I have been married FOREVER and have a kid and am still married. I would NEVER expect my husband to ask out of courtesy. Yes, TELL me to make sure I am going to be home to take care of the dog, and if not, we need to draw straws on who gets to go, but if he "asked", I'd probably tell him to grow some balls. *hides*
He does what he wants, I do what I want, he buys what he wants, and so do I. We are still happy and have fun together after 20 years. It has worked fantastically for years. We don't own or control each other.
There is just a big difference in ASKING permission and saying "Hey babe, I am going to the hockey game tonight".
I damn sure don't want an asker...nor do I want to be expected to do the same.
so you have an actual human child or just a dog? tell me you're not one of those people who thinks it's the same. also, do you both work full time jobs? it's nice to have an arrangement like that, but if it starts to be too one sided (ie, one person is always going out and having fun while the other is stuck home babysitting), it can be a problem. i see no problem with saying "since we don't have anything going on next Tuesday, I'm going to happy hour with work people - does that work for you?" 99% if the time, it's fine - but it's more respectful and courteous than just assuming that it's not burdening or inconveniencing the other person.
Yep, human child is 20 and lives in either Vail or New Zealand.
We both work full time, always have, and have never had a problem with the "balance" at all. That is a respect issue. Over the years, you kinda know what the other is gonna do, like when PJ releases tour dates, he knows I will be gone, as I know with him and hockey games and if they manage to make the playoffs. He knows I take a week off with my girlfriends every year also. That many years, you just know each other to know what to expect.
yep, same here. i didn't really have to ask "permission" until the 2 kids arrived on the scene. it's not just me asking - she has to as well - and it's not permission really, it's that you have the responsibility of carrying your weight in the marriage - and just taking off to concerts on a whim without clearing it first is a nice freedom of youth, but it's not good for a healthy marriage, especially with kids involved.
What is "permission" though? Why would your wife OR husband care if you did something like go to a Pearl Jam show? I get the courtesy thing, but I wouldn't call that obtaining "permission." Mutually clearing schedules is one thing (like you'd have to make sure she's not counting on you to watch the kids that night because there's something she has planned), but otherwise...I wouldn't be with someone who withheld me from doing things I love to do just to spite me. In the case of what we are discussing (back on topic) someone said a reason that guys drag girlfriends/wives to shows is because the women won't let them go otherwise. How much water does this reason hold? Does it happen to a lot of people? Does it happen to women- anyone here have a boyfriend or husband who doesn't let them take off for a show (or only with conditions)?
But here's my question on clearing schedules- what if you get the email from the ten club that the ticket presale is NOW and you have no time to get in touch to check if it's ok. Do you go ahead and order them any way?
I think has really diverged from the original question of the lack of women who are at shows because they want to be there, but it's gotten at some interesting things. Maybe the women who do go alone or bring friends to the show aren't just a minority of rock fans, or unusually independent, but they have unusually open relationships as well...
yep, same here. i didn't really have to ask "permission" until the 2 kids arrived on the scene. it's not just me asking - she has to as well - and it's not permission really, it's that you have the responsibility of carrying your weight in the marriage - and just taking off to concerts on a whim without clearing it first is a nice freedom of youth, but it's not good for a healthy marriage, especially with kids involved.
What is "permission" though? Why would your wife OR husband care if you did something like go to a Pearl Jam show? I get the courtesy thing, but I wouldn't call that obtaining "permission." Mutually clearing schedules is one thing (like you'd have to make sure she's not counting on you to watch the kids that night because there's something she has planned), but otherwise...I wouldn't be with someone who withheld me from doing things I love to do just to spite me. In the case of what we are discussing (back on topic) someone said a reason that guys drag girlfriends/wives to shows is because the women won't let them go otherwise. How much water does this reason hold? Does it happen to a lot of people? Does it happen to women- anyone here have a boyfriend or husband who doesn't let them take off for a show (or only with conditions)?
But here's my question on clearing schedules- what if you get the email from the ten club that the ticket presale is NOW and you have no time to get in touch to check if it's ok. Do you go ahead and order them any way?
