Help me Understand my wife

jbalicki10

I will give you 4 words of advice that you will be forever be grateful for...

START HIDING MONEY NOW!!!!

For all you people thinking of marriage... Please visit: http://www.nomarriage.com

Thank you

decides2dream

:(

wow...i am so sorry to read this. i only read your first post, so forgive me if it's been covered. as a long-married and also thru some truly difficult times....and also once close to calling it quits, i empathize.


you have a LOT on your plate. so does your wife. obviously all of this has been building up and festering. she just dumped all this on you in an instant and is a lot to process. she probably has been thinking about it a long time and sadly let it build and build. you offer all excellent suggestions. for right now, i suggest just go along with sleeping in the guestroom, give her some space/time to mull over your suggestions even tho she initially rejected them all. be the good man you are, spend time with your kids, just keep on keeping on. then, ask her to set aside a time to have a real heart-to-heart. she may try to resist, but just calmly say at the very least you want to understand and that you both owe it to each other to discuss it all calmly. once again, make your suggestions. really listen to her. try and have her listen to you. REALLY suggest counseling! again and again! let her see how truly sincere and dedicated you are to staying a copuple and a family. it may or may not work. it will be a hard rowad even if it does work...it will be devasting if it doesn't...but the only person you can change is yourself. if she ultimately wants to walk away, there's not much, if anything., you can do to change that.


i truly wish you the very BEST...and i hope you can salvage your marriage and your family-life...the most precious of gifts.

Brain of J.Lo

jbalicki10 wrote:

I will give you 4 words of advice that you will be forever be grateful for...

START HIDING MONEY NOW!!!!

For all you people thinking of marriage... Please visit: http://www.nomarriage.com

Thank you

I have to say I think you are way out of line posting something like this in this thread.

The OP is obviously going through something and needs some support. It's not something to joke about.

jbalicki10

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

I have to say I think you are way out of line posting something like this in this thread.

The OP is obviously going through something and needs some support. It's not something to joke about.

Sorry not joking... I think he might be in trouble and his wife is setting him up for divorce. She is already using the kids against him. I feel sorry for the guy and I offer him my sympathy. It's time for him to build his war chest just in case. I hope they can work things out.

BTW: Take careful note of how your wife is acting. Is she wearing more makeup than usual? Working out?

MrMerkinball

jbalicki10 wrote:

Sorry not joking... I think he might be in trouble and his wife is setting him up for divorce. She is already using the kids against him. I feel sorry for the guy and I offer him my sympathy. It's time for him to build his war chest just in case. I hope they can work things out.

BTW: Take careful note of how your wife is acting. Is she wearing more makeup than usual? Working out?

Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.

Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet

My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.

jbalicki10

MrMerkinball wrote:

Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.

Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet

My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.

Good to hear this. I am glad that things can work out. Here is the woman's point of view:


A) Wife Agrees to your work arrangement
Wife no longer has hubby around. Feels lonely.
C) Wife feels detached from hubby's life and distant. Like he's a visitor not husband.
D) Wife is now paying the price of her agreement. Doesn't feel obligated anymore. Makes up excuses in her head of how bad it is. (IE Geez I gotta stay home and watch the kids all the time while hubby is enjoying his work life)
E) Wife is now jealous of husband and treats him like visitor to make a point.
F) Wife see's hubby now paying more attention to work than her and is getting more jealous
G) Circle of life goes on...

anotherclone

My opinion is that it's not about the phone call or the job or whatever excuse she mentioned.

A relationship does not go from 100% to "I want out" overnight and without a reason on her part. I'm not blaming either one of you for anything in any way , but I am saying something might have set her wheels turning in this direction some time ago. Women (I'm a woman) tend to think things through before they clue men in. In other words, I can't imagine she is doing/saying this impuslively and without any forethought.

You offered to go to counseling. Did she give you a reason that she did not want to go to counseling? I didn't notice if you mentioned that, but I feel like you deserve a reason for her not wanting to go. It takes two to fix it, if it needs fixing, and if you are offering to go to counseling, that is better than a lot of people would do. It takes a big person to want to sit down and talk about how to change things, if it needs changing.

I think maybe you can let things cool off a few days and collect your own thoughts and how you want to approach this. Then maybe have a sit-down with her and see what's going on. I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.

Be sure to use your "I" statements...things like "I feel..." or "I think..." and avoid things like "you aren't talking to me". The "you" statement automatically puts anyone on the defensive. "I" statements tell someone how you think or feel, then you are taking ownership of your feelings. That type of approach is hard to discount. If that makes any sense.

