to dump, or to be dumped?

135

Comments

  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    soulsinging wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:
    soulsinging wrote:
    I don't believe anything is truly simple when it comes to human emotion, but i do get what you're saying. and yeah, doesnt make me feel any less shitty about it at the moment. ;) but you are about the 20th person after all of the friends i have that know my situation to tell me this, hehe. everyone agrees and they're all right. but it still doesn't make it a whole lot easier to break the news to someone you love knowing it will devestate them.

    of course not.
    this is all to make you feel better, stupid. ;)
    :mrgreen:

    bottomline, you are the first to admit what an asshole you are :D ...so just think, you did her a big favor. hahahahaha.

    oh i've tried telling her that. don't know why she won't believe me!



    duh, b/c she loves you! :|
    besides, aren't you also one of the first to say that girls/women always want to be with the assholes? :mrgreen:

    anyhoo....all will be well my friend. not today, probably not tomorrow...but you made the right move. (for once ;)...oh my, conor IS growing up! *wipes tear* :D) seriously - you did the right thing. for her and for you.
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    keeponrockin wrote:
    Um, ok, I thought I'd ask for advice here... I met a girl at a party a few months ago, we fooled around a bit, but we both knew nothing was going to happen because I was shorty going to move away. So we screwed around over the summer, and that was it...

    Long story short, she came to visit the city I'm in now and we slept together twice, and she now claims to love me. I have some feelings for her, but not nearly the ones she does for me. I feel awful and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to. When I come back to visit, she has made it abundantly clear that she wants to screw again, which as fun as it would be, I think would be a bad idea.

    She knows a relationship isn't going to happen, how do I dig myself out of this hole?

    i don't think there's anything to be done but not sleep with her. maybe even go one further and only see her, if at all, for lunch or coffee or something in a totally public place and make it brief and platonic. and make it abundantly clear you don't share her feelings.

    but clearly im not exactly the poster child for doing things right.
  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    decides2dream wrote:
    soulsinging wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:
    bottomline, you are the first to admit what an asshole you are :D ...so just think, you did her a big favor. hahahahaha.

    oh i've tried telling her that. don't know why she won't believe me!

    duh, b/c she loves you! :|
    besides, aren't you also one of the first to say that girls/women always want to be with the assholes? :mrgreen:

    anyhoo....all will be well my friend. not today, probably not tomorrow...but you made the right move. (for once ;)...oh my, conor IS growing up! *wipes tear* :D) seriously - you did the right thing. for her and for you.

    yup, and i'm living proof!

    don't go throwing a party yet. we don't do strong emotion in my family and i may yet fold. i plan to stick to a steady diet of drugs, alcohol, and sex to fortify myself though!

    i kinda feel like i owe my ex an apology for what a dick i was... if nothing else, being in the shoes she was in has given me a lot of perspective and forgiveness on that whole mess.
  • JordyWordy
    JordyWordy Posts: 2,261
    soulsinging wrote:
    keeponrockin wrote:
    Um, ok, I thought I'd ask for advice here... I met a girl at a party a few months ago, we fooled around a bit, but we both knew nothing was going to happen because I was shorty going to move away. So we screwed around over the summer, and that was it...

    Long story short, she came to visit the city I'm in now and we slept together twice, and she now claims to love me. I have some feelings for her, but not nearly the ones she does for me. I feel awful and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to. When I come back to visit, she has made it abundantly clear that she wants to screw again, which as fun as it would be, I think would be a bad idea.

    She knows a relationship isn't going to happen, how do I dig myself out of this hole?

    i don't think there's anything to be done but not sleep with her. maybe even go one further and only see her, if at all, for lunch or coffee or something in a totally public place and make it brief and platonic. and make it abundantly clear you don't share her feelings.

    but clearly im not exactly the poster child for doing things right.