I think has really diverged from the original question of the lack of women who are at shows because they want to be there, but it's gotten at some interesting things. Maybe the women who do go alone or bring friends to the show aren't just a minority of rock fans, or unusually independent, but they have unusually open relationships as well...
you betcha - order!
b/c sure, amongst the 'courtesy' is also knowing/understanding your partner. my husband knows me, my interests, what i like to do, etc....and vice versa. now, would i go and order tix to the oz shows on a whim? no. b/c that involves a LOT more than just a weekend away, and also a big drain on the finances. i did ask my husband if he minded if i went to oz for the sydney show on my bday....and he, w/o hesitation, was a-ok with it. in the end, *I* chose not to go for a myriad of reasons, but mostly b/c i felt in the end it was too selfish of me to visit oz on my own, be away from my bday and thanksgiving, and to utlize so much of our funds all on myself. hoping the hawaii dates will work with our planned december vacation and we BOTH will go, problem solved.
and certainly, not 'pissed off' with how someone else chooses to live their life, have their marriage, etc. it's all so individual. what works for one couple doesn't for another. the trick is finding what works for you both and makes you both happy. imo, it's all 'semantics to a certaibn extent. there may well be some couple who truly must ask permission....for most i assume it's simply scheduling/courtesy...and for others it's just pure understanding of each other and thus, no need.
as to your last statement...i honestly never thought i had some odd relationship, but the longer i am married, and how we choose to live our lives, i DO realize we do have a very open relationship, and a lot of freedom...and sure, i wouldn't have it any other way. i lived/studied abroad for 6 weeks a few years ago, have traveled all over, etc.....all on my own. my husband has myriad outside interests as well. we also LOVe being together. it works for us and we are ahppy, what more is there?
I think that you guys may have misinterpreted my "permission" post. Any major events for us are a 6-hour drive (or a plane ride) and usually a 2 day commitment at a minimum. Anything in town is fair game pretty much with no notice, no questions asked for either of us. If I want to go to see an NHL game in Minny or Chicago or Ottawa, I am required to ask. If my wife wants to go see Chris Cornell with her buddies in Toronto -- she's asking.
I can't see how a marriage with kids (especially little gaffers like I have) would last longer than one unannounced 5 day trip to Philadelphia to see 4 PJ shows. I guess we'll see.
1/12/1879, 4/8/1156, 2/6/1977, who gives a shit, ...
I think that you guys may have misinterpreted my "permission" post. Any major events for us are a 6-hour drive (or a plane ride) and usually a 2 day commitment at a minimum. Anything in town is fair game pretty much with no notice, no questions asked for either of us. If I want to go to see an NHL game in Minny or Chicago or Ottawa, I am required to ask. If my wife wants to go see Chris Cornell with her buddies in Toronto -- she's asking.
I can't see how a marriage with kids (especially little gaffers like I have) would last longer than one unannounced 5 day trip to Philadelphia to see 4 PJ shows. I guess we'll see.
I didn't misinterpret. Yes, I tell him, but I don't ask and likewise him to me. That includes wacky travel plans. In fact, I just told him that we are flying back early from visiting family in Austin (yes, I arranged it for ACL) so I could hop in a car to drive by myself to San Diego to be able to meet my best friend flying in from Memphis and I can take her to her first PJ concert. Yes, I had to change all of our airline tickets. When I was in San Francisco in December for a Black Crowes 5 night Fillmore run, I purchased my tickets to go to Woodstock to see them record in Febrary without saying anything until I was home. It has been this way for years. If we don't have anything else on the schedule that we are suppose to be doing together...then whatever.
He, in turn, has done the same on the drop of a dime. He has taken off for some Stanley cup finals...actually with one, he called me and left like in an hour...I didn't even see him off. AND, on a funny note, just a bit ago, he said he was taking off for the weekend for some mine exploring and 4 wheeling in Jerome, AZ. No big deal...
I didn't misinterpret. Yes, I tell him, but I don't ask and likewise him to me. That includes wacky travel plans. In fact, I just told him that we are flying back early from visiting family in Austin (yes, I arranged it for ACL) so I could hop in a car to drive by myself to San Diego to be able to meet my best friend flying in from Memphis and I can take her to her first PJ concert. Yes, I had to change all of our airline tickets. When I was in San Francisco in December for a Black Crowes 5 night Fillmore run, I purchased my tickets to go to Woodstock to see them record in Febrary without saying anything until I was home. It has been this way for years. If we don't have anything else on the schedule that we are suppose to be doing together...then whatever.
