to dump, or to be dumped?

dcfaithful

"Have fun, stay single."

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

Lauri wrote:

both suck, but I think being dumped is worse. especially if there's someone else involved.

I used to feel that way... that ripped me up pretty good. I think getting dumped is one thing, but if they leave you for someone else... that's pretty awful. but now... i dunno, i feel pretty shitty on the other end too, in a totally different way.

when you get dumped, to an extent you have a luxury in hating or resenting or blaming the other person. it hurts, bad, but you can take out the pain on them. when you do the dumping... like someone above said, that doesn't go away for me. too much a guilt-prone catholic i guess. and you know you're hurting someone you care about and it kinda makes you feel sick or hate yourself even though you know it's irrational. however, i think it may be a slightly different story if you're not just getting dumped, but being left for someone else... that really pulls the rug out and you wonder how you could have missed it or been so foolish. you can still blame the other person, but part of you also kinda wonders what's wrong with you and why that other person was better... so it's like the worst of both worlds. that one might take the cake.

try to look at it this way:
you know you're not right for each other, so how would it be at all better to keep stringing her along, making her think you may be *the one*...and she just invests more of her time, herself, into you? so sure, it hurts her now, it hurts you now....but honestly, the guilt...you'll get past it as you well should. i think it's far, far worse to string someone along when you realize he or she isn't *it* for you anymore. it WILL get better, for both of you....seperately.

No doubt. But there were times when I was dumped when I really thought I could have been ok with being strung along long enough to try to change their mind... a delusion sure, but it didn't make it any less real at the time. What's the George Costanza quote from Seinfeld? Pity is very underrated

And from a guilt perspective, you make the assumption that the person dumping does know it's not right. What about when you're not totally sure and wonder if you're making a huge mistake? It's not much comfort to tell yourself that in time she'll get over it and appreciate you not stringing her along when part of you keeps wondering if maybe you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work. Or that you're just immature and don't wanna grow up and you're going to pay for it later, hehe.

There's a lot of truth in this thread: time does heal all (or maybe most) wounds. But that's never much comfort to someone that is in the moment.

JordyWordy

I think being dumped, for all the reasons just listed.

That being said, I have yet to master the skill (?) of breaking up with people. Either I'm too damn honest, or im not honest enough.....Despite how well I may know someone, I can never guage how they will handle the truth!
Maybe its just the nature of break ups, but ive only had one mutual break-up ever...and it was fucking ages ago!!

It is horrible to hurt someone, and its even worse when they lash out at you for it, or you lose what used to be a friend, etc. But overall, its much better than not doing it. Carrying the guilt when you want to end it is actually worse than the part where you break up with them. That whole dilemma of figuring out the timing, the wording, the reasons in your own head, what to tell them or not tell them (depending on whether they can handle honesty or not - in my experience many cannot)....it's a horrible feeling.

It's just a necessary part of life. And eventually people should learn that brutal or crushing truths are worth hearing anyway, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Go team!

soulsinging

JordyWordy wrote:

I think being dumped, for all the reasons just listed.

That being said, I have yet to master the skill (?) of breaking up with people. Either I'm too damn honest, or im not honest enough.....Despite how well I may know someone, I can never guage how they will handle the truth!
Maybe its just the nature of break ups, but ive only had one mutual break-up ever...and it was fucking ages ago!!

It is horrible to hurt someone, and its even worse when they lash out at you for it, or you lose what used to be a friend, etc. But overall, its much better than not doing it. Carrying the guilt when you want to end it is actually worse than the part where you break up with them. That whole dilemma of figuring out the timing, the wording, the reasons in your own head, what to tell them or not tell them (depending on whether they can handle honesty or not - in my experience many cannot)....it's a horrible feeling.

It's just a necessary part of life. And eventually people should learn that brutal or crushing truths are worth hearing anyway, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Go team!

I'm definitely opting for partial truth... the vaguest, most general, cliched truths possible.

JordyWordy

soulsinging wrote:

I'm definitely opting for partial truth... the vaguest, most general, cliched truths possible.

Good to hear it! (To clarify, i didnt mean being totally truthful where it can be avoided, but sometimes it cant). The cliches are famous for good reason, stick to the lines and dont get dragged in any further it you can!

iamsam_pj

being dumped is pretty harsh...i guess i've never really dealt with dumping someone that i was in a serious relationship with, but i'm a big fan of not stringing things along. if things aren't working out...then i'd much rather end things than have someone try and see if things eventually get better or try and not hurt my feelings. i'll get over it!

i don't know. being dumped and then have your ex jump into another relationship is ridiculously hard!! happened to me...they got engaged before we ever broke up with each other (we were engaged too??!). i knew that things wouldn't work out between us...but that was a harsh thing to get over.

it takes time...but it's possible.

soulsinging

JordyWordy wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

I'm definitely opting for partial truth... the vaguest, most general, cliched truths possible.

