Help me Understand my wife

share · June 2008

pjhawks wrote:

sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?

I don't think calling a woman a c*** is a "plausible" reason for
her behaviour.

'hey doc, my wife is having some emotional problems, what's your
diagnosis"

"hmmm, I don't know, maybe she's just a c***"

sorry, not buying it.

jbalicki10 · June 2008

the wolf wrote:

anyone who could hear that story and say it sounds like there is no hope in sight, ..............well, i just dont think it would take much to drive you out of a relationship.
people go through and survive much worse things than this in relationships and all turns out good. so that you can look at it and say "no hope in sight" says it all i think.

You probably never had a relationship with anyone who did hardcore drugs. Trust me, sometime there is no hope in sight when it crosses a line.

the wolf · June 2008

jbalicki10 wrote:

You probably never had a relationship with anyone who did hardcore drugs. Trust me, sometime there is no hope in sight when it crosses a line.

okay, thats different, i didnt hear him say one thing about his wife having a harcore drug addiction. lol. so in his case, to say ""no hope in sight" is ........silly.

how you can bring that into this shows that you are talking from a bad experience in you're own life and not really offering advice relitave to his problem.

pjhawks · June 2008

the wolf wrote:

considering that it seems that everything was good up till the job change and new baby, id say its not a " BS possiable made up health reason".

the change in the job and a newborn is a lot for her to deal with.

so the PPD is very much plausible. imo.

i didn't say in this case it was a bs made up reason - it may or may not be ppd - but it also may or may not be what i said.

i apologize for saying what i said because it was stupid to bring it up in this forum. i realize that now.

the wolf · June 2008

pjhawks wrote:

i didn't say in this case it was a bs made up reason - it may or may not be ppd - but it also may or may not be what i said.

i apologize for saying what i said because it was stupid to bring it up in this forum. i realize that now.

its all good.

pjhawks · June 2008

share wrote:

I don't think calling a woman a c*** is a "plausible" reason for
her behaviour.

'hey doc, my wife is having some emotional problems, what's your
diagnosis"

"hmmm, I don't know, maybe she's just a c***"

sorry, not buying it.

come on some people are just bad people - it is a plausible possible reason - or are you one of these people who thinks every bad thing someone does is blamed on something else?

and I never said PPD was a made up bs reason. i said it could be what i said or some made u bs reason - never equating PPD with a made up reason. Maybe I just wrote it wrong.

see my post above where I apologized for my original post - clearly this was not a forum to make that comment regardless if that is what my initial thoughts on the situation were.

share · June 2008

pjhawks wrote:

come on some people are just bad people - it is a plausible possible reason - or are you one of these people who thinks every bad thing someone does is blamed on something else?

and I never said PPD was a made up bs reason. i said it could be what i said or some made u bs reason - never equating PPD with a made up reason. Maybe I just wrote it wrong.

see my post above where I apologized for my original post - clearly this was not a forum to make that comment regardless if that is what my initial thoughts on the situation were.

I commend you on your apology for saying his wife is a c***.
I never commented on any of the other stuff you just wrote.

justam · June 2008

MrMerkinball wrote:

I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.

I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.

My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).

We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.

Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.

I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.

Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).

On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.

In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.

2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.

At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:

She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.

She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.

She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).

She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).

She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.

When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.

When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.

When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".

She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.

None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.

It sounds to me like this could be one of several things. First, it could be that she's been feeling like this for a while and this was the last straw. Second, it could be that she's just using this as an excuse because she really wants to end it for some other reason.

You probably need to talk to her to find out what the truth really is. If it's the first thought, you have a chance. If it's the second, there's probably not much you can do to work it out.

Either way, I'm sorry for ya.

Heineken Helen · July 2008

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

For a lot of women, it's really hard to admit that they are overwhelmed or feeling depressed in a way that is related to their new baby. As a result, it's easier to direct the bad feelings towards the people around you.

There's still a lot of stigma attached to this. Mothers tend to think that if they can't cope, it makes them look like a bad mother and therefore a lesser person. Sad but true!

Heineken Helen · July 2008

MrMerkinball wrote:

3pm

Thank you all. I am really glad I posted here today - there has been some great insight and I truly appreciate your time.

I am going home early today and I have arranged to take tomorrow off.

Hopefully something good will happen.

Good luck

given2fly78 · July 2008

Wow, I can totally relate.

I took a job back in November which I had to basically build my own business. Make or break time. And I've succeeded. But before I did it, my husband and I talked pretty long and hard about what it meant. Long hours, always on the phone, having to make sacrifices in my personal life, lack of vacation or days off, etc. But the payoff - money, self satisfaction, goals, blah blah blah, seemed to outweigh the negatives. Not to mention, where I live and my age, it's a great opportunity and not many people get to do what I do and are successful.

He said go for it.

Well, now that it's been 7 months things have changed. My husband complains that I'm always on the phone, I'm never home, when I'm home I'm distracted, I can never do anything.

Trust me, it gets old for me too. Case in point - I was on my way to Mansfield yesterday and had to turn around because I couldn't stop the work calls. That's the sacrifices I have to make. (I was NOT happy!).