He, in turn, has done the same on the drop of a dime. He has taken off for some Stanley cup finals...actually with one, he called me and left like in an hour...I didn't even see him off. AND, on a funny note, just a bit ago, he said he was taking off for the weekend for some mine exploring and 4 wheeling in Jerome, AZ. No big deal...
Well -- that's cool. That kind of spontaneity wouldn't fly around here I'm sure.
1/12/1879, 4/8/1156, 2/6/1977, who gives a shit, ...
I have total free rein when it comes to PJ and that has been the understanding since we saw them in 91 together and he did not get it like I did.
He just knows. If I get an email, I buy and figure it all out later. End of story.
Oh, and he knows EV is officially on "the list" too, and it's ok.
and that's awesome for you!
others just conduct their marriages a wee bit differently, and as long as everyone is happy, win-win! there is no one right way to live, and certainly no one right way to be happy in a relationship.
i just would never even think of say planning a trip to oz for a 2 weeks without talking about it first with my husband. and i know he feels, and acts, the same way for his own wants and plans. we still give each other pretty much free reign to do as we choose....we simply prefer to consult with one another first. this works for us, your way works for your relationship...others have different ways, and so it goes....
Having to ask for "permission" to do things and calmly discussing, as two adults, what you want to do are two completely different things. As long as both parties are equal adults in a relationship, it's good.
But when you get into the child-parent dynamic, it's intolerable and can quickly descend into abuse. I've been the "6-year-old girl" asking for permission in a relationship and it's just plain sick. It's a control issue in the end- don't try to control people! It's horrible. :?
Having to ask for "permission" to do things and calmly discussing, as two adults, what you want to do are two completely different things. As long as both parties are equal adults in a relationship, it's good.
But when you get into the child-parent dynamic, it's intolerable and can quickly descend into abuse. I've been the "6-year-old girl" asking for permission in a relationship and it's just plain sick. It's a control issue in the end- don't try to control people! It's horrible. :?
of course it is, i think most of us did differentiate the two. however, some used the shorthand of calling it 'permission'....but sure, it's simply about discussion.
i don't think anyone here was even remotely suggesting a parent/child dynamic within a marriage, and certainly none would ever suggest that as being healthy. obviously there are extreme/abusive relationships, but i don't imagine anyone here was at all discussing their own relationships in such a light. i would think at the very least, we all were/am discussing healthy and happy marriages....and how even amongst them all, how very much they can vary. a relationship/marriage is going to vary as greatly as individuals vary....which is to say, a lot.
getting back to the heart of the matter, i DO know of quite a few women, myself included...who travel to shows solo, have gone to shows solo....and go to an equal amount of shows with friends, female and male.....and/or my husband. i think if nothing else, this thread illustrates that even if female fans of pj are a minority, we certainly are an independent-minded bunch, and involved with equally respectful and independent men. tis all good.
I have total free rein when it comes to PJ and that has been the understanding since we saw them in 91 together and he did not get it like I did.
He just knows. If I get an email, I buy and figure it all out later. End of story.
Oh, and he knows EV is officially on "the list" too, and it's ok.
and that's awesome for you!
others just conduct their marriages a wee bit differently, and as long as everyone is happy, win-win! there is no one right way to live, and certainly no one right way to be happy in a relationship.
i just would never even think of say planning a trip to oz for a 2 weeks without talking about it first with my husband. and i know he feels, and acts, the same way for his own wants and plans. we still give each other pretty much free reign to do as we choose....we simply prefer to consult with one another first. this works for us, your way works for your relationship...others have different ways, and so it goes....
Ya'll aren't seeing where I am coming from. I do not ask if I can do something, but if I were going on a two week trip, I would sure tell my guy first with plenty of time to make sure there are no conflicts. IF something comes up, like the 150 tickets to watch the Crowes record, then it is understood that it was a once in a lifetime thing and you jump on it.
This has kept us both very happy. We do TONS together too...camping, 4 wheeling, we collect rocks...he is just not into music as much as me, so I go. Same as with his hobbies, he goes. In twenty years, we have never had a problem with this and I think, are happier than most couple we see. We are still madly in love, never fight, and just have a blast when we are together, sex is still great, and I fully attribute that to keeping our individual passions in the forefront of who we are and not becoming a generic "us".