    From having been in that exact situation, what you said is the exact advice I would give.
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    soulsinging wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:
    soulsinging wrote:
    oh i've tried telling her that. don't know why she won't believe me!

    duh, b/c she loves you! :|
    besides, aren't you also one of the first to say that girls/women always want to be with the assholes? :mrgreen:

    anyhoo....all will be well my friend. not today, probably not tomorrow...but you made the right move. (for once ;)...oh my, conor IS growing up! *wipes tear* :D) seriously - you did the right thing. for her and for you.

    yup, and i'm living proof!

    don't go throwing a party yet. we don't do strong emotion in my family and i may yet fold. i plan to stick to a steady diet of drugs, alcohol, and sex to fortify myself though!

    i kinda feel like i owe my ex an apology for what a dick i was... if nothing else, being in the shoes she was in has given me a lot of perspective and forgiveness on that whole mess.

    ooooooooooooooo...you haven't done it yet? :?
    well damn. as nike says.....just do it. seriously.
    i know you've been 'eh' for well over half? your relationship, so in a sense...you have already strung her along a good long while. of course, can also be looked at as your period for trying to make it work, etc, etc. of course, don't tell her that! thing is, it IS the kindest thing you could do. it is also the most responsible/mature thing you can do. you know this of course. if you truly love/care about her, buut overall feel like she is not 'the one' for you, even with your doubts....it's the BESt thing you can do for her and her future happiness. it'll hurt now, but it would hurt MORE, later. you're late 20s now and is she close in age? yes.....primetime for relationship development. don't have her, or you 'waste' more time when deep down, you know she's not the girl for you. THAt is how you show your real love for her, as your friend, b/c you DO want to see her happy. the longer you wait, the more it'll hurt, and the bigger dick you will be....but of course, you already know this. :D good luck!


    as to the ex, just let it go. she's moved on, you've learned....the apology is unnecessary at this point, life goes on...but good for you that you 'see' that now.
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • polaris_x
    polaris_x Posts: 13,559
    the one thing i would add ... regardless of how you perceive yourself ... don't be a dick ... for her to get her closure - you have to be there for her ... which means - when she calls at random times wanting answers - you give them to her honest and to the point (unless you are dumping her for superficial reasons - like weight) ... what i've learned is that in the long run you won't lose a good friend that way ... avoiding her and stuff only prolongs the hurt i say ...

    it'll take her a while to get over it but it's a myth to think that being a dick is gonna make it faster or easier for her ...
  • keeponrockin
    keeponrockin Posts: 7,446
    soulsinging wrote:
    keeponrockin wrote:
    Um, ok, I thought I'd ask for advice here... I met a girl at a party a few months ago, we fooled around a bit, but we both knew nothing was going to happen because I was shorty going to move away. So we screwed around over the summer, and that was it...

    Long story short, she came to visit the city I'm in now and we slept together twice, and she now claims to love me. I have some feelings for her, but not nearly the ones she does for me. I feel awful and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to. When I come back to visit, she has made it abundantly clear that she wants to screw again, which as fun as it would be, I think would be a bad idea.

    She knows a relationship isn't going to happen, how do I dig myself out of this hole?

    i don't think there's anything to be done but not sleep with her. maybe even go one further and only see her, if at all, for lunch or coffee or something in a totally public place and make it brief and platonic. and make it abundantly clear you don't share her feelings.

    but clearly im not exactly the poster child for doing things right.
    That's what I was thinking to be honest... She wants to hang out next weekend, we might meet at a party or something with a bunch of other people, but that's about it.
    Believe me, when I was growin up, I thought the worst thing you could turn out to be was normal, So I say freaks in the most complementary way. Here's a song by a fellow freak - E.V
  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    decides2dream wrote:
    ooooooooooooooo...you haven't done it yet? :?
    well damn. as nike says.....just do it. seriously.
    i know you've been 'eh' for well over half? your relationship, so in a sense...you have already strung her along a good long while. of course, can also be looked at as your period for trying to make it work, etc, etc. of course, don't tell her that! thing is, it IS the kindest thing you could do. it is also the most responsible/mature thing you can do. you know this of course. if you truly love/care about her, buut overall feel like she is not 'the one' for you, even with your doubts....it's the BESt thing you can do for her and her future happiness. it'll hurt now, but it would hurt MORE, later. you're late 20s now and is she close in age? yes.....primetime for relationship development. don't have her, or you 'waste' more time when deep down, you know she's not the girl for you. THAt is how you show your real love for her, as your friend, b/c you DO want to see her happy. the longer you wait, the more it'll hurt, and the bigger dick you will be....but of course, you already know this. :D good luck!.

