Disowning Family

comebackgirl

RKCNDY wrote:

What about forgetting? What if you just forget about the person and all the bad things they said or did to you? Then there is nothing left to forgive,...

I'm not talking about forgiving the behavior, just letting go of the anger and not letting that person have power over you anymore. I think making a conscious decision not to let someone's treatment of you impact you in the here and now or impact your present life fits with that idea.

PJ_Soul

comebackgirl wrote:

RKCNDY wrote:

What about forgetting? What if you just forget about the person and all the bad things they said or did to you? Then there is nothing left to forgive,...

I'm not talking about forgiving the behavior, just letting go of the anger and not letting that person have power over you anymore. I think making a conscious decision not to let someone's treatment of you impact you in the here and now or impact your present life fits with that idea.

If someone is able to do that, fabulous. Not everyone can (depends on disposition), but the less one is reminded the better of course, and certainly never laying eyes on or speaking to the abuser again helps!

comebackgirl

PJ_Soul wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

RKCNDY wrote:

What about forgetting? What if you just forget about the person and all the bad things they said or did to you? Then there is nothing left to forgive,...

I'm not talking about forgiving the behavior, just letting go of the anger and not letting that person have power over you anymore. I think making a conscious decision not to let someone's treatment of you impact you in the here and now or impact your present life fits with that idea.

If someone is able to do that, fabulous. Not everyone can (depends on disposition), but the less one is reminded the better of course, and certainly never laying eyes on or speaking to the abuser again helps!

Absolutely. I don't think reconciliation is possible or a good idea in a lot of situations. In some situations it may be, but often it's best just to have distance from an unhealthy person (especially if they are still unhealthy)! I've witnessed so many people thrive past their abuse...even though it's something they wish they never had to endure, they've turned it into a strength and determined the impact it's going to have on them. It takes a lot of support, strength and hard work, but it's very cool when that happens.

RKCNDY

comebackgirl wrote:

Absolutely. I don't think reconciliation is possible or a good idea in a lot of situations. In some situations it may be, but often it's best just to have distance from an unhealthy person (especially if they are still unhealthy)! I've witnessed so many people thrive past their abuse...even though it's something they wish they never had to endure, they've turned it into a strength and determined the impact it's going to have on them. It takes a lot of support, strength and hard work, but it's very cool when that happens.

Do abusers ever realize their effect on others? I mean, if one no longer associates with the abuser, does the abuser ever realize, "wow, I must have really hurt the other person, I need to change"? Or do abusers just have the one track mind where they just keep going about their life and think "what's wrong with them? I wonder why they don't talk to me anymore?"

PJ_Soul

RKCNDY wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

Absolutely. I don't think reconciliation is possible or a good idea in a lot of situations. In some situations it may be, but often it's best just to have distance from an unhealthy person (especially if they are still unhealthy)! I've witnessed so many people thrive past their abuse...even though it's something they wish they never had to endure, they've turned it into a strength and determined the impact it's going to have on them. It takes a lot of support, strength and hard work, but it's very cool when that happens.

Do abusers ever realize their effect on others? I mean, if one no longer associates with the abuser, does the abuser ever realize, "wow, I must have really hurt the other person, I need to change"? Or do abusers just have the one track mind where they just keep going about their life and think "what's wrong with them? I wonder why they don't talk to me anymore?"

Abusers seem to be pretty fucked up. I can't claim to understand them, but from what I've heard, they are usually afflicted with an intense case of self-involvement, and usually only think of things in terms of how they affect themselves rather than the people around them.

comebackgirl

RKCNDY wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

Absolutely. I don't think reconciliation is possible or a good idea in a lot of situations. In some situations it may be, but often it's best just to have distance from an unhealthy person (especially if they are still unhealthy)! I've witnessed so many people thrive past their abuse...even though it's something they wish they never had to endure, they've turned it into a strength and determined the impact it's going to have on them. It takes a lot of support, strength and hard work, but it's very cool when that happens.