Our kid ended up highly independent and is REALLY living his dream, which you hardly see out of kids anymore. He tried one semester of college because we wanted him to, hated it, quit, and packed his bags with 200 bucks and left to become a snowboard instructor. Now, he works in Vail and New Zealand and is taking people on helicopter jumps. He makes hardly anything, he owns nothing but cloths and equipment, but snowboards everyday and is just plain fucking happy. I fully attribute that to our example of being "free and spontaneous" as you might say.
Ya'll aren't seeing where I am coming from. I do not ask if I can do something, but if I were going on a two week trip, I would sure tell my guy first with plenty of time to make sure there are no conflicts. IF something comes up, like the 150 tickets to watch the Crowes record, then it is understood that it was a once in a lifetime thing and you jump on it.
This has kept us both very happy. We do TONS together too...camping, 4 wheeling, we collect rocks...he is just not into music as much as me, so I go. Same as with his hobbies, he goes. In twenty years, we have never had a problem with this and I think, are happier than most couple we see. We are still madly in love, never fight, and just have a blast when we are together, sex is still great, and I fully attribute that to keeping our individual passions in the forefront of who we are and not becoming a generic "us".
It sounds like you and your husband have a really good thing going on.
I have total free rein when it comes to PJ and that has been the understanding since we saw them in 91 together and he did not get it like I did.
He just knows. If I get an email, I buy and figure it all out later. End of story.
Oh, and he knows EV is officially on "the list" too, and it's ok.
and that's awesome for you!
others just conduct their marriages a wee bit differently, and as long as everyone is happy, win-win! there is no one right way to live, and certainly no one right way to be happy in a relationship.
i just would never even think of say planning a trip to oz for a 2 weeks without talking about it first with my husband. and i know he feels, and acts, the same way for his own wants and plans. we still give each other pretty much free reign to do as we choose....we simply prefer to consult with one another first. this works for us, your way works for your relationship...others have different ways, and so it goes....
Ya'll aren't seeing where I am coming from. I do not ask if I can do something, but if I were going on a two week trip, I would sure tell my guy first with plenty of time to make sure there are no conflicts. IF something comes up, like the 150 tickets to watch the Crowes record, then it is understood that it was a once in a lifetime thing and you jump on it.
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nah, i did understand you completely....and i simply added that some of us don't do things exactly as you do in your marriage.....and as long as all are happy in their own selves, their respective relationships....it's all good. i do 'ask'...i don't tell, we always discuss in depth. or i say i would like to, what do you think? b/c i know myself, and sometimes i am not sensible about things, the finances of it, etc. and still....i've always had the choice to do whatever i want, as does he. but we still both 'ask' b/c we personally like to ask for another pov. it's just how we operate and that's all i was getting at - we all do things differently.
i am glad to read you are so happily married, i am quite happy to say after 17 years together, we are too. whatever works! there are many roads to happiness together. it's great to maintain your sense of self and individuality, and still be happy together as well....definitely makes life so much better.
nah, i did understand you completely....and i simply added that some of us don't do things exactly as you do in your marriage.....and as long as all are happy in their own selves, their respective relationships....it's all good. i do 'ask'...i don't tell, we always discuss in depth. or i say i would like to, what do you think? b/c i know myself, and sometimes i am not sensible about things, the finances of it, etc. and still....i've always had the choice to do whatever i want, as does he. but we still both 'ask' b/c we personally like to ask for another pov. it's just how we operate and that's all i was getting at - we all do things differently.
i am glad to read you are so happily married, i am quite happy to say after 17 years together, we are too. whatever works! there are many roads to happiness together. it's great to maintain your sense of self and individuality, and still be happy together as well....definitely makes life so much better.
You're right, you have to find the dynamic that works best.
Believe it or not, I hardly know anyone that has made it as long as either of us. Just goes to prove that different things work for different people!
But, going back to the actual thread discussion, I still think that female are in the minority when it comes to live rock concerts, except when it is Bret Michaels (gag) or something, and I attribute that to the fact that they let themselves go. Not in the physical sense, but in the sense that they settle into the married and kid thing. As far as the young girls, there were raised on music-shit by those same Mothers that gave them self up to suburbia. It's a vicious cycle and might actually attribute to the shit bands of the 2000's.