    i actually did it last night. but i've been letting her vent a bit because we're in different cities and it's her birthday next week and i feel like an asshole for not doing it face to face and at this time. i know it's not good for me, i can feel like a shit for a day or so while she blows off steam, then she can turn to her friends. but one valuable lesson my ex taught me was that venting can't go on forever. i just worry she'll punch enough guilt buttons in that time that i'll fold like a cheap suit, hehe. thus the wine weed and women!

    but she is 25, and in a great city for being single (any chicagoans want a date with a beautiful and sweet natured girl on the rebound? jk... though she is short on friends in that city since she moved there to be with me) and if she gets the misery out over the winter, i think she will really be better off than if i delude myself into giving it one more shot and do it next year and wrecking her summer or her excitement over starting grad school.
    decides2dream wrote:
    as to the ex, just let it go. she's moved on, you've learned....the apology is unnecessary at this point, life goes on...but good for you that you 'see' that now.

    oh dont worry. im an asshole, not an idiot ;) not talking to her anytime soon if ever. that's the best apology i can give her anyway.
  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    polaris_x wrote:
    the one thing i would add ... regardless of how you perceive yourself ... don't be a dick ... for her to get her closure - you have to be there for her ... which means - when she calls at random times wanting answers - you give them to her honest and to the point (unless you are dumping her for superficial reasons - like weight) ... what i've learned is that in the long run you won't lose a good friend that way ... avoiding her and stuff only prolongs the hurt i say ...

    it'll take her a while to get over it but it's a myth to think that being a dick is gonna make it faster or easier for her ...

    thus why i've been letting her vent and trying to answer her questions. although i have no intention of telling her anything about any other women i may end up seeing (or may have already caught my eye) because i've been there and that is a head fuck like no other. besides while those may have been catalysts, they are not the reason for the split. although i have my limits... i badgered my ex for months and it only made things worse for me because i wasn't letting go. there's a difference between allowing for closure and letting them cling to you even after the split.

    is lack of chemistry a superficial reason? i posted a semi-legendary thread here once on the old board that i hope has been forgotten or you might change your tune about how much of a dick i am about it.
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    soulsinging wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:
    ooooooooooooooo...you haven't done it yet? :?
    well damn. as nike says.....just do it. seriously.
    i know you've been 'eh' for well over half? your relationship, so in a sense...you have already strung her along a good long while. of course, can also be looked at as your period for trying to make it work, etc, etc. of course, don't tell her that! thing is, it IS the kindest thing you could do. it is also the most responsible/mature thing you can do. you know this of course. if you truly love/care about her, buut overall feel like she is not 'the one' for you, even with your doubts....it's the BESt thing you can do for her and her future happiness. it'll hurt now, but it would hurt MORE, later. you're late 20s now and is she close in age? yes.....primetime for relationship development. don't have her, or you 'waste' more time when deep down, you know she's not the girl for you. THAt is how you show your real love for her, as your friend, b/c you DO want to see her happy. the longer you wait, the more it'll hurt, and the bigger dick you will be....but of course, you already know this. :D good luck!.

    i actually did it last night. but i've been letting her vent a bit because we're in different cities and it's her birthday next week and i feel like an asshole for not doing it face to face and at this time. i know it's not good for me, i can feel like a shit for a day or so while she blows off steam, then she can turn to her friends. but one valuable lesson my ex taught me was that venting can't go on forever. i just worry she'll punch enough guilt buttons in that time that i'll fold like a cheap suit, hehe. thus the wine weed and women!

    but she is 25, and in a great city for being single (any chicagoans want a date with a beautiful and sweet natured girl on the rebound? jk... though she is short on friends in that city since she moved there to be with me) and if she gets the misery out over the winter, i think she will really be better off than if i delude myself into giving it one more shot and do it next year and wrecking her summer or her excitement over starting grad school.
    decides2dream wrote:
    as to the ex, just let it go. she's moved on, you've learned....the apology is unnecessary at this point, life goes on...but good for you that you 'see' that now.

    oh dont worry. im an asshole, not an idiot ;) not talking to her anytime soon if ever. that's the best apology i can give her anyway.


    oh ok...whew......
    and the parts i bolded...seriously....you really are growing up.
    now i truly do feel old.
    ;)
    :mrgreen:

    btw - i mean it in the best way possible, total compliment.
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • polaris_x
    polaris_x Posts: 13,559
    soulsinging wrote:
    thus why i've been letting her vent and trying to answer her questions. although i have no intention of telling her anything about any other women i may end up seeing (or may have already caught my eye) because i've been there and that is a head fuck like no other. besides while those may have been catalysts, they are not the reason for the split. although i have my limits... i badgered my ex for months and it only made things worse for me because i wasn't letting go. there's a difference between allowing for closure and letting them cling to you even after the split.