But it needs to be talked out. She needs to understand that it's not always fun for YOU either. That was how I had to present it to my husband. After listening to him complain for about 5 months, I finally said to him that I get sick of it too, but I'm trying to secure a future for us. I'm taking advantage of an opportunity that not many people get. For US.

I think you need to talk to her. Make her see that it's not just about you. It's for her and your family. We need to grab opportunity while we can. And with that comes sacrifice. It's not easy, it's not fun. But we make the best of it. And it's workable.

Good luck, I feel for you!

jbalicki10 · July 2008

Any updates???

you are · July 2008

jbalicki10 wrote:

Any updates???

no, he took the day off, we should hear something tomorrow and hopefully it will be positive.

meistereder · July 2008

I have a friend who was in the same (almost the exact same) situation. New job, three kids (one a baby). Wife started getting restless when his hours went up. He was stressed because of the new responsibilities and the fact that he was supporting everyone on his own. Almost to a tee. I like his wife a lot. She was always very cool and I always thought they had a good relationship.

So his wife moved out a couple months ago, in with her parents, took all 3 kids with her, and he was just served with divorce papers. She is going for full custody plus $6,000 a month in spousal support and child support.

My friend is a very loving father, and of course agrees that the kids need to be taken care of. He never sees them anymore. And he can't afford $6,000 a month (plus her attorney's fees). The wife is now going on extravagent vacations (using the shared credit card), leaving the kids with her parents, and not returning calls.

This is a relationship that was what most would consider a great relationship up to about 6 months ago. So sad.

Good luck to the OP. I really hope this doesn't happen to you. No one deserves that.

jbalicki10 · July 2008

meistereder wrote:

I have a friend who was in the same (almost the exact same) situation. New job, three kids (one a baby). Wife started getting restless when his hours went up. He was stressed because of the new responsibilities and the fact that he was supporting everyone on his own. Almost to a tee. I like his wife a lot. She was always very cool and I always thought they had a good relationship.

So his wife moved out a couple months ago, in with her parents, took all 3 kids with her, and he was just served with divorce papers. She is going for full custody plus $6,000 a month in spousal support and child support.

My friend is a very loving father, and of course agrees that the kids need to be taken care of. He never sees them anymore. And he can't afford $6,000 a month (plus her attorney's fees). The wife is now going on extravagent vacations (using the shared credit card), leaving the kids with her parents, and not returning calls.

This is a relationship that was what most would consider a great relationship up to about 6 months ago. So sad.

Good luck to the OP. I really hope this doesn't happen to you. No one deserves that.

This is just another example of why I always suggest building a premptive War Chest if you feel it's going down that path. Be truthful to yourself. However be open to reconciliation.

MrMerkinball · July 2008

you are wrote:

no, he took the day off, we should hear something tomorrow and hopefully it will be positive.

yesterday it got worse

Today a little better

can't talk now...thanks for thinking of me.

Cosmo · July 2008

You know... I meet a lot of women who are 'separated' or recently divorced and a common thread is a 'stay at home mom'. They feel neglected and not as important to the husband as his job is to him. She can never compete with an occupation or career. and her job never ends. She is always at work and she is always working.
Then, here I come... I bring her flowers and take her out to dinner and we go dancing or to listen to live music. She feels free from her job as housewife/mom.
...
That's what YOU need to do. Well, first off... you need to talk to her... no... you need to LISTEN to her. Mends things.
Then, you need to be her husband... and then, some. You need to do the thing I do for her. Bring her flowers... just for the heck of it. Don't wait for some bullshit occasion... just stop by the supermarket and pick ou a bundle of flowers. Get a sitter for the kids and take her out on a date... doesn't have to be someplace expensive... just someplace nice. And it'd be nice if she gets all dressed up.
This doesn't have to be every night... more like on a regular basis. Budget it into your household expenses.
Don't make her go out with a dirty old tomcat like me... treat her like a lady.

Cosmo · July 2008

jbalicki10 wrote:

I will give you 4 words of advice that you will be forever be grateful for...

START HIDING MONEY NOW!!!!

For all you people thinking of marriage... Please visit: http://www.nomarriage.com

Thank you

...
Great. Let's throw some dishonesty into the mix.
Some people believe money is not the most important thing in life.

Heineken Helen · July 2008

MrMerkinball wrote:

yesterday it got worse

Today a little better

can't talk now...thanks for thinking of me.

hmmm... I hope the 'little better' outweighs the 'worse'

PJaddicted · July 2008

She could be suffering from post partum depression. You may want to look at a list of the symptoms, and possibly give her Gynecologist a call. Also in all marriages things go up and down many many times, believe me....I've been married 26 years and have almost raised four sons(not done quite yet 14 & 17 year olds). It is especially hard when you have so many needy little kids, they tend to wear you out if your hubby isn't around a lot. You might want to give her a bit to cool off and see if she comes to her senses. In the meantime....you should check into getting someone to talk to for yourself. I wish you luck.

oxc

Help me Understand my wife

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