[i am glad to read you are so happily married, i am quite happy to say after 17 years together, we are too. whatever works! there are many roads to happiness together. it's great to maintain your sense of self and individuality, and still be happy together as well....definitely makes life so much better.
How NICE for all of you! Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. I'm not jealous at all! :?
[i am glad to read you are so happily married, i am quite happy to say after 17 years together, we are too. whatever works! there are many roads to happiness together. it's great to maintain your sense of self and individuality, and still be happy together as well....definitely makes life so much better.
How NICE for all of you! Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. I'm not jealous at all! :?
:(
but....you still go and see live pearl jam....on your own, with friends, whatever...right? that has got to bring you a lot of joy as well, yes?
and hey, as the OP rightly points out, there are tons of guys at pj shows, so who knows?
haha after 21 PJ shows, many involving travel and meeting other fans, I've never met a guy. It's funny, I think it would be cool to date someone who likes Pearl Jam, but at the same time, most of the guys I see at shows don't really seem to be my type (and like a TON seem to be married). Judging by most of the tag-a-long girlfriends there, I don't think I'm their type either
But you should never be jealous of someone because they're in a relationship. Having a relationship isn't necessarily better than not having one, even a good one.
Yeah, and I'm cute andnot weird...it's just hard to find genuinely nice guys.
not sure if you listen to cbc but they have that comedy show where two comics debate each other ... anyhooo - the other day it was a female comic arguing good guys are hard to find while the guy disagreed ... pretty funny ...
also - my recently single friend (female) has been giving me horror stories ... i always assume that there are plenty of good guys out there but apparently they aren't online ... dunno where they are ...
I have been to shows by myself (rode a bus from syracuse to nyc, saw the show, slept on the bus back in the middle of the night to be back for stuff the next morning), driven 600 miles to Toledo etc., and have gone with one or the other of my daughters much of the time. My husband is not into it. He's cool with me going though. That's why we've stayed married for 27 years - we give each other space to do things we like that don't include the other person necessarily. I don't need a guy with me to enjoy Pearl Jam and I rock as hard as the next individual. I like RATM too, and NIN - its not just PJ that has the phenomenon being discussed.
R.i.p. Rigoberto Alpizar.
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
I have been to shows by myself (rode a bus from syracuse to nyc, saw the show, slept on the bus back in the middle of the night to be back for stuff the next morning), driven 600 miles to Toledo etc., and have gone with one or the other of my daughters much of the time. My husband is not into it. He's cool with me going though. That's why we've stayed married for 27 years - we give each other space to do things we like that don't include the other person necessarily. I don't need a guy with me to enjoy Pearl Jam and I rock as hard as the next individual. I like RATM too, and NIN - its not just PJ that has the phenomenon being discussed.
also - my recently single friend (female) has been giving me horror stories ... i always assume that there are plenty of good guys out there but apparently they aren't online ... dunno where they are ...
haha I dabble in online dating (if you want to meet single men these days, I'm really not sure how else you would do it) and I just kind of laugh at the "horror" stories. I go on bad dates and then crack people up for decades with the stories. It's great. You just can't go into it with the expectation that you're going to meet your prince charming.
also - my recently single friend (female) has been giving me horror stories ... i always assume that there are plenty of good guys out there but apparently they aren't online ... dunno where they are ...
haha I dabble in online dating (if you want to meet single men these days, I'm really not sure how else you would do it) and I just kind of laugh at the "horror" stories. I go on bad dates and then crack people up for decades with the stories. It's great. You just can't go into it with the expectation that you're going to meet your prince charming.
So Lauri, how you doin? Where u from? You like Pearl Jam? Can i buy u a drink?
But here's my question on clearing schedules- what if you get the email from the ten club that the ticket presale is NOW and you have no time to get in touch to check if it's ok. Do you go ahead and order them any way?
OH YES! When the Chgo night 2 tix went on sale, I got a text from a friend and I was having a party at my house. I freaked out a little bit - screamed, ran up the stairs and ordered the tickets. THEN I told my husband. It is just understood that when PJ comes to town, I am going to go. He just laughed at me!