    is lack of chemistry a superficial reason? i posted a semi-legendary thread here once on the old board that i hope has been forgotten or you might change your tune about how much of a dick i am about it.

    lack of chemistry is definitely not a superficial reason ... also - i agree that you can be selective in what you choose to answer ... i'm only going with my experiences - as long as i take the shit that goes with breaking up with someone - in the end we still have a great friendship ...

    i dunno about that thread - all i can say is we all grow up and just because you may have been a dick before - doesn't mean you are one now or will be in the future ... that's for you to decide ...
  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    decides2dream wrote:
    soulsinging wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:
    ooooooooooooooo...you haven't done it yet? :?
    well damn. as nike says.....just do it. seriously.
    i know you've been 'eh' for well over half? your relationship, so in a sense...you have already strung her along a good long while. of course, can also be looked at as your period for trying to make it work, etc, etc. of course, don't tell her that! thing is, it IS the kindest thing you could do. it is also the most responsible/mature thing you can do. you know this of course. if you truly love/care about her, buut overall feel like she is not 'the one' for you, even with your doubts....it's the BESt thing you can do for her and her future happiness. it'll hurt now, but it would hurt MORE, later. you're late 20s now and is she close in age? yes.....primetime for relationship development. don't have her, or you 'waste' more time when deep down, you know she's not the girl for you. THAt is how you show your real love for her, as your friend, b/c you DO want to see her happy. the longer you wait, the more it'll hurt, and the bigger dick you will be....but of course, you already know this. :D good luck!.

    i actually did it last night. but i've been letting her vent a bit because we're in different cities and it's her birthday next week and i feel like an asshole for not doing it face to face and at this time. i know it's not good for me, i can feel like a shit for a day or so while she blows off steam, then she can turn to her friends. but one valuable lesson my ex taught me was that venting can't go on forever. i just worry she'll punch enough guilt buttons in that time that i'll fold like a cheap suit, hehe. thus the wine weed and women!

    but she is 25, and in a great city for being single (any chicagoans want a date with a beautiful and sweet natured girl on the rebound? jk... though she is short on friends in that city since she moved there to be with me) and if she gets the misery out over the winter, i think she will really be better off than if i delude myself into giving it one more shot and do it next year and wrecking her summer or her excitement over starting grad school.
    decides2dream wrote:
    as to the ex, just let it go. she's moved on, you've learned....the apology is unnecessary at this point, life goes on...but good for you that you 'see' that now.

    oh dont worry. im an asshole, not an idiot ;) not talking to her anytime soon if ever. that's the best apology i can give her anyway.


    oh ok...whew......
    and the parts i bolded...seriously....you really are growing up.
    now i truly do feel old.
    ;)
    :mrgreen:

    btw - i mean it in the best way possible, total compliment.

    i know, appreciate it. but i was probably always this grown up, just let my anger and pain and bitterness get the best of me too often. i've never been as sadistic as i wanted. ;)
  • dimitrispearljam
    dimitrispearljam Posts: 139,725
    mmm..this one is difficult..i think in general that pain is more powerfull and strong feeling that happiness..so,its not about dump or to be dumped,,its about pain..sometimes when u dump u release your self to move on..and maybe u feel happy for that..be dumped,was not your choice so the pain comes especially to hit your selfish ego....from the other hand ,when u dump someone and see the pain u provoke,maybe make u feel pain alot,,
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • soulsinging
    soulsinging Posts: 13,202
    dimitrispearljam wrote:
    mmm..this one is difficult..i think in general that pain is more powerfull and strong feeling that happiness..so,its not about dump or to be dumped,,its about pain..sometimes when u dump u release your self to move on..and maybe u feel happy for that..be dumped,was not your choice so the pain comes especially to hit your selfish ego....from the other hand ,when u dump someone and see the pain u provoke,maybe make u feel pain alot,,