Best of luck.

decides2dream

anotherclone wrote:

My opinion is that it's not about the phone call or the job or whatever excuse she mentioned.

A relationship does not go from 100% to "I want out" overnight and without a reason on her part. I'm not blaming either one of you for anything in any way , but I am saying something might have set her wheels turning in this direction some time ago. Women (I'm a woman) tend to think things through before they clue men in. In other words, I can't imagine she is doing/saying this impuslively and without any forethought.

You offered to go to counseling. Did she give you a reason that she did not want to go to counseling? I didn't notice if you mentioned that, but I feel like you deserve a reason for her not wanting to go. It takes two to fix it, if it needs fixing, and if you are offering to go to counseling, that is better than a lot of people would do. It takes a big person to want to sit down and talk about how to change things, if it needs changing.

I think maybe you can let things cool off a few days and collect your own thoughts and how you want to approach this. Then maybe have a sit-down with her and see what's going on. I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.

Be sure to use your "I" statements...things like "I feel..." or "I think..." and avoid things like "you aren't talking to me". The "you" statement automatically puts anyone on the defensive. "I" statements tell someone how you think or feel, then you are taking ownership of your feelings. That type of approach is hard to discount. If that makes any sense.

Best of luck.

excellent post.
i also 100% agree with every word. i did try to say something similar earlier, but as per usual, someone else - this time you - said it much more succicntly/concisely.



and to reiterate, for emphasis...
I would definitely pursue the counseling thing.



TRULY!

share

MrMerkinball wrote:

Honestly - there is no way this could be an affair. My wife (Bless her) has the two kids kids enrolled in Swimming, Jazz, Tap, Ballet, Gymnastics, Soccer, and Cooking (for kids). She simply has no time - and while I continue to tell her she is overwhelming herself, the kids love it and she seems happy doing it.

Your comments about "war Chest" and prepping myself are appreciated. If I told this story to my Dad - he would say the exact same thing. I'm a smart guy - and I know what I need to do if I am faced with a battle. I'm not there yet

My entire point here is that my Wife is a wonderful person and I need help "Understanding" this.

You sound like a fairly intelligent fella and you are not letting your emotions
get the better of you, I applaud you for that. I know of a lot of other
husbands that would just say - fuck it, I am out of here.

You need to explore all angles and possible reasons for her sudden change
of mental state and I truly believe you are doing just that. All's I can
say is continue to be there for her and your kids, support her with what
she is going through and eventually, hopefully, she will open up to you about what exactly is going on with her.

the wolf

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

I have to say I think you are way out of line posting something like this in this thread.

The OP is obviously going through something and needs some support. It's not something to joke about.

i agree.

pjhawks

MrMerkinball wrote:

I know it is hard for others to understand. She is a great person.

The title of the thread is intentional: "Help me understdand" not "help me insult"

sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?

MrMerkinball

3pm

Thank you all. I am really glad I posted here today - there has been some great insight and I truly appreciate your time.

I am going home early today and I have arranged to take tomorrow off.

Hopefully something good will happen.

jbalicki10

the wolf wrote:

i agree.

How was I joking??? Trust me, from the story he gave, it really sounded really bad with no hope in sight. That was sound advice I gave. Even the OP agreed his own dad would give the same advice.

you are

pjhawks wrote:

sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?

well maybe because this isn't normal behavior for her. if she was always like this that would be one thing. but she did just have a baby not too long ago. so it is extremely logical that she has PPD.

the wolf

pjhawks wrote:

sorry wasn't trying to just be insulting - i mean isn't my reasoning as plausible as every one else's? I mean why can't she just be that without it being post-partum or something like that. i mean on the face of it her behavior is pretty shitty. what would you think if the same thing occured to someone that wasn't you. would you try to come up with some bs possibly made up health reason or would just consider her to be something like what I said?

considering that it seems that everything was good up till the job change and new baby, id say its not a " BS possiable made up health reason".

the change in the job and a newborn is a lot for her to deal with.

so the PPD is very much plausible. imo.

the wolf

jbalicki10 wrote:

How was I joking??? Trust me, from the story he gave, it really sounded really bad with no hope in sight. That was sound advice I gave. Even the OP agreed his own dad would give the same advice.

anyone who could hear that story and say it sounds like there is no hope in sight, ..............well, i just dont think it would take much to drive you out of a relationship.
people go through and survive much worse things than this in relationships and all turns out good. so that you can look at it and say "no hope in sight" says it all i think.

miskin

MrMerkinball wrote:

I had a really tough day yesterday. Sorry for the long post -but it felt good to type this out.