WI '98, WI '99 (EV), WI '00, Chgo '00, MO '00, Champaign '03, Chgo '03, WI '03, IN '03, MI '04, Chgo '06:N1 & 2, WI '06, Chgo '07, Chgo '08 (EV:N1), Chgo '09:N1 & 2, Chgo '11 (EV:N1), WI '11:N1 & 2, Philly '12, Wrigley '13, Pitt '13, Buff '13, Detroit '14, MKE '14, Wrigley '16: N1 & N2, Seattle '18 N2, Wrigley '18: N1 & N2, Fenway '18 N1, STL '22, St Paul '23 N2, Chgo '23: N1 & N2, Wrigley '24 N1 & 2
But here's my question on clearing schedules- what if you get the email from the ten club that the ticket presale is NOW and you have no time to get in touch to check if it's ok. Do you go ahead and order them any way?
OH YES! When the Chgo night 2 tix went on sale, I got a text from a friend and I was having a party at my house. I freaked out a little bit - screamed, ran up the stairs and ordered the tickets. THEN I told my husband. It is just understood that when PJ comes to town, I am going to go. He just laughed at me!
i think for hometown shows that is a given for just about all of us...otherwise, how could anyone be happily married here? it's only when thinking of doing some west coast/canadian gigs 2005....or the italian tour 2006...or a few euroshows in 2007....or considering oz, maybe hawaii(for once together!)...that discussions ever happen.
hehe I was just thinking about this thread and I remembered a time when I was watching Live at the Garden with my dad and he said, "don't any girls go to pearl jam concerts? what's the point of being in a rock band if no girls go to your concerts?" .
i (a girl) was at the two chicago shows, and both nights i was nearly surrounded by guys except a few girls who were very obviously there with boyfriends and NOT into the concert. kept leaving during songs, talked to their bf's while the bf was trying to rock out, etc.
although i am one of the few people who have done the opposite -- a few years back i brought my non-pj fan boyfriend to a show. he was not converted ..
hehe I was just thinking about this thread and I remembered a time when I was watching Live at the Garden with my dad and he said, "don't any girls go to pearl jam concerts? what's the point of being in a rock band if no girls go to your concerts?" .
Pearl Jam should play a "female fans only" show just for fun.
hehe I was just thinking about this thread and I remembered a time when I was watching Live at the Garden with my dad and he said, "don't any girls go to pearl jam concerts? what's the point of being in a rock band if no girls go to your concerts?" .
Pearl Jam should play a "female fans only" show just for fun.
I'd be all for that! It would be in a nice small venue where we all get front row.
Comments
Yep, human child is 20 and lives in either Vail or New Zealand.
We both work full time, always have, and have never had a problem with the "balance" at all. That is a respect issue. Over the years, you kinda know what the other is gonna do, like when PJ releases tour dates, he knows I will be gone, as I know with him and hockey games and if they manage to make the playoffs. He knows I take a week off with my girlfriends every year also. That many years, you just know each other to know what to expect.
What is "permission" though? Why would your wife OR husband care if you did something like go to a Pearl Jam show? I get the courtesy thing, but I wouldn't call that obtaining "permission." Mutually clearing schedules is one thing (like you'd have to make sure she's not counting on you to watch the kids that night because there's something she has planned), but otherwise...I wouldn't be with someone who withheld me from doing things I love to do just to spite me. In the case of what we are discussing (back on topic) someone said a reason that guys drag girlfriends/wives to shows is because the women won't let them go otherwise. How much water does this reason hold? Does it happen to a lot of people? Does it happen to women- anyone here have a boyfriend or husband who doesn't let them take off for a show (or only with conditions)?
But here's my question on clearing schedules- what if you get the email from the ten club that the ticket presale is NOW and you have no time to get in touch to check if it's ok. Do you go ahead and order them any way?
I think has really diverged from the original question of the lack of women who are at shows because they want to be there, but it's gotten at some interesting things. Maybe the women who do go alone or bring friends to the show aren't just a minority of rock fans, or unusually independent, but they have unusually open relationships as well...
you betcha - order!
b/c sure, amongst the 'courtesy' is also knowing/understanding your partner. my husband knows me, my interests, what i like to do, etc....and vice versa. now, would i go and order tix to the oz shows on a whim? no. b/c that involves a LOT more than just a weekend away, and also a big drain on the finances. i did ask my husband if he minded if i went to oz for the sydney show on my bday....and he, w/o hesitation, was a-ok with it. in the end, *I* chose not to go for a myriad of reasons, but mostly b/c i felt in the end it was too selfish of me to visit oz on my own, be away from my bday and thanksgiving, and to utlize so much of our funds all on myself. hoping the hawaii dates will work with our planned december vacation and we BOTH will go, problem solved.