    for a guy whose first language isn't even english, you pretty much nailed it it there! :)
  • dimitrispearljam
    dimitrispearljam Posts: 139,725
    soulsinging wrote:
    dimitrispearljam wrote:
    mmm..this one is difficult..i think in general that pain is more powerfull and strong feeling that happiness..so,its not about dump or to be dumped,,its about pain..sometimes when u dump u release your self to move on..and maybe u feel happy for that..be dumped,was not your choice so the pain comes especially to hit your selfish ego....from the other hand ,when u dump someone and see the pain u provoke,maybe make u feel pain alot,,

    for a guy whose first language isn't even english, you pretty much nailed it it there! :)
    i speak the best Greeknglish in the forum.. :D btw,very intresting thread..
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    soulsinging wrote:
    i know, appreciate it. but i was probably always this grown up, just let my anger and pain and bitterness get the best of me too often. i've never been as sadistic as i wanted. ;)



    well maybe deep inside you were that 'grown up'...but.....you let the asshole/pussy side win out and did the hurtful things you used to do in the past! now you ARE making the mature/responsbile choices, ACTing on them, instead of just knowing they are right thing to do......;) but sure, i do believe in board-convo, you affected being the sadistic asshole way more than you probably ever managed in real life. :mrgreen: that's a good thing!

    i think far too often,men and women both.....say 'oh they don't want to hurt someone'...etc, etc....and really, it's simply being a pussy asshole. ok, cowardice to be nicer about it. :D better to let the truth out, nicely, with respect...let feelings be known, then to use someone, or to string someone along, etc. THAT takes balls, and sure, maturity. and now the old broad will shut up. :lol:




    and yes...dimitri is the shit! too bad we never met while you were in NY!
    8-)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • dimitrispearljam
    dimitrispearljam Posts: 139,725
    decides2dream wrote:




    and yes...dimitri is the shit! too bad we never met while you were in NY!
    8-)
    the only fuckin thing in life that dont have a price,cant buy it,u cant pass it ,or give it for a ride..is experience..u got to be in and play the game..thats why Black is the best song ever written from a human being in history of music,couse its about the most pain in the whole world..to fell your heart broke...and the song is the best couse says that u are feeling shit but u find the way ,the power to wish to the other person to find happiness...the same time u ask why can u be the one..couse u are human and u are wick,,feeling small the same time u did something so great..
    and..yep u are right..but i always deside 2 dream ...so next time will not do the same mistake..
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • decides2dream
    decides2dream Posts: 14,977
    dimitrispearljam wrote:
    decides2dream wrote:




    and yes...dimitri is the shit! too bad we never met while you were in NY!
    8-)
    the only fuckin thing in life that dont have a price,cant buy it,u cant pass it ,or give it for a ride..is experience..u got to be in and play the game..thats why Black is the best song ever written from a human being in history of music,couse its about the most pain in the whole world..to fell your heart broke...and the song is the best couse says that u are feeling shit but u find the way ,the power to wish to the other person to find happiness...the same time u ask why can u be the one..couse u are human and u are wick,,feeling small the same time u did something so great..
    and..yep u are right..but i always deside 2 dream ...so next time will not do the same mistake..



    that's some deep shit, man....;)
    seriously, well said.
    ouch.

    and yes, indeed!
    :)
    Stay with me...
    Let's just breathe...


    I am myself like you somehow


  • Brain of J.Lo
    Brain of J.Lo Posts: 3,259
    Wow, so you finally did it! I remember chemistry thread/this whole saga quite well because I know how shitty it feels to dump someone that's basically a great person, but is just not the one for you.

    I don't have anything to add to this days-old conversation, except that I'm happy for you. :) She will heal. You did the only thing you could do, and it was really the best thing for both of you. Just focus on that and you'll be ok. :)
  • Lauri
    Lauri Posts: 748
    soulsinging wrote:
    although i have no intention of telling her anything about any other women i may end up seeing (or may have already caught my eye) because i've been there and that is a head fuck like no other.

    this is probably a good idea. I try to remain friends with exes, but this I can never seem to handle, even if I'm the one responsible for the break up. I broke up with someone 2 years ago, and to this day I can't look at his facebook page because I can't stand the sight of anything about his current girlfriend.
    soulsinging wrote:
    is lack of chemistry a superficial reason?
    isn't that really the only reason to break up? (other than logistical ones and major mental issues...)
    chemistry isn't superficial, it's the opposite.

Categories