Do abusers ever realize their effect on others? I mean, if one no longer associates with the abuser, does the abuser ever realize, "wow, I must have really hurt the other person, I need to change"? Or do abusers just have the one track mind where they just keep going about their life and think "what's wrong with them? I wonder why they don't talk to me anymore?"

There usually has to be a fair bit of narcissism going on to consistently abuse someone in the first place. I think some do realize, but might feel such shame or be so deeply wounded themselves that they can't look at it. I have had a few people come in for therapy because they realize something is wrong and they want to change it, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of pain for that to happen. Others are so stuck on blaming their behavior on other people that they will never see it. They'll repeat the same pattern with different people over and over again...the only common denominator being themselves...and they still won't see it.

pandora

Forgive what is done to us but never forget...

forgiving was the only way to heal for me,truly heal
it's weight lifted from my heart, there is no hurt, no hate, just peace.

the saying ... "forgive for they know not what they do" is truth.
Sometimes I think it is the only truth we were given.

They have no idea the depths of what they do and neither do you or I.

Forgiving is inevitable, knowing is inevitable, freedom is inevitable, justice is inevitable.
For me I know one day we will all face our own hearts that will be punishment enough,
I want mine to be as light as possible now and then.

chadwick

RKCNDY wrote:

Do abusers ever realize their effect on others? I mean, if one no longer associates with the abuser, does the abuser ever realize, "wow, I must have really hurt the other person, I need to change"? Or do abusers just have the one track mind where they just keep going about their life and think "what's wrong with them? I wonder why they don't talk to me anymore?"

abusers are fucked in the head and do not give a shit about your feelings. it is a sickness inside of a monster, the monster being the sickness. something like this

chadwick

pandora wrote:

Forgive what is done to us but never forget...

forgiving was the only way to heal for me,truly heal
it's weight lifted from my heart, there is no hurt, no hate, just peace.

the saying ... "forgive for they know not what they do" is truth.
Sometimes I think it is the only truth we were given.

They have no idea the depths of what they do and neither do you or I.

Forgiving is inevitable, knowing is inevitable, freedom is inevitable, justice is inevitable.
For me I know one day we will all face our own hearts that will be punishment enough,
I want mine to be as light as possible now and then.

my vote is to just forget the abuser exists. no family christmas meals and gift time, none. no thanksgiving get togethers, zip. no give a shits, no nothing. if i were abused i'd grow up and forget my abuser ever even existed. i would not forgive them for molesting me,,,(let's just use molesting as the example) (i was not molested, btw)

if i were molested by someone when i was growing up, they would not ever be forgiven. they'd be lucky i never jammed a pencil or pen into their stupid neck

forgetting someone exists is very easy. forgiving someone who is a monster and harmed me like that would be impossible. i believe this to be true

PJ_Soul

chadwick wrote:

pandora wrote:

Forgive what is done to us but never forget...

forgiving was the only way to heal for me,truly heal
it's weight lifted from my heart, there is no hurt, no hate, just peace.

the saying ... "forgive for they know not what they do" is truth.
Sometimes I think it is the only truth we were given.

They have no idea the depths of what they do and neither do you or I.

Forgiving is inevitable, knowing is inevitable, freedom is inevitable, justice is inevitable.
For me I know one day we will all face our own hearts that will be punishment enough,
I want mine to be as light as possible now and then.

my vote is to just forget the abuser exists. no family christmas meals and gift time, none. no thanksgiving get togethers, zip. no give a shits, no nothing. if i were abused i'd grow up and forget my abuser ever even existed. i would not forgive them for molesting me,,,(let's just use molesting as the example) (i was not molested, btw)

if i were molested by someone when i was growing up, they would not ever be forgiven. they'd be lucky i never jammed a pencil or pen into their stupid neck

forgetting someone exists is very easy. forgiving someone who is a monster and harmed me like that would be impossible. i believe this to be true

Agreed! I'd find no peace in forgiving a person like that at all! On the contrary. I'd find much more peace if I found out that they died a long drawn out miserable death or something. Also, that "Forgive them for they know not what they do" line is not about forgiving molesters and people who beat their children or do other rotten things like that. It's about people not having found faith in God and Jesus. Really, it's a line in the Bible that tells potential converts that it's not too late for them to become a Christian.

pandora

some(edit) experts, therapists would tend to say let the anger go, to do that one must forgive,
forgetting is near to impossible when you have been abused. Blocked out
but that is not forgetting.

