I am depressed as f***.

SxDx1982

I hate to complain because things could be so much worse. It's just that depression's kicking my ass lately. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going over the edge. I know I'm a fuck-up, I can't keep a job, and regardless of the fact that I'm pretty smart, I can't focus on studying anything either. I've also resorted to cutting myself and abusing prescription drugs again. I used to do that a lot when I was younger. I wish there was a drug that would make this all go away. I've tried several anti-depressants and they only made me feel worse.

I am so fucked it is beyond comprehension. I know I should be doing something with my life, but I can't. And when I try to do something creative, my mind goes blank. I feel so old and I'm "only" 29. Is there really no hope for me? Am I destined to feel like this for the rest of my life? I feel like I'm drowning.

I know this has something to do with the fact that I was bullied for 9 years, and that I've always been "different". I can't relate to normal people. I can't work 9 to 5. I don't want to have kids. I don't want a house and a white picket fence. Or maybe I do, but I would probably paint graffiti on that damn thing. :roll:

Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy, I just needed to get this out of my system. My friends have their own lives and own problems and I don't want them to worry about me any more than they already do.

Sprunkn7

mmmm..being different can be a curse. Try not to hurt yourself or anyone else and follow your heart. Leave the past behind, don't listen to negative things people say to or about you and be your true self.
There is a beauty to your life. I hope you can fight your way through this terrible time and find it.

Hugs to you...

DS1119

You always have friends to talk with here and no one here judges you. Thank you for your post of how you feel. I'm not sure anything that gets posted will be an answer but hurting yourself is never the answer. Everyone's life is precious and special. You will find your niche and you will excel at it. You can't judge yourself from your perceptions of how you think others perceive you. No matter how screwed up I think I am, I always remember that everyone else is just as fucked up as me. Hang your head high and do your thing.

Loulou

I'm sorry to hear this. Talking it out always helped me and we are always here to listen. Wishing you the very best my friend.

ogey38

Truly this board can be a huge place to vent. I've done it myself...don't ever be afraid to post your feelings. There are so many gracious, understanding and compassionate people here - you'll get to know that.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Attaway77

You have one life, live it and enjoy everything in-between it.... We're all fkd up every once in awhile, from the rich to the poor we're all just here dealing with our own shit. Love your life while you got it and enjoy all the madness and love fkd up and lost ways one human being can go that makes life so great, cause I know a few in the grave who would trade ya in a heartbeat... (this is by no means to be a dick, trust me friend, just me being me) Life is beautiful... Love yours for what it is cause nobody else will.....

SD48277

I don't know if I can add anything to what has already been said, but please hang in there. It may not seem like it, but things do get better. Being different is okay. You will find, I hope, that it is a much better alternative to what some people consider normal. I know I have. Feel free to pm me if you want.

Mookie Blaylock77

DS1119 wrote:

You always have friends to talk with here and no one here judges you. Thank you for your post of how you feel. I'm not sure anything that gets posted will be an answer but hurting yourself is never the answer. Everyone's life is precious and special. You will find your niche and you will excel at it. You can't judge yourself from your perceptions of how you think others perceive you. No matter how screwed up I think I am, I always remember that everyone else is just as fucked up as me. Hang your head high and do your thing.

Nice words there...

I can only say that you must talk to your family/close friends...That helps lots.
You are a grown man that will find a way. There is always a way dude . Be strong and believe in Yourself.

Take care man.

-Emma-

Hope things get better for you!

Are your family in your life and are they supportive? If your family aren't in your life, then please reach out to your friends.

I'm not sure how things work in Finland, but could you go and get a referral from your GP to see a counsellor or other professional to get some help?

mickeyrat

Let it out man. vent as much as you need to.

If you dont mind, have you kept up with professional help? I may be assuming , but since you've been on anti-depressants I figured they were at the direction of a doctor.

I am a member of alcoholics anonymous. What I found there were people who understand what it is like to be me. I also found acceptance of who and what I am.

If I may suggest, research if there are any support groups similar to AA you might be able to find sympathetic understanding people to speak with.

Barring that , you have a group of peple here from all walks of life with all sorts of experience to connect with. We're open, accepting and a bit off our rockers. we like to have fun. Especially on this forum.