Good to hear it! (To clarify, i didnt mean being totally truthful where it can be avoided, but sometimes it cant). The cliches are famous for good reason, stick to the lines and dont get dragged in any further it you can!

yeah, makes me think of the seinfeld episode where kramer is tearing into his gf with brutal honesty during a breakup and then ends up in tears begging her to take him back after she starts bawling, hehe.

soulsinging

iamsam_pj wrote:

being dumped is pretty harsh...i guess i've never really dealt with dumping someone that i was in a serious relationship with, but i'm a big fan of not stringing things along. if things aren't working out...then i'd much rather end things than have someone try and see if things eventually get better or try and not hurt my feelings. i'll get over it!

i don't know. being dumped and then have your ex jump into another relationship is ridiculously hard!! happened to me...they got engaged before we ever broke up with each other (we were engaged too??!). i knew that things wouldn't work out between us...but that was a harsh thing to get over.

it takes time...but it's possible.

oh yeah, i plan to keep any dates i go on top secret. doesn't matter if it's serious or we're on our way to the altar, that info is not going to get to her if i can help it. it's an awful feeling when you still have feelings for someone.

Drowned Out

pretty back-handed way of letting the board know you're single again, ss

dcfaithful wrote:

"Have fun, stay single."

I agree....
Not taking exclusivity lightly has helped with the dumpee/dumper issue. I've been single for three years, and leaving myself outs (ie: not committing in the first place) has helped a lot over my previous single periods...

soulsinging

Drowned Out wrote:

pretty back-handed way of letting the board know you're single again, ss

dcfaithful wrote:

"Have fun, stay single."

I agree....
Not taking exclusivity lightly has helped with the dumpee/dumper issue. I've been single for three years, and leaving myself outs (ie: not committing in the first place) has helped a lot over my previous single periods...

Tough to be with someone 3 years and not commit

Didn't mean for this to be about me announcing my arrival on the market, hehe. Just been feeling like a complete piece of shit the last 24 hours. Well, more so than usual.

Drowned Out

soulsinging wrote:

Tough to be with someone 3 years and not commit

Didn't mean for this to be about me announcing my arrival on the market, hehe. Just been feeling like a complete piece of shit the last 24 hours. Well, more so than usual.

sure sure :P
see, that's where you went wrong - sticking around so long Sorry to hear it's got you down....
I think the recovery from being the dumper is much quicker than for the dumpee....but there is a bonus outcome for the dumpee that the dumper doesn't have: an excuse to be a slut for a few months...
(sorry, that probably doesnt' make you feel much better )

soulsinging

Drowned Out wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

Tough to be with someone 3 years and not commit

Didn't mean for this to be about me announcing my arrival on the market, hehe. Just been feeling like a complete piece of shit the last 24 hours. Well, more so than usual.

sure sure :P
see, that's where you went wrong - sticking around so long Sorry to hear it's got you down....
I think the recovery from being the dumper is much quicker than for the dumpee....but there is a bonus outcome for the dumpee that the dumper doesn't have: an excuse to be a slut for a few months...
(sorry, that probably doesnt' make you feel much better )

it kinda does actually. the girl was my best friend for years before we started dating and i want nothing more than for her to be happy. apparently except for me to be happy. if she goes out and sluts around and it helps her get over it, i'll be the first to cheer her on.

i won't lie though... i plan to fully enjoy the single life.

tybird

Dump...if you dump the wrong one. :twisted:

decides2dream

soulsinging wrote:

No doubt. But there were times when I was dumped when I really thought I could have been ok with being strung along long enough to try to change their mind... a delusion sure, but it didn't make it any less real at the time. What's the George Costanza quote from Seinfeld? Pity is very underrated

And from a guilt perspective, you make the assumption that the person dumping does know it's not right. What about when you're not totally sure and wonder if you're making a huge mistake? It's not much comfort to tell yourself that in time she'll get over it and appreciate you not stringing her along when part of you keeps wondering if maybe you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work. Or that you're just immature and don't wanna grow up and you're going to pay for it later, hehe.

There's a lot of truth in this thread: time does heal all (or maybe most) wounds. But that's never much comfort to someone that is in the moment.

that's simply life my friend.
obviously, there always IS wonder...but again, even amongst the wonder, if you right now do not feel up to "you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work" well that right there is your answer - she's not worth it to you. seriously. it really IS that simple. we work and work at it, until we just can't, or won't, anymore. for some, that may last a week, for others...a lifetime.


and nope, no real comfort in it in the moment, but it's good to keep in mind.

iamsam_pj wrote:

being dumped is pretty harsh...i guess i've never really dealt with dumping someone that i was in a serious relationship with, but i'm a big fan of not stringing things along. if things aren't working out...then i'd much rather end things than have someone try and see if things eventually get better or try and not hurt my feelings. i'll get over it!

pretty much spot on what i was thinking/trying to convey! while i am sure i have hurt a few in my time, i am also quite sure they got over it. and i don't mean for that to sound harsh, just realistic. i know even when i've been utterly crazy about someone and it didn't work out, you bet....my feelings were crushed at the time, but yes...i got over it. i think it far, far worse....especially the older you get...to string things along. you *know* when you are with the person you really want to be with. you do. and, hopefully, you both feel the same. doesn't mean you rush out to get married tomorrow, but it just means you know. and every day you don't, yet in an exclusive commited relationship...well, all the more time you are sucking up of this other person's life. yes, it's your life too...but you're the one unsure or want out. thus why i think in the long-run, kinder to just move on.

