I think Ive found my calling, you'll find yours, the thing that evokes some passion and gives you a natural high, gives you energy.... cling to that with both hands. Theres no point working towards things that make you sad.

I know why your here Same as me. when i can't talk to my friends i turn inwards, and theres not much else in my inner circle other than pearl jam. These forums are full of all the things I love, lyrics, art, song meaning & PEOPLE!! Thats another secret weapon for depression, humans need contact, whether it be a stranger or a friend. We're all here for you if you need it

countonbothhands

I feel the same way you do. I am even doing the same things you are doing to yourself. Would you like to talk off of this post? If you would like to contact me and we could just vent to each other, my email is: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:johnson-points@comcast.net">johnson-points@comcast.net</a><!-- e -->. Don't feel like you have to, I just wanted you to know I am a fuck up as well and don't have a job and can't take on a creative project. I hurt myself and take pills to numb myself. So now you know you are not the only one. Stay safe.........Dawn

marcos

I think sometimes the key is realizing the pain you felt and more importantly giving yourself credit for having lived through those dark days, almost like a war survivor's mentality; depression is a battle and the fact that you've survived it before makes you even stronger now.

loolooloo

So many words of wisdom and thoughtfulness already; I just wanted to offer some AET hugs. Depression is a terrible, terrible disease. Thankfully, I've seen those who were at the lowest of their lows climb back into the light.

You CAN do it.

And one morning you'll wake up and see the world through new eyes- you'll realize that the magnificence of simply being able to take a breath on your own accord may just be enough to get you out of bed that day. And you'll smile, knowing that all you have been through has given you a wealth of knowledge and experience. You'll find your niche, you'll find your purpose.

Don't ever give up.

Byrnzie

SxDx1982 wrote:

I can't relate to normal people. I can't work 9 to 5. I don't want to have kids. I don't want a house and a white picket fence.'

Actually, that sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Nothing wrong with that my friend.


As The Prodigy once put it: "Fuck 'em and their law".


Do you live in Helsinki? I know it's cold and dark up there for about 6 months of the year, but their's a cool social scene there - loads of good bars and gigs every night of the week. Also you have The Leningrad Cowboys :P

Constant Recoil...

I'm a little late, but I just want to join in with what everybody else is saying.

All the cliches out there (you can do it, it will get better, just hold on) well they are cliches because they are true. Just remember "No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead"

When I was there, I turned to music. Riot Act was the first album I had and Thumbing My Way felt like my anthem. It was a down mood, and there were lines in there that felt hopeless--- "I can't be free with what's locked inside of me" and, "I let go of a rope, thinking that's what held me back And in time i've realized, it's now wrapped around my neck" and " I smile but who am I kidding"
But then there is..
"I can't see what's next, from this lonely overpass"--and that is 100% true. Tomorrow or the next day or the next day you may wake up look outside and be completely happy for no reason, but just because.
The next line is one of my favorites---"Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past" Also "I'm just walking the miles, every once in a while i'll get a ride" --- To me those are just saying you just have to keep moving, no matter what, you just keep taking steps in the right direction.

I know nothing...it really helped me though...I must have listened to this song 1000s of times then...it means more to me than almost any other...Hope
The song ends in way that to me is just keep moving, keep walking, I'll get there eventually...

Thoughts_Arrive

If it wasn't for music I do not know how bad I'd be now.
If the meds don't work go see your professional again.
All the best.

SD48277

Put on some music (preferably PJ).
Turn it up.
Turn it up loud.
Turn it up so loud that it blocks everything else in your head.
After a while, go outside and take a walk.
Repeat as necessary.

chadwick

Byrnzie wrote:

SxDx1982 wrote:

I can't relate to normal people. I can't work 9 to 5. I don't want to have kids. I don't want a house and a white picket fence.'

Actually, that sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Nothing wrong with that my friend.


As The Prodigy once put it: "Fuck 'em and their law".


Do you live in Helsinki? I know it's cold and dark up there for about 6 months of the year, but their's a cool social scene there - loads of good bars and gigs every night of the week. Also you have The Leningrad Cowboys :P

wow. nice hair, fuckers... those dudes are rad, man!
here they are doin stairway to heaven in Helsinki @ senate square.
http://youtu.be/QxzItqgWMDQ

ya learn something everyday...never ever heard of these dudes before. thank you sir, byrnzie

http://youtu.be/ZGsUfImawKo
:shock: neil? that you on stilts?

gimmesometruth27

wow, i've been there too. i had a pretty long battle with depression after a very traumatic relationship a couple of years ago. ironically enough with someone i met through this website....turns out she was manipulative, bullying, she woudl threaten suicide and would punch herself in the head, she would rage at me for no reason for even the smallest perceived slight, she would create drama and fights for no reason. i spent 15 months walkingon eggshells in order not to provoke any of this stuff. worst of all, and she cheated on me with several people. she actually carried on separate lives and affairs at the same time. this was a long distance relationship so she was free to do all of this stuff without me knowing it. she tore through my life like a tornado and left it in a heap of destruction.

after we split i was completely devastated. i went to counseling and talked all of it out, and i eventually ended up on meds, and the combination of the 2 really helped me. one without the other would not have done anything for me. i am down to talking with my counselor once a month and am starting to ramp down and taper off of my meds. i will be off of them in a month. i still have maybe 3 hours total a week where i feel like crap, but that sure as hell beats the 15 hours a day where i felt like crap....everybody must remember that if you take the appropriate steps, it does get better. i am living proof that it does get better.