That is what worked for me, forgiving, I am at peace now and it does not effect my life
though has made me who I am like all my life experiences. I like myself and the puzzle fits
though some pieces are horribly ugly.

PJ_Soul

pandora wrote:

Most experts, therapists would tend to say let the anger go, to do that one must forgive,
forgetting is near to impossible when you have been abused. Blocked out
but that is not forgetting.

That is what worked for me, forgiving, I am at peace now and it does not effect my life
though has made me who I am like all my life experiences. I like myself and the puzzle fits
though some pieces are horribly ugly.

Are you an expert? A therapist? Not sure how you know what most therapists would say. And letting go of anger and forgiving someone who hurt you like that isn't the same thing at all. I'm completely at peace about someone in my past who hurt me. I don't hurt anymore from it. That's finding peace. But I'll never the forgive the fucker.

pandora

PJ_Soul wrote:

chadwick wrote:

pandora wrote:

Forgive what is done to us but never forget...

forgiving was the only way to heal for me,truly heal
it's weight lifted from my heart, there is no hurt, no hate, just peace.

the saying ... "forgive for they know not what they do" is truth.
Sometimes I think it is the only truth we were given.

They have no idea the depths of what they do and neither do you or I.

Forgiving is inevitable, knowing is inevitable, freedom is inevitable, justice is inevitable.
For me I know one day we will all face our own hearts that will be punishment enough,
I want mine to be as light as possible now and then.

my vote is to just forget the abuser exists. no family christmas meals and gift time, none. no thanksgiving get togethers, zip. no give a shits, no nothing. if i were abused i'd grow up and forget my abuser ever even existed. i would not forgive them for molesting me,,,(let's just use molesting as the example) (i was not molested, btw)

if i were molested by someone when i was growing up, they would not ever be forgiven. they'd be lucky i never jammed a pencil or pen into their stupid neck

forgetting someone exists is very easy. forgiving someone who is a monster and harmed me like that would be impossible. i believe this to be true

Agreed! I'd find no peace in forgiving a person like that at all! On the contrary. I'd find much more peace if I found out that they died a long drawn out miserable death or something. Also, that "Forgive them for they know not what they do" line is not about forgiving molesters and people who beat their children or do other rotten things like that. It's about people not having found faith in God and Jesus. Really, it's a line in the Bible that tells potential converts that it's not too late for them to become a Christian.

Yes I know Jesus said it I saw it in a movie yes?

Your words are so filled with hate I don't care to have mine like that
for anything done to me.

But of course forgiving is much harder ... those who hurt a loved one.

pandora

PJ_Soul wrote:

pandora wrote:

Most experts, therapists would tend to say let the anger go, to do that one must forgive,
forgetting is near to impossible when you have been abused. Blocked out
but that is not forgetting.

That is what worked for me, forgiving, I am at peace now and it does not effect my life
though has made me who I am like all my life experiences. I like myself and the puzzle fits
though some pieces are horribly ugly.

Are you an expert? A therapist? Not sure how you know what most therapists would say. And letting go of anger and forgiving someone who hurt you like that isn't the same thing at all. I'm completely at peace about someone in my past who hurt me. I don't hurt anymore from it. That's finding peace. But I'll never the forgive the fucker.

I have had my share of help both written and in group ...
I will change my most to some that should cover it.

Forgiving has worked for me and for many this much I do know.
It doesn't mean the abuser wins, it is I who wins when I forgive, it is for me.

PJ_Soul

pandora wrote:

PJ_Soul wrote:

chadwick wrote:

Agreed! I'd find no peace in forgiving a person like that at all! On the contrary. I'd find much more peace if I found out that they died a long drawn out miserable death or something. Also, that "Forgive them for they know not what they do" line is not about forgiving molesters and people who beat their children or do other rotten things like that. It's about people not having found faith in God and Jesus. Really, it's a line in the Bible that tells potential converts that it's not too late for them to become a Christian.