decides2dream

soulsinging wrote:

it kinda does actually. the girl was my best friend for years before we started dating and i want nothing more than for her to be happy. apparently except for me to be happy. if she goes out and sluts around and it helps her get over it, i'll be the first to cheer her on.

i won't lie though... i plan to fully enjoy the single life.

and she WILL be happy, in time. sure, she's probably heart-broken now, but yes...she will get over you. in all seriousness, you ARE 'helping her to be happy'....b/c who truly would want to spend the rest of their lives with someone full of doubts, or who is not head-over-heels in love with you now? long-term relationships/marriages can and often are difficult enough, for people who were/are madly in love...so if you are not feeling it now, you did her a favor by walking away. this way, ultimately, she WILL find the man who truly loves and appreciates her as is, and wants to spend his days making her happy. it's the mature and responsible choice. thus why it sucks so much now. that's the truth of it.


and yes, ENJOY!
always enjoy whatever you got going on!

Stone Is God

I'd rather dump than be dumped. If you dump someone you've already thought about it and you've most likely checked out with your emotions. It sucks to hurt someone but usually you do it like a band aid...one rip and right off. To get dumped you usually feel like a bigger piece of shit because you feel like you're not good enough for the person that you like. That really sucks balls.

Either way it blows.

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

that's simply life my friend.
obviously, there always IS wonder...but again, even amongst the wonder, if you right now do not feel up to "you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work" well that right there is your answer - she's not worth it to you. seriously. it really IS that simple. we work and work at it, until we just can't, or won't, anymore. for some, that may last a week, for others...a lifetime.

and nope, no real comfort in it in the moment, but it's good to keep in mind.

I don't believe anything is truly simple when it comes to human emotion, but i do get what you're saying. and yeah, doesnt make me feel any less shitty about it at the moment. but you are about the 20th person after all of the friends i have that know my situation to tell me this, hehe. everyone agrees and they're all right. but it still doesn't make it a whole lot easier to break the news to someone you love knowing it will devestate them.

keeponrockin

Um, ok, I thought I'd ask for advice here... I met a girl at a party a few months ago, we fooled around a bit, but we both knew nothing was going to happen because I was shorty going to move away. So we screwed around over the summer, and that was it...

Long story short, she came to visit the city I'm in now and we slept together twice, and she now claims to love me. I have some feelings for her, but not nearly the ones she does for me. I feel awful and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to. When I come back to visit, she has made it abundantly clear that she wants to screw again, which as fun as it would be, I think would be a bad idea.

She knows a relationship isn't going to happen, how do I dig myself out of this hole?

decides2dream

soulsinging wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

that's simply life my friend.
obviously, there always IS wonder...but again, even amongst the wonder, if you right now do not feel up to "you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work" well that right there is your answer - she's not worth it to you. seriously. it really IS that simple. we work and work at it, until we just can't, or won't, anymore. for some, that may last a week, for others...a lifetime.

and nope, no real comfort in it in the moment, but it's good to keep in mind.

I don't believe anything is truly simple when it comes to human emotion, but i do get what you're saying. and yeah, doesnt make me feel any less shitty about it at the moment. but you are about the 20th person after all of the friends i have that know my situation to tell me this, hehe. everyone agrees and they're all right. but it still doesn't make it a whole lot easier to break the news to someone you love knowing it will devestate them.

of course not.
this is all to make you feel better, stupid.



bottomline, you are the first to admit what an asshole you are ...so just think, you did her a big favor. hahahahaha.



keeponrockin'''don't be a dick. don't screw around with her again and tell her you're sorry, but you don;t feel the same way about her and it's best this way. always the best choice. i think not being a pussy about these things IS always the kindest thing to do. it's just really hard, b/c no one likes to reject others or be rejected, but being used is worse.

soulsinging

decides2dream wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

that's simply life my friend.
obviously, there always IS wonder...but again, even amongst the wonder, if you right now do not feel up to "you could have done a little bit more or worked a little bit harder or changed a little bit to make things work" well that right there is your answer - she's not worth it to you. seriously. it really IS that simple. we work and work at it, until we just can't, or won't, anymore. for some, that may last a week, for others...a lifetime.

and nope, no real comfort in it in the moment, but it's good to keep in mind.

I don't believe anything is truly simple when it comes to human emotion, but i do get what you're saying. and yeah, doesnt make me feel any less shitty about it at the moment. but you are about the 20th person after all of the friends i have that know my situation to tell me this, hehe. everyone agrees and they're all right. but it still doesn't make it a whole lot easier to break the news to someone you love knowing it will devestate them.

of course not.
this is all to make you feel better, stupid.


bottomline, you are the first to admit what an asshole you are ...so just think, you did her a big favor. hahahahaha.

oh i've tried telling her that. don't know why she won't believe me!