the most important thing for the OP is to get an accurate diagnosis. i foud out later on that my g/f, who had told me early on that she suffers from "depression" actually suffered from borderline personality disorder, and those can be very difficult and very painful to try to deal with. i knew nothing about any of this stuff before that relationship and have learned a lot as a result of it. i was doing all of the same things, drinking to get obliterated, eating compulsively, getting in fights, alienating my friends and family, writing suicide letters and thinking about how i was gonna do it, i actually even checked my life insurance policy to make sure that it would pay my beneficiaries...and to my surprised IT WOULD HAVE PAID, so knowing that info, that did nothing to help keep me here.., i was basically not giving a fuck about anything, most of all me....i would take unnecessary risks like drink and drive and i would act without considering the effects or outcome of my actions. not just for me, but the effects on other people and strangers. once i started counseling and then a few months later the meds, all of that seemed to go away. i am over all of that stuff now. i am recovered.

all relationships affect us in some ways. the relationships with our parents, friends, g/f or b/f, they all shape us is some way. they either cause or contribute to underlying mental issues that we might have. i can guarantee that the bullying helped lead to where you are right now. i was bullied for a few years in elementary and middle school and it led directly to the confidence issues and social awkwardness that i had. i came from a family that did not really show much affection for one another. when people jokingly say "maybe your dad didn't hug you enough as a child" or "maybe your mom didn't love you enough" etc etc and out of that i never really learned how to show affection or express my feelings appropriately. that led to many failed relationships because when things would go bad i would just bottle everything up and hope it got better. i did not realize that that is the completely wrong way of doing things.there are elements of truth in all of that stuff about family experiences and it can really fuck us up as we grow up. i had huge confidence issues. i am in a band and we used to play 6 or 7 shows a month and i would get so much anxiety and so scared before going on stage that i would have to drink 5 or 6 drinks to get me to even step out on the stage. granted we were playing to crowds of 500 or so per show, so that is enough to make anyone nervous. but mine was crippling. before i knew it i was oblitterated at the end of every show. i never really enjoyed playing because of my anxiety. then one night after being in counseling for a few months i decided "i am gonna go out there, not drink, and actually enjoy doing this....." and i did. sure i could not relax or face the crowd and my left hand fingers did not want to work the first five songs or so, but the longer i was out there the better it got. i actually could feel the sound coming from our amps. i could see and hear the crowd response. i could feel the vibration from the kickdrum hitting me in my back. i could see the people smiling, dancing, singing along, i could see the women checking me out. all of tha tstuff i never really experienced before. i have not had a drop of alcohol at a show since then, and that was in january 2011. i could never go back to getting shitfaced at a show again. there are so many shows where we used to get "lose our minds" drunk that i wish i could go back and experience and remember. but i guess going forward i am going to remember everything from now on...

the focus of your therapy is probably going to start on your immediate family history and branch out from there. my counselor gave me some books to read and gave me some things to work on so that when i find myself in similar situations as how things were i can handle them appropriately. just take whatever advice the counselor gives you and apply it. getting better is not a magical thing. it takes time and it takes effort and a conscious decision that you are not going to let this shit defeat you.

things get better with appropriate action. i am proof of that.

gimmesometruth27

by the way, the jason ellis show on faction on satellite radio talks a lot about this website. the guy that does this site is credited with saving ellismate's life. the site looks kind of hokey, but i have heard that there is some great stuff on there and it has really helped a lot of people....

http://toolstolife.com/


good luck!

pandora

SxDx1982 wrote:

Hi again.
I'm beginning to think that I need to chance the way I see the world and myself, instead of trying to change who I am. I just don't know how. I almost got into a fight on the way back home, because some people had a problem with the way I look. I should have just let it go, but instead I turned around and yelled back at them.
I don't know why I'm so easily provoked. It's their loss if they can't accept people for who they are.
The good news is, I didn't drink too much.

I think most people don't take insults well and would perhaps strike back verbally also.

You are hard on yourself I think. When I was young I was a lot harder on my self than I am now.
When you enter old age an acceptance of who you are is the plus. There is a lot of peace
that comes just from this.

I have many young men in my life right about your age. Those who have passed through
into their 30's now also went through some pretty tough times right about 27-30.

My mama always said ... "this as all things shall pass"

I'm not making light but this perspective really has helped me and I have found
it to be true.

Go easy on yourself, try to enjoy ... glad you are seeking help

and remember about how wonderful it is to be needed... doing something nice for someone else
truly raises spirits all around.

Take good care and know you are worth all the love you receive and it is yours to keep

Byrnzie

chadwick wrote:

wow. nice hair, fuckers... those dudes are rad, man!
here they are doin stairway to heaven in Helsinki @ senate square.
http://youtu.be/QxzItqgWMDQ

ya learn something everyday...never ever heard of these dudes before. thank you sir, byrnzie

http://youtu.be/ZGsUfImawKo
:shock: neil? that you on stilts?[/quote]

I saw them play in London in about 2002. They're funny fuckers - used to have their own themed-restaurant in Helsinki too.