Cant say I would be able to actually help, but I'm willing to try. PM if you wish.

joe2317

First off, you've taken a big step forward by putting this out there in the open. I think one of the biggest things to realize right now is that you are not alone. I have firsthand experience with something very similar to what you speak of. Someone very close to me has been through an absolutely TERRIBLE bout with depression. After all my (our) experience, I feel compelled to say this: seek professional help as soon as possible. Don't go to a general physician either, they will just give you antidepressants and that is not the answer. Go see a specialist and take a very holistic approach to this. It takes a great deal of time and effort to start to feel better. You need to get the right kind of help- specialized help. PLEASE don't take this a sanctimonious advice, I'm only trying to help you out because I'm concerned for you. I hate to hear of you struggling this way- especially with the cutting. You CAN get through this and you ARE worth the time and effort. Peace.

conman

i don't have much to say but i do have experience with depression, i'm no professional but i'm willing to help.. feel free to pm me if you ever just need to talk to someone

drinkbigredinstead

I know how smothering depression can be. I hope you feel better soon.

CP218430

This can all get ugly. We get desperate and you did the right thing; went somewhere to get it out. We've all got what seem like impenetrable ups and downs, just never forget to reach out to remember a lot of us feel the same way. And all that means is that we're here.

green mountain man

It is critically important that you seek immediate psyciatric care.
You have been open and have revealed some issues which warrant a definitive diagnosis.
Do not worry about the stigma associated with mental illness.The body is a whole of which the brain is a part.
Low self esteem, depression, self harm, and drug abuse are symptoms that fall under an umbrella of various mental illnesses.
Educate yourself about these problems , seek professional help, and be an active participant in the treatment programs.
I hope that you can overcome this

mookieb10

I hope something helps... Live life well.

Enkidu

Depression really sucks, I've been there. Different things work for different people - I have friends who have had great great success with medication. Medication did nothing for me, but therapy did. I was shocked at how much better it made me feel (not instantly of course) to talk to someone I didn't know about all the things I was feeling.

Like other people have said, posting here is good. Letting it out is good. Don't keep it inside, that's when it gets super insidious. And know you're not alone. People (friends, family, us forum folk, professionals) are here to help.

Good luck and hang in there.

number1PJfan

You should definitely be proud of who you are and the choices you have made for your life. It is your life, live it for you. If you can let go of the pressures of trying to please everyone else (the house,kids,picket fence) it will make your life so much happier. It did mine. You can start living for you. Hang in there buddy.

PJaddicted

rollings

PJaddicted wrote:

you know, seeing this, it suddenly makes sense.

If a person is sad, its usually because they are thinking about the past. and thus are missing the present.

huh! thank you.

DS1119

PJaddicted wrote:

I have never heard that quote before and to say the least it's awesome.

Sugar-Magnolia

You are not alone. Many people suffer silently; you are brave to share your life. When time wasted is time enjoyed, then it is not wasted. Your time here is yours to do what brings you happiness and health. If you ever need to talk, vent, whatever, feel free to reach out to me.

12345AGNST1

PJaddicted wrote:

yea but that also can equate to laziness. I dont have a job? fuckit! who cares! Im watching a cosby marathon today!

I would know because I'm there right now! :oops:

Its a great saying if applied right. I mean hell, That pretty much is my life metaphor. I always try to live my day to the fullest especially lately. You cant get wrapped up in negativity, or anxiousness of your scared future. It only ruins the process even more.

To the OP, just do what you LOVE, and say a giant fuck you to all who disagree to it. For me its as simple as dirving my car windows down, music blasting... or playing the drums when I can. The more you start doing the things you love, the more the things you dont necessarily like start becoming better to deal with. I came to conclusion that you're not living live if you're not happy. The whole point of life is to be happy, no matter what.

You dont NEED to be a millionaire, you dont NEED that hot blonde( although it doesnt hurt ). Its only shitty false perception. As long as you're HAPPY, thats all that should matter.

pandora

Being young especially twenty's to mid thirty's is so very difficult.

My own experiences and watching the young people close to me grow
I can't get away from the is this all there is feeling some share.

Life is tough and it can be a disillusioning time,
especially without clear goals to work towards. Goals give hope to the future
and keep one busy with a feeling of accomplishment.

In this age group, choices made that hinder growing and achieving success
begin to make failure an ominous figure looming. It appears others can be
passing one by, just making one's own life feel even more unfulfilling.

I know depression when serious is more than this, it is a disease,
but it strangely does not feel physical, it feels all in the head.

To complicate this or go hand in hand is the glass half empty.
The glass half empty in my opinion is an outlook we are born
with or learned early on from our parents. It also effects self esteem
and achievement, and really just what we appreciate from life...
if we can find peace and acceptance in life.

You are not alone in how you feel nor where you are in life.
Finding a group therapy, finding a good doctor, finding the right medication,
finding supportive people who have made it through will help you,
it is the first step.
To get your body right, then your mind can be right.
Then you can work on outlook and setting goals that you can achieve.