and certainly, not 'pissed off' with how someone else chooses to live their life, have their marriage, etc. it's all so individual. what works for one couple doesn't for another. the trick is finding what works for you both and makes you both happy. imo, it's all 'semantics to a certaibn extent. there may well be some couple who truly must ask permission....for most i assume it's simply scheduling/courtesy...and for others it's just pure understanding of each other and thus, no need.
as to your last statement...i honestly never thought i had some odd relationship, but the longer i am married, and how we choose to live our lives, i DO realize we do have a very open relationship, and a lot of freedom...and sure, i wouldn't have it any other way. i lived/studied abroad for 6 weeks a few years ago, have traveled all over, etc.....all on my own. my husband has myriad outside interests as well. we also LOVe being together. it works for us and we are ahppy, what more is there?
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
He just knows. If I get an email, I buy and figure it all out later. End of story.
Oh, and he knows EV is officially on "the list" too, and it's ok.
I can't see how a marriage with kids (especially little gaffers like I have) would last longer than one unannounced 5 day trip to Philadelphia to see 4 PJ shows. I guess we'll see.
I didn't misinterpret. Yes, I tell him, but I don't ask and likewise him to me. That includes wacky travel plans. In fact, I just told him that we are flying back early from visiting family in Austin (yes, I arranged it for ACL) so I could hop in a car to drive by myself to San Diego to be able to meet my best friend flying in from Memphis and I can take her to her first PJ concert. Yes, I had to change all of our airline tickets. When I was in San Francisco in December for a Black Crowes 5 night Fillmore run, I purchased my tickets to go to Woodstock to see them record in Febrary without saying anything until I was home. It has been this way for years. If we don't have anything else on the schedule that we are suppose to be doing together...then whatever.
He, in turn, has done the same on the drop of a dime. He has taken off for some Stanley cup finals...actually with one, he called me and left like in an hour...I didn't even see him off. AND, on a funny note, just a bit ago, he said he was taking off for the weekend for some mine exploring and 4 wheeling in Jerome, AZ. No big deal...
and that's awesome for you!
others just conduct their marriages a wee bit differently, and as long as everyone is happy, win-win! there is no one right way to live, and certainly no one right way to be happy in a relationship.
i just would never even think of say planning a trip to oz for a 2 weeks without talking about it first with my husband. and i know he feels, and acts, the same way for his own wants and plans. we still give each other pretty much free reign to do as we choose....we simply prefer to consult with one another first. this works for us, your way works for your relationship...others have different ways, and so it goes....
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
But when you get into the child-parent dynamic, it's intolerable and can quickly descend into abuse. I've been the "6-year-old girl" asking for permission in a relationship and it's just plain sick. It's a control issue in the end- don't try to control people! It's horrible. :?
of course it is, i think most of us did differentiate the two. however, some used the shorthand of calling it 'permission'....but sure, it's simply about discussion.
i don't think anyone here was even remotely suggesting a parent/child dynamic within a marriage, and certainly none would ever suggest that as being healthy. obviously there are extreme/abusive relationships, but i don't imagine anyone here was at all discussing their own relationships in such a light. i would think at the very least, we all were/am discussing healthy and happy marriages....and how even amongst them all, how very much they can vary. a relationship/marriage is going to vary as greatly as individuals vary....which is to say, a lot.
getting back to the heart of the matter, i DO know of quite a few women, myself included...who travel to shows solo, have gone to shows solo....and go to an equal amount of shows with friends, female and male.....and/or my husband. i think if nothing else, this thread illustrates that even if female fans of pj are a minority, we certainly are an independent-minded bunch, and involved with equally respectful and independent men. tis all good.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Ya'll aren't seeing where I am coming from. I do not ask if I can do something, but if I were going on a two week trip, I would sure tell my guy first with plenty of time to make sure there are no conflicts. IF something comes up, like the 150 tickets to watch the Crowes record, then it is understood that it was a once in a lifetime thing and you jump on it.
