I am depressed as f***.

SxDx1982

I hate to complain because things could be so much worse. It's just that depression's kicking my ass lately. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going over the edge. I know I'm a fuck-up, I can't keep a job, and regardless of the fact that I'm pretty smart, I can't focus on studying anything either. I've also resorted to cutting myself and abusing prescription drugs again. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. I wish there was a drug that would make this all go away. I've tried several anti-depressants and they only made me feel worse.

I am so fucked it is beyond comprehension. I know I should be doing something with my life, but I can't. And when I try to do something creative, my mind goes blank. I feel so old and I'm "only" 29. Is there really no hope for me? Am I destined to feel like this for the rest of my life? I feel like I'm drowning.

I know this has something to do with the fact that I was bullied for 9 years, and that I've always been "different". I can't relate to normal people. I can't work 9 to 5. I don't want to have kids. I don't want a house and a white picket fence. Or maybe I do, but I would probably paint graffiti on that damn thing. :roll:

Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just needed to get this out of my system. My friends have their own lives and own problems and I don't want them to worry about me any more than they already do.

Sprunkn7

mmmm..being different can be a curse. Try not to hurt yourself or anyone else and follow your heart. Leave the past behind, don't listen to negative things people say to or about you and be your true self.
There is a beauty to your life. I hope you can fight your way through this terrible time and find it.

Hugs to you...

DS1119

You always have friends to talk with here and no one here judges you. Thank you for your post of how you feel. I'm not sure anything that gets posted will be an answer but hurting yourself is never the answer. Everyone's life is precious and special. You will find your niche and you will excel at it. You can't judge yourself from your perceptions of how you think others perceive you. No matter how screwed up I think I am, I always remember that everyone else is just as fucked up as me. Hang your head high and do your thing.

Loulou

I'm sorry to hear this. Talking it out always helped me and we are always here to listen. Wishing you the very best my friend.

ogey38

Truly this board can be a huge place to vent. I've done it myself...don't ever be afraid to post your feelings. There are so many gracious, understanding and compassionate people here - you'll get to know that.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Attaway77

You have one life, live it and enjoy everything in-between it.... We're all fkd up every once in awhile, from the rich to the poor we're all just here dealing with our own shit. Love your life while you got it and enjoy all the madness and love fkd up and lost ways one human being can go that makes life so great, cause I know a few in the grave who would trade ya in a heartbeat... (this is by no means to be a dick, trust me friend, just me being me) Life is beautiful... Love yours for what it is cause nobody else will.....

SD48277

I don't know if I can add anything to what has already been said, but please hang in there. It may not seem like it, but things do get better. Being different is okay. You will find, I hope, that it is a much better alternative to what some people consider normal. I know I have. Feel free to pm me if you want.

Mookie Blaylock77

DS1119 wrote:

You always have friends to talk with here and no one here judges you. Thank you for your post of how you feel. I'm not sure anything that gets posted will be an answer but hurting yourself is never the answer. Everyone's life is precious and special. You will find your niche and you will excel at it. You can't judge yourself from your perceptions of how you think others perceive you. No matter how screwed up I think I am, I always remember that everyone else is just as fucked up as me. Hang your head high and do your thing.

Nice words there...

I can only say that you must talk to your family/close friends...That helps lots.
You are a grown man that will find a way. There is always a way dude . Be strong and believe in Yourself.

Take care man.

-Emma-

Hope things get better for you!

Are your family in your life and are they supportive? If your family aren't in your life, then please reach out to your friends.

I'm not sure how things work in Finland, but could you go and get a referral from your GP to see a counsellor or other professional to get some help?

mickeyrat

Let it out man. vent as much as you need to.

If you dont mind, have you kept up with professional help? I may be assuming , but since you've been on anti-depressants I figured they were at the direction of a doctor.

I am a member of alcoholics anonymous. What I found there were people who understand what it is like to be me. I also found acceptance of who and what I am.

If I may suggest, research if there are any support groups similar to AA you might be able to find sympathetic understanding people to speak with.

Barring that , you have a group of peple here from all walks of life with all sorts of experience to connect with. We're open, accepting and a bit off our rockers. we like to have fun. Especially on this forum.

Cant say I would be able to actually help, but I'm willing to try. PM if you wish.

joe2317

First off, you've taken a big step forward by putting this out there in the open. I think one of the biggest things to realize right now is that you are not alone. I have firsthand experience with something very similar to what you speak of. Someone very close to me has been through an absolutely TERRIBLE bout with depression. After all my (our) experience, I feel compelled to say this: seek professional help as soon as possible. Don't go to a general physician either, they will just give you antidepressants and that is not the answer. Go see a specialist and take a very holistic approach to this. It takes a great deal of time and effort to start to feel better. You need to get the right kind of help- specialized help. PLEASE don't take this a sanctimonious advice, I'm only trying to help you out because I'm concerned for you. I hate to hear of you struggling this way- especially with the cutting. You CAN get through this and you ARE worth the time and effort. Peace.

conman

i don't have much to say but i do have experience with depression, i'm no professional but i'm willing to help.. feel free to pm me if you ever just need to talk to someone

drinkbigredinstead

I know how smothering depression can be. I hope you feel better soon.

CP218430

This can all get ugly. We get desperate and you did the right thing; went somewhere to get it out. We've all got what seem like impenetrable ups and downs, just never forget to reach out to remember a lot of us feel the same way. And all that means is that we're here.

green mountain man

It is critically important that you seek immediate psyciatric care.
You have been open and have revealed some issues which warrant a definitive diagnosis.
Do not worry about the stigma associated with mental illness.The body is a whole of which the brain is a part.
Low self esteem, depression, self harm, and drug abuse are symptoms that fall under an umbrella of various mental illnesses.
Educate yourself about these problems , seek professional help, and be an active participant in the treatment programs.
I hope that you can overcome this

mookieb10

I hope something helps... Live life well.

Enkidu

Depression really sucks, I've been there. Different things work for different people - I have friends who have had great great success with medication. Medication did nothing for me, but therapy did. I was shocked at how much better it made me feel (not instantly of course) to talk to someone I didn't know about all the things I was feeling.

Like other people have said, posting here is good. Letting it out is good. Don't keep it inside, that's when it gets super insidious. And know you're not alone. People (friends, family, us forum folk, professionals) are here to help.

Good luck and hang in there.

number1PJfan

You should definitely be proud of who you are and the choices you have made for your life. It is your life, live it for you. If you can let go of the pressures of trying to please everyone else (the house,kids,picket fence) it will make your life so much happier. It did mine. You can start living for you. Hang in there buddy.

PJaddicted

rollings

PJaddicted wrote:

you know, seeing this, it suddenly makes sense.

If a person is sad, its usually because they are thinking about the past. and thus are missing the present.

huh! thank you.

DS1119

PJaddicted wrote:

I have never heard that quote before and to say the least it's awesome.