Yes I know Jesus said it I saw it in a movie yes?

Your words are so filled with hate I don't care to have mine like that
for anything done to me.

But of course forgiving is much harder ... those who hurt a loved one.

I don't have any hate Pandora. You're being judgmental and making assumptions about how I feel (as usual), and that isn't cool. I don't get the thing you said about a movie. I read it in the Bible myself - Father forgive them for they do not know what they do - I think that's the line. Anyway, it's not about forgiveness being harder. It's about those people not deserving forgiveness, and those hurt not feeling obligated to forgive. That's the whole problem that we were talking about in the first place. That thinking makes people feel obligated to make up with horrible people who they should never speak to again, and that seems much more harmful to a lot of people in the long run. That's fine if you like to forgive rotten people, but it's not hateful not to.

pandora

PJ_Soul wrote:

I don't have any hate Pandora. You're being judgmental and making assumptions about how I feel (as usual), and that isn't cool. I don't get the thing you said about a movie. I read it in the Bible myself - Father forgive them for they do not know what they do - I think that's the line. Anyway, it's not about forgiveness being harder. It's about those people not deserving forgiveness, and those hurt not feeling obligated to forgive. That's the whole problem that we were talking about in the first place. That thinking makes people feel obligated to make up with horrible people who they should never speak to again, and that seems much more harmful to a lot of people in the long run. That's fine if you like to forgive rotten people, but it's not hateful not to.

I didn't read it in the Bible only know that from a movie.

sorry I don't mean to sound like I was judging more like I hear you... its hard not to feel it either
thats all I have to work with here are your words and tone, sounds like you hate, is all.


For me when I was sounding and feeling like that it was not over, no where near,
I was filled with hate, I was not myself, the abuser still had control.

This thread we are speaking of our own experiences and what has worked for us.
Never did I mention allowing abusers back into your life or mine :?

just stating forgiving worked for me.

USARAY

thought I wanted to disown my older brother for awhile I missed him glad he is around I need him
that's cool

comebackgirl

"Forgive them for they know not what they do"

I think that's true of some people who hurt others...probably of a lot of people that hurt others. However, there are some people who know exactly the hurt they inflict and that's precisely why they do it. They will not feel guilt, or show remorse. They will blame the victim, trivialize their feelings, and seek more opportunities to exploit others. Instead of remorse they feel gratification from the pain they inflict. That is not a person that you should ever feel compelled to reconcile or reconnect with. Keep them at as great a distance as possible. Healing is such a personal process.

SPEEDY MCCREADY

I know one thing....

All the people in this thread, who talk about disowning family members???

I would LOVE TO HEAR those families members side of the story......

covered in bliss

sorry to read that you're still having trouble, patrickredeyes. I really don't know what to say... you've been having trouble with her for so long!

comebackgirl--you nailed it! healing IS such a personal process... many times, a never-ending process! I stepped off the crazy roller coaster for a while and when I started really missing my family, got back on. Things were better for a long time but lately, I'm hearing that 'click-click-click-click'... like when a roller coaster is ascending. christ, my pulse increases just thinking about it! I can't bring myself to read back to what I said in the beginning of this thread--I"m sure it will bring back bad feelings and memories.. things that I've forgotten.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do". yep, that's my situation. Mom is an alcoholic, enough said. I think it's time to find an alanon meeting, for sure.

--and to speedy: my sister would say that I was a horrible, selfish person... how could I not speak to my alcoholic mother? SHE CAN"T HELP IT-SHE"S SICK-WOULD I DISOWN HER IF SHE HAD CANCER??!!! mom would say that she doesn't have a problem, she has it under control, she will never again be in a coma in intensive care or try to commit suicide. I'm just being too sensitive, I should lighten up. I'm holding a grudge for how shitty my childhood was and she's really, really sorry.

Does that answer your question?