Help me Understand my wife

PJaddicted

Cosmo wrote:

You know... I meet a lot of women who are 'separated' or recently divorced and a common thread is a 'stay at home mom'. They feel neglected and not as important to the husband as his job is to him. She can never compete with an occupation or career. and her job never ends. She is always at work and she is always working.
Then, here I come... I bring her flowers and take her out to dinner and we go dancing or to listen to live music. She feels free from her job as housewife/mom.
...
That's what YOU need to do. Well, first off... you need to talk to her... no... you need to LISTEN to her. Mends things.
Then, you need to be her husband... and then, some. You need to do the thing I do for her. Bring her flowers... just for the heck of it. Don't wait for some bullshit occasion... just stop by the supermarket and pick ou a bundle of flowers. Get a sitter for the kids and take her out on a date... doesn't have to be someplace expensive... just someplace nice. And it'd be nice if she gets all dressed up.
This doesn't have to be every night... more like on a regular basis. Budget it into your household expenses.
Don't make her go out with a dirty old tomcat like me... treat her like a lady.

WOW Truly awesome advice!!! My hubby always brought me flowers the entire time the kids were little!!!

oxc

MrMerkinball

Hello,

I am truly appreciative of all of the comments and advice that has been forthcoming over the past couple of days. I didn't expect that.

I have also received numerous PM's from quite a few people and the amount of support and kindness on this Website is not something that should be taken for granted. This is a special place indeed.

I am also happy that almost no one (and the one who did HAS apologized) has insulted my wife. I am not here to complain about her.

I should Respond to a couple of suggestions:

* I litterally bring home flowers - or dinner - or gifts once a week to show my appreciation.
* There was a suggestion that this is related to being a stay at home mom. She is currently on Mat leave for year. She is a nurse and loves her job - but also loves being away for a year - paid.
* to the girl who turned down Camden I for work - that's fucking crazy:)

So......

The last two days have been a roller coaster for the two of us.

Things continued on the same path Monday night but were much more animated and extreme. By the time I went to bed on Monday - I was numb and quite sure that there was nothing I could do to turn this around.

My best option - and was emphasized by almost everyone who responded here - was some sort of professional help. This was violently turned down.

Moving and or changing jobs - again turned down.

Literally everything I said was met with a negative response - even when my entire tone was all about being supportive.

On Tuesday morning, things started off bad again - but at some point things turned a touch. We actually ended up having an OK day in the sun with the kids. By Sundown I thought we were making some progress. Then - It went south AGAIN. More of the same, and I went to bed. I was awoken at about midnight and things were much better - and today - even better than that.

I did promise to:
* learn to delegate a bit better - I tend to protect those who report to me from work.
* Strategically book our vacation throughout the year
* I suggested that we sign ourselves up to a Golf League and Gourmet Cooking lessons - time for us, and away from the kids.
* I promised to get home before 6pm once a week.

At first - she liked it -then she said it was stupid

I now truly beleive that I am dealing with some form of depression or massive mood swing. I have never seen anything like it. 3 days ago we were best friends, 2 days ago she hated me and all that I stood for.

Everyone has mood swings - and honestly - I am used to getting in trouble from time to time - and usually once a month so to speak. But this was entirely different.

I think this thread (and topic) has moved from - "Help me understand my wife" - to "Help me understand Depression". Where did this come from? What do I do?

Thanks again

you are

she really needs to see her doctor if it is PPD, depression, or whatever. she may just need to be on meds temporarily to get herself back to normal. talk to her doctor and maybe the doctor will know how to approach this situation.

Brain of J.Lo

After reading this update, and your feelings on the issue of possible depression...

I think that if I were in your position, I would contact her OB-GYN. I know it probably seems weird, going behind her back like that, but it might be your best option right now. Like Helen said, there is a huge stigma about asking for help with PPD, and a lot of women try really hard to hide it. Also, like I said before, it's entirely possible that she is being a bit more candid with her doctor (if she has a good relationship with the doctor) and that the doctor might already have some clues as to what's going on with your wife's state of mind.

I hope you get some answers soon, and I wish you the best.

MrMerkinball

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

After reading this update, and your feelings on the issue of possible depression...

I think that if I were in your position, I would contact her OB-GYN. I know it probably seems weird, going behind her back like that, but it might be your best option right now. Like Helen said, there is a huge stigma about asking for help with PPD, and a lot of women try really hard to hide it. Also, like I said before, it's entirely possible that she is being a bit more candid with her doctor (if she has a good relationship with the doctor) and that the doctor might already have some clues as to what's going on with your wife's state of mind.

I hope you get some answers soon, and I wish you the best.

Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.

I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.

niner

wow, I really feel for you. You sound like a great guy & husband/father. I think she is overwhelmed with having to adjust with the last 4 months. Perhaps a bit of post-partim is there too, although she will never admit it. (had it myself after my first) Sounds like you are doing everything right. I would suggest seeking a counselor for yourself. Sometimes you need to know how to deal with someone. Its easier to modify your behavior instead of trying to change someone else's behavior for now. You may just need to tell her that love her more than anything else and you want to help her when she's ready. I'm sure you've done that already but just one quick, stare into her sole sentence that will maybe make her realize how lucky she is. She may like watching you squirm in a way too. She may be trying to get your attention in a different way and since you already give her positive attention she may not be phased by that anymore and sees it as part of her norm. She could be VERY TIRED too and that's making her moody. My kids are 16 mos apart and I swear I recently caught up on all the hours of lost sleep.
I truly hope this all work out for you. Best wishes to you both.