This has kept us both very happy. We do TONS together too...camping, 4 wheeling, we collect rocks...he is just not into music as much as me, so I go. Same as with his hobbies, he goes. In twenty years, we have never had a problem with this and I think, are happier than most couple we see. We are still madly in love, never fight, and just have a blast when we are together, sex is still great, and I fully attribute that to keeping our individual passions in the forefront of who we are and not becoming a generic "us".
Our kid ended up highly independent and is REALLY living his dream, which you hardly see out of kids anymore. He tried one semester of college because we wanted him to, hated it, quit, and packed his bags with 200 bucks and left to become a snowboard instructor. Now, he works in Vail and New Zealand and is taking people on helicopter jumps. He makes hardly anything, he owns nothing but cloths and equipment, but snowboards everyday and is just plain fucking happy. I fully attribute that to our example of being "free and spontaneous" as you might say.
It sounds like you and your husband have a really good thing going on.
nah, i did understand you completely....and i simply added that some of us don't do things exactly as you do in your marriage.....and as long as all are happy in their own selves, their respective relationships....it's all good. i do 'ask'...i don't tell, we always discuss in depth. or i say i would like to, what do you think? b/c i know myself, and sometimes i am not sensible about things, the finances of it, etc. and still....i've always had the choice to do whatever i want, as does he. but we still both 'ask' b/c we personally like to ask for another pov. it's just how we operate and that's all i was getting at - we all do things differently.
i am glad to read you are so happily married, i am quite happy to say after 17 years together, we are too.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
You're right, you have to find the dynamic that works best.
Believe it or not, I hardly know anyone that has made it as long as either of us. Just goes to prove that different things work for different people!
But, going back to the actual thread discussion, I still think that female are in the minority when it comes to live rock concerts, except when it is Bret Michaels (gag) or something, and I attribute that to the fact that they let themselves go. Not in the physical sense, but in the sense that they settle into the married and kid thing. As far as the young girls, there were raised on music-shit by those same Mothers that gave them self up to suburbia. It's a vicious cycle and might actually attribute to the shit bands of the 2000's.
How NICE for all of you! Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. I'm not jealous at all! :?
:(
but....you still go and see live pearl jam....on your own, with friends, whatever...right? that has got to bring you a lot of joy as well, yes?
and hey, as the OP rightly points out, there are tons of guys at pj shows, so who knows?
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
:(
but....you still go and see live pearl jam....on your own, with friends, whatever...right? that has got to bring you a lot of joy as well, yes?
and hey, as the OP rightly points out, there are tons of guys at pj shows, so who knows?
Yeah, and I'm cute andnot weird...it's just hard to find genuinely nice guys.
haha after 21 PJ shows, many involving travel and meeting other fans, I've never met a guy. It's funny, I think it would be cool to date someone who likes Pearl Jam, but at the same time, most of the guys I see at shows don't really seem to be my type (and like a TON seem to be married). Judging by most of the tag-a-long girlfriends there, I don't think I'm their type either
But you should never be jealous of someone because they're in a relationship. Having a relationship isn't necessarily better than not having one, even a good one.
Yes, that's true.
not sure if you listen to cbc but they have that comedy show where two comics debate each other ... anyhooo - the other day it was a female comic arguing good guys are hard to find while the guy disagreed ... pretty funny ...
also - my recently single friend (female) has been giving me horror stories ... i always assume that there are plenty of good guys out there but apparently they aren't online ... dunno where they are ...
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
That's so fabulous- good for you!
haha I dabble in online dating (if you want to meet single men these days, I'm really not sure how else you would do it) and I just kind of laugh at the "horror" stories. I go on bad dates and then crack people up for decades with the stories. It's great. You just can't go into it with the expectation that you're going to meet your prince charming.
So Lauri, how you doin? Where u from? You like Pearl Jam? Can i buy u a drink?
OH YES! When the Chgo night 2 tix went on sale, I got a text from a friend and I was having a party at my house. I freaked out a little bit - screamed, ran up the stairs and ordered the tickets. THEN I told my husband. It is just understood that when PJ comes to town, I am going to go. He just laughed at me!
i think for hometown shows that is a given for just about all of us...otherwise, how could anyone be happily married here?
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
although i am one of the few people who have done the opposite -- a few years back i brought my non-pj fan boyfriend to a show. he was not converted ..
Pearl Jam should play a "female fans only" show just for fun.
I'd be all for that! It would be in a nice small venue where we all get front row.