Please do not abuse prescription medicines, this will totally fuck
with your mind and body and you can not get well.

Lastly and this is not right for everyone, I do not presume it is right for you
but for me at my darkest lowest point when I was 37, after more than
contemplating suicide, I decided to stay in this world for my young children,
though I longed to be released.
To this point in my life I was an atheist but I asked for a miracle to just show me
thats all.
3 years later the phenomenon that happened, changed me and my life forever.
It showed me indeed there is life after death, that we have a path and a reason for being
here and living whatever we face. It gave me more than faith it gave me hope.
And without hope life really isn't worth living.

Please seek the help and support you need, walk your path, grow old, it can get easier,
take it from this old lady...
stop ... smell the roses and love and most of all be needed
that is what makes a life full.

81

hookers and blow always seem to cheer me up.

beyond humor, i can't help being agreeing that a professional should be consulted asap. we can't fix everything ourself. accept that and seek out a pro.

best luck

chadwick

then if you believe you are the graffiti picket fence type, please do so. art is a feel good time. art will consume you. i suggest trying your idea. if you have a yard, put up this fence you spoke of. if you do not have a yard paint the fence covered in graffiti on your walls.

also, i suggest swimming, walking, lifting weights. if you can run/jog, please do so. and do it until you can't take it anymore, until exhausted.

i am no dr. but i would also like to suggest no caffeine and only healthy foods and drink. no booze, no caffeine and things like this. and go outside as much as you can.

can you write poetry? poetry has saved my life and continues to do so. if i did not write creatively i would be up a creek in deep trouble. why you may ask? because i get shit out of me. it builds up and i can't take it anymore. i feel useless if i do not write daily.

i have been pretty depressed before. i have never cut myself but i have abused drugs and alcohol. i have never felt so great in all my life as i have when i gave up hard drugs and alcohol. i believe the alcohol made me more depressed deep down than i was happy. i became a drunkard as a young teenager. this totally ruined my life for many years. again, art saved me.

art has saved my life more times than i can count.

please try and paint, write, draw, do anything creative. it will help you. i hope it saves you. this is how women are to me as well. they save me. i write poetry, women appear. i couldn't ask for a better life than to have great women by my side.

send me a pm if you ever want to shoot the breeze.

Who Princess

Years ago I happened to see this magnet in a store. It just spoke to how I was feeling at the time:



I keep it on my refrigerator to remind me that I've gotten through other bad times and I will get through whatever comes my way.

Much good advice in this thread. Professional help is essential. Physical activity can be a big boost. Get out of the house at least once a day, even when you don't feel like it. Be around other people even when you just want to be alone. Do little favors for yourself. A cup of coffee and a good book are simple treats that I enjoy.

Another quote I think of often comes from Hemingway:

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.

Please do not harm yourself. You may not realize it but there are people who care about you and want you to remain in this world.

JzP

Love the Lao-tzu quote. I found the Tao very helpful when I have been feeling blue.

[/quote]
To the OP, just do what you LOVE, and say a giant fuck you to all who disagree to it. For me its as simple as dirving my car windows down, music blasting... or playing the drums when I can. The more you start doing the things you love, the more the things you dont necessarily like start becoming better to deal with. I came to conclusion that you're not living live if you're not happy. The whole point of life is to be happy, no matter what.

[/quote]

Find what makes you real. Something you love and Dive in brother!
Please pm me if you need it.

PJaddicted

What heals my soul every time through this journey called life is to get out into....NATURE. No matter what is going on in my life, being in the great outdoors helps to center me and gives my brain room to figure out what I need to do next with my problems. Put your face in the sun, breath fresh clean air, listen to the quiet sounds of the natural world and move your body....repeat this prescription as often as you possibly can. Head out at night and look up at the stars realize you are not alone. Each time you connect with our natural world you will come back with some answers and peace of mind as well.

chadwick

PJaddicted wrote:

What heals my soul every time through this journey called life is to get out into....NATURE. No matter what is going on in my life, being in the great outdoors helps to center me and gives my brain room to figure out what I need to do next with my problems. Put your face in the sun, breath fresh clean air, listen to the quiet sounds of the natural world and move your body....repeat this prescription as often as you possibly can. Head out at night and look up at the stars realize you are not alone. Each time you connect with our natural world you will come back with some answers and peace of mind as well.

very nice suggestions. our natural world is best, nothing better.

dcfaithful

There is some great input in this thread, and I really can't add much else to it. But I would like to reiterate what has been said about coming on here to express yourself. This is a great place, with great people who are accepting, and also not afraid to give you honest, unbiased advice/feedback.

Your peace is there. Stay strong in the quest for it, you will be grateful you did.