BetterThanYou

i haven't read all the responses, just a few. i gotta agree with PPD. i wouldn't do anything rash, like moving out or anything. just keep talking with her, maybe get her to see a doctor. one thing i strongly suggest, is keep her off any anti depressants. my wife went on paxil after our first child was born and it turned her into a fucking zombie. she wasn't sad anymore, but she also didn't give a shit about anything. all she wanted to do was sleep. it also made her mind wander like a mofo. while she was on that shit, she was in 3 different car accidents.

you are

BetterThanYou wrote:

i haven't read all the responses, just a few. i gotta agree with PPD. i wouldn't do anything rash, like moving out or anything. just keep talking with her, maybe get her to see a doctor. one thing i strongly suggest, is keep her off any anti depressants. my wife went on paxil after our first child was born and it turned her into a fucking zombie. she wasn't sad anymore, but she also didn't give a shit about anything. all she wanted to do was sleep. it also made her mind wander like a mofo. while she was on that shit, she was in 3 different car accidents.

well, if you get on the right medicine and the right dose then you shouldn't be like a zombie. i'm just saying that because i can't function normally without my meds and i don't feel drugged at all. i did have to go through a few different prescriptions first, but i finally got it figured out and it's changed my life in a good way. i feel like i'm finally who i'm supposed to be.

Fifthelement

MrMerkinball wrote:

Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.

I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.

You are a wise man. Good luck. Good vibes coming your way . . .

MrMerkinball

ah fuck

when should I break it to her That Eddie's Toronto date is on her birthday?

you are

MrMerkinball wrote:

ah fuck

when should I break it to her That Eddie's Toronto date is on her birthday?

is she a fan? if not, you may want to think about skipping it for her...:( i mean, it is her birthday and in her state of mind right now, she could go from OK, to not OK at all. in the end, the not OK would win and she would hold that against you.

SiNAMONGiRL67

if you are wise you best be getting her a ticket to join in on the fun. find/arrange for a sitter on thaat day and TAKE HER OUT!! after all it IS her birthday!! combine the fun if you can. make it memorable . She deserves and needs a break away from being a serious person. just one day can turn things around.
she needs some REAL HER TIME...to find herself again..to be who she is and who she used to be PRE- CHILDREN.....................
You still in a sense get to be you. MOM on the other hand is ALWAYS MOM!!!
good luck!
I am a great giver of FREE advice and counsel..

Heineken Helen

MrMerkinball wrote:

Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.

I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.

I'm glad to hear that. Seriously I feel quite worried for you (not that I mean something bad's gonna happen... but it sounds like you feel so helpless)... I don't know what kinda relationship you have with her family but is there any chance you could talk to her mom or a sister and perhaps, if such a situation is possible, one of them may be due 'a visit' for a week or so?

And I definitely agree with contacting her obgyn

IDgotI

MrMerkinball wrote:

I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.

Big time +1. Your follow up post makes it sound like this is a situation where you are going to need some support too in order to navigate this.

Hope everything goes the way that works best for all concerned. Best wishes... best vibes.

anotherclone

MrMerkinball wrote:

Yeah - I am so used to being 100% honest with her - that would seem very strange. This is so out of charactor.

I forgot to mention - with no offense to everyone here (becuase there is great advice here)- I am going to sit down with a counsellor just myself this week. I don't think I can handle this on my own.

I see a lot of folks are giving you kudos for your decision on counseling for yourself and I totally agree.

When I was married to my first husband and I asked him to go to counseling, he declined. So, I decided to go by myself to help me think things through and make sure MY thinking wasn't flawed and maybe get some tools to coping with everything I was thinking and feeling.

It was the BEST thing I ever did.

Keep on, keepin' on.

JaneNY

I've read page 1 and page 5. It looks like the others have the depression advice covered.

I'd like to add that she can't kick you out. Its your house too. You can kind of be separate in the house for a while if you have to, but you don't have to leave.

I'm sure she is feeling very overwhelmed. That's a lot of little kids to be home with. It used to be quite hard for me when I was stay at home with 2 little kids. Babies cry all the time and you can't get anything done, and you're time is not your own. With a 4 month old, she's probably having a hard time even getting her shower in. This is something that women who stay home with kids experience the worst of everyone. You can still come and go as you please but she can't. But I can say this passes. My girls are now 18 and 14 and we have been married close to 27 years. Our relationship isn't perfect, but sometimes just time passing and situations easing helps, if you can just ride it out. It has been my experience that talking it out with the person ad nauseum doesn't always help.

p.s. I've been to Toronto quite a few times and I know how bad traffic is - can you use the train at all?

decides2dream

wow, definitely sounds like a rough ride, but quite honestly, reading your update...i am hopeful for you! truly! it DOES sound like mood-swings and/or depression, she is overwhelmed, etc. sounds like at this moment, she is not 100% on ANYthing she wants, and is lashing out, speaking out...probably for you to help her through. it will be difficult, but i really think you can get back. i hope you can get some help for yourself, for her and as a couple. keep us posted and good luck!

MrMerkinball

Hello

Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.

I am talking to someone to help me through.

She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).

She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.

I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.

Thanks for listening a few weeks back.

Rygar

MrMerkinball wrote:

Hello

Things seem sort of back to normal - although it is really strained still at home.

I am talking to someone to help me through.

She knows and ackowledges she hurt me and admits that some of what she was doing doesn't make sense. She still refuses to see any counselor. (I think she knows that she was being irrational).

She is on to this thing where she says I would be happier with someone who could be more supportive of my career. She knows that I would be miserable without her and my family.

I have made arrangements to leave work early 2 times/week over the next little while and we have made better arrangements to have some child-less times together. This seems to be helping.

Thanks for listening a few weeks back.

A bit brighter, hopefully things keep improving.
Good luck!

AmentsChick

Well it's something. I hope things continue to improve! Keep us posted.