I am posting here looking for some insight. I find that here - there is an anonymous group of people who will give me honest feedback from different perspectives.

My wife and I have been together now for 12 years, married for 8. We have 3 children (5, 3 and 4 months old).

We have been through everything that young couples usualy face (adjusting to one another, money troubles, family troubles etc.) and always come out on top.

Last December as a result of hard work over the past 8 years I was finally given an amazing job opportunity. One where our financial troubles would go away, where there was endless possibilities (if I did a good job) for the future.

I discussed it with my wife, because it would mean much more responsibilty, longer hours and a longer commute. In the end - we thought I shouldn't turn it down and I went for it.

Part of this new job is that I am on the "crisis team" - in fact I am the leader of this team. If anything happens in the hotel (I manage a very large hotel) I have to be there. In the first 6 months I have been called 2 times (one of these calls I will outline below).

On Friday - I had a vasectomy and was out of commission for the entire weekend. My work knew that if anything came up that weekend - I coldn't come in. On Saturday night there was a apparent suicide. I received this call at 3am. By 3:30 I had informed everyone of what to do (by phone) and communicated with my boss - The Vice President. I asked them to call me as soon as everything was completed. At 6am, I got the second phone call that all was clear and everyone was going home.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was kicked out of bed, because my cell phone kept going off. I didn't think much of it - she was tired and needed some sleep. I limped (vasectomy) to the guest bedroom and slept for a couple more hours. I was kind of pissed but not going to make a case of it.

In the morning she refuses to speak with me. Won't even look at me. This went on all day. I spent the day playing with the kids and she sequestered herself to our bedroom.

2pm, she appears and says to our 5 an 3 year old "let's go to the movie's". When I ask "what about me", she said - "you stay with the baby". My five year old asks me "Daddy - why aren't you coming"? I responded by saying - it's easier for me to stay with the baby, because the movie theatre might scare her. My wife chimes in (in front of the 5 and 3 year old) "No, Daddy can come, we just don't want him". Now I am mad. I found that really mean.

At the end of the day - after the movies and after the kids are in bed she talks to me:

She is permanently kicking me out of our room. She doesn't want to feel like she is on call 24 hours.

She is unhappy being married to someone who has to work so hard.

She is mad that I can't get home in time for soccer and other activities. (With traffic - sometimes it can take 1.5 hours to get home. Even if I left right at 5pm - 6:30 is the earliest).

She is sick of explaining to the kids that I am not going to be home for dinner with them. (The kids eat dinner at 5pm).

She thinks we need to split up for awhile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I offered to move closer to my work - she said no, she doesn't want to uproot the kids.

When I offered to quit my job and find something with less responsibility - she said no She couldn't live with that guilt.

When I offered to go to counselling - she said no.

When I asked how splitting up makes sense and have me gone permanently - when her complaint is that I am not there enough in the first place and she doesn't want to upset the kids about moving, but she is willing to upset them by kicking me out - her answer was that "at least we wouldn't expect you".

She refused to talk to me any further and I slept in the guestroom.

None of this adds up to me. After 12 years and 3 kids - why suggest leaving and give me no opportunity to turn this around? We both knew the implications of this new job. Why stay quiet and supportive for 6 months and all of the sudden decide to leave me?

I'm sorry this was so long. I just need a little perspective.

is she a fulltime carer of the children??

the only thing i can think of is that she may be jealous/angry that you have a life outside the children, while she doesnt. Being responsible of children 24/7 must be hard, and does she get much time to herself??

upina2001

sounds like she's been uphappy for quite some time now.
sorry to hear about your troubles.
counseling sounds like it would be the best option.
you have too much to lose after 12 years.

Brain of J.Lo

pjhawks wrote:

some bs possibly made up health reason

You don't know what you're talking about.

you are

miskin wrote:

is she a fulltime carer of the children??

the only thing i can think of is that she may be jealous/angry that you have a life outside the children, while she doesnt. Being responsible of children 24/7 must be hard, and does she get much time to herself??

miskin! i thought you were gone! :eek: good to see you!


and i agree with what you said about maybe not getting enough time to herself. being responsible for just about everything and not getting time for yourself can wear anyone out.